Vow Renewal?

April 19, 2009 4:41 PM

Are vow renewals sweet and romantic, or trashy attention grabs? Also: should we do it, and how?

Almost six years ago, the week gay marriage was legalized in BC, my wife and I eloped. We were young (21 and 22), our families were not supportive of our gay relationship, we were very much in love, and we were also afraid that the right to get married would be a temporary one that we had to take advantage of IMMEDIATELY before it was revoked. We had a lovely ceremony in the city park with a marriage commissioner and half a dozen friends present, and all family members absent. In fact, we planned it for a Thursday, late morning, so that none of our family members could make it. We followed up with lunch at a local sandwich place. It was everything both of us wanted.

Fast forward, we are a little older and still very much in love, but the big difference is that both of our families are very loving and supportive. What's more, neither of my wife's siblings, and none of my (very numerous) siblings is or is intending to ever get married. Also, we're at the age now when all of our friends are getting married and, to be completely honest, I'm a little jealous of the big family parties and the recognition of our relationship.

So, I've been thinking about proposing a vow renewal ceremony. I would like to have a big ceremony in front of / with our beloved friends and family, and then I'd like to have a big party where everyone celebrates love and maybe even gets drunk. I just have this idea that vow renewal ceremonies are trashy, selfish, and silly. I am already married, so there is no legal necessity for any sort of ceremony, so, essentially, the only reason to do this is to get attention, right? I mean, I don't really think so - I think that I would want to have a vow renewal ceremony to be able to share this important thing with my family, but do others see it as just attention-whoring? Will people think it's a desperate bid to get gifts?

Also, I've been looking up vow renewal etiquette and everything says: don't have attendants, don't register for gifts, don't have bachelor/ette parties (which I don't really want, and, anyways, is a bit of a silly concept when applied to most gay relationships), keep it small and simple, don't make a big deal out of it. My problem is that part of my desire to have a vow renewal is because I didn't get any of those things the first time. I want some of my siblings to stand as my attendants, I don't think I want to be given away, but I would want my parents to be involved somehow. Why have a small, private ceremony if the point is to make up for a small, private ceremony? So, if I do decide that a vow renewal isn't trashy, would having a big 'do make it trashy?

posted by arcticwoman to human relations (34 comments total)

In a day and age where marriages often don't last beyond a few years, I think a vow renewal is a sweet thing, although people often do it at a larger milestone (not that 6 years isn't an accomplishment, but it's often conducted at 10 or 15 or 20). Some people, however, renew their vows every year in order to reaffirm their commitment and love to each other. I don't think it's trashy. What I do think might be a bit sketchy is going from the private ceremony (congrats, by the way, on being legally married, a right that should be secured for everyone) to the big shebang just because you want the big shebang.

Alternatively, you might consider renewing your vows with both families present and then have an anniversary party for everyone afterward that could replace your non-reception from the first time around. Having attendants and whatnot might be a bit over the top (maybe not, though), but having your siblings and parents read things (poems, scripture, etc.) could be a good way of involving them in the actual ceremony without going all weddingy on them. Otherwise, it's not so much a renewal of vows as much as it is a second wedding, which is something you may like to consider.

And the best way to avoid the "desperate bid to get gifts" is to put it clearly on the invite "No gifts, please" or "In lieu of gifts, please make a donation to ______ (LBGT support fund or something like that)."

I truly think that it is a sweet gesture, and it is wonderful that both of your families are loving and supportive of your marriage. Congrats, and best of luck.
posted by cachondeo45 at 4:53 PM on April 19

In your situation, I'd say go for it. I think it's only cheesy if you had all the hoopla the first time around and are just using renewing your vows as an excuse to repeat it (which, as a straight girl, the hoopla doesn't appeal to me AT ALL, either). Maybe, if it would make you feel better, call it an "anniversary party" but let people know that you'll be having a vow renewal ceremony. Throw in something about how since people couldn't be there the first time around, you would love it if they would join you this time, bla bla bla. Involve your parents/siblings as you see fit.

