How to stop wanting my ex back?

May 8, 2009 2:32 PM

How can I stop viewing my ex with rose-colored glasses? Everyone thinks he was a bad boyfriend except me.

My ex and I broke up a month ago due to this issue.

I’ve been going out, having fun, trying to be happy without him, and trying to think of other men. However, I still want him back. It’s getting worse as time goes on.

At first I was content with the break-up, and felt incredibly happy except for when I spoke to him. I stopped talking to him, and during that time I looked forward to the opportunities I had as a single person. There was an undercurrent of wanting him back, but it wasn’t as strong as it is now.

My friends pointed out the ways he could have been a better boyfriend even before the pregnancy scare, and I agree with them. I haven’t tried to get back together because I don’t want to alienate them.

I’m having a hard time seeing him as a bad boyfriend. He hasn’t treated me well since the break-up and it still hasn’t changed my feelings. I think of the times when I could have treated him better, and how he must be feeling, and I forgive him. I’m like this with everyone, but it’s a hindrance when I’m trying to get over someone.

We were in a long-distance relationship, and although I was planning to move before I met him, it wasn‘t to his area. I made plans to move there, but decided against it (before the break up) and went ahead with my original ones.

Recently, those plans and their back-ups fell through. I think that’s why my desire to work things out is getting stronger. I think to myself, “What are the chances that the only place left is near my ex?”

I may have ended up there even if I hadn’t met him, because I have family there and like the area. However, I’m not 100% on that.

My ex doesn’t know about any of this. I don’t plan to tell him because I doubt we'll run into each other.

I would appreciate suggestions on how to get past this thinking. How can I get into the “he was a terrible boyfriend and I don’t want anything to do with him” mindset? Why am I not in this mindset already?

Throw-away e-mail: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

Why am I not in this mindset already?

Because it takes some time. It's not uncommon for there to be an intellectual and emotional disconnect in situations like this -- you know it's the right thing to be apart, but you still miss him. That's normal. Keep giving it some time, keep going out. Your feelings don't turn on and off like a faucet.
posted by scody at 2:36 PM on May 8

How can I get into the “he was a terrible boyfriend and I don’t want anything to do with him” mindset? Why am I not in this mindset already?

Why do you feel like you NEED to be in that mindset? By all means, move on, because it sounds like there are some incompatibilities that would be too difficult to get past. But you can do that without hating him, and while recognizing the good qualities he has. That's a more pleasant way to go through life, in any case.

Screw your friends. And tell them to keep their mouths shut. Their opinions of your ex don't matter in this. (It's also possible that they might be trying to make you feel better by telling you that he wasn't worth it.)
posted by mudpuppie at 2:45 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]

But you can do that without hating him, and while recognizing the good qualities he has.

This is an excellent point. Assuming you haven't dated an ax murderer, there's no need to hate someone after you break up with them. You may feel hurt, or estranged, or glad to move on, but it doesn't mean you have to demonize them. Your friends may have very good reasons to dislike the guy, or they may be picky busybodies; it really doesn't matter -- they don't get to set the agenda for your feelings.
posted by scody at 2:49 PM on May 8

Time heals all wounds, and wounds all heels.

You aren't a robot, you can't just flip a switch and be done with it. But don't let yourself think about him if you can help it- you are just giving energy to something that is over. Let it be over. This may sound trite and ridiculous, but find something new to engage your free time and energy- take up yoga, or join a softball team, or a volunteer for a cause you care about- something that takes you out of your usual circle of friends and keeps you busier.

Things end for a reason. In your case, things ended for a damn good reason. A few months from now, you will look back on this period with a whole new perspective.
posted by ambrosia at 2:55 PM on May 8

I haven’t tried to get back together because I don’t want to alienate them.

You probably shouldn't choose your lovers in order to please your friends. You really don't need their validation.

Have you considered that the reason they seem "down" on him might be that they are trying to help you get over him, and so they are deliberately (and helpfully, they think) pointing out his shortcomings in order to help you "realize" that he wasn't all so great?

Good friends will often do that. But good friends will also, most certainly, change gears and support you if you decide to take him back, too.

