How to handle someone who is jealous and mean-spirited?
April 13, 2009 9:59 PM Subscribe
How to handle someone who is jealous and mean-spirited?
I've been fortunate in many ways. I'm an extroverted, happy person with many friends. Sometimes I encounter someone who is mean-spirited and jealous. I try to be pleasant to that person, to respect him or her, to look for the good qualities and talents that person may possess.
I do not boast, or even talk much about myself. My life, my career, my family, my talents---these things speak for themselves.
Yet sometimes people seem to show me their worst side, out of jealousy. How to handle this? Any and all suggestions are welcome! Thanks.
I've been fortunate in many ways. I'm an extroverted, happy person with many friends. Sometimes I encounter someone who is mean-spirited and jealous. I try to be pleasant to that person, to respect him or her, to look for the good qualities and talents that person may possess.
I do not boast, or even talk much about myself. My life, my career, my family, my talents---these things speak for themselves.
Yet sometimes people seem to show me their worst side, out of jealousy. How to handle this? Any and all suggestions are welcome! Thanks.
Are you sure that this is not all in your head? Most people (excluding those you call your friends) really, really don't care about you and I doubt they go out of their way to be mean to you. Chance are, their world doesn't revolve around you. Someone might just be having a bad day--why are you so quick to attribute the harshness you perceive to jealousy?
Not really an answer to your question, but I just wanted to let you know that most people don't feel the way you do, and we all have to deal with the same jerks on a daily basis. Maybe you could work on dealing with not taking things as personally?
posted by halogen at 10:15 PM on April 13, 2009
Not really an answer to your question, but I just wanted to let you know that most people don't feel the way you do, and we all have to deal with the same jerks on a daily basis. Maybe you could work on dealing with not taking things as personally?
posted by halogen at 10:15 PM on April 13, 2009
Argh, forgot to edit my post. Apologies. I promise it's not because I'm just trying to be mean to you.
posted by halogen at 10:17 PM on April 13, 2009
posted by halogen at 10:17 PM on April 13, 2009
Yeah, I'm with the poster who say that the claim that you do not boast might not be as factual as you'd like. This question could have been phrased "I sometimes meet mean-spirited people. I try to be to be pleasant, respectful, and to look for the good qualities, but it can be hard. How can I do better?" instead of "I'm lucky, have lots of friends and talents, and sometimes people are mean and jealous even though I try to be nice."
That said, you're not going to get along with everyone, even if you are the nicest, bestest, most awesome-est person in the world. It's just not going to happen. Some people you meet will just not click with you, and that's okay. You don't have to be friends with everyone - be polite, but detached. Don't engage them more than necessary.
If you are consistently coming across people who give off a vibe of negativity towards you and only you (and you're sure it's not all in your head), it may be worth talking to a few close friend you trust and asking if there's anything that you do that raises people's defenses.
posted by Phire at 10:25 PM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
That said, you're not going to get along with everyone, even if you are the nicest, bestest, most awesome-est person in the world. It's just not going to happen. Some people you meet will just not click with you, and that's okay. You don't have to be friends with everyone - be polite, but detached. Don't engage them more than necessary.
If you are consistently coming across people who give off a vibe of negativity towards you and only you (and you're sure it's not all in your head), it may be worth talking to a few close friend you trust and asking if there's anything that you do that raises people's defenses.
posted by Phire at 10:25 PM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
First of all, there's nothing wrong with talking about yourself since you're the only person with your own personal experiences and by extension, everything you say is in one way or another about you. Some people can partake of it a little excessively, even mercilessly, but for the most part, a personal anecdote or two should be welcomed into any conversation.
My life, my career, my family, my talents---these things speak for themselves.
But do they? If so, why mention them? I don't doubt that you're genuine and have a problem with genuinely mean-spirited and jealous people but if somebody dumped a trite line like that on me I would immediately engage my belittlement engines and set condescension phasers to "heavy-handed".
Yet sometimes people seem to show me their worst side, out of jealousy. How to handle this?
Echoing delmoi that it can sometimes be difficult to determine if somebody is genuinely jealous, merely lacks confidence (or has a lot of it), or any number of other issues. But experience will give you a pretty good idea of who is shy and uncomfortable (and thus more likely to stammer silly-sounding things), who is legitimately confident, and who is a profound cockjaw with a disproportionately inflated sense of self-worth. The first group of people you should treat with a degree of patience (but, like drinking, you should understand your limits), the second you might be able to learn something from (without fawning), and the third you should tell to hit the road because you're tired of listening to their shit (dumping your drink over their stupid fat head is completely optional).
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:25 PM on April 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
My life, my career, my family, my talents---these things speak for themselves.
But do they? If so, why mention them? I don't doubt that you're genuine and have a problem with genuinely mean-spirited and jealous people but if somebody dumped a trite line like that on me I would immediately engage my belittlement engines and set condescension phasers to "heavy-handed".
Yet sometimes people seem to show me their worst side, out of jealousy. How to handle this?
Echoing delmoi that it can sometimes be difficult to determine if somebody is genuinely jealous, merely lacks confidence (or has a lot of it), or any number of other issues. But experience will give you a pretty good idea of who is shy and uncomfortable (and thus more likely to stammer silly-sounding things), who is legitimately confident, and who is a profound cockjaw with a disproportionately inflated sense of self-worth. The first group of people you should treat with a degree of patience (but, like drinking, you should understand your limits), the second you might be able to learn something from (without fawning), and the third you should tell to hit the road because you're tired of listening to their shit (dumping your drink over their stupid fat head is completely optional).
