Go away!

April 7, 2009 12:17 PM

His ex is driving me nuts. Can I ask her to butt out? (long and sort of convoluted)

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year. Prior to that, he'd been single for a year, after breaking up with a woman after 5 years, basically because she drove him nuts, made him feel awful about himself, and wanted things that he just didn't want.

We are, I'm confident, very happy with our relationship.

Here's the thing... Mr. Right met both ex and I in a creative, professional community that we all still participate in. So even though he and ex are broken up, they still see each other, and he feels an obligation to make nice to her in the professional setting. She, in turn, sees that as an opportunity to call our apartment to chat whenever she feels like it, spread rumors that I stole him from her (um, they had been broken up a year!), invite him out with her (he always says no)... etc. This is a woman who locked herself in Mr. Right's apartment the night she found out I was dating him, and only left when he threatened to call the cops.

I have a professional presentation coming up in a few weeks, and I would like her not to be there, for my own personal sanity. Mr. Right says that it's a public presentation (it is) and she can come if she wants.

How do either suck it up and be the bigger person, or confront her myself and ask her not to come?

posted by roomthreeseventeen to human relations (29 comments total)

roomthreeseventeen: How do either suck it up and be the bigger person, or confront her myself and ask her not to come?

No no - you have this backwards. You suck it up, be the bigger person, and pretend you don't care that she's there. Anything is else is petty and childish, and (more importantly) makes you look crazy.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:21 PM on April 7 [7 favorites]

You can't ask her not to come. That would look ridiculous and petty. Nor should you ask your boyfriend to ask her not to come. Just ignore her and be the bigger person.

But at some point you may want to talk to your boyfriend about his continued friendliness with her when she is obviously a little crazy and he knows that it upsets you.
posted by meerkatty at 12:23 PM on April 7 [2 favorites]

Seconding DarlingBri, plus, realize if she pulls teh crazy in public, then she's the crazy one, not you. You take the high road and let her self-destruct if she so chooses.
posted by acorncup at 12:27 PM on April 7

It's a power thing and by feeding into her crazy, you're encouraging her to continue. She's getting a reaction from you. So stop giving her any other reaction than "meh" and hopefully she'll get bored and tire herself out. Let her dig her own crazy grave. The more rumors and weirdness she engages in will serve you well: those who know all of you will understand her behavior is nuts and your pattern of "meh" will demonstrate your sanity.

2nding meerkatty. Have a chat with BF about how his ex's calls bother you. He should be sensitive to your feelings and be willing to tell her to stop calling altogether.
posted by December at 12:29 PM on April 7

Follow up to December and meerkatty.... I've had the conversation several times with the boyfriend. He won't tell her to stop calling, for fear of her retaliation.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:30 PM on April 7

...and ask her not to come?

Do that and she'll smell your blood in the water.

Never admit weakness to a predator, it'll just draw them in quicker.
posted by codswallop at 12:31 PM on April 7 [21 favorites]

No no - you have this backwards. You suck it up, be the bigger person, and pretend you don't care that she's there. Anything is else is petty and childish, and (more importantly) makes you look crazy.

yes exactly this

but also, if anyone should talk to her about her behaviour, it should be Mr. Right. She's still trying to have the same hold on him as she did when they were going out - it's time for him to say - this isn't cool, please back off. I don't really think that it would be appropriate for him to ask her not to go to your presentation, but he could certainly let her know that he'd like her to stop calling and trying to involve herself in your relationship. Polite but firm is the way to go. (And she locked herself in his apartment? I hope he's changed the locks since then...)
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:32 PM on April 7

spread rumors that I stole him from her

Possession is 9/10 of the law, and moreso in relationships. If he's happy with you, and you're happy with him, there was no "stealing" that happened. The people who hear her talk of this probably also know that you and he have been together happily for a year now, and shrug their shoulders.

