How much to spend on a wedding gift, general rule?

April 12, 2009 8:21 AM

Non American needs help with determining a "fair" $ gift amount for upcoming and any wedding.

Although I have lived in the U.S. quite sometime I always get stumped when it comes to determining a fair amount to be spent on a wedding gift or cash gift. I would totally hate to be considered stingy or cheap. I have asked my friends many times regarding the $ etiquette but I never seem to get a clear answer. I live in NYC and so is the upcoming wedding. The affair will not be a fancy high-end wedding, more casual and fun. (in case that helps) However, I would appreciate a general guide so that I can apply it to any wedding scenario.
Also, I presume if I bring a guest with me that the amount would increase to cover the cost of the meal?

posted by sequin to society & culture (23 comments total)

We're a young couple, so we usually give a gift in the $30-$60 range, depending on what's on the registry and how close we are with the marrying couple. FWIW, the meal provided by the hosts generally runs $30 or more per plate, more if you include alcohol, entertainment, etc. I think good ettiquette would be to provide a gift worth at least that much, though you are a "guest" and they're inviting you because they want you there, not because they want your money. In the end, it comes down to what you're comfortable with.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 8:30 AM on April 12

Listen, you're going to get a lot of "a gift isn't absolutely necessary" and "do what you can feel comfortable with financially" and these are absolutely spot on advice. I also presume this is the kind of not-clear-answers you've already got from your friends.

CBSnews' article from 2005, but it quoted TheKnot.com:

Cost to Consider: Whether you're going to a lavish country club wedding or a low-key wedding at a local hotel, Gibbons says it shouldn't have anything to do with the gift you choose. A nice gift just needs to be thoughtful - not equal to the $300 plate. Instead, Gibbons says the wedding gift is based on your relationship with the bride and the groom; your affection for them and their families; location of wedding (metropolitan vs. rural); what other people are doing for them; and, of course, your budget. She says, "If you're a college grad and you spend just $50, that's perfectly acceptable. They wouldn't want you to break the bank. They want to you go to their wedding." Here are some suggestions: Co-worker and/or distant family friend or relative: $50-$75 Relative or friend: $75-100 Close relative or close friend: $100-$150 Source: The Knot

For what it's worth, I generally fall in the $100 range for everyone, unless it is someone I was extremely close with.
posted by jerseygirl at 8:31 AM on April 12 [2 favorites]

I presume if I bring a guest with me that the amount would increase to cover the cost of the meal?

In the US weddings I have been to, this is not the case. My ballpark gift amount is $50-100. Adjust up if you are well-off and downward if this is just not doable for you. You can always look at the amounts of things on the registry and pick something you think is appropriate and within your price range. Don't be worried that there are some spendy things on the list, those are often things that the couple may be expecting family members to get who have been like "Oh we'd like to buy you a bed" or something large-scale. Above all, a thoughful gift and your presence should be sufficient.
posted by jessamyn at 8:37 AM on April 12

I generally spend $100 for everyone unless it's a really close friend, then it's a higher amount.
posted by meerkatty at 8:40 AM on April 12

Depending on where you are, the meal costs a LOT MORE than $30/plate. In NYC/NJ it's at least $100/plate. I've heard in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania (and probably a lot of other states) it's around $50.

If you're a student or recent grad, you're definitely not expected to give $100, but if you've been working for a while then you should give enough to cover your plate, and if you're bringing a guest, give more - doubling would be ideal but that's a lot of $$, so if you can't do that just give more than you would for yourself alone. And yes, adjust based on how well you know the couple.

Also, depending on where the wedding is - I know in NYC/NJ people are pretty much expected to give money - cash or check. I know co-workers who got married in Iowa, Wisconsin, etc, and they all got gifts from the registry brought to the wedding - most NJ weddings don't even have a place for you to put gifts, just a box to put the envelopes with the $$ into.