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:25 PM on April 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
It may not be jealousy; they could just not like you, your personality or the way you come across.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:25 PM on April 13, 2009
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:25 PM on April 13, 2009
This question is pretty vague—you'd get better advice if you gave some specific examples of situations that you've been in where you thought someone acted poorly due to jealousy.
posted by grouse at 10:27 PM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by grouse at 10:27 PM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Seriously, some people simply can't handle seeing a happy, confident person who has his shit together. Their need to "cut everyone down to size" has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own misery and pettiness. Stop worrying about what you can't change and just keep on truckin'...
posted by aquafortis at 10:39 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by aquafortis at 10:39 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Ask others to give you advice. Soliciting a person's opinion is a form of flattery, and can quickly help equalize you in the eyes of anyone who may feel jealous.
posted by twistofrhyme at 10:44 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by twistofrhyme at 10:44 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
To be clear- since I just realized my answer was sort of ambiguous- my advice to you is to ask others for advice, in general. And try to take their advice when possible, and thank them.
Brenda, you have good taste, what colour couch would match a brown rug?
Mike, can I ask your advice? Did you notice an awkward moment with me & Risa yesterday? Because I wondered if I accidentally hurt her feelings, what should I do?
Joe, do you have a sec to listen to this thing I'm working on? I'm wondering if the pace is working.
Grace, my mother-in-law is coming into town, you always know the cool places to go, where should I take her for brunch?
It's hard for people to think you're stuck up when you're tacitly saying, "You're smarter than me at this, and I have noticed & would appreciate your expertise!"
Then always give friendly follow ups and thanks after the advice works out- "My mother-in-law LOVED that place you recommended, the French toast was insane, thank you so much! I knew you'd know where I should go!"
posted by twistofrhyme at 10:50 PM on April 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
Brenda, you have good taste, what colour couch would match a brown rug?
Mike, can I ask your advice? Did you notice an awkward moment with me & Risa yesterday? Because I wondered if I accidentally hurt her feelings, what should I do?
Joe, do you have a sec to listen to this thing I'm working on? I'm wondering if the pace is working.
Grace, my mother-in-law is coming into town, you always know the cool places to go, where should I take her for brunch?
It's hard for people to think you're stuck up when you're tacitly saying, "You're smarter than me at this, and I have noticed & would appreciate your expertise!"
Then always give friendly follow ups and thanks after the advice works out- "My mother-in-law LOVED that place you recommended, the French toast was insane, thank you so much! I knew you'd know where I should go!"
posted by twistofrhyme at 10:50 PM on April 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
I remember you from your previous question. In that thread, I'd wondered why you wanted to nitpick that poor woman's pride in her daughter. My answer was deleted as it was off-topic, but you managed to irritate me and I don't even know you.
I suspect you're not coming across as anything like humble, and moreso telling is the fact that you need to reassure yourself that the success of others is somehow lesser.
posted by Maisie Jay at 10:59 PM on April 13, 2009 [29 favorites]
I suspect you're not coming across as anything like humble, and moreso telling is the fact that you need to reassure yourself that the success of others is somehow lesser.
posted by Maisie Jay at 10:59 PM on April 13, 2009 [29 favorites]
There can be any number of reasons why people don't like other people. They could be pessimists, or introverts who are dissimilar to you and have different worldviews. True, jealousy could be one of the reasons; but when you always assume that other people are jealous and act accordingly, your superior attitude is what's going to turn those people off even more.
posted by meowzilla at 11:45 PM on April 13, 2009
posted by meowzilla at 11:45 PM on April 13, 2009
I think the best way to deal with mean-spirited jealous or otherwise troublesome people is to just let them be. Like everyone above has said, you don't know with any certainty why they are acting the way they are acting. So just let them be. Treat people how you want to be treated and leave it at that.
Any sort of manipulation, any sort of 'handling' people normally gets met with a huge backlash. Let them be them and you be you.
posted by ian1977 at 5:39 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Any sort of manipulation, any sort of 'handling' people normally gets met with a huge backlash. Let them be them and you be you.
posted by ian1977 at 5:39 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Ragtime,
The "ask the (Grinch) for advise" thing mentioned above, works well sometimes. Be careful not to condescend.
If I were you, I would re-examine the vibe I am putting out. Your post is a contradiction as it is a bit boastful on it's own. It condescends to all who do not seem to like you.
You may be mistaking disdain for jealousy.
(I mean this in the nicest, gentlest way...... but)
Get over yourself, and try to be genuinely nicer to people.
There is a Taco Bell commercial where a number "9" says "I don't have an ego, I just love how awesome I am.
Don't be like that Taco bell commercial. (smile)
Good Luck!
posted by Studiogeek at 6:19 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
The "ask the (Grinch) for advise" thing mentioned above, works well sometimes. Be careful not to condescend.
If I were you, I would re-examine the vibe I am putting out. Your post is a contradiction as it is a bit boastful on it's own. It condescends to all who do not seem to like you.
You may be mistaking disdain for jealousy.
(I mean this in the nicest, gentlest way...... but)
Get over yourself, and try to be genuinely nicer to people.
There is a Taco Bell commercial where a number "9" says "I don't have an ego, I just love how awesome I am.