Boyfriend needs to get firm with her and explain that her behavior is utterly unacceptable. If he legitimately fears retaliation beyond strong words, then there are probably issues that need to be discussed with a couple of officers in blue uniforms. Or men in white uniforms, if she's really that crazy.
posted by explosion at 12:34 PM on April 7

Ah...that sucks re BF being unwilling to tell her to stop calling. Obviously I don't know the whole story, but if BF's putting his own and his ex's feelings ahead of yours, that's something to think about, too.

But yeah...you can't ask her not to come. If she's prone to retaliation, denying her access would just ratchet things up.
posted by December at 12:34 PM on April 7 [1 favorite]

Mr.Right should become Mr.Reality and tell her to essentially f*ck off. Polite but firm is the politically correct way to do it, but I think some insane people really don't get that. She obviously isn't paying any attention to your signals so far.
posted by Frasermoo at 12:38 PM on April 7

expolsion, not legal retaliation, just "it would put her on the warpath" and "make our lives very unpleasant"
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:39 PM on April 7

Is there any reason he actually needs to tell her to stop calling and can't just quit answering her calls? He could still be polite to her in public, and excuse things with "Oh, we've been so busy..."
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 12:42 PM on April 7 [1 favorite]

I've had really good results by being SUPER nice to the crazy person. Like ridiculously nice. It's all superficial, sure, but it makes the crazy person look crazier when you're super nice to her (and make sure you don't EVER say anything bad about her to anyone, except maybe your boyfriend) and she's the bitch who spreads rumors. People believe what they're shown. If you show them that you're above it all, that you're being the bigger person, they won't believe the crap she throws around.

And keep telling the boyfriend that you are uncomfortable with her friendliness. If nothing else, you'll make your feelings known.
posted by cooker girl at 12:45 PM on April 7 [3 favorites]

He won't tell her to stop calling, for fear of her retaliation.

Between this and description that when they dated she "made him feel awful about himself," it sounds like there may have been some emotional abuse going on. Being unwilling to assert healthy boundaries in how someone else treats you because you're afraid of them punishing you or retaliating is a big honking sign of an abusive relationship.

I bring this up because if she had been physically abusive, it would probably be clearer to him (and to you) that he needs to (1) break off contact with her, even if he's afraid of her retaliation, and (2) possibly get some professional help dealing with the emotional after-effects of being in an abusive relationship.

If this was a relationship with an abusive dynamic, it's not surprising that he's not standing up to her--people find it hard to leave those relationships precisely because of their fear of how their (ex-)partner will react. (The difference between "coming after me with her fists" and "go on the warpath and make our lives unpleasant" is one of degree, not kind.) In the short term for this presentation, I think you definitely need to 'meh' her and not feed into her crazy, but I think you should encourage your boyfriend to start talking to someone--a therapist, a domestic abuse hotline, someone who is familiar with this dynamic and how to break out of it--so he can start to come to terms with his fear of her retaliation and start strategizing how to break out of it once and for all.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:47 PM on April 7 [4 favorites]

He wants to "make nice to her in the professional setting" and then tolerates her calling your shared apartment frequently?

Does not compute.

Seconding peanut_mcgillicuty - why not just let her calls go to voicemail and not return them? Why does he have to talk to her? Because she will be "on the warpath" and "making [your] lives very unpleasant"? What could she do beyond spreading rumours (which will make her look bad) or causing a scene in public (which will make her look bad) or causing a scene privately (which warrants involving the police)?

