Overly-sensitive or should SO have said sorry?
April 20, 2009 10:18 AM   Subscribe

Am I being overly-sensitive regarding my boyfriend accidentally breaking my car door and not apologizing?

Yesterday my boyfriend accidentally broke the inside of my car door. (If you try to get out using the handle, it no longer releases the door. I needed to go around to let him out.) He didn't do it on purpose and I'm sure it would've happened regardless of who was using it at that time. However, I'm a little dismayed that there was no "Sorry honey" or even "Sorry that happened" (thus absolving him). There was NO mention of it at all. I didn't expect him to offer to fix it, but I would like an acknowledgment. Is his not saying anything about it strange or am I being overly-sensitive? What do I do from here?

We've been together a year and a half and have a good relationship. He does NOT apologize easily for anything!
posted by hollygirl to Human Relations (39 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
He does NOT apologize easily for anything!

If this isn't out of character for him, what's your question? You acknowledge expecting something that is unlikely to happen. I would apologize if I broke someone's car door, but I don't know either of you and how your relationship functions. Have you brought this up with him?
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:21 AM on April 20, 2009


ask him?
posted by goethean at 10:21 AM on April 20, 2009


DTMF... just kidding. :-)

Seriously, though, some people just have different apology practices. Do you think he actually feels bad about it and doesn't say it, or is he a prick who doesn't care? Big difference...

But this is really the sort of minor thing that can be resolved with a textbook "I feel X when you [don't] do Y" conversation of the sort that the psychobabble people seem to favor.
posted by paultopia at 10:21 AM on April 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


He does NOT apologize easily for anything!

So, this isn't really about the car, is it?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:21 AM on April 20, 2009 [16 favorites]


No, you are not.

My next step would be to say "When you break something you don't own, it's polite to apologise. You rude bugger."
posted by dydecker at 10:21 AM on April 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


I don't think that's strange of you at all. Gah. It seems like common courtesy in that situation to say "I'm sorry" whether it's a friend, a stranger, or your SO.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:22 AM on April 20, 2009 [2 favorites]


Why don't you just ask him why he didn't offer to apologize?
posted by maxpower at 10:22 AM on April 20, 2009


Yeah, he should have apologized just to be polite, but you're being oversensitive. You know he doesn't apologize easily, and he didn't even really do anything wrong in this case. Get over it.
posted by amro at 10:22 AM on April 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'm sure it would've happened regardless of who was using it at that time.

Did you apologize for trapping him in the car?

Only being a little facetious here. It could be that he really doesn't think there's anything to apologize for, or that maybe you should be apologizing to him for having a car in need of repairs.

That said, it would have been polite to apologize. THAT said, you've been with the guy for a year and a half in a good relationship, I think this is a pretty edge-casey situation to start feeling weird about. Is everything else okay?

So, in summary, there can be a huge vast area between "you are being overly sensitive" and "he absolutely should have apologized and it's weird that he didn't" and that space is where this particular situation lies, to me. If your underlying question is 'should I push this issue with him?" I'd say "absolutely not, unless you are looking for a fight"
posted by jessamyn at 10:22 AM on April 20, 2009 [3 favorites]


If I got into someone's car and pulled the handle in the way in which it was designed, and something broke internally, I would not feel as though it were my responsibility to apologize. I would be irritated if someone -- anyone -- got pissy at me for not saying "sorry" about something for which I bear absolutely no responsibility.

However, if I got into someone's car and pulled the handle in a way that exceeds its normal mechanical limitations -- the kind of thing some people might do when they are angry or frustrated or in a hurry -- and broke it, not only would I apologize, but I would insist on replacing it, since I would be culpable.

If your boyfriend didn't submit the handle to any undue force, technically you should be sorry that he happened to be the person using the handle when it reached the end of its service life.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 10:26 AM on April 20, 2009 [9 favorites]


Can you clarify the order of events here? Were the two of you in the car, the door broke, he looked blankly at you and you got out your side?

Was he driving it alone and got home and simply didn't say a word til you were both in in the next time?

You said he didn't acknowledge it at all, what does that mean?
posted by tristeza at 10:27 AM on April 20, 2009


Nthing all the above; more details are needed to know for sure if he should have apologized or not, but given your reaction to his lack of apology it seems to shout that there are bigger issues in play.
posted by arniec at 10:30 AM on April 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


Did he really break it? Maybe the door was already broken and the broken-ness was just manifested at that time? Who's to say that the last person before your BF wasn't actually the one that broke it? Just because it stopped working at the moment he was using it doesn't mean that he's the one that broke it. Right? Maybe as you were driving along the door mechanism got jiggled somehow by crappy potholes or crazy driving and THAT was what broke it.

