When to share the baggage? When to keep it to yourself?
April 9, 2009 6:56 PM Subscribe
Should I tell my boyfriend about past abuse?
Six years ago, as a freshman in college, I ended a relationship after the man I was dating lashed out at me physically. He shoved, choked, and punched me. Afterwards, he told our mutual friends that he had ended the relationship, not me, because I had been unfaithful (not true, for what it's worth). For the most part, they believed him, and while they were civil to me I lost them as friends. It was a pretty painful time; after the attack he continued to follow and harass me for months afterward, and for quite some time I was in constant fear of seeing him again.
I did see a therapist, and feel that for the most part, I've put all this behind me. I don't think about it that often, and it doesn't affect my life now - most of the time. Sometimes, though, little things will happen that just trigger painful memories. For one, I cannot stand the feeling of anything around my neck. No panic attacks or anything, I just - don't feel normal. It's difficult to explain, and I hope I'm not sounding pathetic - I just know something's wrong.
So, my moral dilemma. My boyfriend & I have been together now for about a year and a half. I deeply love & care about this person. Occasionally, these...triggers occur, and while they don't necessarily hurt our relationship, I sometimes just wish I could explain myself. An example - we were riding bikes the other day, and I was wearing a new helmet. The strap kept pressing against my neck & chin and I started to feel more & more nervous, so I kept stopping & adjusting it. He became increasingly annoyed, and we ended the ride pissed off at each other.
Other things like this have happened. Occasionally, not often, I'm (in his mind) inexplicably sad or withdrawn. I know that it's because of something that's reminded me of what happened, but of course, he has no idea. I suppose I just want to be able to share an experience that colored so much of my earlier years. At the same time, though, I've worked to put the pain of all this behind me. I don't want to give any of that pain to someone else.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? If telling my current boyfriend about what happened is truly selfish, I do not want to do it. My intent is not to make myself feel better or relieve myself of some sort of burden. If the answer is to return to therapy, I'll do that (although what then - keep that a secret, too?). I just want to be known, flawed history, damaged goods & all.
Six years ago, as a freshman in college, I ended a relationship after the man I was dating lashed out at me physically. He shoved, choked, and punched me. Afterwards, he told our mutual friends that he had ended the relationship, not me, because I had been unfaithful (not true, for what it's worth). For the most part, they believed him, and while they were civil to me I lost them as friends. It was a pretty painful time; after the attack he continued to follow and harass me for months afterward, and for quite some time I was in constant fear of seeing him again.
I did see a therapist, and feel that for the most part, I've put all this behind me. I don't think about it that often, and it doesn't affect my life now - most of the time. Sometimes, though, little things will happen that just trigger painful memories. For one, I cannot stand the feeling of anything around my neck. No panic attacks or anything, I just - don't feel normal. It's difficult to explain, and I hope I'm not sounding pathetic - I just know something's wrong.
So, my moral dilemma. My boyfriend & I have been together now for about a year and a half. I deeply love & care about this person. Occasionally, these...triggers occur, and while they don't necessarily hurt our relationship, I sometimes just wish I could explain myself. An example - we were riding bikes the other day, and I was wearing a new helmet. The strap kept pressing against my neck & chin and I started to feel more & more nervous, so I kept stopping & adjusting it. He became increasingly annoyed, and we ended the ride pissed off at each other.
Other things like this have happened. Occasionally, not often, I'm (in his mind) inexplicably sad or withdrawn. I know that it's because of something that's reminded me of what happened, but of course, he has no idea. I suppose I just want to be able to share an experience that colored so much of my earlier years. At the same time, though, I've worked to put the pain of all this behind me. I don't want to give any of that pain to someone else.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? If telling my current boyfriend about what happened is truly selfish, I do not want to do it. My intent is not to make myself feel better or relieve myself of some sort of burden. If the answer is to return to therapy, I'll do that (although what then - keep that a secret, too?). I just want to be known, flawed history, damaged goods & all.
