The Uninvited Guest
April 27, 2009 7:22 AM   Subscribe

How can I get my landlord to stop coming over unannounced?

This requires background:

My girlfriend and I moved into our apartment in August of 2007. For the first month with lived here, our landlord, who I'll call Aegea, lived below us. Aegea is a widower, Greek, and in her early 60's. She speaks pidgin english, and generally relies on her sons to do most of the communicating about things like rent and repairs.

After August she went to live in Greece for what was only supposed to be a couple of months, but ended up being about a year and a half. She returned in February of this year.

She is an incredibly sweet lady, who puts up with my stomping around and my speakers on the floor and so on. A couple times she has asked us to use the oven because she only has a small kitchenette, and in return she has given us some delicious bread and home made filodough confections. When we go away on a trip, she'll let us park our car in her driveway free of charge (there's not much room in the driveway, and we typically have to park on the street.)

Unfortunately, she has recently started to make social calls upon us, esp. on my girlfriend. Now that the weather's nice enough that the windows are open, she will go to the front porch and yell one of our names and ask us to come sit on the stoop with her (which we have done once.) It's not that I mind particularly, but with an age difference of 30 years, a pretty profound cultural difference, and a language barrier, there's not much for us to talk about, and it can get uncomfortable. Additionally, it seems like the requests are getting more frequent.

My larger concern is for my girlfriend rather than me, as she works at an elementary school, and will be home all summer, telegraphing her presence to Aegea simply by walking around the apartment. My girlfriend is an author and tries to spend the first five hours of her day writing during the summer, and having the Aegea coming by twice a day to ask her to sit on the stoop is going to make this important process difficult.

It's a delicate situation all around, as she is our landlord in an addition to being a needy neighbor. I would like to telegraph to her that we generally don't have time to bust a hang, without damaging the landlord/tenant paradigm

Is there a way we can let her down easy?
Should we just commence evasion procedures?
Should we just move?

Throwaway email: ohsnaplandlord@gmail.com
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Move.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:25 AM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


"I'm sorry Aegea, even though I'm at home right now, I'm trying to get some work done. Maybe we could sit and have some tea this weekend? Thanks!"

Or wear very thick socks.
posted by nitsuj at 7:31 AM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


Given that you seem to have set a precedent of friendlier-than-average landlord/tenant relations, my first thought would be to talk to her (and/or her son). In your shoes, I'd try to tell her that you're working from home over the summer, and that you really can't socialize during the day, even though you're home. If she visited during the day, I'd remind her that I was working and couldn't chat. I'd try to make an effort to visit her briefly in the evening once or twice a week, to show that I was happy to socialize during my non-work hours once in a while, but also to reinforce that I wasn't available during the day. I suggest that because it seems like having a nice landlord who let me park for free would be worth a few awkward intergenerational, cross-cultural stoop conversations (to me). If what you're getting (nice landlord, free parking, food) is not worth the extra effort, I'd move to someplace a little more impersonal. None of this is meant as a judgment--I don't think I'd love your living arrangement, but I just mean that if you want to let her down easy, per your first question, the above would be my suggestion.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:39 AM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


If you don't want to move, and don't mind sitting with her every once in a while, perhaps you and your girlfriend could schedule something with her, and you can use nitsuj's suggestion as well. That way, she knows you're going to spend some time together, but also knows you're not constantly available.

Also, tip for generating conversation: ask her to tell you stories about her life. "Aegea, tell me about your sons." "Tell me about when you moved here." Etc. I used to have an older neighbor whom I couldn't understand very well, and who also called on me frequently. I couldn't always understand her stories, but she clearly enjoyed telling them.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:44 AM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


say, "hi there! i'm cleaning the house/reading a good book/preparing lesson plans/studying/talking on the phone with my mom right now. if the weather's nice on sunday, let's have tea."

do this often enough, and sunday afternoons will become your regular date.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:44 AM on April 27, 2009 [3 favorites]


My parents once had a similar situation with their next door neighbors, who were recent immigrants, older, and very social (perhaps from Italy, I don't recall). Every time either of my parents went outside to enjoy their patio, the neighbor would appear and cheerfully wave them over; a polite 'no thanks' results in 'OK, I'll come over then" and they would wander around. It seemed to be a different set of cultural expectations. There was just no getting through to them that sometimes people want to lie in the sun and read a book undisturbed. Eventually they mostly stopped using the patio because they often just didn't have the energy for social interaction. And finally they moved. I'm sorry there was no helpful answer.
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:48 AM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


It sounds like this is, indeed, a cultural misunderstanding more than anything else. Frankly, I'd love to have neighbors who are friendly enough to want to sit on the front porch and have a cup of coffee. But not all the time...

