How do I turn cheerful bar conversation into cheerful bar smooching?

November 18, 2004 7:55 PM

Pulling girls in bars: how do you do it? I don't think I know how. The two or three times I have they've kissed me first. I'm more used to getting into relationships - sometimes even just asking "can I kiss you? I think you're lovely" after a date - but want some of the late-night stranger-kissing that all the bar guys get. How do you turn cheery bar conversation into cheery bar smooching?
posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

The only time I ever made out with a random stranger in a bar I was so drunk I couldn't stand. So that's idea #1, lots and lots of alcohol. Another, more subtle thing, is to be compelling and bold without being creepy or cocky. Some girls like cocky, but this girl runs away when a man sidles up at a bar and hits her with a cheesy pick-up line.

Another thing: Dance. Get sweaty. Grind. Grope each other. Let the tension build until you must. make. out. NOW.

Just an idea. Good luck.
posted by bonheur at 8:03 PM on November 18, 2004

You just have to toughen yourself to the possibility of rejection, and just go for it more often.

The general thing is to edge closer and closer, then put a hand on her arm, and if she seems to like that, put an arm around her shoulders, and if she seems to like that, touch her hair or face, and if she seems to like that, go in for the smooch.

Just be alert to any "cut it out" signals you get along the way.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:15 PM on November 18, 2004

For what it's worth, if some guy I had just met tried to kiss me, I would be totally skeeved out. I can sense if a guy is trying to put the moves on me for some pre-ordained purpose, and I *hate* it. For me, when it comes to kissing strangers, I have to be the one to want it first. I say, just be your usual charming self- buy drinks and food, ask her about herself, ya know, show actual interest in those you are actually interested in, and see what happens.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:54 PM on November 18, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]

FWIW, when I used to be more of a bar hopper, this was never planned. It just happened after a little conversation which turned into flirting and onto other things. Kinda like what Sidhedevil said, but done entirely subconsciously. Of course the booze helped.
posted by skallas at 9:03 PM on November 18, 2004

That's not say everything comes naturally. You do have to prepare yourself for rejection and make the effort to talk to the ladies first. Over and over.
posted by skallas at 9:05 PM on November 18, 2004

For the "need an education in being social" crowd, how do you be bold and compelling without being cocky? I have not being creepy down, but I often miss the line that define bold and go flying straight off into cockyland.
posted by SpecialK at 9:51 PM on November 18, 2004

err, defines, even.
posted by SpecialK at 9:51 PM on November 18, 2004

Booze. Lots and lots of booze.
posted by majcher at 10:29 PM on November 18, 2004

I'm gradually getting a lot better at this stuff.

I thought, for a long time, that this was one of these things that just come naturally with age, but I don't think it does. You need to push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone each time, and slowly it will become natural.
posted by svenni at 11:01 PM on November 18, 2004

SpecialK, at the risk of sounding a bit too stuffy on the subject (of drunken making out) I think there's an element of cognitive dissonance involved. Or call it Zen, Doublethink, whatever. You have to be aware of the goal, but not allow it to influence your actions directly. You must *know* that you are the kind of guy who pulls girls at bars (bold/confident), but you can't think of yourself that way (cocky). Or to put it another way, Just be a gregarious loudmouth who talks to everyone and something will fall in your lap.

Most likely this makes no sense, but hopefully it will help regardless. Mainly I just wanted to test out my shiny new MeFi account in a thread other than the "I am a new user" ones, over in MetaTalk. Woo, first post! =P
posted by idontlikewords at 11:07 PM on November 18, 2004

Here's a handful of tips. Just my two cents.

If a girl is smiling a lot at you, or lord willing, if she actually touches you on the shoulder, you've just gotten the green light.

Some girls are at bars to make out with strangers and then some. Others are there for reasons you could care less about. Your job is to pick out the former. Pay attention. See how much and what people are drinking. See how receptive they are to your offers to buy drinks. Go for shots after the first round or two. A yes on the round of shots is a very good sign.

An hour or so before closing time. Desperation sets in and your makeout stock goes way up.

Avoid girls in large groups. A waste of time.

Never ask someone if you can kiss them. Never. That is unless you're really looking to emasculate yourself. This is true in bars or elsewhere.

Also, don't complement people's looks. It's a good way to make them think they can do better.

Your goal is roguish and witty. A man of action. Like the others say, you want to be as close to cocky as possible without actually hitting the mark. Throw in a pinch of self-deprecation here and there. Works wonders.

