How can I let mom know I need to be on my own?
May 10, 2009 5:49 PM Subscribe
How can I let mom know that I need my own space for a while without sounding selfish and ungrateful? I want to stand up for myself but on the other hand, I know she struggles.
posted by anonymous to human relations (42 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I'm asking anonymously because I have no idea if she might read this and get too angry with me before I can think over the responses and possibly change my attitude. I don't know how or if I should even mention this to her or just suck it up and deal.
My mother has already made up her mind that she (and my siblings, none of which are still in high school) will be living with me when I buy my house. She says her lease will be up and she'll help with mortgage and bills and then when she's steady at work, she'll find her own house and then move out. No actual time line. I have been planning for a while and don't really need any help with anything. It would never be turned down but I planned it so that I could finally be independent but I wasn't given the chance to say no. I don't want to seem like I'm kicking her to the curb but I should get a choice here.
I just don't want to share. I know that sounds bad but I don't. I moved out long ago and moved in with a few roommates. I have a job and have started saving money so that I could get my own reasonable, small place and live alone. I've been dreaming of it for years. Living with other people has shown me that I would much rather be alone and preferably far from people. I don't like to talk much at all though I have no problem picking up the phone. I don't like to deal with drama which is what its like living with my family and I don't like anything I own to be bothered. I also don't want to have to be treated like a child in my own house especially when I already feel like I should have been born 10 to 20 years older than I already am.
My many issues aside, I've always helped with bills and buying food. I moved out and away and still help with bills when she calls even though I've always preferred to keep a strict budget and money in savings. I hate being the one to take care of things. I wish I didn't have to even do that anymore but I would much rather that than sharing my house but I don't want to sound rude, selfish or ungrateful. I just need my own space. I've never had it, never had my own room till now at nearly 25, never had very many personal belongings (which I know is not important) nor have I even felt like my own person. Getting my place will be me growing up, stepping out on my own and catching up to my "age".
She has agreed that I can decorate everything which will no doubt cause issues with the siblings and that she has no problem putting her stuff in storage but I'm afraid it still wont be enough for me. I don't know but I can't see a compromise that I'm willing to put up with for any amount of time. In my current living situation I'm extremely unhappy and feel suffocated just having other people in the same house. I'm counting down the months till I'm alone and can be reduced to tears at the thought of having to wait any longer. I can't even put into words how much I need my own space, need to figure myself out and need to make my own rules.
How do I tell this to my mother? She has a pretty good deal set up but I don't know how long it lasts or if it's up with her lease unless she renews. I have a feeling she will still overrule whatever I say but I'd at least like to let her know that I'm not at all happy with the situation. I don't want to pretend that I am but I fear I may seem like I'm already doing that.
Feel free to let me know if I'm being completely wrong in this situation. I probably am. Also, if you can see any pros as to why this would be good for me in any way, please let me know. Thank you and feel free to email me.