I'm not trapped. How do I persuade myself of this?

May 8, 2009 9:09 AM

I am pretty miserable and aware my lifestyle needs to change. I think I have a good sense of what is causing this, and I can list for you the things I want more of in my life but cannot get over some sort of bizarre mental blocks about loosening up and the feeling that if I do it will ruin my and my husband’s lives. How can I cure my addiction to stability and what concrete things do you think I should do to get out of this rut?

I am a 32 year old woman, married and living in a large city. I’ve always been what my family calls “a worrier” but my general satisfaction with my life and general energy seem to have spiraled down in the last three to four years and I have an inexplicable constant sense of impending doom following me around. More than one person has seen this in me – I subscribe to “fake it til you make it” and outwardly am quite upbeat - but when you’re told by surprised acquaintances (in the nicest and most tactful of ways) that you’ve put on weight, look tired all the time, are getting snappy and cynical, etc you know it’s not just you.

The short version = Lack of energy/enthusiasm and this constant, panicky feeling that I am trapped and that Bad Things will happen if I change it up have robbed me of my ability to plan a way out of my career and to visualize getting from A to B (the lifestyle I want). I'm genuinely at year 3 or 4 of being paralyzed here. Have you been here? Do you have any suggestions at all?

The long version =

* I feel “owned” by my house, which is in a neighbourhood we love and has many features we enjoy, but requires a fair amount of work and I’m pretty sure we overpaid for it. To be clear, we didn’t buy a massive place and we’re not in a negative equity situation though.
* I feel constantly stressed about money. We have the six months expenses in an emergency fund, live pretty frugally, have no debt but the mortgage and are saving well. But we are quite behind in retirement investments and I always feel that we don’t have enough of a cushion, that disaster is potentially right around the corner.
* I feel pretty down about living so far from my family and home culture. I’m an emigrant and moving home isn’t really an option (it would be culture shock to my husband and probably me at this point, and my native country is not doing well in this economy) but dealing with American vacation times which allow me a couple of weeks at home every year is not enough for me.
* I feel a lot of strain over being the breadwinner in the family. Five years ago we both made more or less the same money. Now I’m out-earning him by over 2 to 1 and have a far more stable and job/career. They value me here and it is a good career in many ways, but I downright hate many aspects of it and am well aware that my misery at the office is carrying over to many/most of the other things that I mention here. I can’t imagine doing this – or even staying in my general “field” – for the next 30 years. But I feel trapped, that I can’t quit because husband could lose his job in a heartbeat, and regardless can’t carry us on his quite-low-for-where-we-live salary.
* I’ve put on a fair amount of weight in the last three or four years, and despite dragging myself to the gym three or four times a week am not shifting it. (I’m not a newbie gymgoer, I know how to powerlift, about the value of intervals and circuits, quite enjoy longer runs, etc). I know some of this is just my getting older, and some is lack of energy, but looking at myself in the mirror is making me sad.
* My social life has disappeared to just about nothing, through a combination of living in a place we have no roots, constant tiredness, unhappiness with my increased weight, and the hours required by my day job.
* My hobbies have disappeared. This actually dates back to my leaving college, but I read a lot, screw around online a lot, and work out and beyond that there isn’t much, which makes me sad.
* And lastly, our weekends are a mess – we are exhausted and either sleep late or crash out early, a lot of the weekend is lost to grocery shopping/bills/chores and touching base with our multitude of family members abroad, and I’m low energy. Hitting the gym for an hour is not helping enormously. However I do feel a lot of stress lifting from me by virtue of not being near work.

Thanks for reading through that if you did. Here’s what I want: More free time – to allow me to have a pet, to allow me spend more time in my home country, to be able to devote consistent and regularly schedule time to my fitness, to relax more. Work that doesn’t cause me to be miserable. More time outdoors. To be fit again. The ability to jump into pastimes I’m interested in – I’d love to learn some racquet sports for example, to draw again, and would like to join a walking club.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (14 comments total)

Three years ago I had very similar symptoms- constant worry and inexplicable doom, weight gain, exhaustion, and loss of interest in hobbies and friends. It turned out to be my thyroid. Maybe get that checked?
posted by kimdog at 9:18 AM on May 8 [4 favorites has favorites]

Hi, there. I can sympathize. I too have suffered and still suffer from a lot of the things you've listed here, namely that overwhelmed, bad-things-are-coming, worry-addicted mindset. While I can't claim to understand *exactly* what you're feeling, I can tell you some things that have helped me:

*Recognizing that I was clinically depressed, and getting help for it -- talk therapy and/or medication. You might also have a Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

***Exercise. Can't over-emphasize this. Exercise has done as much, if not more for my mood/mindset than medication.

*Meditation. Setting aside even 5-10 minutes a day where you get away from the chatter in your head can work miracles. (Lots of methods out there, but beginning a meditation practice can be frustrating, so stick with it.)

