How to visit a bar alone?

April 18, 2009 1:09 AM

How can I meet people in bars or coffeehouses? Platonic or otherwise.

Every once in a while I get bored and it would be nice to be able to go to a bar and talk to some people... but how do I do it? I haven't been to a bar on my own very many times. I did tonight and ended up just drinking my beer and then leaving. I'm quite good at meeting people in slightly more structured environments but feel somewhat at a loss here.

I'm enough of an extrovert that the idea isn't totally horrifying to me, but I'm enough of an introvert that I have to ask this question. I hope you don't think this is a dumb question.

posted by rwatson to Human Relations (25 answers total)

In a bar, bring a book. Read it. Eventually someone will ask you what you are reading. Voila-- conversation.
posted by dersins at 1:16 AM on April 18, 2009

Seriously, you have to find the right type of bar for meeting people. It can't be some generic "Irish themed" bar in a strip mall or off a highway exit. You've got to go to the established, independent places that attract regulars from your local community. And, you have to go several times before you build a relationship with regulars.

Why get to know regulars? Because they are people from the community, they know each other, have shared stories, and keep up with the latest community news.

Not saying you can't make friends at some random and completely awful generic bar, but you'll be much better rewarded if you can feel out the authentic places in your community.

It takes a lot of trial and error. Keep trying.
posted by wfrgms at 1:18 AM on April 18, 2009 [7 favorites]

In a bar, bring a book. Read it. Eventually someone will ask you what you are reading.

On this point I have to say, as someone who both reads and writes long hand in noisy bars, I have seldom had anyone worth a flip asking me what I'm doing. More often than not this type of independent behavior is either ignored or attracts the "lone wacko" sorts.

In fact, if I'm feeling antisocial and in the mood to write, I'll often go to the local bar in the hopes that I'll both be left the fuck alone and that the indecipherable noise will keep me focused.

Beware.
posted by wfrgms at 1:22 AM on April 18, 2009

You're going to need to drink more than one beer. It also helps if you find a bar with a pool table or dart board. Go and challenge the table - it doesn't matter whether you are any good or not, you will meet people this way, and the game will focus your attention enough to get over any inherent shyness that you might have. Also, no one talks to the new person while they drink their first beer. Order another, and someone will strike up a conversation.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:40 AM on April 18, 2009

I don't think you need props (i.e., books or alcohol) or even have to go to a bar to meet people or otherwise socialise.

I live in London and if there is eye contact I tend to say how you doing? to pretty much everyone I pass while walking down the streets. Horrifies Mrs Mutant (she calls me excessively social; being Dutch she's a little more reserved than an American farm boy), but we do get pulled into lots of conversations with total strangers.

I tend to greet people in restaurants, The Tube, buses, pubs, wherever. A tip from selling: introduce yourself within the first thirty seconds of meeting someone, whether a total stranger or wait staff. Then use first names during the remainder to the conservation, and use them often.

Wanna talk to someone? I'd say the opportunities are all over the place; just look around. If someone makes eye contact acknowledge them and see where it takes you. Pay attention to both verbal and non verbal responses and don't be pushy.

You'll learn pretty quickly if the person is also looking to chat.
posted by Mutant at 2:13 AM on April 18, 2009 [13 favorites]

Order at the bar. Sit or stand at the bar. All contact is made by mingling, avoid any situation where you sit alone at a table being served by a member of staff.
posted by fire&wings at 3:32 AM on April 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Consider putting an ad on Craigslist, with a title like "No-one in {city} reads {bit obscure magazine}" and that if proven wrong you owe them a coffee. Worked for me to meet interesting people in cafes.

