My roomate is in love with the girl I'm seeing, help!

April 22, 2009 2:03 PM

My roommate is trying to get together with the girl I'm semi-secretly dating. What am I supposed to do?

So I live in a large metropolitan area that often feels like a small town due to the nature of the neighborhoods and various communities. I recently went through a breakup and was living with my girlfriend at the time. I ended up moving in with a friend who had a room available. I don't know him all that well, but he is a really good guy.

Anyway, I met a new girl through rather extraordinary circumstances that I won't get into because they aren't really relevant, but have nothing to do with my roommate. We started hanging out a lot and sleeping together a couple weeks ago. Things seem to be progressing into a relationship and I'm really into her.

Meanwhile, my roommate has known her for a number of years. After not having contact for a couple of years they just started talking again right before she and I met. Perfect. So he's really smitten with her and is really trying his hardest to get together with her. She's been clear that she's not interested but wants to be his friend. They've never been involved romantically. He knows that we've talked, but not that we've been spending lots of time together. So I feel like crap because I'm spending all this time with her, coming home early in the morning after sleeping over and trying to avoid talking to my roommate. It all seems drama filled and ridiculous.

I guess that's about it. I feel like we should probably tell him because the longer it goes on the worse it's going to be when he eventually finds out. Is there a diplomatic way to do it that won't strain our friendship or am I just screwed? Or should we just keep it on the down low and I'll move out or something? Please help!

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 answers total)

You should tell him.
posted by ob at 2:06 PM on April 22, 2009 [23 favorites]

Is there a reason to keep your relationship with this girl from the roommate? Because all signs point to tell your roommate to save him from excruciating embarrassment.

Just tell him matter of factly: "Hey, dude. I know you like Shanna (or whatever her name is), so I just want to make sure you know that she and I are dating."
posted by ocherdraco at 2:07 PM on April 22, 2009 [12 favorites]

I don't think this is something you need to move out over. Just tell him you and she have been dating for a while, and unfortunately it started right as he and her started speaking again. If you'd known he was really into her, you wouldn't have stepped on his toes like that but you didn't. And tell him you're trying your best to make her happy and that she seems so - this is what he should ultimately want for her.

The best thing to do is to definitely tell him and do it as soon as you feel you can. This is not worth you beating yourself up over/losing sleep over/stressing out about.
posted by sickinthehead at 2:07 PM on April 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

Maybe I missed something in the question, but why are you dating her secretly in the first place?

Since it's too late for that why not just fix it in one stroke? "Hey, you realize I've been going out with her for a month, right?"
posted by rokusan at 2:08 PM on April 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

It all seems drama filled and ridiculous.

That's because you're making it drama-filled and ridiculous. The antidote is honesty. "I'm sorry for not mentioning this sooner, but Jane and I have been dating for a few weeks and it's starting to get serious."
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:13 PM on April 22, 2009 [10 favorites]

Someone is going to have to tell him. Sorry.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 2:14 PM on April 22, 2009

It is drama-filled and ridiculous. But you are creating the drama by 'semi-secretly' dating someone. Is there a reason why your relationship has to be on the down-low at all? If you hadn't kept this from him from the start, you wouldn't have got into this situation. At any rate, two weeks isn't that long, either on your part or on his; if you come clean now, you can keep the damage done within some kind of limit. Try to avoid overdramatising the situation; he's only been interested in her for a couple of weeks.
posted by Acheman at 2:16 PM on April 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

You should tell him.

Ob is right, regarding roughly 99% of the relationship questions.
posted by debbie_ann at 2:17 PM on April 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

the longer you delay, the more upset he will be at you. do also tell her that you are telling him.

he will probably get over it quicker if he thinks that you have been forthright.
posted by the aloha at 2:19 PM on April 22, 2009

let me just say this...this is YOUR girl this guy is trying to talk to....now there's no need to be rude but it is ok to tell him..."roomate I am dating this girl,just wanted to let you know"....there's no need for you to feel bad about that...
posted by The1andonly at 2:27 PM on April 22, 2009

You should tell him, but you could cushion the whole "it's-been-a-secret" thing by saying you didn't tell him previously because you weren't sure how the relationship was going, and didn't want to be all premature about judging what was forming between you and Shanna. That may be the closest you can come to diplomatic, but things will probably be kinda tense anyway. Brother is gonna be saaaaaaad.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:28 PM on April 22, 2009 [6 favorites]

Ob is right, regarding roughly 99% of the relationship questions.

