What helps after a suicide?

April 20, 2009 8:10 AM

How can I help a suicide's widow? A dear friend committed suicide yesterday. My husband and I were notified by a mutual friend because the dead man thought of my husband as a friend (one of his few, I think). His partner (they never married) is staying with some closer friends for now. My question is: What can I/we do to help her?

A tiny bit of background - he had struggled with depression for years, and the last time we saw him he'd been through another tough bout, he described it as his worst in years. Now his pain is gone, but hers remains.
We immediately offered to "do anything she may need". But I have the sense that kind of offer is too vague for this kind of situation. Should we call? Show up and say "How can we help?" She's got a small business and her partner used to help out quite a bit; I'm currently unemployed, so could possibly be of some use to her.
Any of you who have been in position (and my heart goes out to you) - what was the 'best' help you got? What isn't so useful.
Thanks so much for your help.

posted by dbmcd to health & fitness (17 comments total)

She's got a small business and her partner used to help out quite a bit; I'm currently unemployed, so could possibly be of some use to her.

That sounds like a wonderful and very practical offer, and one that would probably be most helpful if made right away so she can take some time off and cope with the first wave of grief.

One of the things about bereavement, though, is that everyone offers to help right after the loss, but three or four months later when the numbness is wearing off and you could use a casserole or someone to help with the yardwork or whatever, the "what can I do to help?" people may not be as tuned in to the bereaved partner's needs. So that's something to keep in mind over the long haul, too.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:20 AM on April 20 [11 favorites]

Stop by and bring a hot, ready-to-eat meal. In times of grief, it can be really hard even to do simple things like cook for yourself.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:23 AM on April 20 [1 favorite]

One of the things about bereavement, though, is that everyone offers to help right after the loss...

I've also read, too, that everyone offers the grieving "if there's anything I can do to help," but the grieving are in such a chaotic mental state that they simply can't think clearly enough to identify what specific thing they need help with, sometimes. So sometimes it's actually more helpful to offer to do something specific. You've identified a specific need -- offering to help with the business for a while sounds perfect.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:34 AM on April 20 [3 favorites]

A dear friend of mine was widowed before I met him, several years ago. He later told me that his most helpful friends were those who continued to treat him normally, but who were extra available--not forcing him to talk about things when he didn't want to talk, who had their door open to him anytime he just wanted to stop by and watch the game, who asked him out to a movie, who didn't stop inviting him to dinner.

The worst friends were those who were always super dramatic everytime they saw him. The thing about losing a spouse/partner is that it's in your face every moment of every day, and it is different from losing a friend, who you didn't see everyday.

Here's another one, for down the road: when she starts dating again, invite her and her date over to your house for dinner, avoid any conversation about the dead partner, and just have a nice and lovely time.

Also, cooking is always good.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:41 AM on April 20 [3 favorites]

I've never been in this exact position, but I've been in crisis and had friends in crisis.

Seconding bluedaisy in that, if you're having feelings about this, it's best to deal with them elsewhere. Even too many people coming up for big emotional hugs gets really draining for the person who's had a tragedy.

Think of specific things you can offer to do. "Can I come by one day next week and help with business things?" is a great example. Bringing meals is good--I like to take something for the freezer so they can use it at their leisure, as well as perhaps something for that day.

Small practical help: offer to come by and do housework, catch up on laundry. If you're going to visit, ask if there's anything you can pick up on your way over.

Do offer invitations for meals, movies, and so on. Sometimes it's nice to just be normal for an hour or two in a time of trouble.

It's really not helpful--I'm sure you know this but you'd be surprised how many people don't--to say things like, "It's all for the best," or "You'll find someone new," or any faux words of comfort like that.

Don't be afraid to ask if what you're offering is helpful. Don't be afraid to say, "I want to help, but I'm not sure how."

Oh, and definitely listen to Sidhedevil! Remind yourself to stay in it for the long term. Other people, friends and family, will have put this behind them while she's still dealing with it, and grieving is a long back-and-forth process. Be there a month from now, two months from now, four months from now. RIGHT NOW mark the anniversary on your calendar for next year; she'll need help then, too, and it will mean the world to her if, in early April next year, you acknowledge that and are available.
posted by not that girl at 9:10 AM on April 20

My rule of thumb in the short-term is "food, phone, and time." It's amazing how eating falls by the wayside in times of grief, and phoning just to check in helps to "move the story along," so to speak. Your offer of time and help with her business may be extremely helpful, especially if you have a sense of what she's doing and can provide suggestions of things that you could do for her: accepting mail packages, answering phones, cleaning, driving, etc. She may not always want to ask for help, so having some sense of what you can offer (and don't be afraid to offer "too much") will let her choose between options rather than her having to decide whether she wants to pull other people into her immediate world. That is, you already have good ideas on how to already be there for her.
posted by rhizome at 9:14 AM on April 20

but the grieving are in such a chaotic mental state that they simply can't think clearly enough to identify what specific thing they need help with, sometimes.