Don't be like that Taco bell commercial. (smile)
Good Luck!
posted by Studiogeek at 6:19 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Having someone I barely know assume I am "jealous" of them is prone to bring out my worst side.
(Not a snark-- this really is one of the most patronizing, presumptuous, irritating assumptions you can make, and I can guarantee you are wrong 90% of the time.)
posted by availablelight at 6:23 AM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]
(Not a snark-- this really is one of the most patronizing, presumptuous, irritating assumptions you can make, and I can guarantee you are wrong 90% of the time.)
posted by availablelight at 6:23 AM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]
Best answer: You note in your post all the things (life, career, family, talents) that are going well for you... but its clear you are speaking from a life (like everyone elses) that isn't perfect. When you say you don't talk about yourself much, that also might mean you're overprotecting others from your letdowns or struggles (understandably if people seem like they would just use that information in a negative way).
Maybe you're not coming off as accessible as you might like, which prevents others from relating to you. Possibly you can work on that. What are the things you're working on, that you know don't come naturally to you or that are hard for you, who are the people you admire that have overcome difficulties you share?
More than focusing on 'the good' in people, you might be more accessible if you express to others your capacity for relating to their life or difficulty. Expressions of compassion are beautiful things. They're not universally recognized, or admired, but deep down you will feel better about yourself as a person.
If you've genuinely put yourself out there, bugs and all, and you still get a mean-spirited response, then its not worth worrying about.
posted by iiniisfree at 7:59 AM on April 14, 2009
Maybe you're not coming off as accessible as you might like, which prevents others from relating to you. Possibly you can work on that. What are the things you're working on, that you know don't come naturally to you or that are hard for you, who are the people you admire that have overcome difficulties you share?
More than focusing on 'the good' in people, you might be more accessible if you express to others your capacity for relating to their life or difficulty. Expressions of compassion are beautiful things. They're not universally recognized, or admired, but deep down you will feel better about yourself as a person.
If you've genuinely put yourself out there, bugs and all, and you still get a mean-spirited response, then its not worth worrying about.
posted by iiniisfree at 7:59 AM on April 14, 2009
>Sometimes I encounter someone who is mean-spirited and jealous.
....and? Don't we all?
I don't consider myself "fortunate in many ways" and "my life, my career, my family, and my talents" don't speak for themselves. But believe it or not, even plain ordinary little old me sometimes encounters someone who is mean-spirited. Everyone does. You are not a special snowflake. Most of the time it's because sometimes people are assholes. Maybe sometimes you're an asshole too.
The whole "they're just jealous" thing is annoying as hell though, I have to say. Assuming that someone else's bad attitude is because of jealousy is so dismissive, immature, and self-congratulatory. It's something I hear teenagers say to each other all the time to cut down anyone whose opinion differs from theirs.
a: "I love Miley Cyrus!"
b: "Ugh...I can't tolerate her...she's a crap actress and her voice makes me nuts."
a: "You're just jealous!"
b: "Um...not at all. I just don't like her."
a: "You wish you had her looks and her life!!! Anyone who hates her is just jealous!"
And so on.
posted by iconomy at 8:06 AM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]
....and? Don't we all?
I don't consider myself "fortunate in many ways" and "my life, my career, my family, and my talents" don't speak for themselves. But believe it or not, even plain ordinary little old me sometimes encounters someone who is mean-spirited. Everyone does. You are not a special snowflake. Most of the time it's because sometimes people are assholes. Maybe sometimes you're an asshole too.
The whole "they're just jealous" thing is annoying as hell though, I have to say. Assuming that someone else's bad attitude is because of jealousy is so dismissive, immature, and self-congratulatory. It's something I hear teenagers say to each other all the time to cut down anyone whose opinion differs from theirs.
a: "I love Miley Cyrus!"
b: "Ugh...I can't tolerate her...she's a crap actress and her voice makes me nuts."
a: "You're just jealous!"
b: "Um...not at all. I just don't like her."
a: "You wish you had her looks and her life!!! Anyone who hates her is just jealous!"
And so on.
posted by iconomy at 8:06 AM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]
Some people just won't like you. Some people might be having a bad day, be in a bad mood, their dog just died, their marriage just broke up. Not everything that someone else does is about you.
posted by different at 8:21 AM on April 14, 2009
posted by different at 8:21 AM on April 14, 2009
This question could be interpreted multiple ways such as: Dear ask me, my total awesomeness is causing jealousy around the office. I don't brag, but you'd have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to see my radiant awesomeness. How do I get people comfortable with my awesomeness? OR.... I try to be polite and nice to everyone but some people seem to act rudely to me in particular. How can I make interactions with them more pleasant?
Someone who's talked with you for five minutes would know which interpretation you meant.
posted by malp at 9:06 AM on April 14, 2009
Someone who's talked with you for five minutes would know which interpretation you meant.
posted by malp at 9:06 AM on April 14, 2009
Best answer: Just remind yourself that the way people act is almost always about them and almost never about you. So relieve yourself of any responsibility in their behavior, smile pleasantly, and move along.
posted by agentwills at 9:19 AM on April 14, 2009
posted by agentwills at 9:19 AM on April 14, 2009
If you think people have a right to be jealous of you there's a good chance you are subconsciously giving off some kind of superiority vibe toward them that they might find annoying. A natural defense mechanism to this - especially if you do not hold the keys to their employment or future employment - is to be a dick to you. The remedy is to be more humble and assume everyone else is just as lucky as you think you are. Someone whose life may seem pitiful to you might be ten times happier than you so don't judge.
posted by any major dude at 10:40 AM on April 14, 2009
posted by any major dude at 10:40 AM on April 14, 2009
> I do not boast, or even talk much about myself.
