Bellying up in more ways than 1

April 11, 2009 6:19 AM

I'm pregnant, social, and looking for your best excuses for not drinking alcohol (read: help me lie to my colleagues and friends).

I'm newly pregnant, and not letting on to colleagues and friends yet. Today at an office event I grabbed a beer, and just held the bottle for hours, pouring some down the bathroom sink from time to time. That worked ok, but my closer friends will definitely notice my non-drinking before I'm ready to be outed, in about 6 weeks.

I've already thought of saying "I'm on antibiotics", and "I just got over my hangover from last night". In my circles, the phrase "I'm on a cleanse" is the same as "I'm pregnant".

So I turn to you, hive mind. Give me your best methods to deceive people around me into thinking I'm still drinking... just not tonight!

posted by anonymous to society & culture (50 comments total)

"I gotta drive later."

works every single time I use it.

I've called people douchebags (with a huge smile on my face, which is kind of important) for suggesting I could still have "ooooone drink" with them and that usually settled things pretty quickly. by doing so -and you may replace douchebag with any other term you like- I'm turning the premise of the proposition around: it's no longer me who is spoiling the night by not drinking alcohol but the other person who is "bad" for trying to get me into trouble.

or consider rolling your eyes slowly and saying "awh heeell no, not tonight!" everyone will think they know what you mean and won't be able to disagree as long as you don't give a specific reason: you can only counter an argument once you have a detail to pick apart.

one more thing: smile. you're not sorry, you're not being apologetic, you made a decision and you're damn proud of it. alcohol is a social lubricant. the implication is that you're no fun if you don't drink. show that you're still fun. show that you are the happy person already you otherwise would be if you were a bit drunk. loosen up. smile a lot. tell a joke. people won't care if that's a water or a vodka in your hand if you aren't too sober to grab the karaoke mic and make a total ass out of yourself.
posted by krautland at 6:31 AM on April 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

Go to the bar and order a seltzer/7-up/coke with lime. Repeat as needed. This might not be convincing if you always drink beer, people will wonder/ask about if you switched to mixed drinks.
posted by AlisonM at 6:31 AM on April 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

Seconding AlisonM's idea - I do this a lot, and no one ever notices. If I happen to say, "Oh I'm so glad I didn't drink last night," my friends (yes, even close friends) always respond with incredulity. Keep in mind that if they're drinking, they're not picking up on as much as they would if they were sober.

If that fails, you could always claim a mild stomach bug for a few weeks, which then could be followed by a claim of being on antibiotics for the stomach bug that wouldn't go away.

Congratulations!
posted by pammeke at 6:45 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

The "stomach bug" idea has the added appeal of making sense later when you come clean. "No wonder you weren't feeling well, you were preggers! Congrats!" Your friends won't feel lied to.

And, congrats.
posted by The Deej at 6:52 AM on April 11 [7 favorites has favorites]

I'd go with "stomach bug" or ordering a seltzer with a lime. Maybe you have one close friend you can confide in? When my best friend was pregnant she slipped a lot of drinks my way to avoid anyone noticing that she wasn't drinking. It worked pretty well...for both of us.

and congrats!
posted by emd3737 at 7:01 AM on April 11

you're training for a marathon.. or other miscellaneous physical endeavour.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 7:04 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

Stomach bug or else say, "I got WASTED last night. Need to take it easy."
posted by pearlybob at 7:15 AM on April 11

Why not just be honest and tell them you're pregnant? It's nothing to be ashamed of AND it's the best excuse not to drink. Honesty is the best policy.
posted by pwally at 7:16 AM on April 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

What AlisonM said. While nothing bothers me more than dicks who think you're ruining their fun if everyone isn't torched (I often skip the Friday work drinks because I have to do a training run after work) it's so much easier to just get a non-alcoholic drink. On the off chance that someone notices this and calls you on it, the stomach bug and/or fuck off and mind your own business response is perfectly acceptable. Being forced to 'have fun' isn't fun and ultimately nobody should be subjected to forceful drinking.

My wife's also newly pregnant and has been pregnant in the past and early on it's better to just fake it than to tell everyone before the high-risk stages are over. We went through a miscarriage after telling some people and while it wasn't bad (for us) to have to tell everyone that it didn't work out, everyone's comfort level is different.