Maybe he didn't apologize because he didn't realize he was the one that broke it. Apologies are nice, but don't expect them EVER from ANY ONE. That way, you'll never be disappointed.
posted by Sassyfras at 10:31 AM on April 20, 2009


Well, my Dad is one who rarely apologizes or says "I'm sorry" for anything. However, had the door broken when he used it, he would have fixed it. He would've cussed a blue streak because they haven't made decent products since the War, but he still would've either fixed it himself or had it fixed. I think that your SO not even mentioning the damage is rather thoughtless. (Even if he's uncomfortable with apologies, he could've said "Look what happened when I tried to get out of your car...")
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:34 AM on April 20, 2009


Seriously, though, some people just have different apology practices. Do you think he actually feels bad about it and doesn't say it, or is he a prick who doesn't care? Big difference...But this is really the sort of minor thing that can be resolved with a textbook "I feel X when you [don't] do Y" conversation of the sort that the psychobabble people seem to favor.

This.

I once had a week-long silence-strike against one of my old roommates for crashing my computer (she was in the habit of just turning it off rather than running the shutdown when she used it), and I gave her the silent treatment because I was pissed that she didn't apologize. But then finally, when we had a "let's talk about this, finally" conversation, we both realized that the apology all boiled down to just two different opinons about apologies and when you give them; she felt that if she apologized, she would be admitting to knowingly having done something wrong, which she didn't, so she felt it was unfair for me to expect her to assume blame for something when she just didn't know any better. Meanwhile, I thought more like you did, that even when you don't do something intentional you can still express regret.

We sorted that out pretty quickly once we got down to the bottom of "oh, is THAT what you think an apology is? Oh, now I know where you're coming from..." and that cleared the air quickly after that.

You're not overly-sensitive to reacting the way you are; apologies just mean something specific to you. But you do maybe owe him an explanation for WHY an apology means something to you, and he owes you an explanation for how his brain works when it comes to apologies, and you can better understand each others' perspectives.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:36 AM on April 20, 2009 [4 favorites]


Overly-sensitive or should SO have said sorry?

Both, actually.
posted by toomuchpete at 10:49 AM on April 20, 2009


Technically, he didn't break the car door - the car door broke. While I might apologize for being the person who last used it before it broke, it wouldn't be a serious apology, merely an acknowledgment that the other person might be upset. I'm thinking he's being a bit literal about the situation, and this would definitely NOT be the time to make an issue about his history of apologizing. He really has nothing to apologize for in this case.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:04 AM on April 20, 2009


Agreeing with the others that if you were both in the car when it broke, he's waiting for you to apologize for endangering his life with your jalopy. =p
posted by nomisxid at 11:12 AM on April 20, 2009


There is an important distinction between "He broke the door." and "The door broke while he was using it."

This. Exactly this.

He has nothing to apologize for. Your vehicle failed when he attempted to use it in a normal and customary manner. If anything, you could be apologizing to him because your car broke while he was trying to do something normal and customary like... exit.

I'm the sort of person who pretty willingly utters "Oh crap, sorry!" but I would not ever in a million years think to apologize for being inconvenienced by your car failing.
posted by majick at 11:19 AM on April 20, 2009 [2 favorites]


Did he acknowledge that you might be upset, regardless of whose "fault" it was? Sometimes people say (or expect to hear) "I'm sorry that happened", which is a completely different animal from "I'm sorry I caused this".

Is it possible that the problem really boils down to his ignoring your feelings?
posted by amtho at 11:23 AM on April 20, 2009


M.C. Lo-Carb! nailed it. I have had crappy cars, and from time to time I'd be in your position (or something similar) and I'd be the one to apologize!

This assumes of course he was using the door in a normal fashion, it broke and he had to wait for you to help him just to be released from the car. In that situation the car owner owes the inconvenienced party a quick "oh sorry about that!"