successful relationships involve communication, and so because this is important to you, and also something that can and has directly affected him, you need to tell your boyfriend because he deserves to know. it's better that he knows up front that there are things that trigger you into whatever, rather than just thinking you might be angry at him—that way just lies pain and sadness for the both of you. keeping it in doesn't mean less pain, it means more.
posted by lia at 7:01 PM on April 9, 2009
posted by lia at 7:01 PM on April 9, 2009
It's been a year and a half and you love him? Just tell him. You're not asking for pity or therapy-- you're explaining a very important part of yourself to him.
posted by availablelight at 7:02 PM on April 9, 2009
posted by availablelight at 7:02 PM on April 9, 2009
You can explain that you have some issues with anxiety and sadness (whether you decide to seek therapy again or not) without explaining the details of why.
But based on your last sentence, I think maybe you should think about therapy to help you allow yourself to feel entitled to be happy.
posted by desuetude at 7:04 PM on April 9, 2009
But based on your last sentence, I think maybe you should think about therapy to help you allow yourself to feel entitled to be happy.
posted by desuetude at 7:04 PM on April 9, 2009
I'm really sorry this happened to you - it sounds like a terrifying and infuriating experience. I hope (and it sounds like) you're aware that none of these people you 'lost as friends' are worth your time for a minute. Yes, tell him, and tell him to try his best not o think of you as damaged goods, because you're not. You're strong now, and you were strong then when you left the mother*****r. But yes, there are triggers, and evidently not too many or it would have become an issue much sooner.
I would start by telling him there's something you need to share with him, giving as much of an explanation as you feel is necessary, and explaining that as a result, there are still sensations or situations that make you uncomfortable. For example, things around your neck - so hey, just be aware that you have to make small adjustments for your comfort some times. You're not irreparably screwed up, and he doesn't need to treat you as thought you're made of delicate porcelain, but you thought he should know this. Does he have any questions? Good. Then move on.
posted by namesarehard at 7:06 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I would start by telling him there's something you need to share with him, giving as much of an explanation as you feel is necessary, and explaining that as a result, there are still sensations or situations that make you uncomfortable. For example, things around your neck - so hey, just be aware that you have to make small adjustments for your comfort some times. You're not irreparably screwed up, and he doesn't need to treat you as thought you're made of delicate porcelain, but you thought he should know this. Does he have any questions? Good. Then move on.
posted by namesarehard at 7:06 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
Goodness yes you should tell him. It's part of your story, part of who you are.
I was in the grocery store with my husband last week and he was walking behind me pushing the cart. It was triggering for me and made me feel like my throat was closing down. This doesn't happen often, but when it does I can say, "Honey, for some reason that's triggering - can I walk behind you?" and he's able to care for me and I'm able to care for myself. The episode passes as quickly as it arrives. Imagine if I just had to hold it in.
You are not responsible for protecting your boyfriend from your suffering. Telling him allows him to really know you. You make it sound like you had an affair and don't know whether to burden him with the knowledge. That's not the case. You didn't do anything wrong. And yes, you worked hard to get through the trauma, but that doesn't mean you can't talk about it and it doesn't mean it won't still impact you.
I think you might need therapy but not to continue to suffer silently, but to figure out how to stop suffering silently. Tell him. Soon.
posted by orsonet at 7:08 PM on April 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
I was in the grocery store with my husband last week and he was walking behind me pushing the cart. It was triggering for me and made me feel like my throat was closing down. This doesn't happen often, but when it does I can say, "Honey, for some reason that's triggering - can I walk behind you?" and he's able to care for me and I'm able to care for myself. The episode passes as quickly as it arrives. Imagine if I just had to hold it in.
You are not responsible for protecting your boyfriend from your suffering. Telling him allows him to really know you. You make it sound like you had an affair and don't know whether to burden him with the knowledge. That's not the case. You didn't do anything wrong. And yes, you worked hard to get through the trauma, but that doesn't mean you can't talk about it and it doesn't mean it won't still impact you.