Yeah I didn't meant to be so terse, but there it is. When I was a kid I never understood what people meant when they said that communication is they key to a good relationship. As I got older I realized that most crapness in relationships (and by this I mean all relationships not just the sexual kind) is caused by bad communication. I mean it's also caused by people being dicks, but that aside, if you actually talk about things life gets so much easier and less full of drama bullshit. Not a huge revelation, but then I am a guy... So yeah, tell him.
posted by ob at 2:29 PM on April 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm curious - did the woman you're dating ask you to keep this secret from your house-mate? If so, there may be a heck of a lot more going on than you may know. Be sure to talk to her about your house-mate's interest and how she feels about it before proceeding.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:31 PM on April 22, 2009 [5 favorites]

Voting tell him.
posted by InsanePenguin at 2:47 PM on April 22, 2009

Yeah, sit him down and break it to him as if it hasn't happened yet. Tell him you don't want to step on his toes, but that you've been spending time with the girl and you think she likes you and you like her and you just wanted to make sure it was OK with dude if you moved forward with seeing her. Either he says yeah go ahead and acts like an adult or he freaks out about it in which case fuck him he's a selfish prick. Then break it to him slowly by bringing her around without rubbing his face in it. Definitely tell her exactly what you're doing so she doesn't give it away somehow when he invariably comes to her with some whiny comment like "So youre going to start boning my roommate huh? Ha. Ha. Well, keep it in the family. Hurr. Hurr."

I think this is better than the whole truth because my way he just has to feel outmaneuvered, not cuckolded as well (though clearly he has no reason to feel either way). If you have trouble confronting this think of how terrible it would be it he stumbled on the two of you making out in a club and threw a pitcher of natty light at you. Sack-up sailor.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:55 PM on April 22, 2009

Yeah, continuing with The Light Fantastic's idea, did Secret Girlfriend tell you that she told Roommate that she only wanted to be friends? Or did Roommate tell you that Secret Girlfriend rejected him? In the latter case, I'm not sure why he'd be continuing to go after her if she really made it that clear and he understood her meaning enough to be able to reiterate it to you.

So, if it's Secret Girlfriend insisting to you that she was straightforward with Roommate, maybe that's not true, and there might be something more going on between them.

I'm also fuzzy on your timeline. When you and Secret Girlfriend met (under these extraordinary circumstances that are not relevant but you brought it up here anyway), did you know that she and Roommate knew each other? When you started hooking up/having sex, did you know that she and Roommate knew each other? At what point did you find out that Roommate was romantically interested in Secret Girlfriend: before or after you started a sexual/romantic relationship with her?

Scenario 1: you and Secret Girlfriend, who you knew knew Roommate but who cares, it's a small world, were sleeping together, and then one day in your apartment Roommate was like, "Yeah so guess what, this girl I really like just came back into my life, her name is Secret Girlfriend and I'm gonna have a go at her." Wow, this caught you totally off guard. Would have been a good opportunity for you to have said something, although not many people would have the courage. You can still say "Hey, I completely should have said something before but I was so surprised, etc."

Scenario 2: you and Secret Girlfriend have been hooking up and she's like, "Oh Roommate is your roommate? We've known each other for years and he's tried to be more than friends but I've always said no." Whoa, you're caught of guard. You have some time to formulate what to say to Roommate, something like "OMG, I've been seeing this girl, her name is Secret Girlfriend, and we just realized that we both know you, etc."

Or Scenario 3: you and Secret Girlfriend have met, extraordinarily. You find out upon meeting that Roommate and Secret Girlfriend know each other, or Roommate tells you about Secret Girlfriend coming back into his life and how into her he is. You are into Secret Girlfriend, too, but you don't know where the relationship's going yet so you don't say anything to Roommate. Nor do you put the brakes (even temporarily) on things when a couple of days later, you and Secret Girlfriend wind up hooking up, knowing that Roommate is into her. Now you have to tell Roommate after the dastardly fact.

Maybe the "codes" between girl friends and guy friends are different, and/or I'm a super over-analyzer, gender-differences aside, but the sequence of events here would make a HUGE difference to me if I were Roommate.
posted by thebazilist at 2:57 PM on April 22, 2009

No scenario, however, absolves you of needing to tell him.
posted by thebazilist at 2:57 PM on April 22, 2009

It's better that he hear it from you or her, and the longer you wait, the more likely it will be that someone else will tell him.
posted by easy_being_green at 3:05 PM on April 22, 2009

Re Potomac Avenue's suggestion: I'd say don't ask your roommate if it's OK to move forward with the girl unless you're actually willing to stop seeing her for him. Doing otherwise would be dishonest and set you up for being the ass. Especially when he finds out that you were actually seeing her already and that you didn't just disregard his answer, but asked in bad faith.
posted by lorrer at 3:13 PM on April 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

I certainly think being forthcoming is going to make this end in a far, far better way for everyone involved than being scared/ secretive/ dramatic (you are the one being dramatic here). He'll (almost) certainly respect you more afterward if he hears it from you, and soon.
posted by PhatLobley at 3:55 PM on April 22, 2009

I think you are going to need to find another place to stay. Things could get really tense, and if you brought her around (and had sex with her in the apartment) that's kind of rubbing it in your roommate's face.
posted by marble at 4:09 PM on April 22, 2009

Do what your secret girlfriend wants. She's the one with the previous relationship.
posted by OrangeDrink at 4:31 PM on April 22, 2009

I was in an uncannily similar situation.