Worst case scenario is that people will (when they find out you're pregnant) react with mild feelings of betrayal regardless - a few of my wife's friends are single and they'll see it as losing a drinking friend permanently.. But, that just goes along with having kids. Mostly it'll be: Oooh yeah! You weren't drinking! Right! I was a dick for trying to get you to drink! And then they'll buy you baby sweaters and shit.

Congrats!
posted by jimmythefish at 7:17 AM on April 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

I just don't feel like drinking always works for me.
posted by Max Power at 7:21 AM on April 11

Tell them you've developed acid reflux and booze hurts your stomach.

Unfortunately for me, that's actually the case. :(
posted by radioamy at 7:34 AM on April 11

"I just found out alcoholism runs in my family, so I am gonna stick to my soda/water/juice/etc"
posted by icollectpurses at 7:46 AM on April 11

Umm...I'd actively advise against the 'alcoholism runs in my family' etc lies as it's now telling lies about two permanent things instead of just one. You're going to commit yourself to never drinking again? That's not good.
posted by jimmythefish at 7:52 AM on April 11 [3 favorites has favorites]

If you're out with someone already in the know (in my case, that meant my husband), you can pretty easily switch drinks so that you both start out with a drink and then occasionally, your accomplice and you switch drinks so that the accomplice is drinking your full glass and you get the accomplice's half-drank glass. But, as mentioned, selzer is a good option, too.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:00 AM on April 11

A friend in my ladies' drinking club fooled us all with talk of her 'ulcer' for months.
posted by amelioration at 8:11 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

For friends, why not just say you're *trying* to conceive, and you "just don't want to take any chances."? It'll give them a heads-up, and also allow you to talk about it without talking about it.
posted by for_serious at 8:16 AM on April 11 [9 favorites has favorites]

pwally - many women do not like to go public with a pregnancy until they are safely at the end of their first trimester, or twelve weeks.

and OP - elaborate lies are not required. Either "nurse" a drink like you've been doing, the seltzer trick, or juice can resemble a cocktail as well.

Besides, as the weeks go on, chances are your closest friends are going to pick up on it even in nondrinking situations. The glow is hard to contain :-)
posted by pinky at 8:16 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

When I was pregnant, I always ordered my own drink at the bar. I ordered a tonic water with lime and a dash of bitters. It looks like a real drink. If I couldn't order my own drinks at the bar, I said that I was driving...that always worked. The final thing that I did at a cocktail party was just hold a glass of wine in my hand and not drink it. I agree that while it might seem deceitful, it is definitely worth lying at this point. Congratulations!
posted by ms.v. at 8:16 AM on April 11

Or make it a 'virgin' so and so. That way you can tell people you are drinking a bloody mary without lying, you just don't tell them there isn't alcohol in it. (plus, the drink will be yummier and more interesting to you than something straight)
posted by Vaike at 8:21 AM on April 11

If & when your situation arises for me, I'm gonna develop a fondness for apple juice on the rocks.
posted by kestrel251 at 8:27 AM on April 11

Would that many people care if you're drinking or not? Lots of people don't drink alcohol for various reasons, just drink a water and I doubt that anyone will say anything. I find it hard to believe that anyone who's not a 21 year old college student would either notice or care that you're not drinking a beer.
posted by octothorpe at 8:31 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

Alcohol contains a lot of empty calories; could it be part of a "diet plan"?
posted by amtho at 8:45 AM on April 11

octothorpe: whenever a woman of child-bearing age who used to drink with colleagues/friends stops drinking, everyone IMMEDIATELY thinks pregnant. Even when the woman comes up with a 'valid' excuse.
The OP is trying to deflect those thoughts/comments.
posted by j at 8:47 AM on April 11

I find it hard to believe that anyone who's not a 21 year old college student would either notice or care that you're not drinking a beer.