If he abused the door and was slamming the door in an improper fashion or something then the opposite would be true, but your original post implies that is not the case.
posted by Jezztek at 11:27 AM on April 20, 2009


You're being rediculous. Maybe you're looking for problems in your otherwise good relationship...?
posted by Simon Barclay at 11:41 AM on April 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


Not every sentence that contains the word "sorry" is an apology, at least in the way I like to define the term. A proper apology contains three elements: Regret, Responsibility, and Reform. I.e., "I'm sorry, it was my fault, and it won't happen again." Saying "sorry" alone expresses only regret, but not responsibility or reform. (E.g., after "Apologize to your brother for taking his toy," "I'm sorry you're such a crybaby" is not a proper apology; it expresses regret, of a sort, but neither resposibility nor reform.) However, this confusion cuts both ways, as sometimes expressing regret alone is all that is needed, rather than a full apology. (Thus, after "I'm sorry for your loss," "Why? It wasn't your fault" is inappropriate, since the first speaker was expressing regret only and not intending to apologize for the loss.)

Taking this into account, you might ask yourself whether you're looking for a full apology, or merely an expression of regret. Which is appropriate goes back to MCLC's analysis. If it should be "I'm sorry I broke your car door handle when I yanked it too hard because I was angry about something. I'll control my temper better in the future," you're right to be annoyed that it's lacking. However, if it's only an expression of regret that's appropriate, "I'm sorry the car door handle happened to break when I was using it," while it might be nice for him to offer, its absence is a minor transgression at worst and I'd just let that go. Or if it's important for you to hear it, communicate that "I'm sorry the car door handle broke" does not imply that he is responsible for breaking it.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:42 AM on April 20, 2009 [11 favorites]


I don't quite understand your question. There are two different ways to read it. Under one reading your question is, "My boyfriend very rarely ever apologizes, and I'm okay with that, but the fact that he didn't apologize in this instance is really bugging me. Am I over-reacting?"

If that is your question, then I have to say, yeah, it sounds a bit like you're over-reacting. You already knew the car was broken, he didn't intend to break it, and you're familiar with his regular unwillingness to apologize. It sounds like one of those little things that should probably be swept aside.

But there is also a different reading of your question: "My boyfriend very rarely ever apologizes, and I am not okay with it. Here is the most recent example of his lack of apology, and it is really bugging me. Am I over-reacting?"

If this is your question, then I do not think you're over-reacting. If you're concerned more about his lack of apology in general, rather than this specific instance, then it means you're upset about this aspect of his personality. It means you do not appreciate this very specific way he treats you (as well as all people, I presume). It sounds like the type of thing that cause a great amount of strife in a relationship, and you definitely should talk to him about how it makes you feel when he fails to apologize for his behavior.

Like I said, I don't know which of the two questions you mean to ask. I also don't know which way many of the previous above posters are reading your question. If you could clarify, it'd probably help us hone in on the type of answers that will be most beneficial to you.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:51 AM on April 20, 2009


He's afraid of getting in trouble. It probably stems from his childhood. He might not even be aware that this behavior is a little off. You should talk to him and he might benefit from some therapy it doesn't seem like a big deal.
posted by chairface at 11:59 AM on April 20, 2009


My boyfriend took my car to the bank a few years ago. Someone hit him. he was not at fault - the driver was so obviously at fault that he got out of the car with his wallet in his hand and was counting out the bills before my boyfriend even opened his mouth.

My boyfriend:
-- negotiated the dollar amount I requested (his estimate of what it would have cost to fix was way under)
--Got the payment from the person who hit my car
--Took the car in to get the work done
--when the repair cost slightly more than what he had gotten from the person who hit it, he made up the difference.
--oh, and he apologized, which was almost not necessary because his actions indicated that he was sorry, even though it wasn't his fault.

People are saying "you knew it was broken" but that's not what you said. You said that the handle would have probably broken at that moment if it was you or him or Barney the Dinosaur.

I agree with the poster above who says the issue is that he never apologizes, so this one is hitting you really hard. I think an apology here is polite. I don't know that he has to offer to fix it, but I mean, if he was your sweetie, wouldn't he want to try to help?
posted by micawber at 12:08 PM on April 20, 2009


People are saying "you knew it was broken"

I don't really see anyone saying that. In this case, assuming he didn't mishandle the door, he was the inconvenienced party. And quite frankly it can be embarrassing to be the one to trigger something like this.

For example, a lady friend of mine was at a social gathering at a friends house. She weighs all of 105 lbs wet. She sat down on a chair (in a completely normal fashion) and about two minutes later the chair collapses. She wasn't abusing the chair, the chair didn't appear to be unusually delicate she is one of the smallest people I know, the chair simply gave out. In this case it was really embarrassing to her even though she wasn't the problem.

