Help! I don't want to be a real-life 40 year-old virgin!

April 24, 2009 1:20 PM

Ok, so I'm not quite at 40 year-old virgin territory, I'm only 23, but I've been struggling lately, and it's not because I can't find girls that want to have sex w/ me. More inside....

I think I am a pretty good looking guy- in shape, outgoing, nice, funny, etc, but for whatever reason, growing up, I wasn't that interested in girls. Not that I'm gay or bi at all, or that I didn't find them attractive, but I never really got that strong biological urge until I was in college. Once I was there, I had very sporadic encounters with girls, but none that really got "hot and heavy," mostly just kissing, copping a feel, etc. I never had anything close to a girlfriend.

Near the end of college last year, I started seeing this girl that almost any guy would consider to be extremely attractive. Eventually we got to the point where we wanted to have sex and....I couldn't get it up. I tried and tried that first night, but it wasn't happening. I had been drinking but I wasn't super-wasted or anything like that, I just chalked it up to nerves. A couple weeks later, we tried again, this time I was pretty drunk, and again, nothing. This particular girl ended up not being too understanding of my plight and that was pretty much where it ended.

A few months ago, I started hanging out with this new girl who I am somewhat attracted to, but not nearly as much as the previous one. We have been sleeping in the same bed almost every weekend, but still, I have not been able to get it up. It's extremely frusterating because at this point, I feel like I just need to get it over with. I don't have ED or anything like that because I can, and always have been able to masturbate. I'm thinking I might have conditioned myself to be more attracted to girls on my computer screen than ones in my bed.

I am at the end of my line. I don't know if Viagra or something would help, at least to do it the first time, but I know this is going to prevent me from ever having a successful relationship, and that just kills me. If anybody had some advice, please throw it out there, I'm willing to try about anything to make it happen at this point. Also, if there are any details that I might have left out or that would be helpful to formulate a better opinion, feel free to ask me. Thanks!

posted by mealticket to Human Relations (32 answers total)

Stop masturbating.
posted by hermitosis at 1:23 PM on April 24, 2009 [6 favorites]

Sometimes low testosterone levels can be responsible for something like this. Why not rule out physical problems by seeing a doctor?
posted by Kimberly at 1:24 PM on April 24, 2009

Stop masturbating.

Yup.
posted by setanor at 1:25 PM on April 24, 2009

I appreciate Dan Savage's advice in such situations. First off, stop masturbating. Second, become intimate a few times with the clear intention of NOT having vaginal sex, just take it slow, play around with each other with your hands or mouth. This will help you to regain your confidence in your penis' abilities. Stress can cause you to not get it up, and if you're worried and thinking about the last time it happened when you try to do it again, it just keeps compounding the problem.

If you can't get an erection while being stimulated by another person after you have stopped masturbating for at least a week, then I would probably go see a doctor just to make sure it's not a physical problem.
posted by Meagan at 1:27 PM on April 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't have ED or anything like that because I can, and always have been able to masturbate. I'm thinking I might have conditioned myself to be more attracted to girls on my computer screen than ones in my bed.

You're probably using a really tight grip and conditioning yourself to respond to that. Relax the hand.

Stop masturbating. Stop looking at porn. At least for right now, let your body relearn its responses.

The next few times you end up in bed (and let your partner know up front) just try to have a good time - actively avoid going for PiV sex. Just play around, touch each other, get comfortable. I'm sure the incredible case of nerves you got isn't helping in addition to the problem you've already god. Take the performance pressure off, and a few times of just playing around may help set things right.
posted by canine epigram at 1:28 PM on April 24, 2009

Stop masturbating.

Weird advice. I don't get this at all. You're 23, it's not as if you have a limited supply of arousal. I don't see how stopping masturbating could have any effect at all, except to make you feel extremely frustrated.

My guess would be: you're nervous. It's pretty normal. I would say, when you're with a girl, just concentrate on having a good time. There are lots of ways for both of you to have a good time without intercourse. Don't be so worried about "making it happen," life is not a teen comedy and none of your friends are going to think less of you, or even know about it.
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:31 PM on April 24, 2009 [2 favorites]

Nthing 'try not to worry about it so much.'
posted by box at 1:32 PM on April 24, 2009

A few thoughts:

Even a little bit of alcohol can effect the performance of some men.