I think you might need therapy but not to continue to suffer silently, but to figure out how to stop suffering silently. Tell him. Soon.
posted by orsonet at 7:08 PM on April 9, 2009 [4 favorites]
Read carefully, please:
You're not "damaged goods" with a "flawed history" because some asshole tried to choke you once. That makes zero sense.
A great many people have been attacked at least once in their lives, many of them quite horribly and repeatedly. This does not make you some kind of freak. It just means that just like everyone else, you live in a world in which some other people are bad human beings.
So as for coping now... if your boyfriend touches your neck* and it makes you uncomfortable, just say "I never told you, but some asshole tried to choke me once a long time ago... so I'm sort of paranoid about my neck... it fucks up my head a little when anyone touches it, which sort of ruins my mood.... so can you, like, not do that? I'd feel way more comfortable."
* or whatever the triggers are.
posted by rokusan at 7:15 PM on April 9, 2009 [11 favorites]
You're not "damaged goods" with a "flawed history" because some asshole tried to choke you once. That makes zero sense.
A great many people have been attacked at least once in their lives, many of them quite horribly and repeatedly. This does not make you some kind of freak. It just means that just like everyone else, you live in a world in which some other people are bad human beings.
So as for coping now... if your boyfriend touches your neck* and it makes you uncomfortable, just say "I never told you, but some asshole tried to choke me once a long time ago... so I'm sort of paranoid about my neck... it fucks up my head a little when anyone touches it, which sort of ruins my mood.... so can you, like, not do that? I'd feel way more comfortable."
* or whatever the triggers are.
posted by rokusan at 7:15 PM on April 9, 2009 [11 favorites]
I definitely think you should tell him. I think your relationship will benefit from being open and honest, even if you choose to keep some of the details to yourself. If someone cares about you deeply, I cannot help but think that they would be glad to be trusted with this sort of personal information about your past.
What I think would help is trying to find a time to have the conversation when you're both somewhat relaxed or at ease, with some time to spare. Having a discussion like this when you're already tense from one of the bike rides you described, has a possibility of someone getting upset, taking something the wrong way, or some other misunderstanding. Choosing a time when you're both able to focus and aren't distracted by something big helps to make sure that you can think and speak clearly, and that he is listening.
Make it clear the reasons you are telling him, why you had not in the past, and that you do not think it is a problem that is affecting your life in a major way at the moment. If you're looking for understanding or a little more patience rather than pity, I would say that is something you'd want to articulate as well.
Whether you need to return to your therapist or not is something I think you need to evaluate, and may even wish to do with your boyfriend. A calm conversation can definitely go a long way, though, in helping balance out some of these issues, I think.
I hope you can get this resolved one way or another so that you and your boyfriend are satisfied.
posted by iarerach at 7:22 PM on April 9, 2009
What I think would help is trying to find a time to have the conversation when you're both somewhat relaxed or at ease, with some time to spare. Having a discussion like this when you're already tense from one of the bike rides you described, has a possibility of someone getting upset, taking something the wrong way, or some other misunderstanding. Choosing a time when you're both able to focus and aren't distracted by something big helps to make sure that you can think and speak clearly, and that he is listening.
Make it clear the reasons you are telling him, why you had not in the past, and that you do not think it is a problem that is affecting your life in a major way at the moment. If you're looking for understanding or a little more patience rather than pity, I would say that is something you'd want to articulate as well.
Whether you need to return to your therapist or not is something I think you need to evaluate, and may even wish to do with your boyfriend. A calm conversation can definitely go a long way, though, in helping balance out some of these issues, I think.
I hope you can get this resolved one way or another so that you and your boyfriend are satisfied.
posted by iarerach at 7:22 PM on April 9, 2009
A year and half? Yeah, you can tell him.
This isn't the kind of thing you would want to bring up on a first date, but if you're exchanging "the big 3", you should be in a position to talk about stuff like this.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 7:25 PM on April 9, 2009
This isn't the kind of thing you would want to bring up on a first date, but if you're exchanging "the big 3", you should be in a position to talk about stuff like this.
posted by JuiceBoxHero at 7:25 PM on April 9, 2009
My heart goes out to you.