> My life, my career, my family, my talents---these things speak for themselves.
> Yet sometimes people seem to show me their worst side, out of jealousy.
You asked for advice sooo.... this right here makes you sound like a knob. (a) the "these things speak for themselves" is a passive-aggressive way to boast. (b) the "out of jealousy" trailer there just makes you seem cocky. How do you know people are always jealous? What if you're just ugly, or smell bad, or something. Hell, why does it even have to be about you? Maybe their grandmother just died, and you caught them at the wrong time.
I read a paragraph from you and already think you're a cock. I'd suggest you look at what you do wrong, not what others are doing wrong.
Oh, and this is the best reply. I don't mean to brag or nothing, but it kinda speaks for itself. If you don't mark this as the best answer, it's because you're jealous
posted by phrakture at 10:44 AM on April 14, 2009 [22 favorites]
> My life, my career, my family, my talents---these things speak for themselves.
> Yet sometimes people seem to show me their worst side, out of jealousy.
You asked for advice sooo.... this right here makes you sound like a knob. (a) the "these things speak for themselves" is a passive-aggressive way to boast. (b) the "out of jealousy" trailer there just makes you seem cocky. How do you know people are always jealous? What if you're just ugly, or smell bad, or something. Hell, why does it even have to be about you? Maybe their grandmother just died, and you caught them at the wrong time.
I read a paragraph from you and already think you're a cock. I'd suggest you look at what you do wrong, not what others are doing wrong.
Oh, and this is the best reply. I don't mean to brag or nothing, but it kinda speaks for itself. If you don't mark this as the best answer, it's because you're jealous
posted by phrakture at 10:44 AM on April 14, 2009 [22 favorites]
I was often told growing up that people were jealous of my Giant Brain, because I was the Smartest Kid In The Class.
What I actually was was an arrogant, completely unsocialized, reasonably bright six-year-old whose mother had never really been in contact with the real world and was attempting to pass on her own weird theories about the world. Thinking that people were jealous of me for my apparent Giant Brain didn't make me any happier, and I eventually realized that my mother was full of shit. I'm still getting my social shit together, but I did realize that there's no fucking way all these people are jealous of me and judging me-- they're either just assholes, if they're being overt about some sort of hatred, or they don't give a shit and I'm reading into it based on my mother raising me with the crazy.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 12:49 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
What I actually was was an arrogant, completely unsocialized, reasonably bright six-year-old whose mother had never really been in contact with the real world and was attempting to pass on her own weird theories about the world. Thinking that people were jealous of me for my apparent Giant Brain didn't make me any happier, and I eventually realized that my mother was full of shit. I'm still getting my social shit together, but I did realize that there's no fucking way all these people are jealous of me and judging me-- they're either just assholes, if they're being overt about some sort of hatred, or they don't give a shit and I'm reading into it based on my mother raising me with the crazy.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 12:49 PM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
Sure, there's a lot of jealousy in the world, but if people (at least adults) are truly jealous of you, you won't know about it. That's not how jealousy works, unless that person is very young or socially immature.
I think you might actually be annoying people because of your cheerful disposition. Some people think happy = fake.
If you want more people to show you their "better side" (and by the way, noting something as their "worst side" is judgmental in and of itself), maybe just ought to try and listen to them and "see where they are coming from." Sympathize with them instead of trying to put a happy face on their situation.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 4:57 PM on April 14, 2009
I think you might actually be annoying people because of your cheerful disposition. Some people think happy = fake.
If you want more people to show you their "better side" (and by the way, noting something as their "worst side" is judgmental in and of itself), maybe just ought to try and listen to them and "see where they are coming from." Sympathize with them instead of trying to put a happy face on their situation.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 4:57 PM on April 14, 2009
Best answer: A few months back, someone on here posted an answer that quoted Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. You may find them useful. Here's a shot snippet, by way of introduction:
Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible...posted by dirm at 5:04 PM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Based on your phrasing of your question here, your previous question about your friend's child, and the fact that you "bested" only the answers that stroke your ego, I suggest that you humbly consider that the negative reactions you're evidently receiving on a fairly consistent basis from other people may not be "jealousy" at all.
If you are able to do that, then therein lies the real solution. If you are unable to do that, then therein lies your real problem.
posted by scody at 10:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you are able to do that, then therein lies the real solution. If you are unable to do that, then therein lies your real problem.
posted by scody at 10:53 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the answers, although my husband, friends, and I are taken aback at some of the harshness.
There's a built-in difficulty in posing such a question.. Some of you seem to think that this jealousy is only perceived, not real, or is brought on by a "superior " attitude. I listed some general reasons why the jealousy is real, without going into details as I felt that listing specifics would indeed be unseemly and immodest.
It's truly ironic that so many of you latched onto the link about my friend's boasting about her middle-school daughters. I'll take the risk that some of you will angrily respond about "boasting", to explain that my own adult daughter is an actress, a member of SAG, and I do not exaggerate her roles. I was raised in a Scandinavian-American community where there were strong sanctions against such exaggerating and boasting--and I am still surprised when someone does that. I am also surprised that without knowing me, some of you would make the assumptions you did.