Stopping masturbating might help.

Hopefully you haven't gotten yourself into some anxiety vicious circle thing, with the initial "less than understanding" ex setting it off. If you have, the best advice I can give is to minimize the anxiety by demystifying the experience and just not placing too much importance on sex for a while.

And while there might be physical causes to rule out, overall your sex desire sounds more mental than anything. Is it the thought of sex, or anxiety about the lack thereof, that compels you, as opposed to actual desire? If so, maybe you just have a low sex drive. Some people are just like that. We're not all made the same.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 1:32 PM on April 24, 2009

A couple weeks later, we tried again, this time I was pretty drunk, and again, nothing.

Regardless of anything else in your question, I would suggest not worrying about that in particular. Lack-of-erection-while-drunk is so common that it has its own schoolyard term: "whiskey dick".
posted by Flunkie at 1:37 PM on April 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

Weird advice. I don't get this at all. You're 23, it's not as if you have a limited supply of arousal. I don't see how stopping masturbating could have any effect at all, except to make you feel extremely frustrated.

Because he's accustomed himself to getting off a very particular way, and I'm betting it involves a much firmer grip than any female anatomy can muster. It's not an issue of arousal but of method. And calming down.
posted by canine epigram at 1:44 PM on April 24, 2009

Plus a week of no sexual release will tend to make you salute for a stiff breeze.
posted by GuyZero at 1:51 PM on April 24, 2009

He's not having trouble getting off, he's having trouble getting it up. The "grip of death" scenario doesn't really apply here. I n'th seeing a doctor, in particular you should get a referral to a doc who specializes in male sexual function. It's entirely possible that your testosterone levels are low, and that can be fixed.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 1:54 PM on April 24, 2009

In addition to what everyone is saying above, I'd make it clear to your partners that you're a virgin (embarrasing/uncomfortable as putting it out there may be) so that they'll hopefully be more accepting and understanding of your misfirings as well as your eventual incompetence in bed once you do get it up (because none of us are first-time Casanovas).

Also, as to what GuyZero and some others said, be careful of the repercussions of no release (a la 40 Days and 40 Nights). I tried to do that whole thing (in honor of the movie) and around Day 15, I had my second wet dream ever. Not to mention I also felt the edges of my sanity and restraint going.
posted by the NATURAL at 2:01 PM on April 24, 2009

i had a similar spell when i was completely overloaded in college except that i was unable to masturbate to boot. when it was possible after finals, i simply had to calm myself the expletive out for a few days. fortunately, my partner was very understanding through that time period and not anticipating the wax dart i had to deliver.
i don't know how stressed you are in your life, so your mileage may vary. still, you did mention this problem was killing you, so i suspect that there is at least some stress.

you also mention that you are not as attracted to the new partner as you would like. this might be your instincts self-sabotaging you to not do something that you want to do. if you are searching for "the one" and neither of the last two were this might be another angle to look into. in this case, you can not and should not settle for anything less than the best.
posted by the aloha at 2:01 PM on April 24, 2009

Stop looking at porn, regardless of whether you masturbate. If you really think that you've upset your attraction to normal women (which you hint at), you need to refocus it by not looking at airbrushed perfect women.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:01 PM on April 24, 2009

second the natural and being honest about your virginity. any partner worth doing anything with will understand. plus, they may even see it as a plus.
posted by the aloha at 2:03 PM on April 24, 2009

Stop looking at porn, stop drinking on nights when you think you might want to fool around.
posted by decathecting at 2:15 PM on April 24, 2009

You need to develop a relationship with someone, a real live girlfriend. You have to be upfront about the fact that you're nervous about sex and it hasn't gone well so far. If you're dating anyone worth fucking, she won't blink an eye and she'll be cool if it takes a few times before you're able to get it up.