If you & your wife are the jokey type, maybe make up a "Wedding: take two!" invite or something. (Although maybe that seems like you guys broke up and are now getting back together...Hmm...)
posted by AlisonM at 4:54 PM on April 19

not that 6 years isn't an accomplishment

We've been together for ten, and would have married earlier if it had been legal.
posted by arcticwoman at 4:56 PM on April 19

I consider a marriage ceremony as a method to announce to all your friends and family that you are making a lifetime commitment to one person. It's also an opportunity for these people to affirm your decision of a spouse and show their support. Considering you had to leave out your family the first time, I would totally do it. If it were a member of my family, I wouldn't think it weird and would be happy to attend. Well, as long as I could get drunk at the reception that is.
posted by Foam Pants at 5:02 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]

Vow renewals are sweet. I think it sounds like a lovely celebration of your relationship, and I'm sure that your family would be grateful for the chance to attend. I agree that it's only cheesy if you had the typical big wedding the first time around and you're looking for an encore. In your case, it seems very appropriate. Go for it!
posted by Ostara at 5:07 PM on April 19

What you need to understand is that people will be really delighted to attend: to dress up, to drink too much, to express their affection and love for the two of you, to eat fancy little strawberries dipped in chocolate and cream puffs or whatever. Seriously. This is a perfectly lovely idea. Put away the inhibitions and think of it this way: you want to do something special to celebrate your commitment, and you want the people you love to be there to celebrate with you. Simple as that. Now start picking the place and your menu!

You're right: skip the gifts and all the other nonsense and just focus on the vows, the eating, the dancing.

In terms of format, I would treat it like a big wedding reception, except in the beginning have a ceremony: a bit of music, a few readings, your vows... and then the party!
posted by cymru_j at 5:07 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]

Man, I wish I could excise the phrase "attention-whoring" from the English language.

There is no lifetime limit on the amount of love and community support you're allowed to have. There is no lifetime limit on the amount of love, credit and support you're allowed to give back to your community either — and really, that's half the point of a wedding anyway, despite what the bridal industry wants you to think.

If you won't do it for yourselves, do it to thank your parents for finally coming around to support you, or to give your various and sundry great-aunts and second cousins a chance to finally meet, or to give your out-of-state friends a chance to come down and drink free beer.

Put a big honkin' "NO GIFTS" on the invitations, plan it with the level-headed lack of entitlement that you're already demonstrating in your question, and then just have the damn party. If anyone's bitter and petty enough to think you two are over quota on love and attention, they're free to stay home and be bitter and petty all on their lonesome.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:11 PM on April 19 [4 favorites]

Why don't you throw a lavish anniversary party instead? That way you'll signal it's a gift from you to your guests and don't expect anything other than their love & support in return.
posted by torquemaniac at 5:12 PM on April 19 [2 favorites]

Whatevs, my wife keeps saying we should get married again or have a renewal whatchamacallit, just for the fun of it.

You've already "broken societies rules," why start paying attention to them now? Have whatever you want and have it how you want. If anybody gives you crap, tell'em a stranger on the internet said "go to hell and no cake for you."

but do others see it as just attention-whoring?

Fuck'em.

Will people think it's a desperate bid to get gifts?

Fuck'em, but if it really bothers you, have a no gifts policy, after all, you're just looking for everyone's presence and love.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:14 PM on April 19

I think this is a good idea. But. You say you don't want to be perceived as attention-getting, and yet your reasons are:
- Siblings aren't planning on getting married.
- All your friends are getting married, and you are jealous of the big parties and recognition.
- You didn't have gifts, attendants, and a big deal made when you got married.

Those are all attention-getting reasons! :)

If it were me, I'd have an anniversary party. It's a celebration of your marriage, and you can be surrounded by friends and families. They may give you gifts! But you sidestep the issues of:
- Family hurt feelings (from being excluded the first time -- and yes, I understand why)
- The religious aspects of a wedding, since you are an atheist
- Registry and attendants and such

You can each have a speech or toast to each other, reaffirming your love for each other and kicking off the serious yet romantic party.