* Reflect on your history. Of all the predictions of doom you've made, how many have come true? How often do things turn out as badly as you'd imagined? If you're like me, you'll find that things are *rarely* as bad as our imagination makes them out to be.

* Eat better. Cut out refined sugar. More fruits, more vegetables. Drink plenty of water. I'm always amazed at how much food impacts my mood/mindset.

* Start small. If you're feeling overwhelmed, chances are you're viewing all your worries and problems as this cloud hanging over your head -- an impenetrable mass of problems. Tackle one thing that's bothering you. Take action, even if it doesn't seem like it'll make a difference.

Hope this helps a little. Message me if you want more details/info.

GB
posted by gb77 at 9:32 AM on May 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

You, madame, are depressed.

The first thing I would recommend you go is go to the doctor and get a physical. This would rule out any purely physical basis for your low energy.

Second thing, if you can, start getting therapy and a med assessment. I was depressed for months, and for so long I avoided meds because I wanted to think I was stronger than that. In retrospect, that was the wrong mentality to take. I'm do so much better now, and I owe much of it to the meds.

Thirdly, and I echo gb77 on this: Look for small but tangible ways to improve your life. Gb77 took the words right out of my mouth -- I'd recommend heavily all the things he/she mentioned. Meditation in particular has been of enormous help to me. Being more aware of one's thoughts and feelings can aid tremendously in catching destructive thoughts as they occur. Especially when coupled with...
-A Cognitive-Behavioral treatment approach. I highly recommend the book, "Self-Esteem" by McKay and Fanning. It sounds like you're having negative, very highly distorted thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy provides the means to identify those thoughts, figure out how they're distorted, and replace them with healthier thoughts and beliefs.

I wish you the best, and remember -- you don't have to or deserve to feel this way!
posted by dualityofmind at 9:40 AM on May 8 [3 favorites has favorites]

I agree with gb77 that you should talk to your doctor or a psychologist about depression and anxiety.

Also, have you talked about this with your husband? Maybe the two of you could plot out ways to make your lives more enjoyable -- instead of errands and phonecalls on weekends, perhaps you could pick up a shared physical activity, such as bicycling or tennis. Or maybe you could volunteer together, or just make time to go see a movie or drink coffee in a cafe.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 9:41 AM on May 8

I’ve put on a fair amount of weight in the last three or four years, and despite dragging myself to the gym three or four times a week am not shifting it....And lastly, our weekends are a mess – we are exhausted and either sleep late or crash out early, a lot of the weekend is lost to grocery shopping/bills/chores and touching base with our multitude of family members abroad, and I’m low energy.


This sounds like it's at least in part a physiological problem. As already suggested, getting your thyroid checked would be useful; you might also make sure your physician checks for vitamin B12 levels and vitamin D levels.

Sudden low energy and weight gain with no change in exercise or diet in someone in their early 30s isn't an expected part of aging. It's not uncommon with perimenopause in women, but that's not something you would normally be experiencing at your age--are you up to date with your GYN screenings? Early perimenopause might be part of the picture.


If you and your husband feel "owned" by your house, and you're not in a negative equity situation, why not sell it?
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:57 AM on May 8

You do strike me as being depressed. Have you had a medical checkup lately? If not please do, and tell your Dr. that you are feeling depressed.

You repeatedly mention being exhausted and tired. One piece of the solution is to get more sleep. Improve your sleep hygiene (lots of posts here on MeFi about that). Regulate (or even eliminate) caffeine and alcohol since both of these are the enemy of sound sleep. Look into melatonin as a sleeping aid. I know from firsthand experience (myself and another family member) that being perpetually short on sleep will leave you in a very poor mental and emotional frame of mind. I'm not necessarily saying that this is *the* root cause of your issues, but I believe this will help a lot.

Around the home, you may need to reorganize how chores are structured. I know again from my experience that if I handle responsibilities in a disorganized, disorderly way, they quickly pile up and become overwhelming, and they never seem to end. In your case, if you assign Monday as laundry day, tuesday as grocery shopping day etc. or something like this, you can plan things out - and you can come up with a division of labor between yourself and your husband - that can keep the workload at any one time to be manageable.

And you mention you feel alone. When someone is depressed, (again I know of what I speak) you do indeed feel alone. Maybe I'm being bold here, but I daresay that you probably have a community of friends and family around you right in the US, who are concerned for you. Reach out to them. Tell them what you're telling us right here.
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 10:05 AM on May 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

Impaired thyroid function and depression go hand in hand. You could also be borderline diabetic. Make an appointment with your doctor.