I don't think this has much to do with masturbation -- this is about your intimacy level with another human being and how comfortable or uncomfortable you feel with her. This is also about your own hang-ups and worries and nervousness over sex. You need a supportive, kind woman who will work with you, not cut things off just because you tried a couple times and it didn't work. Also, don't drink if you think you're going to get laid.

By the by, that was a really shitty thing she did to you. She probably felt inadequate that she couldn't get you hard, but still -- really shitty.
posted by incessant at 2:18 PM on April 24, 2009

I would venture to say its performance anxiety. Kinda like if you cant urinate when there is a guy next to you in the bathroom. I second the idea of establishing increasing levels of comfort. Just work your way up to sex. Also, don't use your bed for anything other than sleep and sex/intimacy.

And if the 23 yo virgin thing bothers you, just remember there are guys out there who are older and still a virgin, who cant even fathom approaching women for the idea of a relationship. So you're still way better off than they are!
posted by SirOmega at 3:25 PM on April 24, 2009

nthing the development of a real relationship. The real problem isn't with you, I think, it's with the lingering myth that only PIV (penis-in-vagina) really counts--get it up, get it in, and get off. I swear on Little Jack and the boys that this is not true. You, and only you, get to decide when you've been devirginized--our GLBT brothers and sisters will back me up on this.

Find someone that you like. Not "that almost any guy would consider to be extremely attractive"--someone that you like, and that likes you back. Someone that enjoys giving and receiving physical affection that doesn't necessarily lead to making the beast with two backs. And--this is crucial, I think--likes to do this stone cold sober.

If/when you do get to the stage where things get friskier, find sexy things to do with her that are outside the swimsuit areas. I won't say precisely where, because it varies from person to person, but there are a surprising number of these. You are not trying to have an orgasm. You can do that on your own time. The time that you spend with her is for something else entirely. If an orgasm does arrive, it is not something that you had to throw a leash around and drag out of its hiding place. It is a friend that dropped by unexpectedly. There is no particular location or level of clothing involved, and there is no goal or deadline. Just foolin' around.

And, if this doesn't work, consider hiring a professional. Not a prostitute--for the love of "Bob", no!--but an actual, experienced, licensed sexual surrogate. You may need to travel, and it probably wouldn't be cheap, but they are trained to deal with exactly your problem.

And lay off the booze when there's lovin' to be done.
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:31 PM on April 24, 2009 [3 favorites]

Stop masturbating.

this will generally do nothing to help you. I read somewhere that sexual dysfunction in younger males is 95% psychological. Seek out a therapist in your area. Dan Savage is a funny guy, but he's an advice columnist and in no way qualified to help people with serious sexual dysfunctions.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:52 PM on April 24, 2009

I feel for you, you sound like a real sweetie and this is an awful lot of stress. Just know that most women (myself included) handle things better if they know the truth about what's going on. If you told me your situation, I'd probably recommend that we stop trying to have p-i-v sex at all for the time being, and just spend more time making out and playing around until the stress has abated a bit.

I also tend to agree with the folks above who think that this is the wrong girl, since you're only somewhat attracted to her. It's hard to invest deep troubling secrets in someone you don't feel that strongly about. Hang in there. It gets better.
posted by Maisie Jay at 4:11 PM on April 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

wait. do you want to have sex with this girl, or do you just want to have sex? those are 2 different things.

you say you're 'somewhat' attracted to the girl you've been sleeping with platonically. not that you're *really* attracted to her. you're also inexperienced, which is (pardon the expression) a fuckload of stress.

it could be that you just don't have a very strong sex drive, or that you're somewhat asexual. (which i guess could be the same thing? a question for savage love, no doubt.)

also, what's your religious background? god knows, that can screw up a person & his or her libido.
posted by msconduct at 4:46 PM on April 24, 2009

Yeah, hit that testosterone count. Do not ignore that aspect.
posted by adipocere at 5:14 PM on April 24, 2009

All the advice above about taking it easy and all that probably holds, but since no one else has mentioned it, I'll put it out there: Smoke a joint.

Viagra also works, but probably harder for you to get.

