Socializing in a second language?

April 13, 2009 1:56 PM

How does an introvert socialize in a second language?

I'm living in another country right now, and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to socialize. It's one thing to say, "Join a club! Take a class!" But comprehension/speaking abilities in my second language are pretty horrible. I have opportunities to take art classes and dance classes and even a unicycle class. But my shyness and lack of language ability are holding me back. I feel nervous just running into my flatmates making dinner--they don't speak that much English.

I'm kind of socially-dumb in English, too. My nervousness over my second language is turning me into a hermit.

Any advice? Should I ignore being social until my language skills are better? I'm already listening to more dubbed Lazy Town music than I can handle!

(Anon. because my friends would probably make fun of me for posting this. My throwaway account is [e-mail].)

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

What's your second language?
posted by kldickson at 2:01 PM on April 13

Date first before trying to be "social." The person or people you date will be opportunities for you to develop better language skills in a more (ahem) intimate environment and will be able to act as your social-life wingman/woman in second-language social situations, so that you can learn the ropes of social interaction in that language.
posted by The World Famous at 2:03 PM on April 13

Well I think your best bet is to utilize your flat mates. Since, if I understand you correctly, they have a better grasp on the language, maybe you can confide in one (or more) of them how nervous you are about your language usage and ask for their help. Then maybe they can go with you to clubs, or other social events, and would also be there to ease the language barrier (for example, your flat mate could jump into the conversation and say "This is anonymous, she hasn't mastered [language] yet, but wants to practice and improve." I would think that once other people knew your proficiency level, they would be gracious and overlook any fumbling sentence construction.

You'll have to just ignore your fear of looking silly when you first approach the flat mates, though. Good luck!
posted by Eicats at 2:04 PM on April 13

Surround yourself with other international students (I guess?) - it is their second language too and you feel a lot less stupid getting it wrong in company.

Remind yourself that most people are really impressed if you attempt to speak their language and will be quite happy for you to try and bear with you if you make mistakes.

I think the classes you mentioned are a brilliant idea - they give you a structured way to interact with people and provide topics for conversation, post class socialising etc so you end up being a lot more relaxed than you would in a bar/party socialising and trying to make small talk.

The only way you are going to overcome this is by talking to your flatmates, to the people at your classes, the people in the supermarket, the bus etc. Just talk and remind yourself that whenever you speak a language with an accent you are speaking at least a second language, which is more than most people can do and the vast marjority of people will be impressed rather than note your mistakes.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:24 PM on April 13

Definitely don't put off socialising until your language skills are better. How are you going to improve them if you don't talk to people?

What worries you the most? Is it that you're afraid of not being able to express yourself as well as you need to? (The best remedy for this is just practice.) Or that other people will judge you for your linguistic shortcomings? (In my experience, people will appreciate your efforts to speak their language, though maybe this depends on where you're living. No decent person would look down on you over this.) Or is it something else?

I think you should just go for the dance classes. The instruction is more showing than telling, so there won't be as much of a comprehension problem, and maybe moving around with a lot of other people will allow you to open up a bit. I'm shy too, and I know it's not helpful to hear, just be outgoing! all the time. But just try to put yourself in situations where you can meet more people, and when you do, give yourself permission to approach them, and potentially to embarrass yourself a little. It's OK. Whatever happens, it's not the end of the world. You don't have to fear that panicky feeling that comes up when you try something you're not comfortable with yet. Acknowledge it, but remember it's just a feeling, and don't let it hold you back. And don't feel like you have to present your grasp of the language as perfect or even good. Try your best, but you're still learning and people will get that.

Good luck and be brave!

On preview: I see that you've gotten some advice saying to talk to other English speakers in the second language. If you're comfortable with this, go for it. But I've met a lot of people who actually feel less good about talking to other learners, to the point of paralysis almost, because they feel like they should be at the same level, and maybe they're not. That's also normal! The important thing is to figure out who you're most comfortable talking to and making mistakes around in the second language, and then try to practise as much as possible with those people.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 2:36 PM on April 13

Think about all of the answers to the most obvious questions people will ask you, the foreign kid.