Well, I told the roommate, alright. Actually, we both told him together one evening. After consuming a bottle of red wine. Each. As you can imagine, it did not quite come across as intended.

He had a melodramatic streak and stomped out of the house. I ended up spending most nights at her place so as not to antagonize him any further and to get away from his evil-eye glares. In retrospect, that really accelerated my relationship with the girl. (fast forward 5 years and we're engaged). It was weeks later before I finally made up with the roommate and put it past us.

I think what I'm getting at is that you should tell him -- very gently and while sober.
posted by meta_eli at 4:31 PM on April 22, 2009

I think you are going to need to find another place to stay. Things could get really tense, and if you brought her around (and had sex with her in the apartment) that's kind of rubbing it in your roommate's face.

I don't agree with this at all, unless maybe you're in a dorm and your beds are 3 feet from each other. Tell him (as stated above, I like rokusan's rip it off quick like a band-aid statement), and if he doesn't like it, not your problem. He is your roommate, not your friend. (Not saying you can't be friends with your roommate, but I don't think the friend rule when it comes to this stuff applies here.) I'm not saying it won't be awkward, but you really don't need to be sneaking around.

The longer you wait, the worse you'll feel, and the suckier his reaction will be.
posted by AlisonM at 4:31 PM on April 22, 2009

Don't overthink this. If he hasn't told you about it and she's telling you about it, say nothing. If he's bringing it up, then tell him that you've been seeing her and you don't want him to get hurt.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:37 PM on April 22, 2009

Oh, I've been in that exact situation, I was the girl, and the guys weren't roommates but were best buds and always hung out together. The-guy-I-was-sleeping-with was too chicken to tell other-guy that we were seeing each other, so the other-guy ended up professing his love for me, and I had to be the one to tell him about me and guy-I-was-sleeping-with right then when he was already vulnerable from telling me his feelings. Ack. The other-guy stopped being friends with both of us for a good 7 months, until he met a new girl he totally fell in love with. Those 7 months SUCKED, and it probably wouldn't have been that long if we were honest with him from the beginning when I totally knew that he liked me. Oh, and other-guy is still very happy with the new girl 3.5 years later, so these things usually turn out well even if someone does have to hear the bad news at first =)

Take him out for a beer (1 or 2, not 10 or 12!) and be like, "so I never told you this, and I'm a jerk for not mentioning it sooner, but Girl and I have actually been seeing each other, and it's going pretty good and I like her. Sorry dude."

Don't ask him if he's OK with it, just tell him that this is what's going on. He'll be OK with it eventually.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 5:35 PM on April 22, 2009

Is there some reason Secret Girlfriend can't put on her big girl pants and just tell the Roommate she's not interested if she is, in fact, not interested? It feels like there's some information missing, I don't know why this should be a drama.
posted by Space Kitty at 6:52 PM on April 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

Roommate: Oh man, I have such a big crush on Secret Girlfriend.
You: Hey! That's my lady and I'll thank you not to make the googly-eyes at her.
Roommate: Oh... I didn't know you were dating.
You: That's OK, just don't let it happen again.
posted by syntheticfaith at 4:39 AM on April 23, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is there some reason Secret Girlfriend can't put on her big girl pants and just tell the Roommate she's not interested if she is, in fact, not interested?

The OP says she has told him this.

Which, I think, alleviates some of the guilt the OP should be feeling -- the roommate asked the girl already. She told him "no." If I understand the timeline, THAT happened at about the same time as the girl started seeing the OP.

I think Greg Nog's idea of why you delayed telling him was a good one, saying that you wanted to wait until you knew whether it would be a "thing" or not. I think that's a wise policy anyway, in general, whether you intended it or not (I mean, consider if you'd told him right away but then you and she decided to drop it after a week, and then it would have all been for naught).

I agree that you should tell him, but I think the fact that she already told the roommate no absolves y'all here. He's not going to be happy or comfortable, but that will probably pass. He already felt unhappy when she told him no.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:24 AM on April 23, 2009

Why would you leave out the most important part of this question, which is why you are keeping things a secret at all? The obvious answer is to tell him, but there must be some reason you haven't.
posted by chunking express at 7:15 AM on April 23, 2009