Assuming, of course, you have a prescription or recommendation in an area in which both of these drugs are legal, blah blah blah blah blah.
posted by hamsterdam at 5:57 PM on April 24, 2009

I don't get all the people saying that he shouldn't stop masturbating. Maybe it will work, and maybe it won't, but it's literally the easiest, cheapest, most immediate thing he could possibly try that might very possibly have a serious difference on how his body responds to physical contact.

Mealticket, hopefully with more experience you'll naturally be able to adjust your perception of what sex is and why it's important. Just because you find yourself in a "sexual" situation does not necessarily mean you are turned on. Sexy things may be happening, but if you are panicking or dreading or scrutinizing (or just plain drunk), then you won't feel sexy -- and your body can't be relied on to magically respond, as you know all too well. If you're wondering if your breath is bad, or trying to suck in your belly-fat, or laboring over the question of whether it's appropriate for you to try and take off her bra, or wondering whether you're EVER going to get hard, then you are not really in the moment. The beauty of good sex is that it allows us a brief escape from the prison of our own minds. Sadly, this is something that many, many people never experience.
posted by hermitosis at 7:19 PM on April 24, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also, while hamsterdam's advice might help, YMMV. For some people weed = softcore taters.
posted by hermitosis at 7:24 PM on April 24, 2009

I have a little experience with this, so let me say up front that most advice won't help. It's not that people don't mean well, but most people haven't been in this position. My experience might be different than mealticket's, but it doesn't sound like it. It was a weird mental thing where the first time I tried to have sex something interrupted us and I couldn't get it back up because I was nervous, and then I just kept remembering that instance, which kept me from getting it up again. I could get an erection during foreplay, and, because I was 17, at pretty much every other minute of every day, but I would lose it right before penetration. The humiliation one feels at this point is off the charts.

Three things:
1- It will get better. It's hard not to be impatient, but 23 is ridiculously young and this will work out.

2- Keep trying. It's not easy to do so because it's such a miserable feeling when it doesn't work out, but it won't work if you don't try. And when it does work out it's better than crack. It helps if the girl is understanding, of course. If she's not, then the pressure to perform is that much greater.

3- Get some Viagra. It does help because you can give your mind a rest from worrying during foreplay. The erection is just taken care of. Go to a urologist and he can give you free samples.

Again, all the advice about not jerking off and smoking a joint is nice and is meant to help, but the problem is deeper than that. I had people telling me to eat more carbs. Just try to be patient. Good luck!
posted by JamesWilson123 at 9:09 PM on April 24, 2009

Well, maybe you want to shift your focus a little.

If you're with this girl, and you like her, why not give your penis a rest for the time being and learn all about her body, from her feet to her earlobes. Her body is your own personal Azeroth -- there's a lot to explore there with your hands and your mouth, using the much more precise and subtle control they offer you. Get good at giving her pleasure. Show her what you like. It's supposed to be fun, not so goal-oriented as you make it out to be.

I knew a guy who was a virgin (at 25), and he would lose his erection, and was really concerned about that. I told him what you are maybe learning in this thread: You only think it's a big deal because you are new to the whole sex lark, and don't yet know that (a) losing one's erection is something every guy can expect from time to time, and (b) there is a lot of fun to be had that is in no way inferior to penis-in-vagina sex. Now I think about it, I bet it isn't a coincidence that that guy and I later had such an amazing time -- he had more time to learn how my body worked, undistracted by his own sexual response, than if his own body had cooperated from the beginning. So that worked out really well for me, and, I am sure, whatever lucky women have crossed his path since then.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:42 PM on April 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

Stop looking at porn. Actual sex, especially the first time, isn't going to be much like it and it sounds like you've given yourself unreal expectations.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:11 AM on April 25, 2009

you forgot to mention in your post whether you had talked about being a virgin with your sexual partner.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 9:24 PM on April 25, 2009

Viagra does help, stop the porn and masturbation (you can come back later when you have it all under control) and try regularly. 2 weeks is way too long time between attempts. Try the next night, the next morning, over and over. The more often you try, even if you fail, the less pressure you feel. When you start working as you want, you can convert this habit into daily sex.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 8:42 AM on May 14, 2009