Where are you from? How long have you been here? Why are you here? Do you like it here? Do you miss home? What are some of the things that you have found to be strange here? Where are you learning $Language?

Learn how to answer these questions properly in the language. Go over the answers in your head and try to think of the different ways to answer it. This will help loosen things up.

Also, if applicable in your location, alcohol, but just a little. You don't want to be known as the light weight "CITIZEN OF YOUR COUNTRY" that can't hold your liquor.

As for your current roommates, try cooking a meal for them. That is the best way to break the ice with new foreign roommates and get on their good sides. Make it something from home, but if you are American and can't cook, DO NOT make mac and cheese or ramen noodles or whatever crappy food we are prone to eat. Hey, it's summer time. Is there a balcony, backyard or small park nearby where you can grill up some hamburgers? They have probably had McDonald's burgers, but not real American backyard burgers with all the fixins. Or get 2 bottles of wine and ask your roommates if they would like some.
posted by chillmost at 3:00 PM on April 13

Alcohol. Seriously. I spent a quarter abroad in Vienna, and had a number of people tell me my German was much better when I was tipsy.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 3:12 PM on April 13

For a bit of confidence building, find a language tutor. Even if you're already attending a formal language school, meeting a tutor for one-on-one conversation can be really helpful. If you check out bulletin boards in areas with high concentrations of expats, you're likely to find someone interested in a language-swap type of thing -- they'll help you work on your second language in return for your help with their English. If you find someone you click with, this can develop into a fun weekly outing.

The other thing is, eavesdrop like a maniac, and use that to improve your own skills! I used to sit at cafes and listen in shamelessly. If I didn't understand what people at other tables were saying, I would just listen to the intonation, and hum sentences back to myself like melodies. That helped me get a feel for the sound of the language, and when you can reproduce the characteristic "melodies" of questions, exclamations, etc., you will be better understood, even if your vocabulary and grammar are still shaky.
posted by TheLittlestRobot at 3:17 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]

Seconding qxntpqbbbqxl's tip - a few drinks and my Spanish improves dramatically.
posted by Admira at 3:21 PM on April 13

go to clubs anyway - there will be people in the club who want to practice what English they know as much as you want to get better at whatever. Also, people will go out of their way to help you learn something if you are as passionate about it as they are

find something you really REALLY want to do - in my case, i always wanted to learn gym wheel, which I can't really do in the states. here, I can do it for free at one of the best places in the country IF I do it in the local language.

find people you'll never see again - talking to people at work is STRESSFUL. talking to people in the supermarket, on the bus, etc., is less onerous. You'll never see them again. They won't remember you for the time you mispronounced something and said something terrible about their mother.

hang out with mixed crowds - you'll make local friends, but find the ones that also include other foreigners. It's nice to be able to move between languages, and get help from others who speak better and can serve as intermediaries in the conversation, when you're falling behind.

sometimes, stay home and watch tv - it really actually does help with listening comprehension. when you need a night off, don't feel guilty about turning on the tv.

Unless you're already into booze, I don't really recommend it: it's expensive, loud, and can limit the times and types of people you'll meet. If you already do it, by all means, go ahead. I'm also not a big fan of the "intentionally seek someone to date so you can suck their language from their head while tongue-kissing" method. But maybe that's in part because of where I live...
posted by whatzit at 3:31 PM on April 13

Seconding alcohol. I was incredibly shy about speaking when I was on a foreign language program. The family I lived with had been hosting American kids for 20-some years, and my first night, at dinner, the father poured me a large glass of wine. It really did help me get over my self-consciousness - I didn't get drunk, just enough to feel a little less shy.
posted by rtha at 4:32 PM on April 13

Hey, I've been in sort of the same situation! Comically shy in English, moved to another country and had to figure out how to make friends in Spanish. At first I was permanently tongue-tied; it definitely got easier.