Weddings are expensive, so take advantage of the open bar. And if you're bringing a date take advantage of the fact that it's SUCH an easy date and there's pretty much no way it can go wrong - everyone always has a great time.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:46 AM on April 12

Although it doesn't sound like you're planning to do this, if you ever decide to give cash / a check, in some cultures certain amounts are particularly auspicious. For example, in Hinduism, it's considered unlucky to give even numbers, so $101 is preferable to $100. In Judaism, multiples of 18 are particularly lucky, so $108 is a pretty standard gift.
posted by charmcityblues at 8:49 AM on April 12

My experience has been: $50 to $100, unless its an Asian wedding. Asian weddings seem to expect much larger amounts ($500-$5000).
posted by jeffamaphone at 8:57 AM on April 12

The above is all good advice. Technically you don't need to give a gift and jerseygirl gives good advice, IMHO.

That said, I find that socially it is quid pro quo to give a gift. NYC metro area is an expensive place, as I'm sure you know. The Cestmois believe in covering the cost of their meals and then give extra, either in money and/or gifts.

So yes, it should be more if you bring a guest, and note that even the less fancy places in the area will cost more, so you should probably round up, more so if there is alcohol. We figure about $100 a plate and then follow the the Knot math + a bit for NYC.
posted by cestmoi15 at 8:59 AM on April 12

If you're a student or recent grad, you're definitely not expected to give $100, but if you've been working for a while then you should give enough to cover your plate, and if you're bringing a guest, give more - doubling would be ideal but that's a lot of $$, so if you can't do that just give more than you would for yourself alone.

Wedding gifts are not payment for admission to the festivities, nor should they be expected in any amount.
posted by oaf at 9:19 AM on April 12 [4 favorites]

Wedding gifts are not payment for admission to the festivities, nor should they be expected in any amount.

Ah, I was going to put a little disclaimer after writing words like "should" and "expected." Everyone who says "give what you feel comfortable giving" is absolutely right, but if someone is asking what is a fair amount to give, then there are generally accepted amounts. When discussing this with a lot of friends recently (wedding season's started!), we all agreed that it's best to cover the cost of your plate, and then give more if you're close to the couple so they have a gift on top of just coming out even, and although oaf is absolutely right, gifts are not payment for admission, most people like to cover the cost of their plate. That's all I meant. If there was absolutely no 'expected' amount then no one would be asking this question.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 10:10 AM on April 12

This may sound a little glib, but I just had some factors pop into my head. As an upper bound, how about $10 for every year that you've known them, multiplied by the number of days per week you interact with them.
posted by rhizome at 10:14 AM on April 12 [1 favorite]

Asian weddings seem to expect much larger amounts ($500-$5000).

So a large wedding would make the newlyweds millionaires?? Are you sure you're not thinking 5000 Yen?

IIRC, among my wife's (Vietnamese) relatives, $50 a person / $100 a couple seems to be the "current tradition"... but that statement is inherently oxymoronic, so there's got to be a bit of leeway.

If the OP never gets a clear answer, it may be there is no clear answer. But I don't think most people would be disappointed with a $100 gift. Fine bone china typically costs less than that per place setting.
posted by roystgnr at 10:23 AM on April 12

Somewhere between $50-$100 is standard for me, with or without a guest. Don't try to figure out how much the per plate cost is, that's really not necessary or even possible.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:27 AM on April 12

Depending on how well I know the person, how much I spent to get there (and stay there), and whether there are one or two of us going, anywhere between $50 and $150.
posted by echo0720 at 12:11 PM on April 12

I don't care what others say. I was brought up that if you give cash, it should cover the cost of the meal and entertainment, (think, how much would this have been if I had gone out for the evening?). Liquor, band, meals, it all adds up. Nobody would have guest our cost was $100/plate for our small wedding. But, we also put "please, absolutely no gifts!" on our invites and we meant it.