In this case the host apologized to her profusely.

I think you'd have to be a jerk to think she "owed" him an apology for breaking his chair (especially if the host ended up holding her lack of apology against her). I think this situation is the same, all be it less embarrassing.

I agree with the poster above who says the issue is that he never apologizes

She said he rarely apologizes, but if this is the kind of thing she thinks he needs to apologize for then that casts things in a different color. If she expects apologies in tons of circumstances like these (when I think an apology is unwarranted, in fact the opposite) then we have no way of knowing if he really has a problem apologizing for things, or if he apologizes a reasonable amount but she has distorted expectations on what he should be apologizing for.
posted by Jezztek at 12:27 PM on April 20, 2009 [1 favorite]


Some people don't apologize for things that are accidents. My husband is one of them. I even did an AskMe about it a while ago.

You get used to it, eventually.
posted by Lucinda at 12:38 PM on April 20, 2009


I think the poster's irk about this is most likely traceable to the larger relationship issue of feeling taken for granted by one's partner. It's not about apologizing per se, it's about him being in a place where he doesn't think he has to consider her feelings any more (imo).

Me and mine went through some of that, and solved it by calling *everything* out. I thank him for doing the dishes, he apologizes for hogging the bathroom... it works amazingly well and feels good both to give and receive.
posted by Billegible at 1:11 PM on April 20, 2009


Yeah this all depends on exactly how it went down. If the handle just came off in my hand like it wasn't even attached, I would look at you and shrug. If it broke because of the force I applied, I would apologize.
posted by creasy boy at 2:28 PM on April 20, 2009


Best answer: He should've apologized! How can anyone say that YOU should be apologizing! You shouldn't blame him for the door being broken (no one is to blame here), but he should be like "oh crap, I'm so sorry, do you want me to go with you to get it looked at?" Saying sorry in this case doesn't mean that he is admitting that he did something wrong (because he didn't), it just means acknowledging the situation and just saying "that sucks that this happened, anything I can help you with?"

I didn't realize so many people only apologized if they actually did something wrong, what about just a nice polite apology because if he wasn't in the car at the moment the door wouldn't have broken? Situations happen and things might not be anyone's fault, but it's still nice to have someone be like, "oops, sorry."

What exactly did he do after the door broke? Said absolutely nothing? Said, "you deserved this, you should've fixed your door?" I don't see how anyone can just not say sorry in this case!!
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:15 PM on April 20, 2009


Maybe he didn't say sorry because he feels no regret/sorrow for your car door or its demise.

Like many others, I would have apologized, but it would have been an empty apology that was nothing more than a social grace meant to save myself from being the subject of an askmefi question. :-P

Just because you hear the words "I'm so sorry about your car door" doesn't mean they are heartfelt.
posted by ian1977 at 4:47 PM on April 20, 2009


I didn't realize so many people only apologized if they actually did something wrong, what about just a nice polite apology because if he wasn't in the car at the moment the door wouldn't have broken? Situations happen and things might not be anyone's fault, but it's still nice to have someone be like, "oops, sorry."

Sure, it would have been nice of him to acknowledge that the door broke while he was using it - but I don't think it's something that you can get angry about if he doesn't. The "sorry" is just a balm at that point, it's not really an apology, and none was owed.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 5:32 PM on April 20, 2009


Response by poster: Hi Everyone! Thanks for all of your comments. I'm new here and I really appreciate them. I didn't mean not to include all the info...I was just trying to keep it simple.

To answer your questions, we were running errands together for most of the day. The door worked fine. Btw, NOT a jalope, but a 2007 Sebring Convertible. Anyway, when we got home he went to get out probably at the same time that the lock spung up. He wasn't angry...just trying to get out. He tried the handle several times and couldn't get it to open at which point he told me that he had trouble opening it. I went around, let him out, and he literally, LITERALLY said NOTHING. Now, I realize you don't know either of us, but just for clarification, he is not a prick and I am a pretty laid back, no drama-kinda-girl....BUT we are as night as to day in terms of emotional "connectedness". (THINK: He's an engineer, IBM guy, 42 years old....me? Middle school teacher. Very patient...go with the flow, 36 years old...which is why I was wondering if I should even think twice about this whole thing.)