That's just me, though. If you are acting out of love, then whatever you choose cannot be wrong. If you are doing it for the white dress and the registry, well... maybe concentrate on the celebration of love instead of the ceremony.
posted by Houstonian at 5:27 PM on April 19

I vote sweet.

I'm a pastor who has performed them before, and they are really fun and very sweet and romantic. I did one once at an old hotel where the couple was celebrating their silver anniversary, and they played an audiotape of their vows from their wedding, and spoke their vows again. It was wonderful.

Another time, I performed a big church wedding for a couple who had a civil wedding exactly a year before. The groom/husband was from the UK, and it would have been nearly impossible for his family to come to the states on their timeline. So they made it legal at the courthouse, and then a year later, had a wedding and reception where they renewed their vows instead of giving them for the first time. I had more fun at that service than I did my own wedding.

In a day and age where so many things seem so fleeting and disposable, I'll take the making and keeping of vows wherever I can find it.
posted by 4ster at 5:36 PM on April 19

Get your party on, ladies. My wife and I eloped to San Diego last year (just in time *sigh*) and it was she and I and one of my best friends from high school who was there only because she was the one putting us up while we were in town. If you can get your families and your friends together, then etiquette be damned. I'm jealous honestly, because my wife and I have been together for several years now and we will never have that kind of acceptance.
posted by CwgrlUp at 5:45 PM on April 19

Honestly, from the front page part, I was thinking "attention whoring" but from reading your situation, I think in this case it is sweet. Do it.
posted by dame at 5:50 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]

Put me in the "tacky" camp. For the record: I'm totally in favor of gay marriage, but I dislike big splashy ceremonies. (I got married at City Hall on a Tuesday morning with one witness and no reception, and wore the best clothes I already owned. Just so's you know ...) Renewing vows seems cloying and attention-grabbing to me, like you're giving yourself a big fat gold star for not screwing up your marriage. It's great that you haven't screwed up, but take it in stride already.

How about calling it an anniversary party instead? You can throw yourself a regular ol' party without implying "I'm special!", your guests won't feel obliged to bring gifts, and your families can acknowledge your relationship in whatever ways are meaningful to them. You could even hint to them that they might want to come prepared to read an appropriate poem or something like that. Heck, you and your wife can each read a little speech yourselves but skip the formal vows: it's redundant (since you're already married) and comes across as a spotlight-on-my-special-snowflakeness.

And now that I've harshed all over your mellow, congratulations on making your marriage work for so many years, and I wish you many more years of happiness!
posted by Quietgal at 5:51 PM on April 19

Sweet and romantic, plus every time I read a story like this, I tear up (which probably puts me squarely in the "the tackier the better camp" so my judgment may not be sound). But I say go for it. Or go to Vermont and get married for real in the U.S. so we have to recognize your marriage too.
posted by nax at 5:55 PM on April 19

You bring up some good points, Houstonian, but you also misread me, and bring up some things I'm not sure the relevance of.

Yes, part of my desire to have a wedding is for the attention - as I said in the question: I want the kind of recognition of the relationship that my friends are all getting and that I wasn't able to get the first time. I don't think it's necessarily a problem to want this kind of attention - but I don't want anyone to think that this is the only reason for the celebration.

When I said that none of my siblings are getting married, I didn't mean that I wanted to one-up them. Counting step-siblings, I'm one of eight kids (my partner is one of three), and they are all either comfortable in common-law relationship, ideologically opposed to marriage, or in common-law relationships with someone who is ideologically opposed to marriage. My parents, however, are not ideologically opposed to marriage, and it's been a little painful to them that out of all of their kids, the one who got married eloped.