That's sort of the entire point of supportive friends.
posted by rokusan at 3:02 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]

While I read your last question and thought "bad boyfriend" that doesn't mean you need to share my feelings. In fact, you probably wouldn't (and you said you don't). Most of my exes have been decent people and not at all the bad boyfriend type. Or they went through a bad boyfriend phase but were mostly awesome. Really it's better for you if exes aren't bad boyfriends because why would you date someone who is bad? Are you bad at dating? Do you like bad people? Probably not. I agree with others that your friends are probably trying to make you feel better, but maybe not doing such a great job.

For me personally, my usual break up thoughts about a guy are often "bad fit" and/or "bad timing" This means that neither of us need to be "blamed" for the situation but that also it really wasn't going to work out. Usually if it's either of those situations and I'm still carrying a torch I give myself some sort of crazy deadline like "okay if I'm still pining over the guy in two years I'll give it another shot, self esteem be damned" And you know what? That never happens. It always takes longer to get over someone than I think it's going to. I always think the best way to deal with this sort of thing is let yourself feel however you feel but stay busy so whatever you're feeling doesn't become your primary emotions. Do things, see friends, plan your life, and if you entertain notions of seeing the guy again, make it be much much later, not any time soon.
posted by jessamyn at 3:35 PM on May 8 [6 favorites]

anonymous: How can I get into the “he was a terrible boyfriend and I don’t want anything to do with him” mindset? Why am I not in this mindset already?

No. No, no, no.

You're making a very common mistake that people often make in situations like this—I know I sure have. People have the idea that the opposite of love is hatred, and therefore that the metric of how much they're 'over' their ex or soon-to-be ex is how much hatred that person inspires in them. This is why the shorthand when people are angry at their partners enough to want to punish them by leaving is 'I'm not in love with you any more.' Anyone who's observed this kind of situation or has experienced it and really thought about it knows that this is bullshit. You would not get pissed off at your partner and say 'I don't love you any more!' if you didn't love them; they wouldn't hurt you so much if it didn't matter so much.

I've also watched people go through difficult breakups where their partner was an asshole, and the process is (unfortunately) the opposite of the one you're imagining for yourself. If you get healthier, what will happen is you'll learn to face the fact that you care about him rather than trying to hide it by hating him; facing that care you have for him doesn't mean wanting to rekindle the relationship, but rather it means understanding that you and he couldn't possibly be healthy for each other right now. He obviously has to deal with some things within himself before he can be with someone else on a certain level. If you want that for him, and if you want a bit more happiness and wholeness for yourself, you know that you have to let him go.

It is counter-intuitive, but absolutely true: the process of getting over someone during a breakup is a process of learning to care more about them and about yourself, not less. Hatred and anger toward an ex only distracts you and keeps you from dealing with your feelings; and if you try to pretend that you didn't enjoy anything about being with him, you'll only come to realize you're lying to yourself, and that isn't how you can heal yourself right now.

What you want to do is learn to accept that, while you feel affection for him (and probably always will) you really shouldn't be together. That's a positive acceptance, one that should be somewhat sad but which has to acknowledge the best things about your relationship as well.
posted by koeselitz at 3:35 PM on May 8 [18 favorites]

It's a little hard to understand either A) why you don't think he was a bad boyfriend or B) why your friends think he was (except for the pregnancy scare thing). However, I think there's one really important quote:

I think of the times when I could have treated him better, and how he must be feeling, and I forgive him.

To me, it sounds like you're using something like the following reasoning: "He didn't treat me well, but I didn't treat him well either, so the fact that he probably wasn't happy negates the fact that I wasn't happy." But that's not how relationships work. It doesn't matter who was meaner than who--there's no tally being kept, no final result that proves one person was The Victim and the other was The Jerkface. Instead, you just have two people who are trying to make a happy life together.

So it doesn't matter if you feel like he may have been as hurt by your actions as you were by his, that you can forgive his behavior or if he can forgive yours. The fact of the matter is that it wasn't a happy situation. It doesn't matter if you think maybe he is a good human being, despite your friend's accusations--the fact is that the two of you, together, had a less than successful dynamic.