Fellow members of the hive mind, since we don't know each other, it can be difficult to assess the issues that have arisen here. Both in posing the question and supplying the answers, let us hope that tact and charity would apply.
On Wiki-how I found an article addressing the problem. Thanks to those of you who brought up some of the points listed here.
• You might be a fun, beautiful, gregarious person that people are jealous of. Too bad. Let them. You won't serve yourself any better by catering to their hate.
• When someone is envious of you, it means that you have something they want. If you want to help them and they seem nice and worth the effort, offer to tell them where you got that shirt or those shoes. Tell them how you stay positive.
• Empowering them is a good way to diffuse their jealousy, but only do this for those people you feel are worthy of your time and energy. Ignore the others.
• Their jealousy is a mask for insecurity. Once you recognize there's nothing behind the veneer, you'll be fine.
• You have the right as a person to be in stable healthy relationships. Choose to do so.
• People who get jealous of you sometimes wish they could be as outgoing, good-looking, etc as you but they end up comparing themselves and they end up idolizing you or hating you, maybe both. If you ever get to talk to the person, see what makes them unique and compliment on that, let them enjoy their own uniqueness if it takes the focus off of what makes them jealous of you, or tell them a quality you like in them that you wish you had, so they realize that you're not perfect like they make you out to be. Sometimes you can be a mentor or a friend if that's what they're looking for, or sometimes you just have to keep a safe distance if they have a sick kind of jealousy that would put you in danger. Just be kind but cautious.
posted by ragtimepiano at 12:21 AM on April 15, 2009
There's a built-in difficulty in posing such a question.. Some of you seem to think that this jealousy is only perceived, not real, or is brought on by a "superior " attitude. I listed some general reasons why the jealousy is real, without going into details as I felt that listing specifics would indeed be unseemly and immodest.
It's truly ironic that so many of you latched onto the link about my friend's boasting about her middle-school daughters. I'll take the risk that some of you will angrily respond about "boasting", to explain that my own adult daughter is an actress, a member of SAG, and I do not exaggerate her roles. I was raised in a Scandinavian-American community where there were strong sanctions against such exaggerating and boasting--and I am still surprised when someone does that. I am also surprised that without knowing me, some of you would make the assumptions you did.
Fellow members of the hive mind, since we don't know each other, it can be difficult to assess the issues that have arisen here. Both in posing the question and supplying the answers, let us hope that tact and charity would apply.
On Wiki-how I found an article addressing the problem. Thanks to those of you who brought up some of the points listed here.
• You might be a fun, beautiful, gregarious person that people are jealous of. Too bad. Let them. You won't serve yourself any better by catering to their hate.
• When someone is envious of you, it means that you have something they want. If you want to help them and they seem nice and worth the effort, offer to tell them where you got that shirt or those shoes. Tell them how you stay positive.
• Empowering them is a good way to diffuse their jealousy, but only do this for those people you feel are worthy of your time and energy. Ignore the others.
• Their jealousy is a mask for insecurity. Once you recognize there's nothing behind the veneer, you'll be fine.
• You have the right as a person to be in stable healthy relationships. Choose to do so.
• People who get jealous of you sometimes wish they could be as outgoing, good-looking, etc as you but they end up comparing themselves and they end up idolizing you or hating you, maybe both. If you ever get to talk to the person, see what makes them unique and compliment on that, let them enjoy their own uniqueness if it takes the focus off of what makes them jealous of you, or tell them a quality you like in them that you wish you had, so they realize that you're not perfect like they make you out to be. Sometimes you can be a mentor or a friend if that's what they're looking for, or sometimes you just have to keep a safe distance if they have a sick kind of jealousy that would put you in danger. Just be kind but cautious.
posted by ragtimepiano at 12:21 AM on April 15, 2009
I'll take the risk that some of you will angrily respond about "boasting", to explain that my own adult daughter is an actress, a member of SAG,
Heh. My boyfriend's in SAG, as are a dozen other people I know. As "impressive" as you think that might be, it's really not; it's just a professional qualification for working actors.
I still don't think jealousy's your problem. And I say that with tact and charity.
posted by scody at 3:57 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
Heh. My boyfriend's in SAG, as are a dozen other people I know. As "impressive" as you think that might be, it's really not; it's just a professional qualification for working actors.
I still don't think jealousy's your problem. And I say that with tact and charity.
posted by scody at 3:57 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
On Wiki-how I found an article addressing the problem.
On Wiki-how I found an article addressing the problem. Thanks to those of you who brought up some of the points listed here.
• You might be a fun, beautiful, gregarious person that people are jealous of. Too bad. Let them. You won't serve yourself any better by catering to their hate.
• When someone is envious of you, it means that you have something they want. If you want to help them and they seem nice and worth the effort, offer to tell them where you got that shirt or those shoes. Tell them how you stay positive.
• Empowering them is a good way to diffuse their jealousy, but only do this for those people you feel are worthy of your time and energy. Ignore the others.
• Their jealousy is a mask for insecurity. Once you recognize there's nothing behind the veneer, you'll be fine.
• You have the right as a person to be in stable healthy relationships. Choose to do so.