I never expected a major apology...I think Katiehasquestions has it perfect. You know that list about "Everything I Know I Learned in Kindergarden"? Share your toys, play with others, etc.? I too, like Katie, think at times you simply acknowledge the situation that has occurred-- even if it wasn't your fault. Even if it would've happened regardless. And that alone makes everything better in the mind of the other person. I don't blame him. I know it would've happened eventually to whomever was sitting there, it's just so strange to me to not acknowledge it.

I just thought it was so, so strange that nothing....and I do mean literally NOTHING was said about it. This site has really encouraged me to realize that you have to accept people as they are. For me, if I accidentally spill food on his carpet (which I do often!) I feel bad...I apologize. I accept that he will never be as apologetic as I am...that's fine (although this has taken some getting used to, to be honest), BUT it just seemed like a no-brainer to me to at least say SOMETHING....anything..... does that make sense?!?!? And that's what I mean by over-reacting.....not so much over-reacting, but wasn't this one of the rules we ALL learned in Kindergarden....or was he absent that day the rest of us learned these?!?! :-)

And no...I didn't / haven't said anything. I was waiting to see what you thought....

Clearly, after this event and reading your comments...not such a no-brainer after all....if you have anything else I'd love to see it!

Thanks everyone!! I appreciate your thoughts!!!
posted by hollygirl at 11:44 PM on April 20, 2009


Interesting update in that I've often enough experienced doors not opening when I or someone else pulled the handle as locks were doing their thing--from the inside or otherwise. Never crossed my mind that things might line up in a way for a split-second so that something breaks (if that's what happened; I assume some insight will come in the course of getting this fixed).

That aside, clearly an accident, not yanking too hard while angry, etc. One person's opinion, though, is that with things like that--no malicious intent, a problem borne of a quirk rather than anger or someone doing something they've been told could break something--it is basic courtesy to at least say "sorry," appropriate to offer to pay at least half.

To go a bit further and speculate, a guess that the BF makes appreciably more $$ than you do; if so, feels all the more appropriate for him to help the cause.
posted by ambient2 at 4:09 AM on April 21, 2009


Response by poster: Odinsdream--
No, he knew it was broken. It is STILL broken. Not stuck. The handle no longer engages the mechanism that allows it to open from the inside.
posted by hollygirl at 9:24 AM on April 21, 2009


To me it seems like his basic disinterest in it is the crux of your issue.

Why not bring it up now, reminding him that quite often boyfriends will offer to take a look at it or even have it repaired and that you'd find him the cat's pajamas if he did that for you?
posted by agentwills at 9:58 AM on April 21, 2009


He tried the handle several times and couldn't get it to open at which point he told me that he had trouble opening it.

It sounds like he didn't know at the moment it was broken, just that it wouldn't open from the inside. Obviously we know now that the handle is broken. Were I in his place, I would have said thanks when you opened the door, but I would have also immediately set about trying to figure out what was wrong, and ultimately apologizing if I thought I had broken it, or if I couldn't figure it out. But that's me, and I'm not him, and neither of us are you or vice versa. It's evident from this thread that many people have many different opinions and expectations when it comes to apologies, when they are necessary, just a nicety, or clearly uncalled for, etc. People are people, right?

I'm not trying to point fingers here, but from your kind of ranty(to me) update, it seems like there may be bigger issues here?
posted by owtytrof at 10:06 AM on April 21, 2009


BUT it just seemed like a no-brainer to me to at least say SOMETHING....anything..... does that make sense?!?!? And that's what I mean by over-reacting.....not so much over-reacting, but wasn't this one of the rules we ALL learned in Kindergarden....or was he absent that day the rest of us learned these?!?! :-)

Just to gently point out that implying that your SO didn't learn a rule from kindergarten is a big difference from "I'm trying to figure out if I'm being oversensitive to this situation?" Clearly you have different approaches to this situation

he went to get out probably at the same time that the lock spung up.

This is pretty much the classic "no one's fault" situation. By which I mean if you took him to small claims court for breaking your door, you'd have a hard time explaining that this was actually his fault. So, in my universe you say you're sorry when you think it will help and not necessarily because you feel that you're at fault. I would not be surprised if in his universe it's different. Since you say he's an engineer, my feeling is that he's superliteral, he knows he did not break this, he sees no reason to apologize. Unless you really think he's refusing in some sort of stalemate or bad faith standoff, then yes, you're being oversensitive because you're holding on to this small offense in a way which will likely not solve any problems.
posted by jessamyn at 10:16 AM on April 21, 2009


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