Is it wrong/weird to help my boyfriend pay for my engagement ring?

May 3, 2009 9:08 PM

Would it be wrong to help my boyfriend pay for my engagement ring?

We are the type of couple who talks about everything... that's just how we are. We have already picked out the ring that I want, and we've known that we were going to get married for 3 years. We pretty much are engaged, it's just not official yet since we are young (19).

I really think it's time to make it official though. Only problem is, my boyfriend doesn't have a lot of money. Not that he's lazy or anything- he works about 7 days a week. It's just that he isn't blessed with parents who are able to help pay for ANYTHING, so he's stuck paying for all of his college, his apartment, his car, etc. He will be able to work a lot this summer and save up some money, but it would still be hard on him.

I, on the other hand, am blessed with parents who can pay for what's left of my schooling after scholarships, and still live at home. I have plenty of money, and I would not mind at all helping pay for my ring. But, that might hurt his ego and is completely untraditional.

It's not like I'm some selfish brat who wants some big flashy ring, (the one we're looking at is $1,000.. I know that's a lot but it's not crazy is it?). I want a conflict-free diamond and I found EXACTLY what I want at brilliantearth's website. He's just wanting to wait and propose when he has more money, but goodness I feel like we should be engaged already! We won't be married until we graduate, or right before, but I really think it doesn't do us justice not to be engaged. I'm ready to be officially committed, and I know he is too- he's just worried about money.

He could get a cheaper ring, or a promise ring? And then we upgrade later? But if I can afford to help, why not? I'm always reading to spend "what the couple can afford" which makes it sound as if you spend it together. But apparently that's horrible.. so which one is it?

What if I just start paying for dinner/movies all the time, and maybe offer to make a college payment for him every once in a while? That way I'm helping him out, but not directly.

posted by kerri13 to human relations (59 comments total)

"Wrong" in this case is entirely defined by you. Do what thou wilt.
posted by Electrius at 9:09 PM on May 3 [4 favorites]

But apparently that's horrible..

Huh? What makes that apparent? Does your boyfriend have a hangup about you helping to pay for the ring?
posted by delmoi at 9:11 PM on May 3

It's not wrong or weird, but it's also not the ring that makes a couple "officially committed". You can be engaged without a ring, and you can be committed and planning marriage without a specific moment where you "get engaged".
posted by moxiedoll at 9:16 PM on May 3 [5 favorites]

We are the type of couple who talks about everything... that's just how we are.

So talk about this. Say, "Hey, sweetie-pie, I want to get engaged sooner than later, and I found the perfect ring; I know money's tight for you, and this is for us, not just me, so I want to help pay for it."

It's unusual, I guess, for a woman to help pay for the engagement ring, but who cares? If your boyfriend's cool with it, and you're cool with it, then go for it.
posted by Zozo at 9:18 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

Well, we really are engaged, but, there's never been an actually cliche proposal. We've both known we would get married for years like I said. He's asked me casually, and we are totally committed, and we know we will get married.

No, he doesn't have a hang up, but I bet he would feel a little uncomfortable about it. Then again... maybe not. I guess I'm just going off tradition here, because I know that most couples would think it would be horrible for him not to pay. But, most couples also would think it's not right for the ring not to be a surprise. It really is nobody's business, and no one would have to know I helped, nor would they have to know how much it cost.
posted by kerri13 at 9:20 PM on May 3

Do what you want. I bought mine, and the boy bought it from me later when he had some cash and we were in a more engagement-friendly situation... I didn't start wearing it until he gave it to me after that, though. People just get nuts about how the man should proviiiiide, and sometimes one of the people who has that ingrained in them is your man. So you'd have to work it out with him. Just like everything else. And some people care way too much about ring size and how much money your boyfriend is willing to spend, and they would think it's tacky and inappropriate. But they're the ones who care how much money their husbands spend on them, so their loss.
posted by Lady Li at 9:20 PM on May 3

And I would be fine with skipping the ring, except for the fact that we won't get married for another 2 years or so. It would be a symbol, and I would love the fact that it shows that I'm off-limits. I am totally for saving money for the important things, but I really would like something on my finger showing that I'm taken. And part of me can't help being a girl and wanting it to be nice.
posted by kerri13 at 9:23 PM on May 3

It's perfectly reasonable to share the cost of an engagement ring, and it's what many couples choose to do nowadays.

I married later than you might be (28) and perhaps because my now-spouse and I had been on our own for a while as individuals and then living together for a while, it didn't seem strange at all to pay for the jewelry out of a common pot. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense to me: you're combining your lives, which includes your finances at least to an extent.

On the other hand, the ring is just a symbol that we've decided means commitment, and there is no real reason to have it now or to have it at all for that matter. So you may want to ponder what it means to you in the context of the culture you guys are living in (in some places and among some people, it just might not be an engagement at all unless there's a ring in play, but in others, people won't care if you've got jewelry to prove your love) and decide for yourself whether getting a ring now, or later, or at all is what needs to be done. Maybe what would really be most useful and also meaningful to you guys is an engagement compost bin or a set of promise tires, once you get down to brass tacks.
posted by padraigin at 9:23 PM on May 3

So, first, Electrius is right. Do what thou wilt. None of us can tell you what's okay between you and your boyfriend.