Dude, mix an office and women (especially those who are mothers) and throw in someone even remotely in a position to get pregnant and they'll get hounded. I'm a 34-year-old guy who just got married last year and until people found out about our miscarriage if felt like I had people asking me almost daily whether my wife was pregnant yet. It's crazy. Hit your mid-30s and it's like some baby hurricane surrounding your life. It's weird. Not drinking is HUGE because drinking and going out for a bit (for the same demographic) is a massive symbolic, cathartic escape from diapers, puke etc. that, if you're not participating in, is a huge alarm bell. A little white lie about not feeling well instead of unleashing the premature pregnancy announcement is a solid strategy.
posted by jimmythefish at 8:58 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

You could always say that you're starting a new medicine and can't drink. Accutane is one that a couple of friends have taken time off drinking when they start (I think b/c it can fuck up your liver), and doesn't require concocting and serious illness to make plausible.
posted by mercredi at 9:19 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

"I just found out alcoholism runs in my family, so I am gonna stick to my soda/water/juice/etc"

Laughably unbelievable, since growing up with alcoholics kind of makes itself apparent early on.
posted by applemeat at 9:23 AM on April 11

octothorpe: whenever a woman of child-bearing age who used to drink with colleagues/friends stops drinking, everyone IMMEDIATELY thinks pregnant. Even when the woman comes up with a 'valid' excuse.

Right. So no one's going to believe her anyway. And then they'll be "right" when she eventually announces she's pregnant, and no 30-year-old women will be allowed to go on antidepressants or have actual stomach problems or whatever without their whole offices waggling their eyebrows and smirking knowingly at evening functions, forever and ever, amen.

Might as well go with "the cleanse."
posted by palliser at 9:46 AM on April 11

FYI, a virgin mojito looks just like a regular mojito. But if that's not a common drink in your social circle, be prepared to say, "Ugh, but he made it so weak; I can barely taste the alcohol!" if anyone wants to have a sip.
posted by xo at 9:51 AM on April 11

"I'm laying off the drinks for awhile."

I've said it (when it was true at face value) and people just nodded. Sometimes I would add: "to see what it's like."

I also think: "Not tonight, I'm driving." It's very simple and hard to counter.

Anything more elaborate won't work.
posted by argybarg at 9:55 AM on April 11

If you're already okay with dishonesty, I suppose some of these excuses would work quite nicely.
The last time I was charged, they installed a breathalizer in my car.
I have a resolution to drink less.
My liver is disappearing you guys.
I've drank so much that it's starting to lose its effect on me.
Sidenote, Pregnant & Social is a pretty awesome band name, if you're searching for one.
posted by thebellafonte at 10:16 AM on April 11

Disregard any answers from male posters giving you advice on what's worked for them. People will believe a man who says he's the designated driver or needs to give his liver a rest or is on antibiotics. They will not believe a woman.

I should know. I'm a woman, and I actually have been on antibiotics for about half of the last 6 months. Everyone I know has asked me at least once whether I'm pregnant. Several people have simply assumed that I'm pregnant and have launched right into discussions of what I'm going to do about it.

If you really don't want to deal with the questions, you're going to have to actively deceive people. Pretend to drink your beer, make deals with the bartender to make your mixed drinks virgin, etc. Or you could stop going out drinking, but that will come with questions of its own.

Our society is ridiculously nosy. There is no way to stop this. Get ready for your body to become public property, because people have no tact or sense of boundaries.
posted by decathecting at 10:19 AM on April 11 [4 favorites has favorites]

I vote for stomach bug. My sister-in-law used it at her bachelorette party (oops!) and I didn't catch on even with two kids of my own. It's a completely okay choice to not tell anyone you're pregnant until you want to. I didn't tell anybody either time until 12 weeks. It's a nice secret to share only with baby-daddy.
Congratulations and good luck to you!
posted by Breav at 10:25 AM on April 11

My wife and I got around the issue by swapping glasses every once in a while when we went out. I'd drink half my beer and trade her for her full beer. She'd take fake sips every once in a while, nobody seemed to notice. Any chance you can find a work friend to lend a hand for work situations?
posted by foodgeek at 10:27 AM on April 11

I used to tell people that "it messes with my blood sugar".

True, believable, and unquestionable.
posted by Drasher at 10:28 AM on April 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

"I bet my cousin $100 that I couldn't go without alcohol for two months and there's NO WAY I'm going to lose THAT bet!"
posted by VioletU at 11:10 AM on April 11 [3 favorites has favorites]

"I've been having a lot of urinary tract infections, and my doctor thinks booze might be causing them." This will lead to either an abrupt change of topic, or a really boring conversation and unsolicited advice about coffee, cranberry juice, vitamin C, sexual positions...
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:29 AM on April 11 [3 favorites has favorites]

You could feign some small recent injury, like a twisted ankle or dental work, and say you are buzzing pretty hard on some vicodin already. Nod off mid conversation for realistic effect.