When you go in for your appointment, don't just say, "I feel meh." Be specific: I have put on weight, I'm irritable, I have stopped participating in activities I enjoy, I worry all the time, friends and acquaintances have noticed that I seem to be in a downward spiral. Ask if hormonal changes or depression could be causing the problem and get blood drawn.

When you come back for the test results, you can then make an informed decision about whether you need to see someone, like a therapist, to help you decide how and what to change in your life.
posted by misha at 10:23 AM on May 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

I should have included this in my answer: just having some definite course of action will help. That's another reason why you should go see your doctor.

Taking steps to find out what is wrong and doing something about it trumps feeling like you are trapped every time.
posted by misha at 10:26 AM on May 8

"to allow me to have a pet,"
If it is at all practical for you now and you can offer a homeless pet a loving home, I think you should seriously think about going ahead with this. I have said this before, but I got PointyCat several years ago when I was very unhappy. Persistent little booger demanded my attention and time and being greeted at the door with PETMENOW really helped me shake off a bad day at work. Pets can be remarkably healing.

I don't know if this will help for you, but a friend asked me once when I was in superworry mode (especially about financial security), "if X you are worrying about happens, what is the logical result?" and it was actually not as bad as I feared and then I made mini-plans for potential crises and that helped me feel in control.

Good luck!
posted by pointystick at 10:54 AM on May 8 [2 favorites has favorites]

I am here to second Kimdog. Virtually exact same situation as you; I was worried and depressed, tired, felt the stress of home ownership, stress of making more money than my significant other, had stopped contributing to my 401k...

After 9 months of wondering why I felt so shitty, couldn't lose weight, was tired, depressed, I went for a thyroid checkup. I was subclinical, which means initial tests showed me on the high range of normal, but I felt HORRIBLE.

After seeing an endocrinologist, he put me on meds and within 6 weeks (without changing anything) my sex drive increased, my depression and mental fog lifted, and my sleep improved.

60 days after, I began dropping a pound a week until I had eventually lost 14 lbs. in 6 months. Without doing anything differently.

Other things helped, too, though, so I'm suggesting these things in case it ISN'T your thyroid:

- Leave your office every day for lunch. You don't have to go buy lunch; in fact, I'd suggest you DON'T do that! What I do instead is eat a reasonable early breakfast, and take two snacks I can eat at my desk. I use my lunch break to run errands (dry cleaning, mailing bills, picking up prescriptions, etc.). If I don't have an errand, I walk around a nearby mall or go to a park and walk there. Pedicure. ANYTHING to make you have a physical break from the soul-sucking job.

- I initially set up a timer, but now do this on my own... sitting for long periods is bad for you; it hurts your back, your brain, you circulation. Try to get up about once an hour and walk around for about 15 minutes. Sometimes I'll call a relative or friend and walk around talking to that person; it gives me a mental "work break" and allows me to socialize and keep up without interrupting "me time" after work.

- 5-HTP. You can get it in any grocery, vitamin or health food store. Take it right before bed. It'll help with sleeping, and it also acts as a mild antidepressant for many people. I was shocked at how much a difference it made in my attitude. Don't drink a lot and take it, though, you'll get drunker!

- MAKE YOURSELF TAKE A VACATION TWICE A YEAR. Do NOT tell yourself "I don't need a vacation." You need a vacation LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER NEEDED ONE BEFORE. Again, I was not taking one but spreading my vacation days out so I'd have a day off here and there. NO. Take 4-7 days off at a time, and genuinely disengage from work. YOU NEED THIS.

- My dad told me something wise about savings and retirement: If you can't get through TODAY, there won't be A TOMORROW. So even though you are obsessing about your retirement fund, I think you should seriously consider lowering your contribution and putting aside money to spend at least a week per year in your homeland visiting family. If it gives you the sanity to make it through this, the money spent now is more valuable than savings you can't touch for 30 years. Too many people think happiness comes at the end of your life; you need regular intervals of joy to make daily life worth living.

- You state you read a lot; I do, too. Can you take public transportation to work and read then, using your reading/futzing around on the Internet time in transition? Then save your "me time" after work for exercise, therapy, hobbies, socializing, or whatever? I bought a treadmill and now I do a lot of reading at home, walking up a steep incline and varying my speed. Two birds, one stone!

- Sex. LOTS OF SEX. Your brain is full of wonderful chemicals; your husband I'm sure is not opposed to it. This may sound weird, but the more sex you have, the more you'll want to have. It'll make you feel better about your body, less depressed, and frankly, it's exercise, too. If you don't feel sexy, start masturbating more. It'll help prime the well, so to speak.