But, I wonder if he's worried about money and not just the ring. If he's scrimping along, he may not think that he's ready to get married. It's not that he doesn't want to commit to loving you and only you, it's that he may not want to commit to supporting you yet. That is, if he has a thousand bucks for a ring, he must have the means to support a wife. Not that you specifically need support, but you are living at home right now, and you don't indicate you have a job.

I know I certainly didn't consider marriage until I had a well-paying job.

Anyway, sit down and talk to him about it. But, be prepared for him to tell you he needs to pay for it. And you might consider accepting that.
posted by Netzapper at 9:26 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

People don't always mean cash-in-hand when they say they want to wait until they have more money before getting engaged. Often it means (whether they know it or not) that they want to be able to have a certain financial stability and plan in place before starting a family and making such a major life decision. While there's not much worth in the two-months-salary metric, it is important to recognize that the "ability" to afford a ring reflects more than just current holdings.

There's a lot that goes into deciding when to propose and he may be signaling that he would like more stability with his finances, etc, before getting engaged. If you want to get married, you can always propose to him. That said, if he's not at a place where he feels comfortable making that decision then it won't do much good. You're both young, his gut might not be wrong on this one. If he knows you are ready to get engaged, then don't rush him.
posted by allen.spaulding at 9:29 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

I bought mine.
I had the money and he did not.
Who cares?
posted by j at 9:31 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

(I do have a job, that's where I get all my money. I just don't have a whole lot to pay for. I could support myself and move to my own place, but there's no reason not to stay here for the time being.) I understand he's not ready to be married quite yet, but nothing wrong with being engaged.


And yes, he knows. I really should quit bothering him about it. I'll bring up helping him pay and then I'll drop it. Obviously I don't want him to feel pressured to propose at all.
posted by kerri13 at 9:33 PM on May 3

I helped pay for mine. We've been married thirteen years. I don't, and didn't think any less of him for it, and I don't think anyone ever asked us about it. It's none of their business, anyway.
posted by Savannah at 9:44 PM on May 3

Lots of couples share the cost of the engagement ring.

The trick is keeping your relatives/acquaintances from poking their noses where they don't belong. Go all classic etiquette and refuse to discuss matters pertaining to finances by brushing off questions with vague pleasantries.
posted by desuetude at 9:51 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

What if you helped him another way -- like sharing car costs or rent so that he could save money more quickly towards the ring?

It's really all the same in the end, but the perception might be different.
posted by polexa at 9:57 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

The commitment is more important than the ring. If you feel secure about the relationship, then why rush things? Also, very much what allen.spaulding said.
posted by gudrun at 10:00 PM on May 3

We have already picked out the ring that I want

Pick a ring he can afford to buy. It's a symbol. It doesn't have to be a rock.
posted by ook at 10:09 PM on May 3 [6 favorites]

So, two things.

When I got married, I had already been seeing my wife for five years, and we had already pooled our bank accounts. So when I bought the ring, she was right there with me, and our only nod to tradition (besides buying a ring at all, of course) was that I was the one to sign the receipt.

But five years is a long time. By that point, we already knew most of each other's hopes and fears surrounding both the wedding and the marriage. That made the whole thing pretty easy. Make sure you talk to him about it...there's no reason any aspect of the wedding should be based on a decision he makes that's entirely (ahem) divorced from your own desires and aversions in re: weddings, and vice versa. Especially with how much money goes into weddings these days, the more open you both are about all of this stuff, the better it will turn out.

The reason I mention this at all is that your question struck me (and I think several other posters so far) as being too personal for us to really answer. Is it weird/wrong to pay for your own ring? Only if it feels weird or wrong to you or your fiance. You guys are the ones who will be living with whatever choices you make now, not us! And the best way to figure out the right thing to do will be to talk to your fiance about it. Simple as that.
posted by voltairemodern at 10:19 PM on May 3

He's just wanting to wait

If he wants to wait, for whatever reason, then in my opinion you should not buy yourself an engagement ring. Of course, you can buy yourself all the diamond rings you want, but not an engagement ring. Because, he wants to wait.
posted by Houstonian at 10:26 PM on May 3 [5 favorites]

We are the type of couple who talks about everything

Talk to him about wanting a ring. Suggest all the things to him that you asked us. See if getting a cheap one to start is cool with him. See if pitching in on his college costs is something he's ok with. See if you helping to pay for the one that you want is a better option. This is a question that is truly between you and him.
posted by magikker at 10:32 PM on May 3

It worked for me. My wife to be had a good job, I was freelancing and dirt poor, with a student loan to pay. We talked about almost everything, including finances, we both knew how much money we had. We had talked before of how we thought the "3 month salary" engagement ring was a stupid tradition, and how diamonds are basically a scam, but agreed that engagement rings are a nice symbol.

It went like this:
She: "I want a ring"
Me: "How much can WE spend?"
She: "200 dollars plus whatever you can save"
Me: "When do you want it?"
She: "In 2 weeks".

I went for quality instead of size, so she got the clearest, brightest, whitest, most flawless diamond the size of a grain of sea salt that 300 hundred dollars can buy.