This sounds very dramatic and yet I feel certiain that whatever she's threatened will not come to pass.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:50 PM on April 7 [2 favorites]

Wait, is this the 59-year old from this thread?
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:52 PM on April 7 [1 favorite]

roomthreeseventeen: I've had the conversation several times with the boyfriend. He won't tell her to stop calling, for fear of her retaliation. ...expolsion, not legal retaliation, just "it would put her on the warpath" and "make our lives very unpleasant"

Well, sometimes life is unpleasant. But this is his problem to deal with; he needs to have a talk with her. Seriously, I think you guys are not estimating this correctly; for reference, here's how it works:

She's been making your lives hell for a year. This will go on until you do something. The explosion is unfortunate to contemplate, but you have to contemplate it precisely because an explosion is preferable to years and years of this shit. And at this point, after a year of dealing with this and fully two years since she and him dated, she's pretty much demonstrated to all involved that this will go on as long as she can keep it up. Think about that long and hard, and then think about how much nicer it'll be to have her yell at you for a few minutes or to have to call the cops on her once or twice than it would be to have her hanging over your head for a significant part of your future life. He may be afraid of having to do this, but he has to; you certainly can't, since she's just aching to see this as a catfight between equals for a prized male, which this is most certainly not. She needs to hear him say, "ex, this is not working. You have to stop calling, you have to stop spreading rumors, and you have to stop making life hard for me. Me and my girlfriend."

Besides, don't you see? You want her to flip out and do something crazy. When she flips out and does something crazy, that's when you get to shrug your shoulders and call the cops whenever she calls or visits; that's when you'll have free license to tell people, "oh, I thought we were getting along great, but then she just went nuts... I never saw it coming, but let me know if she says anything insane about us, will you?" That's when it becomes clear that you're a victim, and it is likely that the people around you will help at least a little to distance her from you.
posted by koeselitz at 1:00 PM on April 7 [6 favorites]

By the way, I implied this above, but I want to say it; any time you communicate with her, it should be in a public place where anyone could overhear. He should follow the same rule. It will make things easier. And when he has his little talk with her, it should eliminate a few of the more dire possibilities as far as her reaction goes.
posted by koeselitz at 1:01 PM on April 7

@ cranberrymonger... yes.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:03 PM on April 7

Ignore her, be "nice" to her, yes. But tell your boyfriend to stop being a big baby: he needs to tell her to quit calling him when and where it's inappropriate.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:04 PM on April 7

Oh, he's way too old for that crap. Life is too short (shorter for him) to play that game. I agree with all above, you can't tell her not to come but you two do not need to be warm to her in any context. Calls go to voicemail. You are too busy to chat, ever. The police are but a phone call away. You two are either serious about moving forward together or you're just dating. Maybe make that decision together and disentangle yourselves from this woman. Some people really like the attention of an ex pining for them whether they admit that or not. But, it's childish and isn't good for a healthy relationship. Good luck. Keep on high-roading it but watch out for yourself, too.
posted by amanda at 1:31 PM on April 7 [3 favorites]

Oh, amanda has a good point. If she treated him poorly in the past, his ego may be benefiting from having her chase him around, even if he finds it pesky in other ways.

This is his responsibility and though you can't ask her not to come to your presentation, you are totally justified in asking him to make a firmer stance.
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:36 PM on April 7

Your manfriend really needs to nut up here. He's too old to be pushed around like this. And moreover, he needs to get serious about where you two are headed one way or the other. It's either forward with you or he's hanging on to the past and her.

It seems like for the last however long years, Miss Ex has beaten him down and knows how to manipulate him. I get that he's attempting to be professional, but he can't keep encouraging her by taking her calls. He needs to seriously put her at professional arm's length, as do you. Both of you need to limit your exposure to her.

From now on, you're both too busy to chat. Take the answering machine off the home phone line ("Damn thing just died and we haven't had time to get a new one. So busy, you know how it is.") Give everyone else who matters your cell numbers or email addresses as primary means of contact. If she needs to get in touch with you, give her a crap throwaway email address (Might I suggest "[e-mail]" so she knows its a joint account?) and then don't check the account often.

Conversations that do happen in person need only be brief and only about professional matters. You take the high road and be the better woman. Don't let her see this is affecting you in any way. You're happy and confident in your relationship and enjoying life. I suspect Miss Ex is hoping the stress she's causing and the constant involvement in your everyday lives is going to create problems for you and the manfriend.

