Should I stay or should I go now

May 9, 2009 10:17 AM

Agonizing over whether I should stay in my current, comfortable residence hall next year or risk the move to a completely different one. Must decide by this coming Monday.

I fell out with my best friend 'Amy', who lives on the same floor as me in my tiny residence hall -- let's call it CJ -- a few months ago. The relationship has been steadily deteriorating since then and now we are no longer speaking to each other, which makes things a little uncomfortable sometimes because my floor is very small (around 10 people) and there is no way to avoid each other completely.

I need to make a housing decision for next year very soon. Amy will be moving to a different floor from me, but I have been agonizing over whether to move to a different residence hall, KL, altogether. Amy has said that she wants as much space away from me that she can get, but that's not the only reason.

I am thinking of moving because I feel that we may compete for friends within CJ if I stay, and the awkwardness will come up again if we both want to hang out in the small common room. Based on location, KL is really the only other option for me. Problem is: KL will be the complete opposite of CJ. In CJ, the community is very small (40 people) and close-knit. Most of us live in single rooms and are not disruptive. In KL, the community is 100-110 people, who are likely to be hardcore party people because KL tends to attract them. (Also, KL is uglier than CJ.)

I am a bit of a homebody, and take some time for me to make friends. I know that this means I am basically screwing myself over, but it's hard to change that part of myself. CJ is my comfort zone because I already know and like the residents, but another consideration is that a lot of my friends from CJ are already moving out and the character of CJ may change slightly with incoming freshmen. I can't move out to an apartment because: 1) potential roommates have all been taken and I dont want to stay alone, and 2) it's not worth it to have an apartment for only one year, because I'll be graduating.

I am hoping that I could find friends among KL's 100-110 people in a few months, but I'm not good at maintaining the level of social that it would require. Cliques are going to form, from my experience, which are hard to break into. At the very worst, I would have no friends in KL and be kept up at night by noisy drunken people. Since I am graduating next year, I won't have the chance to hang around and make closer friends over time.

Upshot: should I stick it out in CJ for just one more year, where at least I'll know and like some people, or risk the move?

posted by swimmingly to human relations (15 comments total)

Do you have any friends outside your residence hall? I'm an upperclassman university student and I've never hung out with anyone in the dorms I've lived in.
posted by kldickson at 10:25 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

This sounds like really immature, high school-ish stuff that you should probably ask a friend about instead of strangers on the Internet. But my suggestion is to stay in CJ, apologize to your friend and smooth things over. Also, study hard and join some new club and make new friends.
posted by anniecat at 10:27 AM on May 9

I was all geared up to suggest you go to KL (in the spirit of "it sounds like it would be good to move on and make new friends") until I got to the part of it being more than twice as large and a loud, party environment, which it sounds like would be hell for you. (Speaking as someone who lived in a loud, party-hearty dorm my freshman year, I can tell you it was hell for me.)

The thing as, as much as it might actually be a good thing for you and Amy both to not be in each other's orbit,* Amy does not get to set the agenda for you, especially when getting the maximum amount of space between you means she gets to stay right where she is while you are forced out of your comfort zone. Nicely convenient for her, while potentially highly disruptive for you. There is no freaking way that Amy's needs require you to potentially lose sleep (literally!) for an entire year.

If Amy wants so much damn space, Amy can move to Party Central. Of course, she's evidently not willing to do that, so the floor between you will have to suffice. When you do run into each other, be neutrally courteous. Since you live in a close-knit environment, be very careful about bad-mouthing her to any mutual friends. And no matter how tense it might get, remember this above all else: you cannot change or control anyone else's behavior. You can only change or control your own.

*this is assuming that your falling out with Amy has indeed been a gradual but necessary "break up," as it were, and not just a single incident that could still be patched up.
posted by scody at 10:40 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

As someone who graduated school many years ago, I don't have very recent experience, but I would like to say that this kind of interpersonal friction is going to be something you encounter during your adult life. You are going to have friendships that end, have fights with neighbors, co-workers, etc., so you need to learn to hold your ground.

If you are comfortable in this dorm, and you like it, and Amy is making noises about how she wants space, then why is it incumbent on you to move? You have as much right to live there as anybody else. Keep a low profile, do your schoolwork, and your last year will fly by. In a couple years, this aggravation is going to be a distant memory. If you are worried about the character of the dorm changing, if you stay, then you will serve as a bit of continuity.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:50 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Believe it or not, in a few weeks, you'll wonder why you put yourself through so much stressful pondering about all of this. Stay where you want to be, and trust that one silly social dispute will not be the end of the world.
posted by paultopia at 10:50 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

anniecat: This isn't an immature high school dispute, but something bigger. I would rather not talk about the circumstances that led to it. Suffice to say, it's something that I've tried hard to change already but couldn't do anything about. Neither of us wanted it to happen, but it has. I've already asked various friends for advice, but I wanted to try and get some impartial opinions.

scody: yeah, you could say that it's been gradual but necessary. I understand where Amy is coming from and am not under any delusion that her behavior can/will change anytime soon.
posted by swimmingly at 10:58 AM on May 9

Small dorm floors where everyone still hangs out together are recipes for drama. I find it surprising, by the way, that you all are so close - I had lots of friends on my floor when I was a freshman, but by the later years of college I was mostly friends with people I'd met through clubs, activities, or my department, and had no idea who my neighbors were. My point is, you can stay where you are and treat your room like an apartment. Go make friends elsewhere (which you'd have to do anyway if you moved, it sounds like) and just come home when you actually want to be home. Be polite to Amy, but otherwise ignore her. Who really wants dorm common rooms anyway? She can have it.
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:15 AM on May 9

Your description reads that you're being really accommodating for Amy. Why? Fuck Amy if the friendship is really done. Let her compete with you for the friends there and the common room. Why move somewhere else that sounds awful and the opposite of what you want and let Amy stay in the nice residence? Just stay there and claim your territory.
posted by meerkatty at 11:52 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Stay where you are, and have at least some friends -- losing some to Amy is better than losing all to Amy by moving somewhere else.