The good news is that, as you are in a different country, you have plenty of material for interesting conversation even if you're not at first very articulate. You must be curious about your new home, so ask questions about the place you are living as well as the usual getting-to-know you questions. This will keep the other person talking, and most people like giving someone who's new to the area a briefing on local customs and recommending them things to see, places to eat, etc. I met lots of people who were happy to tell me interesting details about the city I was in, or even show me around.

Also, because you're from somewhere different, people will ask about where you're from, what you're doing in their country, how you like it so far... (hint: you love it, but light hearted ribbing about the weather or the notoriously overcrowded public transport system is okay). By virtue of being from somewhere else, your answers to small-talk type questions can actually make an interesting conversation. Be sure to tell them about silly traditions from your home country.

Shy or not, every adult learner of a foreign language goes through a similarly bumbling stage, when sentences are incomplete, words forgotten and you accidentally say obscenities to somebody's grandmother (I still blush). Language mistakes go with the territory. You will have funny anecdotes afterwards. Fortunately, most people are very encouraging with people who are language learners.

Pat yourself on the back; if people understand you in regular conversation, you are already doing a great job. Are your flatmates native speakers? Definitely chat to them--most people like having a friendly living situation. I like chillmost's suggestion of sharing dinner with them; for some reason it is easier to make conversation having shared food. Activities are a boon for shy people because they are a ready made source of conversation. Unicycling sounds awesome; you don't have to take yourself too seriously when you're doing it.

A happy side-effect of all this was that I became much more chatty in my native language too. Good luck, and enjoy!
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 4:35 PM on April 13

Are you taking classes for your second language? Cause you could do that too, and then you can socialise with your new classmates and improve your language skills.
posted by Xany at 4:36 PM on April 13

Seconding the idea of a free language exchange with someone who wants to practice their English. This gives practice socializing as well as speaking the language, and both of you will feel awkward in your respective second languages and will be able to laugh about it. Your conversation partner could also become a familiar and comfortable "in" to more challenging situations like parties.
posted by PatoPata at 4:43 PM on April 13

I'm kind of socially-dumb in English, too.
They do not know that...

You're shy and you're an introvert (been there!) but to simplify it, forget that you're shy and then, just assume that everybody in the world is yours to talk to. Yes, and that every single one of them is just dying to have you chattering away to them. And, of course, that all people in public/common areas are fair game! (You could go beyond that but I think that's understood as being fair...)

As an introvert - you think. Thinking is important and if anything is to be said it must reflect that some thought was behind it. Which is nice.
Yeah... Well forget that shit, you've heard some of the stuff that passes for conversation! Nobody cares, they're not even listening. They are just waiting for their turn. So just smile and say *whatever*.
It'll be fine *rolleyes* :) I promise.

And come on :) I'm a bit of a misanthropist but even I would anticipate people would be happy and willing to teach me colours, direction and limbs and how to say "Stop making me laugh! I keep falling off!" People aren't that bad...
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 4:55 PM on April 13

Can you take a beginners class in something you already know? Let's say you draw very well...maybe you can take an into to drawing class. This way, you can watch what's going on around you and maybe piece together a bit more. (I suggest this because I teach knitting to people who speak Spanish as a first language, and Spanish is my second language. We all learn a lot.)

Anyway, total immersion is the way to go. Turn off the English part of your brain. Stop reading US websites, and check out websites only in your target language.

I say this as someone who is just starting to learn German. The person who is teaching me does not do well with my surprise interspersing elementary German into the conversation. He assures me that it's because he has to "switch his brain" from English to German. (As opposed to because my accent is so bad that what I'm saying isn't anything real, which I suspect is a genuine possibility.)

Finally, movies help too. But try to avoid the subtitles. Sometimes they're just... wrong.
posted by bilabial at 7:04 AM on April 16