We were able to shut up every relative asking if I had proposed yet, she was able to signal that she was off limits, and my egos was just a tiny bit bruised when I saw the rings my friends and hers were getting. The good thing is that we were the first amongst our friends to pay off our debts, the first to buy some real estate, and one of the few that never had to find out that a diamond's resale value is crap.

So, in few words: The ring is an important symbol for many, if you want one, talk to him about it and figure out a budget together. You will have to do this over and over again once you get married, get some practice now.
posted by dirty lies at 10:55 PM on May 3 [5 favorites]

If he wants to wait, for whatever reason, then in my opinion you should not buy yourself an engagement ring.

Agreed. If he wants to wait until he's in the financial position to buy you the engagement ring himself, I can respect that position. You are going to be together for the rest of your lives, there's no reason to rush the ring.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:05 PM on May 3 [1 favorite]

In this case I think you should respect his wishes that he can wait and buy you a ring the old fashioned way. The ritual is obviously more important to him than it is to you and this way this incredibly important event will be a totally positive memory for both of you. And no real skin off your nose, expect that you have to wait a bit longer for it.

I hate waiting so I sympathize.
posted by fshgrl at 12:04 AM on May 4

I know a few couples who bought a cheapie ring to show they were engaged then saved up and got a 'proper' one for the wedding. In one case it was fake play jewellery, worth practically nothing, but it looked nice at a glance and everyone assumed it was real. There's also a tradition of getting a nice ring/nice setting but cheap stone then upgrading the stone on your first anniversary. My parents did something similar but upgraded the stone on their 2th wedding anniversary, before then it just seemed less important than bringing up their family. So there is oodles of precedence for not jumping straight to a fancy engagement ring.

I think your position and feelings here are pretty reasonable. You seem to have a good understanding of your boyfriend's thoughts so I believe you when you say communication is decent. But he also has an entirely reasonable position too, it's totally fine and normal for him to not want to get engaged with a ring he can't afford, and that position deserves respect.

Definitely talk to him but make it a dialogue where you explore options and timelines rather than just a yes/no question. And keep in mind that there are some middle options between no ring vs $1000 ring that you could explore. That way you get the commitment and outward signs of commitment that you want and just make your girly vanity wait a couple of years to be satisfied.
posted by shelleycat at 12:55 AM on May 4

but upgraded the stone on their 2th wedding anniversary

Ok that should say 25th wedding anniversary, just to put it more properly in context.
posted by shelleycat at 12:56 AM on May 4

Not wrong for you to buy or share in the buying of your ring, but not good for you to unintentionally or intentionally goose the timeframe or "lock it in" by buying yourself the ring, even if the main motivator for you is that you like the ring and can afford it and the other stuff is just a side effect. If important-to-you developments in your relationship have gotten snagged on the financial question, or if your uneven financial resources raise questions like this now and again, those are great subjects to talk over with him directly as his partner rather than keeping as subtext.
posted by Halle at 2:47 AM on May 4

You are 19.

A lot can happen in two years.

Rings have high retail markup.

Are you following me?

Wait.

(I was engaged at 18. I never married that person.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:20 AM on May 4 [17 favorites]

So I bought my wife a beautiful engagement ring, 50s style, cast from a mold from the time using titanium. In it, we set a lovely diamond that came down from a family member who had passed, and set a few new diamonds alongside it. Total outlay was -- well, let's just say it was more than you're talking about, even though I didn't have to pay for the main diamond (amount omitted primarily because my wife reads this site and doesn't know how much I paid, heh.)

We also had wedding bands made, hers with passed-down diamonds from her mother (still alive, but laden with unworn jewelry) and mine with a single diamond. Very lovely, expensive, and so on. Well-insured, too. While the engagement ring was a heartfelt thing, the weddings bands were more "we need to do this, and we have the diamonds, so let's do it right."

Then my wife lost the wedding band in a matter of moments. She was, needless to say, very very upset. And I, through simple stupid negligence, lost my wedding band somewhere around the house and never found it. So the engagement ring went into a safety deposit box -- because it was a lot more emotionally important to her -- and we bought $15 cheapie rings at a mall kiosk until we could pick out new wedding bands.

That was many years ago, and we still wear the cheapies. We're actually more emotionally attached to them, because of the circumstances surrounding their acquisition, and of course since they're not valuable at all we haven't lost them. I'm looking at mine right now, and I even like the style better than the one I lost. We laugh about it, but we never replace them.

My point is, I guess, that what the ring signifies is more important than the ring itself, but at the same time I know that engagement rings are very important to some people. Just give a few minutes thought to which one you'd like more: getting married to your current boyfriend with a $15 ring, or not marrying him. So long as you'd choose the former over the latter, the ring doesn't matter all that much beyond whatever importance you personally put on it.

I will say this, though: if he wants to pay for it himself, you should let him, and you should be proud because he gave it to you. If you won't be proud to show it off unless it's the $1000 ring you've picked out -- well, then you might not be focusing on the important things, and you can officially count yourself as still too young. I mean that in the best possible way.
posted by davejay at 3:27 AM on May 4 [7 favorites]

Note: I mean this:

"...and of course since they're not valuable at all we haven't lost them."