There are endless possibilities for the {obscure} thing, which makes it a neat signaling device.
posted by willem at 4:34 AM on April 18, 2009 [4 favorites]

This seems like it would be easier in a coffee shop than in a bar. I almost never meet people when alone in bars. But I regularly meet new people in coffee shops--I had conversations with four different people in one yesterday, only one of whom I'd met before. Perhaps it's easier because the context is different: statements that sound like transparent pick-up lines in bars ("Hey, you come here a lot, and we've never talked--I'm [name]") are perfectly acceptable in coffee shops, which have less of a pick-up culture surrounding them.
posted by Prospero at 5:16 AM on April 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Find a bar that you like the vibe of. Go early, before it's busy, at some point, ask the bartender a question about the place, like what time it gets busy, how long it's been open, or ask or make a comment about the song that's playing. Have a few beers, then leave. Repeat.
Soon, the bartender will recognize you, you'll be a regular, and you will get introduced to the other regulars, or they will recognize you and just start chatting with you.
I hire my happy hour bartenders not because they are fantastic at making drinks, but because they are outgoing and make people feel more comfortable at the bar, and make them want to come back again. This is their main job.
This of course, varies by bar and by individual batender, so once you find a personable bartender, go again when they are working.
Re the book prop. If you feel more comfortable with reading material, I would skip the book and go with a newspaper instead. This gives off the vibe that you are just kicking back at the end of your day with a drink and the paper, plus it provides fodder for conversation.
posted by newpotato at 5:33 AM on April 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

introduce yourself within the first thirty seconds of meeting someone, whether a total stranger or wait staff. Then use first names during the remainder to the conservation, and use them often.

When I realize that I am dealing with someone who does this, I get away as soon as possible. YMMV.
posted by bingo at 6:14 AM on April 18, 2009 [13 favorites]

Wear your most interesting clothes - a unique hat or a distinct t-shirt, stuff like that, will generate some conversation.
posted by mannequito at 6:18 AM on April 18, 2009

OK, we're presumably similar ages (all I know is that you're a student, and I'm 22), but I'm kind of a scene whore and fairly well integrated into my town's music scene, so I'm not sure if this will work for you. I am going to ignore the fact you're a boy, if you don't mind, because this is what works for me as a girl, and hopefully others can get something useful out of it.

DRESS UNUSUALLY. I wore huge mouse ears to a Deadmau5 concert and raved-up e-tards with dilated pupils were asking me for hugs. Complete strangers. I actually had to start ignoring people in that ice-cold aloof way because I was honestly getting too much attention.

I wore kitty ears to a Diplo concert last night and people were petting them all night.

A lot of times I dress monochromatically, or in two coordinating colors. And I'm talking everything; if I'm wearing electric blue that day, I'm rocking blue glasses, a blue hoodie, blus stockings, blue legwarmers, blue shoes. It don't stop. This starts a lot of "ho ho so what's your favorite color?" conversations (ANSWER: THE RAINBOW). This is something you could totally pull off even as a fella, unless your favorite color happens to be the same as the local street gang's.

PROMOTE, PROMOTE, PROMOTE. I'm the most novice club promoter in the world; honestly, all I know is A) a lot of musicians and B) how to prep print files in Adobe Illustrator/Photoshop and C) like, one bar owner. However, I almost ALWAYS have some sort of flyer/invitation with me. It might be a xeroxed flyer with dripping eyeballs and vomit for a hardcore show in someone's basement. It might be a glossy professionally printed flyer for a gig I'm getting paid to promote. It might be hand-drawn and xeroxed invite to a theme party at my house. There's usually two events a month I help with in some capacity, whether it be throwing it myself, booking the gig, or just giving out flyers for a show I have nothing to do with because I love the bands.

Ok, so how does this help you in bars? Well, it forces you to talk to people, for one. When I've got a legit gig to promote, I get 1,000 flyers printed up, and sheesh, probably about one hundred of them get handed from me to a complete stranger at some rave/concert/bar/whatever I happen to be at.

The other thing is, inviting someone to a party is a way easier of picking people up (for friendship or whatever) than doing the traditional WHAT DO YOU DO WHAT'S YOUR PHONE NUMBER WANT TO DO SOMETHING SOMETIME WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO WHEN WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO IT bullshit. You say something like this:


"Hey, we're throwing a rave next week. If you like this DJ, you'd really like this."

"I'm having a party on Saturday. It's no thing if you can't come, but if you can, it's going to be really fun. Maybe I'll see you there, eh?"

