Long-term relationship doubts
May 10, 2009 7:54 PM Subscribe
Can someone help me out with Long-term relationship doubts and resentment? Not sure where to go. Desperate and depressed.
posted by Nicci_80 to Human Relations (38 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a 28-29 yo woman in a 5 year relationship with a loving, generous and overall sweet and solid guy.
I see all his good points but there are just some events that made me resent him. I know I am not a good communicator but whenever I try to bring up the subject, it always end with "I'm like this, I hope you love me for who I am. Or you can find someone else who does all these things. Please appreciate what you have."
I have anxiety everyday about myself and my relationship. I figure out that these are my problems:
1.) I feel guilty that I suddenly lost the deep loving feeling I have with my partner. He is absolutely wonderful and I feel evil for doing that. I'm trying to love him as much as I can but when I think of singlehood and just being ALONE, I feel so happy and relieved.
2.) I realise that I do LOVE my partner. There are times when I'm so safe and happy with him but the doubts and resentment came back. He's buying me an overseas trip at the end of the year and I get so anxious just thinking about it. He tells me to just be grateful. I'm so afraid!
3.) I don't know what I want but I have a nagging intuitive feeling that it might not be him. And I want it to be him because we are together 5 years, he's loving and sweet, he's devoted and loyal and I just feel so old and tired. I know girls over 28 are considered "over-the-hill" and most likely end up as old maids because all the good guys are taken. I'm not extraordinary beautiful and I don't think I attract guys I like at all.
4.) I'm very social. I love having lots of close friends around. If I don't have close friends around, my partner becomes my sole source of fun and thus I need to have fun with him. I'm not having fun with my boyfriend. He's a quiet person who prefers to stay at home with the animals because he has a high-stress job. I'll be in the same job soon. Maybe I'll change to be more like him and everything will be perfect?
5.) My resentment are stupid things like not being able to have big parties at home, not being able to go out and not worry that he's lonely and resenting at home, not having my boyfriend do the things I love with me. I feel alone sometimes but I don't know why. He's not around now and I miss him. I can't deny that. But when he's back, I just want him to go away again.
Background information: I've not been single for 11 years. 7 years of the best time in my life is stuck with an abusive boyfriend. I then hop right into this relationship which offers me comfort and safety.
I'm afraid to talk to him because whenever I do, he thinks everything is solvable. But I still feel unfulfilled. I don't want to make a mistake but neither do I want to waste my time. My psychologist thinks it's all me... that I'm not happy because I've lost myself.
Why do I feel so conflicted inside? Anyone felt the same way before? Do I just need to get married to my boyfriend? Will that work?