To point out how it always seems you lose the things that are valuable but not the stuff that didn't cost anything, NOT to suggest that we lost the valuable ones on purpose because they were insured.
posted by davejay at 3:29 AM on May 4

Is it wrong/weird to help my boyfriend pay for my engagement ring?

Yes.

At 19, doubly so.
posted by wfrgms at 3:55 AM on May 4 [2 favorites]

I bought my engagement ring because I had the better-paying job at the time. My husband didn't care, so it was all right.

It sounds like your boyfriend would care. That makes it less all right. I know you want the flashy ring and the commitment now, but if he's not comfortable with it (whether it's just an inability to provide the ring, or if he's really not emotionally ready), it won't be as sweet as it will be when you both want it.
posted by christinetheslp at 4:01 AM on May 4

There's no rush. Like TPS said, if your gonna be 2gether 4ever, just wait until he can afford it. But your description sounds like he isn't jumping at the chance to get a ring and officially propose. He could still do that and get a temporary ring for the time being. But if I imagine myself in his shoes, if you pressure him on this, it make him really uncomfortable.

Also, this:
You are 19.

A lot can happen in two years.

Rings have high retail markup.

Are you following me?

Wait.


And this:

I know you want the flashy ring and the commitment now, but if he's not comfortable with it (whether it's just an inability to provide the ring, or if he's really not emotionally ready), it won't be as sweet as it will be when you both want it.

Heed these words of wisdom.
posted by chillmost at 4:05 AM on May 4 [2 favorites]

Why not have him buy you a nice, $30-$50 promise ring? You can wear it on your left ring finger and no one will be any the wiser.

Of course, that being said. . . and I'm in the neighborhood of your age. . . everyone I know who had a promise ring (about 4 or 5 girls) did not end up with their promise ring partners, and I doubt it was the promise ring that was the death keel of their relationship. But I'm sure they were all glad they spent $50, not $1,000 on a ring. Life is long these days, and people are very highly mobile. I'm not saying you and your boyfriend aren't going to walk down the aisle someday (I have some good friends marrying their high school sweethearts after four or five years of dating and graduating from college, but they're pretty conservative types, and their whole structure supports earlier versus later marriage.) but I'm always a believer in hedging my bets. Not romantic, but you have to have that head-and-heart balance.
posted by Dukat at 4:48 AM on May 4

There's nothing wrong with helping him pay for the ring or even buying it yourself, as long as he gives you the go ahead. If he objects to it, for whatever reason, then live without the ring.

fwiw, I never had an engagement ring. It doesn't make the engagement any more or less serious to have one. Now that I'm married, we still don't even have wedding rings. It doesn't make the marriage any more or less official to have them.

$1,000 is a lot of money to spend on anything, especially something that's just tradition and doesn't have any actual bearing on your relationship, but if you're both okay with it go for it. There's nothing wrong with doing things because it's tradition if you like to, just be sure you're not doing it because you feel like you're not really engaged unless you have a ring. You're as engaged as you want to be.

Whatever you do, though, don't just buy the ring without getting his permission. Be certain you ask him first, and if he has any reservations whatsoever, back off. :-)
posted by Nattie at 4:52 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

I know that most couples would think it would be horrible for him not to pay.

I'm not "most couples" but I don't think it would be horrible for him not to pay, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. The most important thing is that you talk to him about it and that you agree about what you're going to do.

But, most couples also would think it's not right for the ring not to be a surprise.

Again, I can't speak for everyone, but there are is a much greater variety of opinion out there than you realise. I didn't have an engagement ring, because I didn't want one (though we both wear wedding rings now) and we didn't have a "proposal moment".
posted by altolinguistic at 5:17 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

We have already picked out the ring that I want
and
I found EXACTLY what I want at brilliantearth's website

along with:
He's just wanting to wait and propose when he has more money
but goodness I feel like we should be engaged already!
he's just worried

a few thoughts - you use a lot of I statements here. i understand why, this is a very personal thing you're working through, but it also strikes me that when you talk about his feelings (when you talk about his feelings) you diminish their weight by throwing in the word "just". you say you talk about everything, but do you listen when he shares his true feelings with you. it seems to me your answer is in your question, but only you guys will know for sure.

also, you say you want to show the world you're taken. you show that more by your actions than by any bauble or shiny thing you have on your hand.

davejay says some incredibly important things. pay them mind.
posted by nadawi at 5:39 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

p.s. add me to the list of people "functionally engaged but never married" at 16, 19, and 24. a ring won't secure your relationship any more than the love you put into it.
posted by nadawi at 5:42 AM on May 4

This is not 1950. The two of you are starting a life together, complete with shared burdens, shared goals, shared achievements. If your boyfriend is on board with making "put ring on finger" a goal the two of you want to achieve, than then everyone contributes to that goal according to his or her ability. That isn't untraditional: that is marriage.

I provided my own diamond from a family ring; my husband bought the side stones. I designed the ring; he paid for it. I got an engagement ring; he got an engagement Zippo. We lived happily ever after.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:35 AM on May 4

Make the ring(s) together, or for each other.