(SMILE AT SOMEONE, CRAM FLYER IN THEIR FACE WITH NO WORDS SPOKEN, HOPE THEY DON'T THROW IT AWAY, HOPE YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM ONE ALREADY AND DRUNKENLY FORGET)

"Oh, what am I doing this weekend? I'm going to this crazy show at The Crackhouse, a million bands are playing, it should be great. Here's a flyer, it's on the intersection of Grant & Gay, maybe I'll see you there."


Well, there you go, you have a nice conclusion to your conversation there. They have an opportunity to see you again, and maybe become better friends with you, without you being all pushy and CAN WE BE BFFS FOREVER NOW PLZ.

BE A REGULAR. Oh, man, Bodega's $1 grilled cheese night. I can't go ANYWHERE in this town without some drunk girl or fruity dude being all HEY DO YOU REMEMBER ME and I get that blank frozen expression on my face and nine times out of ten I met them at Bodega, because I went there every single week for a while and still go maybe every other month.
posted by Juliet Banana at 6:51 AM on April 18, 2009 [12 favorites]

When I realize that I am dealing with someone who does this, I get away as soon as possible. YMMV.

When it sounds artificial, it is simply awful. But when someone is really good at it, to the point that it is a genuine part of how they connect with other people, it works really, really well. Using the other person's name every other word is too much, but that doesn't mean that first introducing yourself, and then making a point to use their name at least once (so you can remember it), is a bad approach at all.

To be honest, I find conversations in coffee shops really easy -- there's some trial and error involved, but I don't find it terribly hard to figure out who wants to be left alone and who is open for a chat. And not all coffee shops are equal in terms of design that facilitates talking to new people -- you want one with a dense collection of tables, rather than one where you would have to yell across the room into an isolated booth.

Bars, though, I've found quite hard. The people who always want to talk to me (and talk and talk and talk) tend to be so drunk that there's not much good conversation happening. But then when it does happen, and I connect with someone interesting who is still able to stand, it's super.
posted by Forktine at 6:58 AM on April 18, 2009

I tend to adopt Mutant's tactic from the British hiker perspective, I say hello and smile at everyone (although this might mean a disproportionate amount of my conversations start about the weather).

If a conversation starts, then all well and good, but it's more a case of being open. I've had some really good conversations in lifts (I work in a very tall building with slow lifts). Only yesterday I had a great chat with a complete stranger from Iran. Then again, people here in Texas are very friendly anyway and they could just be humouring the English guy.

If in a bar, stay long enough that you're not giving of a "one beer then I'm gone" vibe. ALl the recommendations to become a regular are good, but you have to become a regular for this to work.
posted by arcticseal at 7:36 AM on April 18, 2009

I know of two couples (one of which has been married for over 20 years) that met because one person made a comment about the book the other was reading. The married couple met in a park or on the beach, and my friend got approached in a coffee shop. I'm seconding the reading material strategy, although I think wfrgms has it right that it doesn't work so well in a bar.
posted by easy_being_green at 7:44 AM on April 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

For what it's worth, I can't stand it when somebody I just met keeps repeating my name. It's creepy and patronizing, and usually gives off a real con artist/rapist/serial killer vibe. You don't pull that kind of stuff on your friends, why are you trying to force it on me?

If you want to talk to people, make eye contact, look interested, and smile. If there's some kind of common activity to do, go do it (or set up your own). When you're confident and enjoying yourself, people naturally gravitate toward you.
posted by aquafortis at 8:02 AM on April 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is there a TV at the bar? I usually find making wisecracks at what's happening as a good way to open things up.
posted by philosophistry at 8:06 AM on April 18, 2009

Find out when there are events? Some bars have trivia nights or Rock Band parties, and some coffeehouses have art display openings or clubs that meet there.

I don't know about books being a useful tool ... I interpret someone reading a book as "I'm immersed in what I'm reading; please don't interrupt," and I feel bad about talking too loudly around that person in case it distracted.
posted by cadge at 9:06 AM on April 18, 2009

I think that simply talking to people, even if they didn't start a conversation with you, is a surefire way. Of course there's etiquette, and you don't want to come off as being creepy, but just taking that first step is the most important (and usually the most difficult).