Finding a way to keep that spirit of friendly neighborliness flowing without feeling personally compromised in the process would be nice. Can you suggest to her, maybe, some kind of compromise situation? Like, set up a regular time, instead of unscheduled drop-in sessions? Maybe make Tuesday at 10am your regular visit time, and make it clear that you may (and will) not be available any other time?
posted by hippybear at 7:56 AM on April 27, 2009


Just from my own experience, I don't think she's going to understand "let's meet on Sunday."
posted by jerseygirl at 8:10 AM on April 27, 2009


I always have a "deadline that I'm working incredibly hard to meet" on hand for these occasions.
posted by jander03 at 8:29 AM on April 27, 2009


Well the problem here isn't "our landlord ignores the fact that we are working and can't hang out", it's "I'm afraid to even have a conversation with my very nice landlord about what our summer schedule will be like and that we can't hang out even though we're home".

I work at home myself, and believe me I know what it's like to have to train friends and relatives that "being home" does not equal "ready to hang out". But it seems like you're selling her a bit short to not even give her the chance to become a problem before you start worrying about it.

Your girlfriend should tell her about the book she's writing, and explain that she'll be busy. Sure, maybe she'll have to answer the door a few times and say "hard at work on the book! Let's hang out this evening/tomorrow/this weekend!". If that's all it takes, count your blessings.

Of course, it may turn out that she cluelessly ignores all requests and becomes a pest, but give her a chance first.
posted by the bricabrac man at 9:01 AM on April 27, 2009


Great landlords are really rare. Luckily, I happen to have one. You have one, too, because a sweet, old lady that loves to chat and bakes you things sounds pretty great to me. Yeah, your girlfriend should establish times when she needs to work. That's a no-brainer. But I suspect if you treat this woman like a lovely grandmother and make time for her your lives will be richer for it.
posted by 6550 at 9:37 AM on April 27, 2009 [7 favorites]


You moved in to a place above your landlady, who comes from a culture where her friendly behavior would be not only quite normal, but also a compliment to your personalities. She doesn't seem to be a "user," in that she is quick to return a favor without a word - use of your oven gets you baked goodies.

In my part of the world, which is close enough to Greece for it to be the same deal, when you rent from someone, you become a de facto member of the family, regardless of the financial transaction at the heart of it all. Unless you are really scummy, that is. So she's simply doing what's natural. The appropriate way to have your own space is first to deal with her demands the culturally "right" way - this means to visit with her when you can. Did you cook something? Offer her a taste or fix her a plate. Do you have a spare moment? Take it upon yourself to go visit her even when she's not sitting outside on the porch. When she brings you baked goodies, taste them, compliment them and give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek. If you are the one to initiate these pleasantries, then so needn't feel as "obligated" to check up on you. It's a very Balkany thing to perceive someone else's distance as a fault of your own . . . so by not be as effusively open as she is, well, you're kind of asking her to try harder.

Once you've established a mutually comfortable existence, she will begin to protect your private time (for writing, or whatever) like a hawk as she understands that it is a necessity, not coldness on your part. As far as stuff to talk about, that's not the issue. Sitting silently together and enjoying a nice day is the *real* point. In Greece, you'd be shelling nuts or chopping vegetables or passing around photographs, and this sort of cozy domestic closeness is the idea. Americans always feel a need to make conversation; to Eastern Europeans this comes across as a little desperate and weird and as evidence that one is not comfortable in one's own skin.

This culture us dying, as the rest of the world becomes more like modern America, so enjoy it while you can. Years later, you will remember all this fondly and you will find that nice Greek grandmothers are a pretty rare commodity.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 10:00 AM on April 27, 2009 [45 favorites]


*aegea yells up to come out*
"Aegea! Hi! It's a beautiful day, isn't it? I'm working this morning, but I'll see you later, okay?"