By telling him your not being "selfish", but what you are being is open and honest. I'm sure you'd want and expect the same from him if the situation were reversed. If hes any type of guy at all, he'll understand and help you cope. Telling him will also help him understand you better. Thats ( your ordeal) a huge burden to bear by yourself. I'm sure he'd rather be told now, than possibly finding out later that you didn't.
Tell him. The sooner the better for the two of you. IMO.
posted by Taurid at 7:29 PM on April 9, 2009
By telling him your not being "selfish", but what you are being is open and honest. I'm sure you'd want and expect the same from him if the situation were reversed. If hes any type of guy at all, he'll understand and help you cope. Telling him will also help him understand you better. Thats ( your ordeal) a huge burden to bear by yourself. I'm sure he'd rather be told now, than possibly finding out later that you didn't.
Tell him. The sooner the better for the two of you. IMO.
posted by Taurid at 7:29 PM on April 9, 2009
If someone I loved had gone through this, I would want to know. (I would so want to know, for so many reasons: for the possibility that my knowing would lend them comfort; for the possibility that my knowing would spare them discomfort when they flashed back on it in my presence; for the possibility that my knowing would lend me understanding at times when they most needed it). And I would feel so honored and so moved by their decision to confide in me. And I would feel...blessed, I want to say (although that sounds odd coming from my non-religious mouth), because in a way it would be a privilege: to be able to know this most painful part of their past would lend a new dimension to my love for them.
It sounds like you've gotten to the point where you want to tell him. If it's hard for you, preface your discussion by saying that. But yes, tell him. If he loves you, there is no doubt in my mind that this knowledge will only add to that love an even deeper degree of intimacy and understanding.
posted by artemisia at 7:35 PM on April 9, 2009
It sounds like you've gotten to the point where you want to tell him. If it's hard for you, preface your discussion by saying that. But yes, tell him. If he loves you, there is no doubt in my mind that this knowledge will only add to that love an even deeper degree of intimacy and understanding.
posted by artemisia at 7:35 PM on April 9, 2009
My intent is not to make myself feel better or relieve myself of some sort of burden.
Why not?
posted by footnote at 7:45 PM on April 9, 2009 [8 favorites]
Why not?
posted by footnote at 7:45 PM on April 9, 2009 [8 favorites]
My roommate had to tell her boyfriend (my close friend) that her uncle sexually abused her for years when she was a child. I don't know how it affected their sex life but I do know it made them closer and he never considered it a burden. In fact, he showed her a great deal of love and support and started reconsidering his own behaviour as well (as it relates to inappropriate sex jokes and so on).
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:37 PM on April 9, 2009
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:37 PM on April 9, 2009
If I were him, I would want to hear this. When I'm in love with someone, I'm on their side and want to know anything that might be bothering. I know also that guys can want to "fix" things, so make it clear where he can help and where you alone must carry the load.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:04 PM on April 9, 2009
posted by Ironmouth at 9:04 PM on April 9, 2009
I would bet a ton that your boyfriend would like to know this and will be extremely understanding.
posted by Nattie at 10:20 PM on April 9, 2009
posted by Nattie at 10:20 PM on April 9, 2009
Tell him; he's likely wondering about your already evident responses to those triggers, and explaining what had happened to you will probably be an immense relief to him.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:25 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by darth_tedious at 11:25 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think that not telling about this sort of thing is ok only if it doesn't affect the relationship. And that's clearly not the case here. It sounds like you want to tell him, and you've been together long enough that it wouldn't seem like too much too soon. It may be hard for both of you, but he's probably already aware that there's something you're not telling him, and it will probably be a relief to get it out in the open.
posted by number9dream at 12:38 AM on April 10, 2009
posted by number9dream at 12:38 AM on April 10, 2009
There is nothing selfish about telling your partner how you're feeling.
posted by koeselitz at 5:21 AM on April 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by koeselitz at 5:21 AM on April 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
I haven't been abused but I do have panic disorder, and I would react exactly the same way to something tight around my neck or on my face.* It made my husband really anxious when he didn't know what's going on. He started thinking he'd done something wrong. It created distance between us. When I was diagnosed with panic disorder, things made a lot more sense to him, and he was able to support me. Tell him.
