Getting over it

May 3, 2009 4:12 PM

Hi it's been 2 months since I posted this question. I have cut ties since the posting of that question and have not contacted the person. Any tips or advice for what to do when the urge strikes to contact him?

I've been pretty good during this past 1 month and 1/2ish time period - some days I don't think about contacting him at all. However, other days all I want to do is contact them. I don't know why really, the "urgency" of needing the friendship that I had in the earlier question is not there for me anymore (really realizing that you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? complete anti-aphrodisiac). But why do I sometimes feel the urge to contact him? And does anyone have tips on how to combat those thoughts?

My theory: I feel a sort of bittersweet-ness... like I yearn for the things that could have been with us (as short as the dating period was). But I know they can't. How do you cope in that situation?

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

Get out of the house and go do anything else: coffee with a friend, seeing a movie, just taking a walk. Also, I presume you want to call him because you're not dating anyone else. Change that and you'll find that you don't give a shit what's he's doing.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 4:20 PM on May 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just learn to endure it: I promise you it will abate with time. And time will inevitably pass. Take it one hour at a time if you must.
posted by sickinthehead at 5:05 PM on May 3

But why do I sometimes feel the urge to contact him?

Because you miss him. Before, you at least had friendship, but now there's nothing, not relationship, no dating, no friendship. It's normal to feel that way.

How do you cope in that situation?

Write a letter, get it all out on paper, really pour it out. Then burn the letter ala burning man, like a cathartic ritual. Or drop it in the mail, with just his name on it, no address and no return address. Or make paper airplanes out of it. The point is to get it out of your system and send it somewhere else.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:07 PM on May 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

For you, knowledge is power. You need to get a little notebook. Every time you feel that urge to call, write down what you were thinking right before that. Then address the thing you just thought about.

It has been my experience that limerance for someone unattainable often arises when one is beset by other problems. These problems are usually ones which can be dealt with, but for one reason or another are unpleasant to us.

So you need to know what it is that you are thinking about. Once you know that, you have got past the hardest part.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:00 PM on May 3 [3 favorites has favorites]

Your feelings are completely normal. Keep yourself busy. Listen to happy music. Make plans with friends. Plan weekend getaways. Go on vacation. Pick up a new hobby. Go the gym, a lot.
posted by hazyspring at 6:48 PM on May 3

This feeling has no "because". It exists on its own, whether or not you have a name for it. In eastern though it might be called moh, and they would recommend a meditative practice leading to non-attachement.

Just let the feeling be. Do not fight it, do not act on it, do not judge it. Just be with the feeling for a moment, and calmly observe the effect that it has on you, whether it is good or bad. Then it will run its course.
posted by gmarceau at 7:13 PM on May 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

I asked a vaguely similar question a while ago ... the circumstances were different, but the end result of I-like-him-he-doesn't-like-me (at least not in the same way) was pretty much the same.

I still get urges to contact him, but I've killed all of them successfully by doing one thing: playing out in my mind how the conversation would go. Perhaps even more strongly because I left the situation with the ball in his court (I was the last to initiate contact, and after that decided that if he was interested in talking to me he'd make the effort), I picture writing an email, or making a telephone call. I try to think about what I'd put in that email, what I'd say when he picked up the phone or listened to his voicemail. And it's always a disappointment. While I might like to think that he'd be all excited and happy to hear from me and that we'd spend an hour reconnecting, or go back to sending long, involved emails back and forth, I know that's not the case. It would be awkward, and uncomfortable, there would be a huge power imbalance, I'd be grasping for things that were Important to say so that it didn't seem like I'd just contacted him out of the blue for no reason. He'd be civil and polite, perhaps make some small talk for a few minutes or answer the inevitable "so what have you been doing?" question, and ... that would be it. It would be a useless effort that wouldn't do what I wanted it to do, namely, to change the nature of our interaction.

So my advice would be to look at what you're expecting out of the contact you want to initiate, and use past experiences with this guy to guide you as to how the conversation would go. It's quite likely that you will be able to discourage yourself just through this.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 4:56 AM on May 5

Find someone suitable and jump their bones. The pain of wondering what could have been fades before the pain of worrying about what is actually going on.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:52 PM on May 5