Breaking up with someone doesn't have to be based on a judgment that the person is BAD. Someday, your ex will probably be a really good boyfriend...for someone else. Just as you will someday make a really good girlfriend for someone else. Stop thinking of whether or not you're with this person as some sort of condemnation or approval of him--where, if he's BAD it means you should stay broken up but if he's GOOD that means you should get back together.

Instead, you need to ask yourself these questions: were you happy with this man? Did you feel safe and comfortable with him? It seems like you broke up because the answer to both question was 'no.' That has nothing to do with whether he's GOOD or BAD or whether you're GOOD or BAD. It has to do instead with those very subtle differences in personalities that make people good potential partners for some but not others.
posted by Ms. Saint at 3:37 PM on May 8 [3 favorites]

it's entirely possible that he's a great boyfriend, but a crappy life partner. you obviously have some differences of opinion on basic issues. that doesn't make him bad, but it makes him wrong for you. so maybe the question should be not how to feel better about the broken relationship by putting him down, but how to feel better about yourself & your prospects by building you up. maybe start by thinking "he was an ok boyfriend for a while but i want better than that for myself."
posted by msconduct at 3:39 PM on May 8

In other words: hating him won't help. It'll only hurt more. You need to forgive him to move on.
posted by koeselitz at 3:40 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]

You don't have to 'hate' him. You don't owe anyone a chance with you, and you certainly don't owe anyone a second chance with you. Living in the same city doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship, any more than you have to be in a relationship with everyone else in that city. He just wasn't the right person for you, and there doesn't have to be any grand moral failing involved in that statement.
posted by Lady Li at 3:42 PM on May 8

... and Ms. Saint is correct: that quote of yours is important. It indicates that you aren't forgiving him; you're forgetting.
posted by koeselitz at 3:45 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]

I agree with most people here that you don't need to hate him ..... forever. However, I have noticed that it definitely helps to hate him at first. Or, if not hate, recognize and remember all the bad things that he did and all the reasons you don't want to be with him. I once stuck post-it notes all over my apartment, saying everything that was wrong with a particularly terrible ex. It really helped me remember not to love him. I recommend post-it notes. The funnier, the better.
posted by millipede at 4:07 PM on May 8

Pretend one of your friends had a pregnancy scare and the guy was all "I ain't supportin' it!!!" and think "what a son of a bitch!!" that'll get you to at least stop liking him until you move on.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:49 PM on May 8 [2 favorites]

Pretend one of your friends had a pregnancy scare and the guy was all "I ain't supportin' it!!!" and think "what a son of a bitch!!" that'll get you to at least stop liking him until you move on.

Yes, this.

Please, for the sake of whatever you believe in, read Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. Whatever this man's good qualities were, and I believe you that they may have been many, you do not have a healthy sense of your own boundaries and this was why you didn't "get" that his behavior around the pregnancy scare was inappropriate.

I think your friends are probably right, just based on your other post. You don't seem to believe that you deserve to be treated with respect. If it helps for you to do the thought-experiment of thinking what you would advise a friend or a sister in the same situation, that's something you should do.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:14 PM on May 8 [3 favorites]

Also, this:

I think of the times when I could have treated him better, and how he must be feeling, and I forgive him. I’m like this with everyone, but it’s a hindrance when I’m trying to get over someone.

is classic codependence. Was there ever a time when he was in crisis and you actively undermined him instead of supporting him? When he said "Oh my God this is a horrible situation" and you said "Yeah, I know, and you're on your own, toots?"

My guess is no.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:15 PM on May 8

You don't need to see him as all bad. I'm assuming there are things you liked in the relationship. Perhaps the sex that led to the pregnancy scare was amazing. Maybe you two had an inside joke you miss. Etc. You don't need to negate all of that in order to make the decision to leave him and not go back to him.

It's okay for you to like parts of him and dislike parts of him and conclude that even though you miss some things, it's still a good decision to leave. You can have happy memories mixed with the unhappy memories, and treasure your happy memories. You don't have to feel like you were a complete idiot for ever dating him in the first place -- you may be feeling defensive of your choice to date him more than you're feeling defensive of him.