Family or friends, different story. Bigger gift, depending on how close you are to them.
posted by 6:1 at 1:26 PM on April 12

I was brought up that if you give cash, it should cover the cost of the meal and entertainment

Yeah if it's just food and entertainment, then the $100-$150 per person most times definitely covers that.

But that's not usually how wedding cost per head is generally determined. It's catering + entertainment....flowers + hall, linens + table rentals + chair rentals + suit rentals + car rentals (and sometimes honeymoon) divided by the amount of guests.
posted by jerseygirl at 2:35 PM on April 12

When I got married, in baltimore in 2004, the majority of cash gifts we were given were for $100. Friends of our parents typically gave us $200. We typically give $100, and to close friends we add in a small personal gift as well. To very close friends we spend around $500 and don't give money.
posted by gaspode at 3:20 PM on April 12

My experience has been: $50 to $100, unless its an Asian wedding. Asian weddings seem to expect much larger amounts ($500-$5000).

That's not true. In Korea, for example, it's generally $30/$50/$70/$90, depending on how close you are. It's absolutely not $500-$5000. And I know it's not that large in China, either.
posted by smorange at 5:50 PM on April 12

We had a very very casual wedding a few weeks back (courthouse + get together at a family member's house) and despite saying "no need to give us anything", we still got $50 gift cards from friends (two couples, two giftcards each) We also got a $150 gift card from three friends. I would use $25-50 as a benchmark.

Asian weddings seem to expect much larger amounts ($500-$5000).

Not true at all. We've got a July 4th weekend wedding celebration being planned for us (sigh) with about 1 million Chinese people (OK, maybe only $80), and having been given the run down of the bare minimum expected from this kind of event, $25-50 in a red envelope would be way more than acceptable from a single guest, especially if you're not Asian yourself (disclaimer: I am not Asian).

The important thing is that you're there, and that's really all your friends care about. If you want to give a gift, give within your means. Anyone telling you anything different is full of crap.
posted by saturnine at 6:48 PM on April 12

Also, you technically have a year from the wedding date to give your gift, should you go that route, it that helps.
posted by cestmoi15 at 6:48 PM on April 12

I nearly always give a crisp $100 bill CAD or similar round amount in the currency of their honeymoon destination in a card with a note but if it is for someone I am very close to or I just know the perfect gift, then I will also include something sentimental.

Fwiw I am married and in my late 20's so everyone that I know is just married or engaged.
posted by saradarlin at 8:02 PM on April 12

Also, I presume if I bring a guest with me that the amount would increase to cover the cost of the meal?

Other people have touched heavily on the other points, but I wanted to comment on this, a bit. If you were invited as a couple, two people that know the bride and/or groom, and are giving a single gift, you would likely increase the value of your gift, since you would be giving it as a gift from the two of you, instead of each of you giving separate gifts.

If you were invited with a plus-one, and your guest doesn't otherwise know the person, or even if you were invited as a couple, but the other half of your coupledom doesn't know the bride and/or groom (fairly common when invited to weddings of work colleagues, for example), then you don't really need to up the value of the gift.

There are subcultures where the idea that everyone must 'cover their plate' has taken hold, which would apply to the guest, as well, but there's slack for people who aren't part of those sub-cultures, even when attending those weddings. The most notable of these is probably North Americans of Italian descent -- "covering your plate" is pretty much expected within the community itself. But if you were a part of one of those communities, you'd almost certainly already know this. If you think it's possible that you're in one of these cultures and you're just totally clueless cuz you're a guy, and guys aren't indoctrinated into wedding culture as kids the way women are, ask your Mom.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:30 AM on April 13

I agree with jacquilynne about sub-cultures. As an italian-american in the northeast, my wedding gifts start at $150 (cash). I almost always go with cash. If it is a close friend, it moves to $200, if I'm in the wedding party, $250. "Covering your plate" is the very, very minimum, and that's usually $100.

note: All of this assumes that you are invited to bring a guest.
posted by LouMac at 7:54 AM on April 13