Look into jewelry classes near you - night schools, adult education, trade schools, etc may advertise them, and local jewelers (the sort who make their own, rather than the sort who just buy and resell stock) will probably know where you can get into a class.

You'll be charged a fee for the course, and a materials fee as well, but the total cost will bring you far more satisfaction per dollar with your ring(s) than you would get from a retail ring. You'll also acquire an interesting new skill/hobby in common.

If the two of you want only you to wear a ring that he has worked for, you paying for him to do the jewelry course and make you a ring is a good way of achieving that outcome with him having contributed greatly to to the production of the ring, without you having bought it for yourself, and with only you having spent money.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:39 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

There's nothing wrong with helping him pay for the ring or even buying it yourself, as long as he gives you the go ahead. If he objects to it, for whatever reason, then live without the ring.

I think this is really important. A friend in college had been dating her boyfriend forever, and was just sure that they were going to get engaged. He kept stalling, because he wasn't financially ready, which she interpreted as "didn't have money for a ring". Guys think about this differently--having cash in hand to buy a ring didn't matter one bit to him. He wanted to PROVIDE for her, a life, a home, etc. He didn't want to be living off student loans and parental handouts while they were engaged or married. He wanted to be "a man". I think he also felt that once he gave in to buying the ring, she would start pushing to get married that much sooner. And about a year after they graduated from college, once he had started his own business and was doing well, he got her the ring (FINALLY, she said) and they got married. Not having a ring during college didn't mean her relationship was any less committed. It meant that her boyfriend/future husband had great priorities.

And also, this
You are 19.

A lot can happen in two years.

Rings have high retail markup.

Are you following me?

Wait.

I was engaged at 17. I didn't marry that guy (and we never got the ring that he was making payments on--I don't even know what happened to the money). I was also pretty much engaged at 20 to someone else (not "officially", but we'd been dating for a few years and had talked about it and were pretty sure it was going to happen). I didn't marry him, either. I'm glad he didn't spend money on a ring, because it might have made us stay together out of obligation longer than we did, which was still longer than we should have.

A cheaper (less than $100) promise ring is a better idea here, since it allows your boyfriend to wait until he feels more financially stable before purchasing a ring and/or committing to planning a wedding, and neither of you will have spent money in case the worst happens and things don't work out between you.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:43 AM on May 4

As a followup, though: in general, no, I don't think it's "wrong" for a woman to contribute to her own engagement ring, particularly in cases where finances are already combined.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:45 AM on May 4

Engagement is so, so much more than the ring. It sounds like you two have already made a solid commitment to each other and to getting married in the future. The ring is just a symbol, and really, it doesn't matter who pays for the monetary value of said symbol.

That said: You're 19. The ring will be there later. If you know you're not going to get married for at least another 3 years, buy a ring out of a vending machine or whatever and wait for a time when getting a "real" engagement ring isn't a financial imposition on either one of you. If you buy the ring now, it's going to be forever tied to his unemployment at the time and his inability to help you pay. If that doesn't matter to either of you, so be it, but it sounds like it matters. Wait. You've got PLENTY of time.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:51 AM on May 4

Whenever I think of a woman contributing to buying her own engagement ring, I think of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

You're better off waiting and making sure he really wants it, or else you might get blindsided. That's why it would be "wrong" of you to contribute.
posted by anniecat at 7:14 AM on May 4

Okay, so I'm untraditional about this sort of thing. Have been with my SO since I was 18, only got engaged last fall, six years later. I was the one to propose, and he got a ring, not me.

So, theoretically, and generally, I feel that whatever the couple wants to do is fine.

But specifically, in your case, your post and follow-up comments raise several red flags.

It would be a symbol, and I would love the fact that it shows that I'm off-limits. I am totally for saving money for the important things, but I really would like something on my finger showing that I'm taken. And part of me can't help being a girl and wanting it to be nice.

A ring's not what shows you're off-limits. I've known girls with rocks on their left ring finger who cheated (and, to be fair, men had no problem approaching them). On the other hand, if you seem like someone who is in a committed relationship, that will show that you're off-limits. I've never had trouble with stating or having people respect those stated boundaries before or after I was engaged, ring or not. When you tell people you're engaged, they'll ooh and aah and ask about the wedding regardless of whether you have a ring. I promise.

(The only person who's ever taken issue about my lack of a ring was my future mother in law, who was embarrassed that I didn't have one when we were going to a big family party, and dragged me out to TJ Maxx to buy a [non-diamond] ring. I've never since worn it on my ring finger, because it's not an engagement ring; I feel that her lack of understanding about it--heck, anyone's lack of understanding about it--is due to a lack of understanding and respect for us as a couple, fundamentally. But picking your battles is part of being mature enough to be married, I think, FWIW.)

(I do have a job, that's where I get all my money. I just don't have a whole lot to pay for. I could support myself and move to my own place, but there's no reason not to stay here for the time being.) I understand he's not ready to be married quite yet, but nothing wrong with being engaged.