Even if you don't hit it off right away, if you continue to go to the same bar, you'll likely bump into the person again, and over time build momentum towards whatever type of relationship you're looking for.

Like another person mentioned, sitting at or near the bar is the best place due to the foot traffic.
posted by elder18 at 11:48 AM on April 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

Get to know the bartenders. Introduce yourself and tip well. Go frequently, and they will talk to you, and introduce you to other regulars.... Oh, or find yourself a bar with a trivia night and become a regular there. You'll definitely have things to talk to the people there about. My fiance and I have actually made several good friends because of trivia night at our neighborhood bar!
posted by echo0720 at 8:14 PM on April 18, 2009

Your body language can make all the difference with this. Once I read some article about open body language and thought I'd try it out and did what the article suggested in a coffee shop and it totally worked. People started talking to me because I looked open to it. Sorry I don't remember where the article was but it said something similar to some of the things suggested here already:

make eye contact
sit in an area with lots of traffic - by the sugar / milk table
smile
sit with your body open to conversation - not facing the wall or table you're at
don't cross your arms
be sincere, emote kindness, acceptance
when you do get past the first bit of friendly chatter - be a good listener.

Be in tune with others' body language - if they don't want to talk with strangers they will be indicating that: turning back to you, no eye contact, no smile, a rushed energy about them. Don't take any of that personally because it's not at all. It has nothing to do with you.

When I do this it helps me to think of myself as some sort of social scientist - studying the populous. This gives me the distance to not take rejection personally and helps keep my confidence up to keep doing it. If that makes any sense. Ultimately - have fun!
posted by dog food sugar at 8:16 AM on April 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

To elucidate on bingo's reply:

introduce yourself within the first thirty seconds of meeting someone, whether a total stranger or wait staff. Then use first names during the remainder to the conservation, and use them often."

When I realize that I am dealing with someone who does this, I get away as soon as possible. YMMV.

All too often, this sort of person is a shyster, trying to pawn some scheme off on me. Wait until a few bits of conversation have passed, and then act like, "Oh, how foolish of me, I forgot to introduce myself!" Much less likely to seem like you're intentionally accelerating the situation; instead you'll be saying that you want it to continue.

But for getting there, I'm learning as much as you.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:32 PM on April 19, 2009

introduce yourself within the first thirty seconds of meeting someone, whether a total stranger or wait staff. Then use first names during the remainder to the conservation, and use them often.

My wife has to deal with this at her work - one alpha-type customer in particular does this incessantly (funnily, the customer pronounced my wive's unusual name wrong for several months, until her coworkers made it a point to say my wife's name aloud, so that the woman would figure it out without having to be being corrected).

Learning and remembering a name, using it when you first greet someone - great. Using it every 30 seconds under the misguided belief that this is anything but incredibly fucking annoying - not great. Basically, it is such an obvious affectation that it does exactly the opposite of what is intended - underscores that you're an egomaniac who pretends to be friends with people in order to further your own goals.
posted by Gortuk at 2:18 PM on April 19, 2009

Seconding wfrgms' comment about meeting the regulars at your local community bar. I know dozens of different kinds of people from my neighbourhood this way. Note that it might take a few visits before they start to recognise you as a familiar face, and not just some random blowin who'll never be seen again.

Pool tables, also. Probably the simplest pretext for meeting people in bars, ever. Darts would probably be similar, but it's not so common around these parts.

My local bar has all kinds of game nights, too, like crab racing, giant Connect-4 games, etc. Easy to interact over a common activity.

And if you're into sports at all, turning up in your team colours when the match is on will normally result in meeting people as well.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:21 AM on April 20, 2009

Jukebox. Tell your target that you have $2 of extra laundry money in your pocket and need help picking out some tunes. Good conversation starter, and whenever one of their songs comes on you can say it was a good choice, you liked it.
posted by Marnie at 9:22 AM on April 20, 2009