• People who get jealous of you sometimes wish they could be as outgoing, good-looking, etc as you but they end up comparing themselves and they end up idolizing you or hating you, maybe both. If you ever get to talk to the person, see what makes them unique and compliment on that, let them enjoy their own uniqueness if it takes the focus off of what makes them jealous of you, or tell them a quality you like in them that you wish you had, so they realize that you're not perfect like they make you out to be. Sometimes you can be a mentor or a friend if that's what they're looking for, or sometimes you just have to keep a safe distance if they have a sick kind of jealousy that would put you in danger. Just be kind but cautious.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
You remain convinced that others are jealous of you, even though you have no idea whether or not they are unless they come out and say they are. You are choosing to interpret the hostility/bad attitude of others in a way that flatters you and relieves you from having to analyze how you come across, or having to change anything about YOU. Because the jealousy is their problem, la la la la. The way they act towards you could be for a hundred different reasons, and yet you choose to believe that anyone who exhibits mean-spiritedness towards you is jealous. Fine. They're jealous.
posted by iconomy at 6:10 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
On Wiki-how I found an article addressing the problem. Thanks to those of you who brought up some of the points listed here.
• You might be a fun, beautiful, gregarious person that people are jealous of. Too bad. Let them. You won't serve yourself any better by catering to their hate.
• When someone is envious of you, it means that you have something they want. If you want to help them and they seem nice and worth the effort, offer to tell them where you got that shirt or those shoes. Tell them how you stay positive.
• Empowering them is a good way to diffuse their jealousy, but only do this for those people you feel are worthy of your time and energy. Ignore the others.
• Their jealousy is a mask for insecurity. Once you recognize there's nothing behind the veneer, you'll be fine.
• You have the right as a person to be in stable healthy relationships. Choose to do so.
• People who get jealous of you sometimes wish they could be as outgoing, good-looking, etc as you but they end up comparing themselves and they end up idolizing you or hating you, maybe both. If you ever get to talk to the person, see what makes them unique and compliment on that, let them enjoy their own uniqueness if it takes the focus off of what makes them jealous of you, or tell them a quality you like in them that you wish you had, so they realize that you're not perfect like they make you out to be. Sometimes you can be a mentor or a friend if that's what they're looking for, or sometimes you just have to keep a safe distance if they have a sick kind of jealousy that would put you in danger. Just be kind but cautious.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
You remain convinced that others are jealous of you, even though you have no idea whether or not they are unless they come out and say they are. You are choosing to interpret the hostility/bad attitude of others in a way that flatters you and relieves you from having to analyze how you come across, or having to change anything about YOU. Because the jealousy is their problem, la la la la. The way they act towards you could be for a hundred different reasons, and yet you choose to believe that anyone who exhibits mean-spiritedness towards you is jealous. Fine. They're jealous.
posted by iconomy at 6:10 AM on April 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
Thanks for the answers, although my husband, friends, and I are taken aback at some of the harshness.
Sure, but they know you well and appreciate you. But you have been asking how to deal with people who are perhaps know you less well. You have a powerful gift here in that you get to see how perfect strangers feel towards you. And apparently they aren't really left with that great of an initial impression. Out of the few questions you've asked here, 40 percent of them have left people with a dislike for you. You should be positive that this is not because they are jealous, because they barely know you.
Your question really rubbed people the wrong way. It seems to be dripping with paraliptical boasting about yourself, and condescension and judgment towards others. Interpreting others' behavior as jealousy is probably one of the most offensive things you can do, and certainly will color their opinion towards you more than any real jealousy.
I listed some general reasons why the jealousy is real, without going into details as I felt that listing specifics would indeed be unseemly and immodest.
Sorry, this just rings false for me. You seem to have no problem going into details when it suits you. And if you had given a single example of a jealous incident rather than listing all your sparkling qualities, that would have gone over loads better here. There is the possibility that people would still say it is your fault given the specifics, but I'm not sure that's something you are considering carefully enough.
I say all of this not to be harsh, but to remind you that you are asking how to deal with the poor perceptions of others. Thinking that the poor perceptions are due to their jealousy is convenient, but somewhat self-aggrandizing and probably wrong.
posted by grouse at 8:50 AM on April 15, 2009 [4 favorites]
Sure, but they know you well and appreciate you. But you have been asking how to deal with people who are perhaps know you less well. You have a powerful gift here in that you get to see how perfect strangers feel towards you. And apparently they aren't really left with that great of an initial impression. Out of the few questions you've asked here, 40 percent of them have left people with a dislike for you. You should be positive that this is not because they are jealous, because they barely know you.
Your question really rubbed people the wrong way. It seems to be dripping with paraliptical boasting about yourself, and condescension and judgment towards others. Interpreting others' behavior as jealousy is probably one of the most offensive things you can do, and certainly will color their opinion towards you more than any real jealousy.
I listed some general reasons why the jealousy is real, without going into details as I felt that listing specifics would indeed be unseemly and immodest.
Sorry, this just rings false for me. You seem to have no problem going into details when it suits you. And if you had given a single example of a jealous incident rather than listing all your sparkling qualities, that would have gone over loads better here. There is the possibility that people would still say it is your fault given the specifics, but I'm not sure that's something you are considering carefully enough.
I say all of this not to be harsh, but to remind you that you are asking how to deal with the poor perceptions of others. Thinking that the poor perceptions are due to their jealousy is convenient, but somewhat self-aggrandizing and probably wrong.
posted by grouse at 8:50 AM on April 15, 2009 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Some of you seem to think that this jealousy is only perceived, not real, or is brought on by a "superior " attitude.