If you can't support yourself--or if staying with your parents seems more practical and comfortable for you--you might consider holding off on all of the marriage talk. Remember that marriage is just as much a financial union as it is a romantic one. And while some people are fine with symbolic engagements, others might expect to get married within a year or so after engagement, or to not discuss marriage until it's feasible at all. This isn't an unreasonable expectation. To give you a taste of what you might experience once you get engaged: Mr. WanKenobi and I don't plan on getting married for a long while, and haven't started planning at all. I've had people react like our engagement is invalid because of that. People, especially traditional people, see engagement as synonymous with "planning a wedding." I think that's perfectly understandable, honestly, even if I don't view it the same way.

It's not like I'm some selfish brat who wants some big flashy ring, (the one we're looking at is $1,000.. I know that's a lot but it's not crazy is it?).

Compared to some engagement rings, no, that's not a lot. But the cost of diamond rings is grossly inflated, anyway. I would feel strange making a symbolic gesture that neither party could really afford (because, let's face it, you can only afford this because you don't have real expenses, and he can't) at the outset of marriage. I'm being superstitious, I'm sure, but to me, that doesn't speak well for the maturity, patience, and ability to plan financially for the two of you as a couple. And all of those things are integral to marriage. I would feel differently if you were both financially independent and you were helping him out. But, when it comes down to it, you're not.

And there are alternatives to thousand dollar rings. The aforementioned jewelry classes. Department stores often have rings, diamond or not, that would do in a pinch for far cheaper--costco has been once place I've heard people discuss often. Heck, you could even try etsy or for something unique and handmade, or antique shops. But in my experience, websites that sell engagement rings are perpetuating the goals of the wedding industry, not the best consumer experience or deal. And you lose something of the experience there, I think. This isn't the decision made by the couple, but by the woman, alone in her room, surfing the internet (I had a roommate who used to do the same thing. With two different boyfriends! She didn't marry either of them).

Sorry if this sounds harsh. But even though I totally understand you're impatience, you're nineteen--your goals and relationship are going to change greatly over the next few years. And doing marriage (and engagement!) right is important enough to hold off on it, to be patient. Trust me, it will be even better if you wait, and if you're sure--really sure--that this is something that both you and your partner both want and can afford.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:24 AM on May 4 [3 favorites]

I was engaged at your age, he was a little younger and his parents didn't like me so they weren't about to help with ring/wedding expenses - he and I went together to a mall jewelery store and got a semi-precious ring. He got down on his knee in the car and asked me to marry him, all official.

We never did get married, but one of my happiest memories is the day we got the ring, and how happy I was every time I looked down at my finger. I've had a lot more expensive jewelry since then, but that's probably the piece that meant the most to me. I'm actually tearing up now.

Whatever ring you get, you will end up loving it because of what it means to you. You can put that $1000 into a honeymoon fund or a wedding fund or whatever else you want - you'll find all kinds of unexpected expenses.

As far as timing, let him do it on his own time. He will appreciate it.

(I am not per se for or against helping to pay in general - I think it's incredibly situation-dependent.)
posted by KAS at 7:45 AM on May 4

He's just wanting to wait and propose when he has more money, but goodness I feel like we should be engaged already!

It's not the ring that worries him. What worries him is that now, at 19, and in college, and having to pay for everything himself, and not being able to save, and not being able to be in a mental, financial, and comfortable place to be engaged. Because what does it mean to be engaged? It means you're getting married.

He's already made a commitment to you. He already sees him spending his life with you. What he doesn't see is him being able to match his (and your) expectations when it comes to marriage. He can't provide. He can't save for a house. He can't do all the dumb things 16 year old kids think about when they think about marriage. And he's also focused on getting his degree and living his life. He's not ready to make the financial commitment to put the money down on a ring because buying a ring means getting married. And getting married means paying for a wedding. And having a wedding means stressful wedding planning, a honeymoon, a house, living together, and you and him living a life together where you are no longer financially attached to your parents. Your parents pay for stuff now - that doesn't mean they will when you are married or that your boyfriend wants your parents too either. He's 19. His ego might take a huge hit if your parents are still taking care of him.

I personally believe that you're not engaged if you don't have a wedding date. He might feel the same way. Understand that talking about getting married, being faux engaged, isn't the same as really getting married and really being engaged. You and your boyfriend are looking at this from two different perspectives. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and isn't committed to you - it means that you're both young, at different places in your life, living in different situations, and aren't communicating with each other as well as you should.

There is nothing wrong with you helping your boyfriend pay for an engagement ring. The crux of the matter is that your question isn't about helping your boyfriend pay for an engagement ring. It's about your annoyance with having to "wait" to fulfill the expectation in your head of being engaged, of rushing, of wanting something right now. You both have different views of what an engagement ring is. Talk, grow, wait, and figure that stuff out first. Then see what happens.
posted by Stynxno at 8:26 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

We talked about it last night. It was pretty simple- he wants to pay for it. I said that the only reason I want to help is because I feel bad that the ring I want is so expensive, and he said "I don't care, if that's what you want I'll make it happen". I thought that was very sweet, and all of this is making me realize that he really does want to be able to provide for me, you guys are right. He has said those things in passing, and while I was listening.. my impatience was blinding me. He wants to be able to support himself completely.