*My husband put his hand loosely over my mouth the other day, just as a joke, and I flipped the fuck out.
posted by desjardins at 8:11 AM on April 10, 2009
*My husband put his hand loosely over my mouth the other day, just as a joke, and I flipped the fuck out.
posted by desjardins at 8:11 AM on April 10, 2009
One of the most important things about a relationship is having a person you can be open with. You need to feel safe revealing parts of yourself to your boyfriend - not everything, not all at once, but if you feel like you are hiding things or holding yourself back, you are going to eventually be unhappy in the relationship. A partner isn't a replacement for therapy or anything, but still, for basic sharing, venting, and opening up, a partner is usually the first stop.
SOmetimes a thing seems like no big deal, something behind you that you don't care about anymore, but then when you can't talk about it becomes larger - I had something like that with my current SO for a couple weeks about 6 months in, about something from ages ago, and it bugged me for a bit until finally I just had the conversation. It turned out to be no big deal, and we pretty much never talked about it after that unless it specifically came up, but it stopped bothering me. So this issue could be looming larger because you're feeling a divide between you grow.
posted by mdn at 9:04 AM on April 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
SOmetimes a thing seems like no big deal, something behind you that you don't care about anymore, but then when you can't talk about it becomes larger - I had something like that with my current SO for a couple weeks about 6 months in, about something from ages ago, and it bugged me for a bit until finally I just had the conversation. It turned out to be no big deal, and we pretty much never talked about it after that unless it specifically came up, but it stopped bothering me. So this issue could be looming larger because you're feeling a divide between you grow.
posted by mdn at 9:04 AM on April 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
One thing to consider is that when you're upset or freaking out, and your boyfriend has no idea what's wrong, it's probably pretty frustrating to him. I think we've all been in the situation where someone is obviously upset and you ask them what's wrong and they say "Nothing!" They don't want to dump all their baggage on you, but you can obviously see something is up, and all sorts of thoughts go through your mind; "Did I do something wrong? What's wrong? Why won't they tell me?"
It can actually be selfish not to tell someone what's going on with you.
To add on to desjardins, I wasn't abused, but I have Tourette Syndrome, and I occasionally have all-consuming full-body seizure-lookin' tics where my eyes squeeze shut, I stop breathing, my heart freaks out, and I'm so busy dealing with the fact that my body is rebelling against me that I get really nervous about being touched. I worry I'm going to hit whoever is touching me, and when my boyfriend approaches me I flinch and back away and hold my hands up and say DONT, DON'T, DON'T because I can't choke out DON'T TOUCH ME and generally behave like a pathetic little wounded animal. And he wants to comfort me, so he touches me anyway, which just makes me even more flinchy.
What if I had never told him I had Tourette Syndrome, so he had no idea why I was so obviously in pain? What if I hadn't sat him down and explained to him when I wasn't ticcing that, yes, I really do need you to not touch me, it's nothing against you, I love touching you, it's just in certain situations it freaks me out? He's probably be really concerned and keep touching me when I needed him to just let me be until I calm down, which isn't healthy for either of us.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:16 AM on April 10, 2009
It can actually be selfish not to tell someone what's going on with you.
To add on to desjardins, I wasn't abused, but I have Tourette Syndrome, and I occasionally have all-consuming full-body seizure-lookin' tics where my eyes squeeze shut, I stop breathing, my heart freaks out, and I'm so busy dealing with the fact that my body is rebelling against me that I get really nervous about being touched. I worry I'm going to hit whoever is touching me, and when my boyfriend approaches me I flinch and back away and hold my hands up and say DONT, DON'T, DON'T because I can't choke out DON'T TOUCH ME and generally behave like a pathetic little wounded animal. And he wants to comfort me, so he touches me anyway, which just makes me even more flinchy.