Eh... my interpretation of comments upthread is that people were not saying that the jealousy results from the superior attitude but rather, the superior attitude results from the assumption that others' negative attitudes are always jealousy. There were many examples given of different reasons why people may act "off" that have nothing to do with your accomplishments.
I read over those list of tips you found on WikiHow. I'm glad you found something that will help you but you should be careful to note your confirmation bias: they all reinforce the idea that others are ONLY jealous of you.
Yes, they may well be jealous of you! We don't know you, we don't know your daily generosity and charity... I would absolutely listen to your friends and family on this point... but what everyone here is trying to say is that there may be other reasons and that perceiving people's distant behaviours as jealousy may well come across as conceited, whether you intend it or not.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:16 AM on April 15, 2009
Eh... my interpretation of comments upthread is that people were not saying that the jealousy results from the superior attitude but rather, the superior attitude results from the assumption that others' negative attitudes are always jealousy. There were many examples given of different reasons why people may act "off" that have nothing to do with your accomplishments.
I read over those list of tips you found on WikiHow. I'm glad you found something that will help you but you should be careful to note your confirmation bias: they all reinforce the idea that others are ONLY jealous of you.
Yes, they may well be jealous of you! We don't know you, we don't know your daily generosity and charity... I would absolutely listen to your friends and family on this point... but what everyone here is trying to say is that there may be other reasons and that perceiving people's distant behaviours as jealousy may well come across as conceited, whether you intend it or not.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:16 AM on April 15, 2009
Yet sometimes people seem to show me their worst side, out of jealousy.
Please tells us what jealously looks like, (as opposed to, say, basic dislike), because I honestly have no idea.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:32 PM on April 15, 2009
Please tells us what jealously looks like, (as opposed to, say, basic dislike), because I honestly have no idea.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:32 PM on April 15, 2009
Best answer: small_ruminant: you might enjoy reading Aristotle on the conceptual differences between "jealousy" and "envy". People today use these terms interchangeably, but there used to be quite a difference.
posted by aquafortis at 6:07 PM on April 15, 2009
posted by aquafortis at 6:07 PM on April 15, 2009
As complete strangers, coming at this with no preconceptions about you, and only 'judging' you by your own words -
is it a random coincidence that so many different people are 'judging you harshly'?
If the only common factor is you, why are you so sure that the problem doesn't lie in you?
My interest was piqued when you said this:
It's truly ironic that so many of you latched onto the link about my friend's boasting about her middle-school daughters.
I quickly rechecked, and do you mean the whole... two comments?
Comments number 12 and 27?
That is so many? I *then* read the link, and well, I concurr.
Have you also ever noticed the tendency that people are often most irritated in others by what they display (but deny) in themselves?
(Extra note - If someone has behaviours considered irritating by many but not all people, their friends and romantic partners have generally been selected from the pool of people who are less irritated by them. Make sense?)
posted by Elysum at 6:50 PM on April 15, 2009
is it a random coincidence that so many different people are 'judging you harshly'?
If the only common factor is you, why are you so sure that the problem doesn't lie in you?
My interest was piqued when you said this:
It's truly ironic that so many of you latched onto the link about my friend's boasting about her middle-school daughters.
I quickly rechecked, and do you mean the whole... two comments?
Comments number 12 and 27?
That is so many? I *then* read the link, and well, I concurr.
Have you also ever noticed the tendency that people are often most irritated in others by what they display (but deny) in themselves?
(Extra note - If someone has behaviours considered irritating by many but not all people, their friends and romantic partners have generally been selected from the pool of people who are less irritated by them. Make sense?)
posted by Elysum at 6:50 PM on April 15, 2009
Response by poster: Thanks, aquafortis. Those distinctions are relevant.
Given the limitations of this forum, and the fact that we are strangers to each other here, I guess I need to ask my pastor and the director of the Lay Carmelite Community to which I belong, to write endorsements of my character :-)
I wish you all well.
posted by ragtimepiano at 8:25 PM on April 15, 2009
Given the limitations of this forum, and the fact that we are strangers to each other here, I guess I need to ask my pastor and the director of the Lay Carmelite Community to which I belong, to write endorsements of my character :-)
I wish you all well.
posted by ragtimepiano at 8:25 PM on April 15, 2009
*squints*
You did it again!
I honestly believe you don't mean too - but you don't realise how this is coming across.
I'm sorry if I sounded unnecessarily harsh in the last post, so I'm going to try again.
We're on the internet - there's nothing to back up your claims, and yet, you've again, latched onto some external source of validation to justify your opinions/status.
I'll go back to the 'jealous' idea - if people are jealous of someone, they are rarely actually jealous of that *person*, but by the external possesions/accomplishments, right?
If someone wants to 'defuse' jealousy, then they move aside the curtain of *things* that the other person is jealous of, and reveal the person underneath.
There are people who have a lot in this life, and who have accomplished the most, but whom people are not 'jealous' of - because they are very 'human', 'down-to-earth', etc etc. They don't hide behind their external validators.
Conversely, people are very harsh towards people they perceive as parading 'external' validators, and then more offended by accusations of jealousy - because they don't actually want those things.
So, if you think someone is jealous, switch from 'I have' & 'my' statements, to 'I am', and reveal yourself, and then invite others to reveal THEIR self.