The reason this wasn't an issue for me is that I know that by the time we are married I will have a good job (it's already lined up, the hospital is helping pay for my school and I have a job as a nurse there when I graduate). He will have a good job too. So I guess I was feeling like it's okay if we get an expensive ring since we won't be needing anymore money for marriage for a few more years.

And, for the record, I am the farthest thing from being a girl who likes expensive things. I am one of the most thrifty people ever, and trust me I understand the finances of marriage. I know how to budget, and I can't stress enough how good I am at finding deals. But, in the case of the ring... I know there are cheaper ones, but I really am adamant on getting a conflict-free diamond, and this one is exactly what I want. And I know if should be good quality if I will have it for the rest of my life.

But after hearing him say "I don't care, I will make it happen" it really just hit me that I just need to let it go. It is really important to him to pay for this himself. He knows what ring I want, so I can just drop it and "forget" about it until he can afford it. And it works out nice, too, because he will still have the decision to pick out the exact diamond, he will have to research that and make that decision. It really is going to be so special when he is able to do it all on his own and surprise me. I really am going to try and stop bugging him.
Like I said, it really would be the best of both worlds- I got to pick out the ring, but he will still have to make decisions, he will pay, and it will be a complete surprise.

Oh, and I know I don't need a ring to show that I'm taken. Everyone knows, and I tell the ones who don't. My actions really do show it, it's not like this is a problem. I would just like to still have it, but it's not that important.

I'm going to do my best to just drop this. He is well aware, I've made my point, now I'll just back off. Maybe I'll offer to pay for other things more often so that he can save more, but I really have realized that it will mean so much more to both of us if he can buy it himself.
posted by kerri13 at 9:19 AM on May 4

A man gives his beloved an engagement token to symbolize the pledging of his material resources - whatever they might be - towards her welfare. She is meant to value the token for the love that inspired that pledge - not by how much that pledge may mean in dollar terms. If you want to marry him for the right reasons, a ring folded together from chewing gum wrappers should mean no less - and perhaps more - to you than a $1,000 diamond. And if he's worth marrying, he'll be mature enough not to spend any money he can't afford.

So, taking you at your word that you're not a "selfish brat who wants some big flashy ring", why exactly do you want a ring that you would need to pay for yourself? If it's to make people think your boyfriend has more money than he does, or because it will make the engagement "more real", I'm afraid those are not good reasons.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:27 AM on May 4

So, taking you at your word that you're not a "selfish brat who wants some big flashy ring", why exactly do you want a ring that you would need to pay for yourself? If it's to make people think your boyfriend has more money than he does, or because it will make the engagement "more real", I'm afraid those are not good reasons.

It's definitely not so that people think he has more money.. I've spent my whole life trying to look like I have *less* money than I do, so trust me that's not it. Of course I would marry him without a ring, I would marry him in a dumpster with a piece of string for my ring- I just want to be with him.

That being said, if it's possible then it is ideal to have a nice ring that will last forever. I would take any ring and be happy.. but what's wrong with us talking about it and getting exactly what I want? I mean, I will be wearing it for the rest of my life, I don't think it's that wrong for me to want to love it. I would love anything he gave me, but I think that makes sense. I completely understand your point, though.

And it's not to make it more real, I think it would be more real if he would propose- with or without a ring. And I think it is pretty real as it is since we know we are going to get married and we are committed.
posted by kerri13 at 9:34 AM on May 4

That being said, if it's possible then it is ideal to have a nice ring that will last forever. I would take any ring and be happy.. but what's wrong with us talking about it and getting exactly what I want? I mean, I will be wearing it for the rest of my life, I don't think it's that wrong for me to want to love it. I would love anything he gave me, but I think that makes sense. I completely understand your point, though.

Especially since you're interested in conflict-free diamonds, you might want to evaluate your attitude towards jewelry--as it seems you've nevertheless bought Debeers' "A diamond is forever" message hook, line, and sinker. Any metal jewelry is going to be long lasting, and even cubic zirconium is going to outlast you. And most women wear their wedding rings, not their engagement rings, after marrying. Also be aware that most people won't know that your diamond is conflict-free, and just by wearing one you're playing into the system that says women need a diamond stone to get engaged.

I don't want to derail this into an anti-diamond thread or anything, but especially since you're already thinking about conflict-free diamonds, it might be worth just doing a thought experiment about why it has to be a diamond for you to "love it."
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:21 AM on May 4 [1 favorite]

The reason this wasn't an issue for me is that I know that by the time we are married I will have a good job (it's already lined up, the hospital is helping pay for my school and I have a job as a nurse there when I graduate). He will have a good job too. So I guess I was feeling like it's okay if we get an expensive ring since we won't be needing anymore money for marriage for a few more years.
Nothing is ever certain (other than death & taxes), and you never know what could happen between now and the time you both graduate. The economy could recover and take another nosedive, your hospital might merge with another or get bought out entirely, etc, and that promised job may longer be waiting for you. There seems to be a perpetual shortage of nurses, though, so you could probably find a job elsewhere with little difficulty.