But also, actively pursue friendships outside of your residence, through your classes or extra-curricular activities. Don't let your dorm dictate your life -- it can be just the place where you sleep if it needs to be.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:13 PM on May 9

I'm basically repeating a lot of the advice here, but I think that hearing it from different people might be helpful. I think that you should stay in CJ and try to get to know people from classes and student organizations that don't necessarily live in your dorm. It sounds like CJ is a great fit for you and that KL is not, and that's what matters here. If Amy was out of the picture - like, say, she was graduating or moving to a different dorm or she just plain didn't exist - would you even be considering a move to KL? I'm going to guess the answer is no. Stay in your dorm, be polite to Amy when you see her around, focus on activities that make you happy, and do your best on your school work. My only regret from my college years is all the time I wasted worrying about making other people (crazy, in my situation, and possibly in yours) happy. If I had spent even half of that time on my education...
posted by k8lin at 1:01 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]

I switched dorms my senior year and really hated it. Don't let her run you off from a dorm you're comfortable in.
posted by CwgrlUp at 2:04 PM on May 9

I think this really comes down to just how awkward and unpleasant it will be with Amy. If it's simply going to be awkward now and then and be a little weird I would definitely stay where you are. If she is very mean person who will go out of her way to make your life hell if you stay I would leave. I can tell you from experience that finding a comfortable group living situation in college is not easy. And I would pick a situation in an environment I know I like, where I like most, if not all the people, over an environment I know I don't like where the people are a total unknown.
posted by whoaali at 2:05 PM on May 9

I think I can empathize a lot with you because, while it wasn't senior year and I doubt our argument was as torrid, I lived in a very close-knit dorm for my sophomore and junior years, and had a very bad, gradual falling-out with my good friend/sophomore roommate that led to similar tensions as you're describing. I was the one who ended up moving rooms (to a small one right underneath the dining room) and I felt a lot of resentment that I was the one making a lot of the accommodations while she was getting excited about how much more space she had in her newly expanded single - although she did at least cut herself off a few times and thank me for being the one to take the bullet. Even so, that was just down the hall. I can't imagine how frustrated I would have felt if I'd had to move out to one of the party dorms.

Look, she's obviously not making any choices with your feelings in mind. Why should you look out for hers? Don't set out to make her miserable, obviously, but put yourself first. Stay in CJ, talk with your friends who are moving out about how you guys are going to socialize next year, and think about some clubs to join if you have the time (you'll be a senior, after all).

I also want to point out that you seem to be parsing the arrival of the freshmen as a bad thing - freshmen are fun. You can train them! See it as an influx of fresh blood, not a loss of community.
posted by bettafish at 2:21 PM on May 9

hooooh, boy.

I was you, a long time ago. I lost all my friends because I moved out when my friend did some astoundingly immature things in our dorm and I let it drive a wedge in between me and the other people on the floor. I still regret having let her separate me from my friends.

You should stay, and not let her chase you from the people you care about. Be nothing more than civil to her, and firmly stand your ground socially.

You will miss your friends and your nice dorm otherwise. You might always miss them. Don't do that.
posted by winna at 10:13 PM on May 9

Hmm ... you know that phrase, "better the devil you know"? I guess this question comes down to whether you'd like to adhere to that philosophy or risk the -possibility- of making the acquaintance of new devils. Are you asking this question because you want reassurance that it's okay to stay in CJ next year? If so, then yes, I would add my voice to the chorus of folks who say you have every right to do so - there would genuinely be nothing wrong whatsoever with you staying there next year if that's what you decide you want (and I completely agree with bettafish that the infusion of new blood can be a good thing - next year incoming freshman might actually look to you as a 'veteran' who can show them how things go in that dorm!). To be honest, I suspect that as an undergraduate I would have chosen this option myself.

However! If you're looking for someone to tell you that you aren't nuts for considering some new situation that seems very contrary to who you are right now - well, I would support that wholeheartedly. Not because I like party environments - actually, the "party dorm" at my undergrad university alternately intimidated and annoyed me so I generally stayed well away - but I would still endorse this because a) this is a situation you know will be temporary, and b) sometimes shaking things up and trying things you don't think are "you" is the best way to discover new facets of yourself! It sounds like you already know that somehow or other you'll be able to exist comfortably in your current dorm regardless of what happens with Amy ... so why not cast yourself into a new and different environment and see how that works for you? You may find you love it, you may find you hate it, but either way you -will- get through it, and by pushing yourself outside your comfort zone you might discover new things about yourself and your ability to adapt/survive. The folks from CJ who will become your long-term friends won't stop talking to you just because you're in a different dorm, and who knows, you might end up broadening your circle of university friends to include folks you might not even have met otherwise ...

Well, when it comes down to it I don't think there IS a wrong or bad choice here, I'm guessing that in the long run you'll be just fine no matter where you stay next year. Best of luck to you!
posted by DingoMutt at 11:08 PM on May 9