When you say that I sidestep the issue of hurt feelings, are you suggesting that their feelings may still be hurt, and that this would make them... not want to attend? I'm not going to apologize to anyone for their hurtful rejection of me, but now that we are all getting along I would love to thank them for their love.

Weddings only have religious aspects if the people involved are religious.

Registry and attendants: I'm still unsure about all this. I don't want anyone to feel obliged to give gifts, but I know my dad will be insulted if I flat-out forbid them. Still thinking of how to negotiate this. Minor detail, I think. As far as attendants go, while I don't want anything so formal, I do want some way to recognize the special place in my life that my brother holds, and we have friends who've been in our lives as long as we've been in each other's, and I want to show them how much we honour their friendship. I don't know how.

Hey, I didn't mean to pick one person out, but I just wanted to respond. Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies. And answers. :)
posted by arcticwoman at 5:56 PM on April 19

I vote sweet too! My little sister and I actually joke about renewing our vows as siblings. Every moment you spend together might be considered a renewal of sorts and from where I stand, any excuse to party will do. On that note, go with an open bar, champagne regularly delivered to each table, elicit toasts beforehand from your best woman or man and don't be shy about having several of them, and go with a schmaltzy DJ. Bear in mind, however, that these shindigs do not come cheap. I'm surprised that caveat hasn't yet been mentioned.

Mostly offtopic, the commitment ceremony in Testees, here for US MeFites and US proxy users, is hilarious. Sorry to people that don't use proxies or reside in the US.
posted by christhelongtimelurker at 6:05 PM on April 19

I'd definitely say "sweet" and not "attention-grabbing" in this case, because, well, attention was lacking the first time! Weddings, to my mind have two purposes: 1) a ceremony to ensure the legal benefits a committed couple is entitled to, 2) family/community recognition of a relationship. You got #1 down the first time, but it seems like the second half was lacking. Given that in a same-sex ceremony the second part is really even more important than for a traditional couple, since there can be so much opposition from the community-at-large or one's own family, having loved ones around to say they support you is not just a selfish wish for attention! You definitely deserve to have that, so why not have it in a formal setting of a vow renewal? A party is great, sure, but the ceremony is especially meaningful to those of us in same-sex relationships.

If your parents and family and friends would be up for attending a vow renewal, and you and your wife would like to do it, do! Don't worry about what other people might think: what you two and your guests will think is the main thing.

I would definitely go with attendants, since the people who stand up with you are, again, so crucial to the feeling of acceptance of a non-traditional relationship. I'd think of the whole thing, really, as a second wedding ceremony, more than just a private vow renewal. This is for your community, not just for you two, this time. A wedding is about the public declaration/celebration with those who love you.
posted by lysimache at 6:18 PM on April 19

I vote sweet and also, why can't you have gifts? Your six friends who were there the first time around can be exempt if they got you presents the first time, but other than that? (I think it would be tacky if you'd had a big wedding and were trying to have another, or if you'd gone on about how weddings are so tacky the first time and then changed your mind. That was not the situation, though!) If you listen to Miss Manners, you're not supposed to write "No Gifts" or refer to gifts or registries at all on the invitation. You're supposed to register and not tell anyone unless they ask. If someone thinks it's offensive for you to want presents, they won't ask. If they want to get you a present, they'll ask where you're registered. Simple.

If my friends who can't legally get married could do so, I'd totally attend and bring gifts!
posted by artychoke at 6:19 PM on April 19

My personal preference would be to keep the ceremony simple. Invite key supporters to stand up with you and perhaps do a reading. I would dress up but avoid anything that looks like a wedding dress (and certainly no veil).

I think the official etiquette position is that saying "NO GIFTS" on the invitation is slightly tacky (but not nearly as tacky as hinting that you do want gifts or money). I would not put anything on the invitation, if people ask, tell them that their love and support are all you want - no gifts. If they ask again, suggest they make a gift to a charity in your names.
posted by metahawk at 6:20 PM on April 19

I agree with the suggestion for an anniversary party instead.