I sort of half-had my eye on a large diamond ring we'd seen at a pawn shop, but even there is was $800 and the future Mr. Adams couldn't afford it. I already earned much more than he did, and to offer to pay (or help pay) for my engagement ring would probably just have rubbed that fact in further. He proposed a few months later, and surprised me with a beautiful amethyst ring (set between two small diamond chips), because he knew that purple was my favorite color. I loved that ring but eventually had to stop wearing it because somehow I kept knocking the prong-set jewel loose. We had it fixed many times, but Mr. Adams finally bought me a band with channel-set gemstones for our 10th anniversary to wear with my wedding ring instead.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:03 AM on May 4

It's good that you realize you need to let it go. One thing I felt worth noting:

So I guess I was feeling like it's okay if we get an expensive ring since we won't be needing anymore money for marriage for a few more years

Never count on money you don't have yet. Always better to propose with an inexpensive ring - or no ring - and upgrade later or spend more on the wedding ring when you actually have money, than to spend money banking on jobs you're not actually in yet.
posted by canine epigram at 11:47 AM on May 4

The person you are at 19 is vastly different from the person you'll be at 29, and even more vastly different from the person you'll be at 39. To make a statement along the lines of, "I want X because it's perfect and will last me a lifetime" is just...well, it's just incorrect. Life experience is going to alter what you want and what works for you. So I caution you against locking in on something that you feel is oh-so perfect at this early stage in your life. That goes for boyfriend/fiance as well as engagement ring. That sounds really pessimistic, I realize, but what I'm getting at is there's no rush here, but you seem to want to make it allhappenrightnow which is your youth talking. Nothing wrong with that, it's part of life, but be careful about believing you know exactly what you want out of life forever and ever because - I dare say - you likely haven't experienced enough of life yet to fully know. I say that with kindness not criticism.

There's no rush. Your boyfriend wants to take his time, whatever his reasons are, be they financial or emotional (I suspect both). You're not seeing that and want to fast track it which makes me wonder if there are some communication issues at play here. Slow down, enjoy the ride. There's more to this than the destination. Before you hit the marriage stage, you need to determine if your financial outlook and communication methods mesh. So far, hmm. Looks like those two things need a little work. Focusing on ameliorating those skills will serve you far, far better than debating over ring payment methods.

(And it doesn't matter who pays as long as you both agree on the decision, fwiw.)
posted by December at 11:57 AM on May 4

Also be aware that most people won't know that your diamond is conflict-free

This is true - mine is from Canada. No one ever, ever asks and thus they have no way of knowing. I certainly wouldn't go around telling people because it seems "holier-than-thou" to me, which is not my intent.

That said, it looks as if you've had a good conversation with your guy and you've come to a mutually agreeable conclusion. I wish you a long life together.
posted by desjardins at 11:59 AM on May 4

If you want a ring, buy yourself a ring, just don't call it or wear it as an engagement ring. There is nothing wrong with buying yourself a pretty sapphire or blue topaz ring if it is important to you, but an engagement ring is symbolic. To give you an example, my husband proposed to another woman before he met me. The engagement was called off and she gave him the ring back. The ring, a small diamond solitaire, fits me and looks well with my wedding band but I never wear it-- he didn't buy it for me and he didn't propose to me with a ring in his hand. So this useless symbol just languishes in my jewelery box. If he had proposed and given me an engagement ring, the size of the stone and what it looked like would have made no difference-- I would have treasured it for the symbol that it was.

By the way, I've been married twice and neither men gave me a ring. I didn't miss it. I'm not that crazy about the idea of tying up all that money in a tiny rock to wear around my finger.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:08 PM on May 4

Just in case anyone is going to check back here, I found a ring that is the exact style that I like, only the main stone is a Peridot (his birthstone and my favorite color). And there are two tiny diamonds next to it (my birthstone). And it's only $130. Not saying we're going to get it at all or any time soon, but I'm going to show it to him and he can make the decision by himself. I just thought it was great since it's not only my favorite color, but it has both of our birthstones, and it's much cheaper.
posted by kerri13 at 5:15 PM on May 4

A couple things on rings.

You really have to go looking for conflict diamonds now. I don't think you as a consumer would be able to buy a diamond without one of those certificates stating it's conflict-free. All rings are technically conflict free in this day and age. Still, the idea that you can buy 'conflict' free rings seems poorly thought out. Diamonds in Africa are worth what they are worth because people place value on diamonds. So buying a Canadian diamond for X amount of dollars still keeps the price for diamonds high. The whole idea of conflict free diamonds is all marketing -- though this isn't surprising since diamond engagement rings are essentially a marketing phenomenon.

My wife wanted a diamond engagement ring. A lot. Now she hardly wears it. She's so paranoid about losing it. She wears her wedding ring, and will take the engagement ring out on occasion. You never know how your tastes will change, or how you'll feel about that expensive piece of jewelry in a few months or years.
posted by chunking express at 8:00 AM on May 5

How about synthetic diamonds?

Guaranteed conflict free in a way that devalues the market for conflictfull diamonds as well.
posted by Netzapper at 11:45 AM on May 5

you say you understand his reservations are about more than just the ring, but then you go look for cheaper rings. you say you're going to drop it, then you say you're going to show him the new ring.

i think you really need to examine why you want the ring at the expense of his stated feelings about the matter.
posted by nadawi at 8:00 PM on May 5