From my experience this is pretty true. I lost a family member fairly recently (though not to suicide, so I can't speak to that), and for the first week or two I just couldn't figure out what I needed. I'd want to be alone, and then fifteen minutes later I didn't want to be alone. I'd be happy and laughing and normal one minute, and then bawling the next.

I was touched by the outpouring of sympathy I received, but the one thing that genuinely helped was when my friends would go shopping or go out to lunch with me - things I enjoyed doing anyway, and that weren't directly tied to my grief or obvious attempts at "help" on their part.

Essentially, don't underestimate the value of "normal" friend activities. They help a lot.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:15 AM on April 20

One of my best friends, who has been central in my life for 25 years, killed himself last July. It was awful, and still is - so, first let me say that I feel for you. We were all in shock for several days, but then the mourning set in and I found myself experiencing some of the most intense pain as far as 3-6 months after the event.

As for your specific question: My friend's partner (also not married, but long-time relationship) was broken hearted, of course. She blamed herself and is still suffering over the unanswered questions.

Honestly, there was nothing that any of us did that "worked" to make her feel better. The fact is, this really really sucks and your friend is going to experience a ton of pain and suffering over this no matter what you do.

That being said, I think what was most helpful was probably talking. Lot's and lot's and lot's of talking. During the first 3-4 weeks after the suicide the three or four people who loved him most spent countless hours on couches until the wee hours of the night, iChatting, emailing, sending pictures back and fourth -- we combed our memories and recounted every funny thing he had ever said, looked at every picture in existence, listened to tapes of his voice, watched videos -- and we just talked and talked and talked. This was without a doubt the most helpful thing for me, and for his girlfriend and others.

So - in your situation if you really want to be helpful, I would suggest making yourself and your husband available for long hours of processing, talking, crying, laughing, and all of that. It will be painful, but at times it will also be wonderful.

Also - food, mown lawns, clean bathrooms and all of that stuff never hurt either. But it's the talking that will ultimately help you all deal with it.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's the worst way to lose someone that I've ever experienced.

Good luck.
posted by crapples at 9:17 AM on April 20

Agree with the food suggestions. Don't just bring a hot meal, though. Bring a few casseroles that she can put in her freezer so on a lonely, sad night she can just pop them into the oven and have a real meal.
posted by sickinthehead at 10:14 AM on April 20

When my mother died, my dad had the thought that while it was really kind of people to bring over food, it might also be nice to have a few gift certificates for local places that deliver. That way, there aren't any dishes to return and the food will be fresh and hot with no work for the gift's receiver.

I would also say that I was lucky enough to have a couple of friends who never stopped calling me. Even if I didn't pick up the phone, they were there with invitations and silly voicemails. A call like, "I just saw a bunch of businessmen on the street, all on their cellphones, walking in little ducky circles together" went way further than it seems possible.
posted by lauranesson at 10:22 AM on April 20

Help out with the kinds of practical things that may be hard for her to concentrate on- working at the business sounds like a great start. I agree with the meal suggestions, especially those for later on. Remember that after the initial excitement dies down any offers from you will be just as appreciated- two or three months from now she might still really appreciate the same gestures.

Really the most helpful thing is to listen; it can be repetitive and you might have to listen to a lot of rhetorical questions that you simply can't answer (and aren't expected to). When a good friend committed suicide I most appreciated having someone listen to me repeat over and over how angry I was with her for how she chose to do it; no judgements or answers, simply listening. I can't express how valuable it is to have someone validate your feelings by simply sitting and listening. You may not have experienced the same event, but you most likely can empathize with several aspects of what is going on; loss, grief, etc.

Practicalities depending on your comfort level:
- help with funeral or memorial service arrangements depending on what she has decided to do; there are always lots of phone calls and bookings with a funeral home, florist, music, transportation, food if there is any kind of gathering afterwards, collecting photos for showing at the service, information for memorial cards
- if there is any kind of cleaning or legalities necessary to be done at the home before she returns, offer to help facilitate; booking a time for cleaners or being the person who will unlock the home for them.
- for the time being she may not want to return to the home; ask if you can get clothes, etc for her

I'm terribly sorry for the loss all of you have experienced.
posted by variella at 10:47 AM on April 20

I have found that validation of any and all feelings I was having after losing someone to suicide is helpful. "I don't know exactly how you feel, but ANY feeling (or feeling nothing at all) is okay to have," was a lot more helpful to me than, "You'll be sad/angry/numb for 3 months... Christmas will be the worst... you'll feel better for a while and then it will all come back to you..." I hated having people (even well-meaning people) put my grief on a schedule.

