Please help me decide what to do. At all.

April 30, 2009 5:48 AM

Please help me develop some "stickability".

By stickability I mean "the ability to start a project and work at it until it's conclusion" and "quit starting new projects".

Since January 1st this year, I've started at least 10 new projects. They include exercising, losing weight, catching 150 Pokemon, learning to juggle with three balls, origami, getting to bed at a regular time and baking one new meal from scratch three times a week. I've started each one of these projects and enjoyed them for varying periods of time, ranging from 3 months (exercising) to 15 minutes (the time it took to learn how to fold an origami hat and cup). The problem has been going on for several years, but it's only this year that I've realised what I've been doing.

I tend to follow a specific pattern when acting this way: something new floats into my field of attention. I spot it, and something goes on in my brain, and I get very very excited about it. I do whatever it is for a while, then the switch goes off, and instantly I want nothing more to do with it. At all. Ever again. It is dead to me. In the meantime, I might have spent a lot of money/time/effort on something, that's all gone to waste. Lifting weights has no long term benefit if I don't continue to exercise the muscles. Learning to cook food doesn't benefit me if I don't actually do it any more, and just order takeaway. I don't have an infinite supply of money, and if I've spent a fortune on expensive home gym equipment, it turns into a very expensive clothes hanger. I very nearly took another job because of this behaviour, which I can see now would have been a disastrous move.

While I'm engaging in the activity, focus on it isn't a problem. All of my attention is on performing it, to the detriment of other things. I tend to blow very hot-and-cold with my friends because of this. One minute I'm all over them like a rash, the next, I never want to see them again. I don't think it's a problem with patience to learn the new skill, because I really enjoy learning these new skills. It seems to be more a matter of motivation to keep learning them. While I'm learning/doing them, I feel amazing. 100% in flow, or something, and I can't imagine doing anything else. But at some point, the candle will go out, and that's when I come back to earth, so to speak, and realise that I really don't care for this new thing any more.

I did think at one point that there was something big that I wanted to do, that all these other little things were "hiding", so I sat down and wrote a list of the things I wanted to do. I, based on past experience, probably got bored with this list before it was completely finished. I did get to about 70 things. Nothing that I wrote down really struck me as being something I'd want to spend the rest of my life doing, though. I'm aware that people change over time, and that what attracts us while we're young might not do so later on in life. I just want something that has an interest that lasts longer than a couple of weeks.

On the upside, I do have a lot of new skills. I just want to find something that I enjoy doing, in a more rational way. It seems to be quite an emotional response to the stimulus.

I guess there are two parts to my actual question. A] How can I quit engaging in this behaviour (hopefully this solution will be something quick to learn, lol) and B] is it worth looking for some kind of substitute to take it's place?

Also, am I alone in this?

posted by Solomon to grab bag (14 comments total)

You sound a lot like me. I got a lot of help from reading Barbara Sher's Refuse To Choose, which has a lot of tips for people who have many different interests approach them in a way that isn't so frustrating.

The thing is, is that this will not change this behavior, but it will help you organize your time and accept that it is not a personality defect to have varied interests.
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 6:00 AM on April 30

You don't have to "stick" to anything. That's life. You can do whatever the F you want at any given moment. Stop trying to find something you want to do for the rest of your life, and just do something that's useful right now.
posted by Theloupgarou at 6:04 AM on April 30

No, you're not alone. Has this just been in the past few years, or when you think about it, might it reach back further? If just the last few years, has anything big changed in your life?

First, browse through these other threads on focus, there are some great ideas in there.

It sounds a bit like it could be ADD if you honestly think it has been with you since childhood - depending on how much this affets your daily life (and it sounds like it might be, with the comments about friends and jobs) you may want to be evaluated.

You might also check out those threads (most of which are contained above).

I want to write more but have to run, and will be back.
posted by canine epigram at 6:07 AM on April 30

Personal accountability might be something to look into. Instead of charging headlong into the next project then dumping it shortly after, take some time to list your goals. When you know what you want to do then map out how you're going to do it, either in a diary in the form of a list or on a wall planner or similar. Find a way to chart your progress and hold yourself accountable for the things you need to achieve on a daily basis. Make sure that at the end of each day you have ticked or crossed off everything you had planned. Be hard on yourself if you fail or avoid doing something. Before you know it you will have built a routine.
posted by fire&wings at 6:23 AM on April 30

Maybe you're a fox, rather than a hedgehog? You're certainly not alone. And perhaps you need to learn to say "no" or "I'll have to think about that" more often. Maybe you need a new project limit like some people need a drink limit, but I wouldn't think you could suddenly become someone of singular focus, as it seems that's simply not how you're wired.

Is your fickleness, er, enthusiasm toward projects a problem? Or do you simply experience it as a problem? What I mean is, are there some real-world problem with juggling all these projects? Is your job or livelihood in jeopardy? Is it a perceived problem or an actual one? You mention an issue with your friends, but I don't see how that relates to project juggling per se.
posted by wheat at 6:25 AM on April 30

Some of the projects you list are not so much "finite-with-an-end" as they are things to enhance your life in an ongoing way. (Cooking meals, exercising, good bedtime, etc.) How would you work at them to their conclusion?

What are you looking to have change?
It sounds like you want to have a more even keel in your relationships with your friends, so maybe you should focus on preventing the hobby du jour from getting in the way of that.

I'm also curious why you are so negative about your list of 70+ things you want to do? That sounds like a fabulous exercise! I would take that list and post it on my bedroom wall! You don't have to do ANY of those things for the rest of your life; just think of them as things to try out.
Example: origami is fun, it can be a neat little skill, but learning a few folds doesn't mean you have to become a master or else your time's been wasted. It is OK to set that aside.