And damn is it okay for you to leave him. High five!
posted by heatherann at 6:03 PM on May 8

It's normal, it'll pass, and you don't have to hate him. Realize that if it was meant to be, you wouldn't have broken up with him in the first place. Don't set a timetable on getting over him, just try to push him out of your mind when you start thinking about "what if". The more you dwell on "why don't I hate him? Maybe that means that I should get back with him" the more you will get dragged back into something that was obviously not working for either of you.

Also, please please please don't move to his town because you're secretly hoping to get back with him. Breaking up is tough, but you don't want to end up back with this chump while some other, mature and excellent guy passes you by.
posted by anniek at 6:35 PM on May 8

Good for you for leaving that guy!

I don't know that it's necessary to put so much effort into trying to manage your feelings towards your ex. Maybe it would be a better idea to just your feelings toward him be whatever they are and try to concentrate on your interests and plans and on having fun.
posted by orange swan at 7:01 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]

I dunno, I think he kind of gave you a gift when he was such a prick about the pregnancy scare - were I in your shoes, every time I thought about him and how awesome I thought he was and how much I wanted him back, I'd stop and say to myself "Wow, remember that time I thought I was pregnant and it was like the scariest thing and I really needed support and Dude was all 'Fuck off, lady, you're on your own, good luck with that, oh, but let's still have sex.'?"

Yeah, that'd do the trick for me.
posted by tristeza at 8:07 PM on May 8 [4 favorites]

koeselitz: the process of getting over someone during a breakup is a process of learning to care more about them and about yourself, not less . . . You need to forgive him to move on.

I agree that trying to hate distracts from the real issue, which for my money centers around the "learning to care more for yourself" part. A huge benefit of genuinely valuing oneself* is, there's no yearning for validation from people who treat us suboptimally, and therefore, there's zero longing to be with them.

OP: I think of the times when I could have treated him better, and how he must be feeling, and I forgive him.

Sidhedevil's comment on this reminds me of something I read this afternoon, about some common effects of the way "forgiveness" is conventionally understood and executed:

Many of my clients . . . didn't feel better for having forgiven. They still felt bad about themselves. . . . Forgiving hadn't created any significant or lasting changes for them. In fact, some of them felt even more inadequate. They'd say things such as: "Maybe I didn't forgive enough" . . . The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this absolution was really another form of denial [that prevented] a lot of people from getting on with their lives. . . . Too often, "forgive and forget" means "pretend it didn't happen."

*(by "valuing oneself" I don't mean arrogance or other self-centeredness, but being able to recognize and set the boundaries you need to be healthy and happy in yourself, and eject people who knowingly, repeatedly, disrespect those boundaries. Also, the above quote is from this book, and the author does address more effective ways of "forgiveness" that genuinely help a person leave old, destructive patterns behind.)
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 9:21 PM on May 8

It's totally natural to miss someone or to be attached to a situation that is hurtful.

But I'll also echo Sidhedevil. Both of your posts (particularly the earlier one) have some textbook red flags. The questions you're asking here (why do I still want this guy who was bad for me? why don't I dislike him even though I can see all the ways he was not very nice?) have fairly deep roots, I think. Beginning to explore them might have a positive impact on your broader life.
posted by salvia at 10:15 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]

There are going to be many things in your life that you want that aren't good for you, and your ex is one of them. It will pass - you're probably never going to hate him or stop wondering, from time to time, how he might be doing, but that's life. If we could just find a way to turn off all desire for the bad stuff, it would be a vastly different world than it is now.

You know the facts - you know why you broke up with him, so just spend the energy that you're wasting worrying about how he's feeling on yourself. How are YOU feeling? What do YOU want? Guilt is a useless emotion - focus on what you need and where you are going and you will soon stop spending energy on a guy that's long gone.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:15 AM on May 9

I think you really need to work on yourself. The fact that you're not demanding better treatment from people like your ex-boyfriend and then second guessing your choice to be done with the bad treatment after the fact, indicates perhaps a little bit of a self esteem issue. I think you will find it easier to let go (or run screaming from the scene) if you like yourself enough to expect the best.
posted by lottie at 3:59 AM on May 9