So, at any point during this conversation, you could have said something like:
I didn't mean to point out specific factors or take us down the wrong tangent, I just meant that I am very happy with my life, and I think other people can see that - but I don't want to make other people unhappy, or be the target of their jealousy.
How can I deal with those actions and respond appropriately?
(The example about your adult daughter - but wasn't that exactly boasting? How does telling us that change the situation or the earlier post at all? You're just saying, 'she has no right to proclaim her daughters as great actresses. *I* however, do!'.
Again, calling on fellow church members - it's the internet, how does telling us that help?
You could have just said 'I am blessed with many good friends, and I believe/hope/trust they would tell me if any of your accusations had merit')
posted by Elysum at 9:40 PM on April 22, 2009 [3 favorites]
You did it again!
I honestly believe you don't mean too - but you don't realise how this is coming across.
I'm sorry if I sounded unnecessarily harsh in the last post, so I'm going to try again.
We're on the internet - there's nothing to back up your claims, and yet, you've again, latched onto some external source of validation to justify your opinions/status.
I'll go back to the 'jealous' idea - if people are jealous of someone, they are rarely actually jealous of that *person*, but by the external possesions/accomplishments, right?
If someone wants to 'defuse' jealousy, then they move aside the curtain of *things* that the other person is jealous of, and reveal the person underneath.
There are people who have a lot in this life, and who have accomplished the most, but whom people are not 'jealous' of - because they are very 'human', 'down-to-earth', etc etc. They don't hide behind their external validators.
Conversely, people are very harsh towards people they perceive as parading 'external' validators, and then more offended by accusations of jealousy - because they don't actually want those things.
So, if you think someone is jealous, switch from 'I have' & 'my' statements, to 'I am', and reveal yourself, and then invite others to reveal THEIR self.
So, at any point during this conversation, you could have said something like:
I didn't mean to point out specific factors or take us down the wrong tangent, I just meant that I am very happy with my life, and I think other people can see that - but I don't want to make other people unhappy, or be the target of their jealousy.
How can I deal with those actions and respond appropriately?
(The example about your adult daughter - but wasn't that exactly boasting? How does telling us that change the situation or the earlier post at all? You're just saying, 'she has no right to proclaim her daughters as great actresses. *I* however, do!'.
Again, calling on fellow church members - it's the internet, how does telling us that help?
You could have just said 'I am blessed with many good friends, and I believe/hope/trust they would tell me if any of your accusations had merit')
posted by Elysum at 9:40 PM on April 22, 2009 [3 favorites]
Again, calling on fellow church members - it's the internet, how does telling us that help?
Indeed, it completely undermines her own argument. Saying "I guess I need to ask my pastor and the director of the Lay Carmelite Community to which I belong, to write endorsements of my character" masquerades as humility, but actually functions as precisely the opposite. The further irony, of course, is that if I recall correctly (from my long-ago Catholic days, and as the granddaughter of a lay Carmelite), the Carmelites actually have some pretty firm things to say about the sin of pride -- the selfsame sin ragtimepiano repeatedly displays by insisting that jealousy (of her presumably superior behavior/accomplishments/talents/etc.) is the sole explanation for others' negative reaction to her.
posted by scody at 10:27 PM on April 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Indeed, it completely undermines her own argument. Saying "I guess I need to ask my pastor and the director of the Lay Carmelite Community to which I belong, to write endorsements of my character" masquerades as humility, but actually functions as precisely the opposite. The further irony, of course, is that if I recall correctly (from my long-ago Catholic days, and as the granddaughter of a lay Carmelite), the Carmelites actually have some pretty firm things to say about the sin of pride -- the selfsame sin ragtimepiano repeatedly displays by insisting that jealousy (of her presumably superior behavior/accomplishments/talents/etc.) is the sole explanation for others' negative reaction to her.
posted by scody at 10:27 PM on April 22, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes, it's the internet, and apparently whatever I write is negatively construed by a few people who continue to pursue this thing, which kinda reminds me of adolescent behavior toward parents.
:-))
I wish you all well, and I wish you good fortune, although I realize a couple of you will miscontrue that, as well.
posted by ragtimepiano at 8:41 PM on April 26, 2009
:-))
I wish you all well, and I wish you good fortune, although I realize a couple of you will miscontrue that, as well.
posted by ragtimepiano at 8:41 PM on April 26, 2009
the OP's bubble is never going to be burst, guys. just give up. haha.
OP, if others are jealous of you and acting in such a way toward you, i think you should pay them no mind. just be happy in yourself. but if you come across toward them as presuming that they would be jealous of you...that creates a complication in your attitude toward them and your presumption of their attitude toward you.
i find that i try to spend time with people who appreciate me for who i am, and are good-natured, whenever i am jaded by the behavior of the people around me.
posted by bengalibelle at 5:49 PM on May 4, 2009
OP, if others are jealous of you and acting in such a way toward you, i think you should pay them no mind. just be happy in yourself. but if you come across toward them as presuming that they would be jealous of you...that creates a complication in your attitude toward them and your presumption of their attitude toward you.
i find that i try to spend time with people who appreciate me for who i am, and are good-natured, whenever i am jaded by the behavior of the people around me.
posted by bengalibelle at 5:49 PM on May 4, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Anyway, if you're forced to deal with them for work or something just try to be as nice and plesant to them as you can be, if you feel like their being rude to your or whatever just let it go and forget about it. If you're not forced to work with them, just avoid them.
posted by delmoi at 10:12 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]