Socializing while Housebound

April 17, 2009 8:28 PM

How can I lure people to my house when I don't know them?

Recently I've gone through a difficult breakup and I've found myself more isolated than usual because of upcoming hip surgery. I need people: conversation, connection, distraction. My handful of very excellent friends in the area are quite busy (grad students, sick spouses, etc.) and while normally I'd be going out and meeting new people, I'm finding myself stuck at home. The autoimmune arthritis is worse than usual because I have to be off all medication except pain medication in preparation for surgery.

How can I meet people when I can't go out? I've thought about trying to host a games party, but for something like that you need at least a seed group that you know will show up. What are my options here? Do I have any options, or should I resign myself to reading books for the next couple of months?

My situation is further complicated by the following factors: I'm an introvert, my house is enough of a wreck to embarrass me (arthritis sucks up my energy and my housemate is totally unwilling to so much as take out the garbage), and I'm sort of broke--I'm going to be out of work for more than a month because of the surgery.

I live in Seattle and I'm in my thirties in case that has any relevance to suggestions. I have relatively normal and varied interests which I started to list here, but then it started to sound too much like a personal ad.

posted by tejolote to human relations (11 comments total)

As an introvert with a form of autoimmune arthritis who doesn't get out of the house much, I sympathize.

Let me try this from a different angle. It sounds like it might be more overwhelming to get the house into shape than it might be to duck out for a little while. You don't specify the severity of your pain/fatigue; is it at all worthwhile to consider figuring out a way to get you into enough shape to get you out of the house, for some low-impact, short-duration activity? Because, seriously, I find it much more draining to host a party here than to attend one somewhere else -- and I live an hour's drive from my friends.
posted by mcwetboy at 8:42 PM on April 17 [1 favorite]

Local meetups for board game players, or a book club? It involves leaving the house but not really doing any more physical activity that you would be if you were hosting people at your house.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:57 PM on April 17

Also, inviting people over for a movie night requires less planning and less depending on a lot of people to show up.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 9:00 PM on April 17

Ms gofargogo weighs in:
1. Price a housecleaner, they are often cheaper than you might think (she used to clean houses), especially if you are going to be laid up from surgery. And see if you can have a serious talk with your housemate about helping out even a little, or tossing down a little money to help with a housecleaner.

2. With your friends who are busy, see if some of them can come out a little, and ask them to bring someone you don't know with them, just to broaden your circle a little.

3. Do you game? Like D&D? We've recently rediscovered D&D and have found it to be surprisingly bonding among our friends. And there are people looking for games on boards like enworld.org and others.

4. What are you interested in? Are there online communities that share your interest (metafilter is awesome, but may be a little...meta...) like gaming or whatever, where you might start to find people in your area with common interests. At least getting involved in a board can be done from your recovery bed.

Good luck!
posted by gofargogo at 9:42 PM on April 17

Do you need to have them there physically or could you set up some webcam chats/meetings with friends and family?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:42 PM on April 17

I sympathize and speak from experience-- socializing at home or out is very difficult in the weeks prior to, not to mention after, major surgery. Because you can't take your normal regimen of meds to control the pain right now, I suspect going out is probably not feasible.

And unfortunately, your temporary physical limitations will likely strain new friendships. Even if you don't dwell on the subjects, pain and surgery will make new acquaintances feel awkward-- especially pain. (Prescribed, legal pain meds are a huge stigma and make some people, including those who dabble in drugs or want some of yours uncomfortable.) I've found that pain is a hard thing to disclose to any but the closest of relations.

Also consider that in three weeks' time the surgery may leave you more incapacitated than you expect, for longer than you expect. The danger is that you may end up feeling rejected and more isolated than you feel now.

I do not mean to be discouraging, because I know how you feel, but right now is probably not the best time to seek new friends.

On the bright side, this might be a good time to reconnect with old friends via Facebook or some other social networking site.
posted by vincele at 4:17 AM on April 18

Facebook, huh? How about calling them on the phone?


...schmacebook...
posted by amtho at 5:16 AM on April 18 [1 favorite]

If you had their phone numbers at your fingertips, you wouldn't need to "reconnect" with them, would you? Hence Facebook.
posted by CRM114 at 6:46 AM on April 18

It's weird to call on the phone people you haven't seen in years, like high school or elementary school friends. That's my cranky 30-something perspective.
posted by vincele at 6:54 AM on April 18 [1 favorite]

Food! The best way to "lure" people to your house is with food. If you are unable to prepare meals given your recovery needs, order food to be delivered and then just do something nice in terms of presentation (e.g. don't serve it out of the containers it's delivered in!!).

Potlucks may also help if preparing food isn't an option. To make it interesting, rather than a general "bring a dish" is to seek out recipes ahead of time and ask specific people to bring certain things.

Also ask friends if any of them is a "clean fiend" and might relish the chance to help you out in terms of cleaning. For example, the bookshelves at my house recently were in a major state of disarray and a visiting librarian friend totally jumped at the chance to reorganize all our shelves (and did a fantastic job of it, too!!)
posted by kuppajava at 9:13 AM on April 18

I second potlucks.

They're a great way to bond even with people you haven't seen in awhile.

Even cooler is to have people over to make food together. I've always found that making food with other people fosters a sense of trust and accomplishment that can really bring people together, and you can do if from the comfort of your home.
posted by elder18 at 11:53 AM on April 18 [1 favorite]