- Is there a local group that caters to your cultural background? I'm not sure what it is, but for example, in my town there is an Asian arts group that handles film festivals, local arts festivals and displays, traditional holiday celebrations and the like. Would being around people with the same background as you, participating in or educating others about your culture help you connect with others and increase your time reconnecting with your heritage? If not, maybe you could start a group on meetup.com and create one?

Again, I felt just like you. Approximately the same age, too. I would come home and my dryer would break and I'd cry on the floor instead of trying to fix it. I'd starve myself and then work out 2 hours at the gym and GAIN weight. My sleep was shitty, I was negative to be around, everything was a disaster. I thought I was in my 30's and this is how things were; stagnant, body changing, frustrated. I did therapy, too, but very briefly--therapy is always a good idea, in my opinion, but the things I listed above are easily implemented and basically free.

Things are not significantly better for me now financially or work-wise, but I am better emotionally and physically, and that gives me the perspective to deal with the realities of life in a more optimistic and productive manner.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:02 AM on May 8 [14 favorites has favorites]

Many of gb77's suggestions are solid.

-Exercise
-Meditation (extremely valuable)
-The other suggestions i think are very valuable if you truly are 'clinically depressed'

I've been in a similar "funk" for the last 4-5 years. Life's been difficult and stressful. My income is significantly lower than I'd like, and my relationships have been underwhelming. The problem is I take counsel from my funk and I can't seem to break free. On a social level, I haven't been my true self for years. Here are some additional thoughts:

-Travelling out of my surroundings has been extremely helpful. For example, getting out of the country, flying to a totally different part of the country, etc, removes me from the daily grind and helps me reflect (i.e. meditate) on my life, what's going well, what's not, what I would like to change, etc.

-Keeping a gratitude journal. Every day, write down at least two things you're grateful for. Perhaps write it down at the end of the day. Just think of two things that happened that day for which you are grateful. They can be as simple as you didn't have to wait in line at the gas station. But, it's important you write it down, not just think about it. I think we're pretty spoiled with our comfortable lifestyle and forget the small blessings we have.

-Volunteer somewhere. I found that giving back and helping others has helped me quit thinking so much about myself. In addition, when you volunteer, make a concerted effort to actually get to know those you're serving. Get to know them for who they are, their goals and aspirations. Get to know them on a personal level. Not because you want to become their friend, but to remind you what's so beautiful about humanity. We all have struggles, but we've all learned and grown stronger for those. For me, when I let my defenses down, and sincerely look for the good in someone else, I'm reconnected to the beauty of humanity.

-Do something totally different than your normal activities. Have you always wanted to skydive, go to an exotic locale, take up a new sport? Just go do it.

These are just some thoughts. But, whatever you do, stay committed and focused knowing that it will take a while to pull out of your depression.
posted by marinade at 11:12 AM on May 8

I am infinitely happier when I don't work full time. Some people are not designed to compartmentalise their lives to someone else's timetable and the transition between activities is hugely draining. For three years I worked a four day week and my life exploded. I was studying, I was socialising, I was excercising - I felt vividly alive with that room to manoeuvre.

Now I'm back to five days and the impact it's had on my mental/physical energy has been a bit shocking. To me, the extra income is just not worth it. If you can negotiate even a four & 1/2 day week, that extra time might alleviate the pressure a bit.

Otherwise, counselling?
posted by freya_lamb at 11:41 AM on May 8

Can you sell your house, or rent it out and move somewhere smaller and cheaper? That way you don't have to take care of it on a daily basis, and can put more money in your retirement fund. I know everyone in this country is conditioned to buy a house and hang on to it for dear life, but I think having more money to put away for retirement is the way to go, especially if you feel trapped by home ownership.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:48 PM on May 8

I'm going to second pointystick in regards to having a pet. If you can afford it and you really want to, I would go ahead with it.

For most of my adult life, I have been depressed and I suspect I probably have a thyroid problem as well. I went from a healthy weight to almost past 200 lbs (I'm 5'4) within a year. I've been at that weight for years, and am sloooooowly starting to lose it. It's taken me over 3 years to lose 10 lbs though. I don't have the energy to exercise or hardly even the motivation.

What has kept me sane throughout this time is my dogs. Besides needing to look past my own care, they are also always there providing a reassuring presence. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, but the pups need feeding and a cuddle. Once I see their smiling faces or get a lick from them, I can't help but feel good about my life. Helps me get through just one more day.....and so on...
posted by arishaun at 5:49 PM on May 8 [1 favorite has favorites]