Depending on the circumstances of the event and your personal tolerance, etc., you could say that you have other drinking plans later in the evening and want to pace yourself . Or you could pretend you have more serious plans later, like expecting an important phone call from a client, long-lost relative, etc.

Or maybe you have an athletic event early the next morning.

Or maybe you just started the Atkins (no carb) diet that prohibits alcohol.

Or you could sarcastically say, "Oh, I just caught a bad case of that human pregnancy bug going around..." and then jokingly laugh and change the subject.
posted by jameslavelle3 at 11:40 AM on April 11

"My doctor said I have a serious yeast infection and need to stay away from sugar and booze to prevent it from getting worse."

Sure to make people uncomfortable (blood fungus also works, same thing really, but yeast infection is worse sounding) and want to not ask any more questions.

Only downside is then you can't eat sugar, but hey, that's probably better for the baby anyway.

Congrats!
posted by anniek at 12:11 PM on April 11

Your close friends are going to notice the pattern eventually, but will hopefully be too polite to say anything.

For everyone else, excuses that I wouldn't personally blink at include antibiotics, UTI, and trying to avoid the empty calories. (Especially if you mention recent drinks casually, like recommending the bottle of wine you had with dinner last week or whatever.)
posted by desuetude at 12:38 PM on April 11

Ditto on saying that you're starting a low-carb diet. My friend who is very definitely not pregnant was having water at the bar last night for exactly that reason, and no one blinked... bikini season is on its way, after all.

I'd suggest saying "South Beach Diet" (what my friend is on) instead of "Atkins", though... either is known for having a no-alcohol induction phase, but South Beach is less restrictive and will get you fewer nosy lectures.
posted by Gianna at 12:57 PM on April 11

If you want to go with either acid-reflux or an ulcer, be prepared to talk about what you're doing for it since these are quite common problems people you now will have already had. For the former, you'd be taking a proton-pump inhibitor like Nexium, avoiding coffee, tea, alcohol, cigarettes, as well as aspirin, ibuprofen, and virtually any painkiller except paracetamol (Tylenol). For the latter you'd be on a brief course of antibiotics and doing all the above as well. You probably will have had a breath-test for H-pylori bacteria, possibly an upper-GI endoscopy. Nexium and similar drugs sometimes have side-effects (think feeling motion-sick for a few days while you adjust to it).

But I vote to keep being sneaky--or don't go out because you've "joined a gym" or whatever.
posted by K.P. at 1:09 PM on April 11

If you do the virgin drink thing, you really only have to have one drink per outing. Then you can combine it with the driving excuse. Like, "Oh, that mojito was really strong, and I have to drive tonight, so I'd better hold off."
posted by fructose at 4:19 PM on April 11

If your friends are hyper-conscious of not drinking as an indicator of pregnancy, unspecified stomach ailments will likely be interpreted as morning sickness.
posted by expialidocious at 4:29 PM on April 11

Diet seems like a good choice to me - either something like South Beach or Weight Watchers otherwise "I'm doing a detox diet, no alcohol"... Assuming of course that you're not also gorging yourself on pizza or something.
posted by sycophant at 5:15 PM on April 11

Our society is ridiculously nosy. There is no way to stop this. Get ready for your body to become public property, because people have no tact or sense of boundaries.

Genius! Right on. This is the perfect practice for the waggling eyebrows and smirking that will accompany all your decisions from now on, forever.
posted by palliser at 5:57 PM on April 11

Fill your beer bottle with water and drink. Repeat.
posted by Taurid at 8:25 PM on April 11

To a man: A subtle wince, then lean in and say quietly, "I've got a little female issue going on." (Less believable if you say this to a woman, but you could certainly be on an antifungal/antibiotic that would make this true.)
posted by lakeroon at 8:28 PM on April 11

For friends, why not just say you're *trying* to conceive

Please, no. Nobody wants to hear that, it's totally TMI.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:27 PM on April 11

why not say "I'm trying to save money"?
posted by almostwitty at 5:38 PM on April 13

why not say "I'm trying to save money"?

'Cause folks like me will buy her a round so that she won't feel left out.
posted by desuetude at 10:06 AM on April 14