I think vow-renewal ceremonies cheapen the meaning of the original vow. After all, when you got married you already made a promise "forever and ever" -- why does that promise need to be "renewed"?

You're already married. If you "renew" those vows, it makes it seem like those vows weren't secure enough in the first place.

But, you can always throw a party whenever you want, for whatever reason.
posted by Flying Squirrel at 6:30 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]

In my circle of friends, I count several same-sex couples who eloped or had small destination weddings, either because local laws denied them marriage equality or because family hostility made a big celebration difficult to contemplate.

When I know that friends have found joy in their lives despite bigotry that tries to smother it, I will dance in their honor and toast their love as many times as they'll invite me to do so.

Put me down for "sweet."
posted by Elsa at 7:06 PM on April 19 [1 favorite]

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with vow renewals in theory (yes, you promised each other once and for all, but it's nice to dust things off and re-read them from time to time), but depending on the couple, the intended guests, and whatever cultural context we're talking about, I think it could be taken the wrong way if you framed the event as a vow renewal ceremony after only six years of marriage (as others have mentioned--six years of marriage is awesome and impressive, but it's a rather unusual milestone to mark). However, ten years together is impressive and a standard milestone to mark with a big party. Maybe you could do a tenth anniversary party to mark your ten years together, and include the vow renewal as part of it, though not the main event.

I imagine there's a way to add some vow renewal elements to a formal anniversary party such that you cover all the bases you seem to want (involve family, celebrate your commitment, have a big party) without the things you don't want (gift-grab, attendants, etc.). In my mind it looks like this: you invite people to a fancy, formal anniversary party (this way, no one expects you to have attendants or a registry); at the event, you and your wife plan to get up and say to your guests, essentially "We want you all to know what we have felt for nearly a decade, and promised each other six years ago..." (and then either a vow renewal, or something less formal like the type of little speeches the couple sometimes make at a wedding reception); and then you all party into the wee hours.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:32 PM on April 19

I propose waiting till you have kids and then having a lovely naming ceremony and vow renewal at the same time that involves aunties, uncles and grandparents. That is, if you and your wife intend to have them. Kids, not aunties, uncles and grandparents. ;-)
posted by taff at 7:53 PM on April 19

Yes, part of my desire to have a wedding is for the attention - as I said in the question: I want the kind of recognition of the relationship that my friends are all getting and that I wasn't able to get the first time.

You see this a lot on the wedding boards, actually; not just with gay couples, you also hear it from military couples dealing with a deployment, couples dealing with a surprise pregnancy, or couples who need to get somebody on health insurance (yay America). They have to get married faster than they would like to, and then they want to plan a wedding later. The idea, detached from knowing the people involved, is a little odd. If you want to have a party to celebrate your love as it is now (look at where we've been, look at where we're going), if you want a little ceremony and little wedding dashes thrown in for good measure, that seems like a great happy excuse for a party. But if the whole thing is about making up for regrets of the past, a pageant ignoring where you've already been and your prior commitment (the whole thing above about vow renewals suggesting that the vows weren't good enough the first time), passively saying what you had before wasn't good enough and you need something more to make it more "real", that seems like an event that would be clouded in negative energy. To me, the party is secondary to your viewpoint on what the party is for.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:21 PM on April 19 [3 favorites]

If I received an invite that said something like "Your attendance is the perfect wedding gift," I don't think I would be offended. That said, I am a rather socially stupid person and all sorts of bad behavior is fine by me.
posted by Foam Pants at 8:28 PM on April 19

Given your circumstances, I vote for absolutely going for it. Make it the dream wedding ceremony you want and to hell with any gossip. If you want, say it's what you two believe to be your ten-year anniversary. If you want instead, just say "the time felt right". It's really nobody's business but your own.