That's the thing. You think you can't yell that out the window back at her. But having lived not far from her part of the world, I can tell you that that is totally okay and that she won't be offended.

When you do see her, explain that you got this great job that lets you work from home, so you're working in the mornings but don't have to go to the office. You will probably have to explain this a few times before she gets it.

If she forgets, just stick your head out the window and say, "Hey! I'm working now, I will talk to you later."

That is it. It is that simple. Don't say "sunday" just say "later". And "later" can mean 20 minutes on the porch when you get home from work. It doesn't have to mean an investment of hours. Bring her some flowers, check in and see how she is doing - just check - "i just wanted to see if you were okay" - say hello, say how are you.

otherwise, Dee Xtrovert has it.
posted by micawber at 10:25 AM on April 27, 2009 [2 favorites]


I would gladly have her as a neighbor or as my landlord!

Many cultures do treat neighbors as a part of extended family, doing so gives one a sense of belonging. More, she is old and is probably lonely. She is simply looking for some human interaction. From your post, it is clear that she has a sweet personality and not a pest or annoyance. So, I'd do what Dee Xtrovert suggests---including her as much as you can while at the same time telling her about the important things that need to be done. There is no need of any evasive actions here, really!
posted by coolnik at 10:26 AM on April 27, 2009


I don't have any experience with this situation, but maybe it would be helpful to create a schedule. Not during the day or not right now is not going to give you the freedom you need. You could say no disturbances between 9-2 (5 hours) and then follow up with a visit.
posted by Gor-ella at 10:59 AM on April 27, 2009


there's not much for us to talk about, and it can get uncomfortable

scheduling aside, maybe there is some sort of card game your landlady likes you can play when you do end up spending time together
posted by mikepop at 11:10 AM on April 27, 2009


Take the time to explain that GF is working on the computer during the day. If you or GF can get in the habit of dropping by for a 5 minute visit, after the work is done, that would be a kindness. Develop a structure for the relationship; if you're shopping, ask if she needs a few things from the store. Need something to talk about? Ask her about her youth, and where she grew up; might be pretty interesting. Ask her to teach you how to make a few Greek dishes.
posted by theora55 at 11:55 AM on April 27, 2009


You know what? Sitting on the stoop for a few minutes every day is a pretty cool thing to do when you need a break (and instead of checking for new emails). I agree with Dee X, you won't even have to talk.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 1:14 PM on April 27, 2009


Someone on Ask once opined about there being two different classifications of people; people who erred on the side of asking for things and were prepared to hear "no" were one. People who view a request as an obligation and therefor almost never ask people for things unless they were certain they'd get a yes were another. I'm horribly mangling that in my retelling, but perhaps someone could find the link.

It seems to me you have a flavor of this problem. You and your gf are viewing the request as an obligation. It's not except so far as you let it be.

If you honestly feel that the requests are too prevalent or that you're not free to turn them down - but should be - then turn them down. There's no moral hazard in refusing an inappropriate request, so if she reacts poorly to it... well, tough. And you're no worse off, certainly, than being dragooned into something you don't want to do.

If you simply cannot abide the invitation then perhaps jerseygirl is right. This is not the location for you.
posted by phearlez at 1:47 PM on April 27, 2009


Here's the (amazing) comment that phearlez was referring to.

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture....
posted by niles at 2:47 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]


"...and generally relies on her sons to do most of the communicating about things like rent and repairs."

Can you leave them a note or talk to them? "Hey, your mom is really sweet, but I'm going to busy working from home this summer. I want to make sure she knows that I won't be able to sit and chat even though I'm home, because I'll be working."

If you are okay with hanging out occasionally and need something to do, a nice puzzle might work. Lets you spend time with her when she might be feeling lonely, but doesn't require lots of talking.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:21 PM on April 27, 2009


I was in a similar situation. I learned the words in her language for 'busy', 'working' etc and I would get immediately left alone. She would come at odd intervals and ask if I wanted some coffee or snacks while I was working (and that was nice as well). Once I was done I would also hang out with her for a bit because she was entertaining and funny in her own way.

All around pleasant experience really, just depends on your attitude and how you handle people.
posted by the_ancient_mariner at 6:15 AM on April 28, 2009


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