If she mentions him (even in passing) make sure you don't gloss over it or try not to bring up the loss. Often times when I casually say something about the person I lost, I'm wanting to talk about him, and I'm testing the waters. (But again, every person is different, so just try to be aware of where she's leading things.)

Also, 2nding gift cards for food (restaurants and/or groceries).
posted by deadcrow at 10:53 AM on April 20

What a wonderful and generous people you must be!

My hubby wasn't suicide, so the situation is different - but it likewise wasn't "anticpated".

If she's like me, she'll be really confused about what to do next. Especially if her business relied on her partner's input. Stepping up to help with that is a wonderful thing to do. Making even the most minor decision can be very difficult. It may be hard for you to know where to draw the line as to how much to do - as it will likely be for her....

Being faced with going through and getting rid of things that he kept such as trade magazines, odd bits of paper with notes scribbled on them can all be difficult. It can feel like treason to get rid of these things. If she is interested in you going through these and sorting or even being there while she goes through them, that could be very comforting.

Allowing her to feel comfortable in talking about him is great. I felt so isolated in not being able to say anything about my hubby for fear of causing others pain. With a business to run, she may be so busy keeping things afloat that she doesn't have time to process the loss until everyone else has gone back to their everyday lives. That's when it can really hit home that he's not going to be there and your offer of simply going out for a cup of coffee can be really nice.
posted by mightshould at 2:17 PM on April 20

My dad died a couple of years
ago and while he was in the hospital,
we had an uncle come by and drive
us to a couple of different funeral homes
because we'd never had to deal with
such a thing before. We didn't know
how much a funeral cost. We didn't
know what was optional, what wasn't.
Practical advice, driving them around.
That's good to do.

Also, seconding the talking.
All we wanted to do was talk death.
We needed to suss it out, come to
some conclusion about it.

Maybe if you have a planner, chart out
into the future. On the first of every month,
write down that you are to call her and
ask how she is. That will be a gentle
reminder for yourself to check in, and
nice for her, to hear from you regularly.

Good luck.
posted by Sully at 5:45 PM on April 20

Never use the phrase "If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know." Life has likely become so surreal that noticing what needs to be done is elusive. Bringing food, talking, cleaning are fabulous ideas. The fact that you're asking suggests you have the initiative that this friend will be in need of. Go with your gut every step.
posted by jefficator at 6:29 PM on April 20

nthing the above--she doesn't know what she needs right now, besides to grieve. if she doesn't have much familial support, then bring some food over, stock up on paper goods so she doesn' trun out of toilet paper or whatever, get her house cleaned and laundry done, and get her bills paid, check her prescriptions if she takes any and get those refilled if they are getting low, put gas in the car, etc. make sure the trash goes out and the lawn gets mowed.

don't ask her for permission. just show up at her door with a casserole and a cake and say, "hi susan, figured you hadn't had a chance to go to the grocery store, so here are some things i picked up for you. here, i'll help you put them away." and then as you're putting away groceries, just start wiping down the sink and doing some dishes and she probably won't even notice. or if she does, say, "don't worry about it" and keep going. and if she says, "i don't need your help," say, "i know, but it makes me feel better to clean things." she may be anxious and need some directed activity, so you can engage her in this if she feels restless. give her a sponge, and both of you scrub down the bathroom or wahtever.

one thing she may feel the need to do is sleep in a different bedroom than the one she shared with her partner, so make sure it has clean sheets and comfortable bedding (don't put the master bedroom bedding on this bed--if she needs to sleep in a different bed, it needs to be different). bring some from home if necessary.

just be there for her. she'll start to pull away naturally when she's stronger.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:06 PM on April 20

Thanks to all of you for the incredibly helpful answers. I marked two as 'best', mainly because one of them spoke directly from experience, and the other had the great idea of marking a calendar. I know that support often wanes the immediacy, and that's a nice way to remind myself to reach out.
She's got a great support network around her - I called and left a message offering specific help. If she doesn't call back, fine. I'll keep checking in every week or so. I know I'll process this loss much more quickly than she will - I wasn't with her late partner every day - and there may be something I can do in the future.
Best to all of you for being incredibly helpful to me lately!
posted by dbmcd at 6:25 PM on April 21