I would think it's also perfectly appropriate to accept gifts from those who weren't at your earlier ceremony, but I have no idea how to say that in a way that doesn't come off bureaucratic or standoffish. Miss Manners may have addressed this question as it's her personal peeve that people go blatantly gift-begging these days. Something like "You don't need to give us a second gift" is probably OK to say.
posted by dhartung at 11:39 PM on April 19

It sounds like a great party to me, especially if your families would be touched and on board with it. Really, it sounds like they're whose opinions would matter. (And I wouldn't go with "no gifts": if people want to bring you gifts, then let them! But no registry.)

I like the "anniversary party and vow renewal ceremony" framing.
posted by leahwrenn at 4:08 AM on April 20 [1 favorite]

It sounds like your parents are a bit sad at missing out on the whole wedding hoopla thing, too - not just you (and presumably your wife). If you want a party and they would like a party, well, then, have a party. The 10-years-together angle is great (round numbers resonate with people). I also like the idea of 'simple vow ceremony' then 'big party'. I mean, most of the fun of a wedding is the reception. :) Not that you need to get all fancy, some of the best receptions I've been to have been in simple halls with simple food - its the energy of the guests that's important, not the decorations.
As for gifts - don't ask for them, don't register for them, but don't turn them down, either, if people want to give them. That, to me, is what a 'gift' is, its something a person wants to give you.
posted by sandraregina at 5:26 AM on April 20

I think you should go for it to. AS TPS said, it would be different if you felt the first ceremony was "enough" but you were rightfully concerned that you would not have the legal right to marry unless you did it right away. Anyone you invite would be aware that was one of the reasons you eloped in the first place. I vote too for a fun ceremony and reception. Too many weddings are uptight, you could really play it up and make it a wedding people talk about for years (I know of one wedding where an actor was hired instead of a celebrant and was hilarious while also being touching). We have to see pics though! Congrats on your ten years anniversary.
posted by saucysault at 7:23 AM on April 20

argh, "wasN'T enough".
posted by saucysault at 7:23 AM on April 20

Will people think it's a desperate bid to get gifts?

To my beady little eyes, this implies you secretly wouldn't mind a boatload of parcels as a bonus?

As sex experts always say: this is completely normal & absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

However, by age-old traditional, the majority of wedding gifts are at their most wonderful when they're still hidden in their pretty boxes!

I think the invitation suggestion above from Foam Pants, putting ["Your attendance is the perfect wedding gift," on the card) is spot on. It'll soothe anyone cheap enough to wonder if, as you fear, the celebration is somehow about gifts. And it'll make those who want to give feel doubly pleased with themselves.

(And you won't miss the chafing dishes and candle sticks anyway!).

Congratulations.
posted by Jody Tresidder at 7:32 AM on April 20

I think you should totally do it. In my case, we got married at City Hall in February, with just 5 guests (family) because I was pregnant and we just wanted to get the civil part done. But then we went ahead with our previously planned date of a "wedding" the following October where we invited all our extended families and friends and had what really amounted to a reception and it was wonderful. We even did a small ceremony at the beginning of the party as a sort of vow renewal, despite it having been only 8 months previously that we got married legally. That part was very important to us as even though we were already legally married, we really wanted to profess our commitment and love in front of our community. And since we didn't have to follow any sort of legal procedure, the great thing was that we could just make up our own ceremony to do this and make it our own. For the most part, our guests treated the event as the wedding that they didn't get to attend. They brought gifts, dressed up, danced, celebrated, and wished us great happiness. It was awesome and you should experience all that if it's what you want.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:58 AM on April 20

Thanks for all the feedback - you've given my wife and I a lot to talk about. I think we're going to do it, and I think we're going to go with a simple vow-renewal ceremony followed by a big anniversary party. Yay! Party! I think the next step is to ask my parents what they think of the idea. We've already been commanded by friends who weren't there the first time to do it, but if our parents aren't on board, then we'll plan things a little differently.

Again: Thank you all so much - for the pros and the cons - you all said just what we needed to hear.
posted by arcticwoman at 10:04 AM on April 20