What if I had never told him I had Tourette Syndrome, so he had no idea why I was so obviously in pain? What if I hadn't sat him down and explained to him when I wasn't ticcing that, yes, I really do need you to not touch me, it's nothing against you, I love touching you, it's just in certain situations it freaks me out? He's probably be really concerned and keep touching me when I needed him to just let me be until I calm down, which isn't healthy for either of us.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:16 AM on April 10, 2009
You should feel completely comfortable telling your SO about your feelings. That's what SO's are for.
I did see a therapist, and feel that for the most part, I've put all this behind me.
No, you haven't. At all.
It sounds like you've "seen a therapist" the way someone who once walked into a karate school has "learned karate". Therapy is often an ongoing thing, and accepting your past and moving on ("putting it all behind you") can take years. Clearly you still have serious issues about what happened. And those issues are almost certainly related to childhood trauma, but that's just a guess based on how you handle physical abuse.
I recommend more therapy, but further recommend some sort of couples counseling. If you really love this guy, you should feel WAY more comfortable sharing with him, and he should know that you don't.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:53 PM on April 10, 2009
I did see a therapist, and feel that for the most part, I've put all this behind me.
No, you haven't. At all.
It sounds like you've "seen a therapist" the way someone who once walked into a karate school has "learned karate". Therapy is often an ongoing thing, and accepting your past and moving on ("putting it all behind you") can take years. Clearly you still have serious issues about what happened. And those issues are almost certainly related to childhood trauma, but that's just a guess based on how you handle physical abuse.
I recommend more therapy, but further recommend some sort of couples counseling. If you really love this guy, you should feel WAY more comfortable sharing with him, and he should know that you don't.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:53 PM on April 10, 2009
I have been in a similar situation, though not to the same degree as you. During a week-long high school field trip, after seeing a play an acquaintance offered to escort me back to my dorm, but on the way twisted my arm behind my back, pushed me up against a wall, and forcibly kissed and groped me. I had never felt so terrified, and couldn't move or scream. Thankfully, a security guard walked by, and he let me go. The next day, the dude passed me on the street and said "Hey there" while I was with a group of friends, and I didn't say anything back to him. He continued to solicit my attention and I continued to ignore him, and the group I was with thought I was just being a bitch.
Fast forward two years, and I am in a relationship with a wonderful, loving guy. I have been to therapy and talked about the assault, but don't learn anything I didn't already know: it wasn't my fault, I don't have to explain myself to others, etc. But even knowing that I would still flinch if my boyfriend held my wrists too tightly or would sometimes become withdrawn in the way you describe.
Eventually I just told him, and I am really glad I did. I wasn't particularly pleased with the way he reacted (He didn't say much of anything, asked if I thought he would do something like that, and then when I said no, acted as if the situation had been resolved). But once I had told him, I felt much more comfortable in the relationship and better able to explain my feelings.
What I'm trying to say is, tell him. He might not react as exactly as you might like, but at least it will give you a vocabulary you can use to describe your feelings, and allow him to understand and not get frustrated when they change suddenly. For me personally, time and distance helped much more than therapy, but it's still useful. Best of luck in getting through everything.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 8:09 AM on April 11, 2009
Fast forward two years, and I am in a relationship with a wonderful, loving guy. I have been to therapy and talked about the assault, but don't learn anything I didn't already know: it wasn't my fault, I don't have to explain myself to others, etc. But even knowing that I would still flinch if my boyfriend held my wrists too tightly or would sometimes become withdrawn in the way you describe.
Eventually I just told him, and I am really glad I did. I wasn't particularly pleased with the way he reacted (He didn't say much of anything, asked if I thought he would do something like that, and then when I said no, acted as if the situation had been resolved). But once I had told him, I felt much more comfortable in the relationship and better able to explain my feelings.
What I'm trying to say is, tell him. He might not react as exactly as you might like, but at least it will give you a vocabulary you can use to describe your feelings, and allow him to understand and not get frustrated when they change suddenly. For me personally, time and distance helped much more than therapy, but it's still useful. Best of luck in getting through everything.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 8:09 AM on April 11, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:00 PM on April 9, 2009