Oh, and remember, we're not talking about relationships, trust, honesty, and all that crap. It's about making out with someone you will never see again. Lies can be a powerful aphrodisiac if you're a good liar at least.
posted by drpynchon at 11:54 PM on November 18, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]

i was planning on making a lengthy and pointed post about this subject which I have only recently figured out...and then realized drpynchon had made it already. everything he said is absolutely on the money. I must emphasize that "Pay attention" part though...if you are receptive, you'll notice that girls actually make it pretty obvious a lot of the time whether or not they're feeling you (and to what degree). Practice makes perfect.

and booze. don't forget the booze.
posted by rooftop secrets at 2:19 AM on November 19, 2004

touch on the shoulder, eh?

i'll let you know how it goes.
posted by fishfucker at 3:04 AM on November 19, 2004

For me, when it comes to kissing strangers, I have to be the one to want it first.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:54 PM PST on November 1

This is my experience. You have to create an environment where the girl wants to kiss you. Slinking around women is not recommended, but everyone likes to be entertained. Say something funny, ask about books, make a joke about the music. And don't hang around the whole time. Make contact, then go meet other people. Come back, talk, leave again. You want to develop a miniature relationship within the context of the short time and several drinks between you. Ask if she's a student. Don't allow your stories to go on too long, be quick yet interesting. And lastly, wear somewhat nice clothes. No girl will want anything to do with you if you wear a sweatshirt.
posted by orange clock at 3:24 AM on November 19, 2004

what drpynchon said. The light touches are the best signal. You can and should reciprocate, but not too much right away.

You should also mirror their posture (but not if it's crossed arms/cold/turning away from you), and have goodish eye contact and listening skills--to show them you're interested.
posted by amberglow at 5:27 AM on November 19, 2004

And for god's sake, if she walks off afterwards, don't follow!

I am in the perhaps unusual position of having a boyfriend who positively encourages me to swap spit with men in bars, but the number who seem to think that I'm now their property for the evening or some potential life-partner is seriously putting me off. Stalking is not sexy.

But you seem like the good, one-off snog type, so if you're ever in London...
posted by corvine at 7:05 AM on November 19, 2004

My advice is to be good looking, so that women want to kiss you. You should try that.

I think that it's all about reading the girl properly. She's probably decided within the first two minutes of meeting you whether she'd kiss you or not - from then on, it's just a matter of when.

Does she ask you questions about yourself? Does she evade the questions you ask about her? Reading the signs of interest is a lot easier than most people think. Then again, with enough alcohol, anything is possible.

And from the girls that I've talked with, buying drinks for them gives you no advantage at all - except that they're drunker, and you're poorer.
posted by Jart at 7:10 AM on November 19, 2004

I think its just CONFIDENCE...

But I always liked reading this site ...It's interesting anyhow.
posted by keep it tight at 7:14 AM on November 19, 2004

It is a sheer numbers game. Forget your ego, and just approach them in numbers. 90% failure is no problem. Eventually you will get one who is drunk/horny/mad-at-their-boyfriend enough to hook up.
posted by eas98 at 8:44 AM on November 19, 2004

When learning to tango, one often dances with members of the same sex. I learned some lessons on being a good intimate dance partner for a stranger that might apply here. Actually, there's just one lesson. A lot of men smell BAD. Now, admittedly, I'm not the intended target for male pheremones and all, but still. DAMN.

So... Wear a nice cologne - more than you would normally think appropriate, but pick a subtle, spicy scent. Make sure your hair smells nice. Brush your teeth right before you go to the bar. Don't smoke. Don't drink foul smelling stuff. (expensive gin = good, bloody mary = bad) Bring mints and partake between drinks.
posted by bradhill at 8:54 AM on November 19, 2004

Heh. I'm actually most likely to want to kiss a random guy when he's smelling... manly, I guess. (Which does not include bad breath!) I think that "Kiss me now!" feeling comes (for me) from a great smile and a great pheromone-y smell. Think, just got off the dance floor sweaty.
posted by occhiblu at 10:08 AM on November 19, 2004

Wear a nice cologne - more than you would normally think appropriate, but pick a subtle, spicy scent.

everyone will have different opinions, but too much cologne can be a turn off, whereas if you're an ordinary guy who bathes regularly, body odor shouldn't really be a factor.

I can sense if a guy is trying to put the moves on me for some pre-ordained purpose, and I *hate* it.

well, yeah, 'cause if you can sense it, then they're doing it wrong! Not so different from the "you're sleazy if I don't find you attractive" thing - that it seems sleazy when someone you don't find attractive leans in too close, but you don't even really notice it - or, it feels exciting but not preplanned - when someone you consider attractive does the same thing. Basically, sleaziness is an inability to read (or plain disregard for) the signals.
posted by mdn at 11:34 AM on November 19, 2004

I agree, mdn- if I can sense it at the time, they are doing it wrong. There have been times where it's been so smooth, that it's only afterwards that I realize- Hey, I was seduced! That's when I like it :-)
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:06 PM on November 19, 2004 [1 favorite has favorites]