As for spending money on hobbies, consider joining a health center like a YMCA or some other place that offers a variety of classes. That way, you can try spinning for a month or two without buying a stationary bike, or you can lift weights without investment, etc.

For life goals like cooking, bedtime, exercising, try setting small, incremental, manageable goals along the interim - "This week I will cook from scratch 1 night a week and get to bed by 11 three nights a week" and then when you have success with those for a while, build to 2 cooking nights, etc.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 7:32 AM on April 30

I am exactly this way. I have found that what I really love in life is learning about different things and learning new skills. I went through an origami phase, a crochet phase, a learn-japanese phase, a rabid disney movie fan phase....I've been "obsessed" with pretty much anything you can think of. As a result, I've got a head full of trivia (still waiting for Jeopardy to call me!) and a lot of interesting stories. And I've realized that I need to give myself the freedom to dive headfirst into things. Not everything needs to be followed through. Starting projects and hobbies that you don't finish doesn't have to be a problem.
posted by d13t_p3ps1 at 8:12 AM on April 30

He Is Only The Imposter: That book looks interesting, thank you. I can definitely see myself in the Serial Specialist.

canine epigram: I never really thought about childhood before, but even back then, I could never form a lasting friendship with anyone. Partially because I got bored with people so quickly, but also because I'd want to go climbing trees in the middle of Monopoly. And when we went to climb trees, I'd be bored with that too. I seem to have mellowed over time.

fire&wings: I've tried that. I have a diary devoted to that. Guess what? I got bored with the concept, lol. I've tried several times in the past few months to stick to the diary, with a carrot approach at times, and a stick approach at others. How can I get the motivation to keep going?

wheat: The term "project" could encompass things like friendships, my job, etc. It's not just little things that I have difficulty sticking with. I got so excited about a position opening in a different company that I very nearly changed my lifestyle completely just so I could get the job. Now that I no longer want the job, I can see how it would have been quite a bad idea to take it (much worse working hours, extra commuting + parking fees, I'd be doing a job I didn't really like, etc). I've formed and lost friendships in the space of a couple of weeks. It's unsatisfying, and also a nuisance to other people when I arrange to meet for coffee and then don't turn up because I've gone off them. It's not just a matter of a "hobby". Massive life changes are also subject to the same process. I nearly got myself into several thousand pounds worth of debt because I wanted a new car. It's scary, afterwards, how much mess I nearly get myself into.

Sprout the Vulgarian: Friends are the hobby du jour. That's the problem. Jobs and major purchases are also "hobbies du jour". It's not a matter of buying a bag of flour to bake bread with (which has few consequences). It's a matter of getting a mortgage I'm not going to be able to pay and do not want.

d13t_p3ps1: How do you draw the line between being a rabid Disney movie fan, and buying every single Disney DVD ever released and getting bored with them after watching 3 movies? How do you divine what is going to be a short term infatuation, and what isn't?
posted by Solomon at 8:23 AM on April 30

If this were on affecting you on a small scale with minimal financial impact, it wouldn't be much of a problem. This is affecting (or threatening to affect) your relationships, career and life, it's time to ask for professional help, even if it is just a screening for ADD.
posted by soelo at 9:39 AM on April 30

Solomon, it does sound like some professional help might be worthwhile, if only to rule things out and get a trained objective assessment.
posted by canine epigram at 10:31 AM on April 30

You sound a lot like my husband and he has severe ADHD. I pretty much ignore him when he says he's going to take up activity X because I know he'll be done with it in three months. I'm able to rein him in on the financial aspect of it; when he was single, he'd spend a lot more money on a whim (hey, there's the truck dealer - I'll just go in for a test drive - hey, I bought a new truck!).

That said, the one interest he has stuck with over many years is kayaking, because it's never boring when you could potentially drown or get hit in the head with a rock. Maybe pick something adrenaline-intense and low cost (kayaking is stupidly expensive to get into). Rock climbing? Downhill mountain biking?
posted by desjardins at 10:43 AM on April 30

Solomon: it sounds like there's an element of impulse control here. Turning from one pursuit to another isn't that big a deal, but blowing off your friends and nearly getting into debts and other commitments, even as you realize doing such would be a problem, is a bigger thing, I think. And I'm out of my depth to advise you on that, other than to advise you to consider seeing a shrink about it. I think most people can get caught up in something of this sort from time to time (I know I can), but you describe it as a recurring pattern.
posted by wheat at 11:31 AM on April 30

Honestly, it's being broke that limits what I do. If I had more disposable income, I'd probably buy more tangible things that relate to my flavor of the week. As it is, I read as much as I can about whatever it is I'm in love with. I guess maybe giving yourself a certain sum of money a month for hobby pursuits. Get a prepaid debit card and only use that to purchase things that related to your current interest.
posted by d13t_p3ps1 at 5:30 PM on April 30

I have some of this problem, and where I do, it gets annoying, and occasionally, expensive. I find part of my problem is, I get the most pleasure from the learning and planning. Once I figure something out, I am likely to loose interest.

For myself, at age 51, it has gotten so I am reluctant to take up anything. I avoid anything that can prove a major distraction, as I am inclined to hyperfocus 17 hours a day, then burn out. Trouble is, I'm happiest when I am that interested in something.

One thing that I have learned that helps: When the activity/pursuit has the goal of producing something I want, and these things come relatively quickly. When I was doing sewing, it was nice that way. Each finished little project had the reward of a finished product. I'd probably still be spending time on that, except external influences took me off it for the past 2 years (I'm still analysing that external cause, and might seek help on that. My emotional reaction to a hassle was beyond anything reasonable).
posted by Goofyy at 1:15 AM on May 1