Your home life and relationship need to be priority over any professional relationship with Miss Ex and your manfriend needs to be on board with that.
posted by jerseygirl at 1:41 PM on April 7 [2 favorites]

Besides, don't you see? You want her to flip out and do something crazy. When she flips out and does something crazy, that's when you get to shrug your shoulders and call the cops

I agree with this, except that she doesn't want this to happen at her public presentation. People being the way they are, a young woman whose partner's ex has a meltdown at a professional event is going to be gossiped about forever, and not in a complimentary way. If this happened to a guy, it would redound on the melting-down ex and maybe on the partner; the unfortunate truth is that if it happens to a woman, she will be criticized for letting her personal life interfere with her professional responsibilities.

So I'm voting for the "kill her with kindness" at the presentation, and then take your partner to the woodshed and institute a "no contact" policy. Get caller ID and send her calls to voicemail. Or you answer them and kill her with more kindness, but partner is NEVER available.

Either she will get the message or she will flip the fuck out. If she flips the fuck out, maybe that will be the wakeup call your partner needs to understand that she is a toxic person who needs to be out of both of your lives for good.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:03 PM on April 7

Nthing this: Mr. Right needs to stop answering her calls.
posted by fructose at 3:10 PM on April 7

Boyfriend is 59 years old. He dated crazy other woman for 5 years prior to his 1 year break up. He will not "nut up" or stop answering calls or suddenly be Mr. Right and Mr. Tough Guy. He would have done that by now if he had it in him. So, you need to follow the advice about being especially nice. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:16 PM on April 7

I was all set to chime in agreeing with those who said he should "man up" and tell her to buzz off, until iminurmefi pointed out about how it sounded like an abusive relationship, and that's when it all clicked -- yeah, ideally he should, but it sounds like she really did a number on him and that's why he hasn't yet. And -- okay, I've been there, and I can relate to that.

But SOMETHING needs to happen, so I'd suggest non-engagement, on both your parts. Be professional to her if you meet her in public, but...screen your calls so you don't have to talk to her in person. It's not a confrontation -- in fact, it's avoiding it. She'll have nothing to push against. It will take a little while, but she should give up in time.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:33 PM on April 7

Ask your boyfriend to ask her out to lunch on the same day and time you're giving your presentation. True this means he won't be able to attend either but perhaps this isn't as important as not having her there would be. Then when they're at lunch someplace far away from your presentation, he should tell her that this is the last real conversation / contact he will have with her and that she should say her peace to him one final time and then butt out of your lives. If he refuses, the problem isn't with her, it's with him.
posted by hazyjane at 10:59 PM on April 7

I'm watching Jeopardy so forgive me if this reads like, Alex: "The answer, Ambient2," roomthreeseventeen, "What is 'who peed in my Wheaties?' Alex: "correct; select again."

Feels like more than one person is manipulating/being manipulated--Mr. Right and you by Mr. Right. Putting aside speculation, he darn sure ain't handling this well or close.

On some level conscious or otherwise, he is driven by and benefiting (unhealthily) from the thought that laying down the law with the ex is not the best choice or the least-bad one. If he really, truly wanted to sort this out, it would have been sorted some time ago.

It'd be disturbing if the guy has never thought on his own, "This is not healthy for me and it's reasonably upsetting my lovely girlfriend (and how lucky I am to have a gal who's almost young enough to be my granddaughter?!!?) so, much as there may be some short-term turbulence, the long-term gain will be tremendous--for me, my gal and our relationship.

"I better grow a pair and come to grips with this."

But even if he hasn't the point's been made clear and it sounds like it's been made clear more than once.

Sho nuff, Mr. Right is never Mr. Perfect, but I'm not sure I believe the, "There would be an explosion" line. Clearly The Big Conversation with ex could and should include at least one clear, polite statement that much as it would be unfortunate and not easy, he will do what it takes to stop this, to include involving law enforcement if there is no realistic option, that it's an option he deeply wishes to avoid, but is no less committed to if there's no alternative to making this stop.

If the guy can't or won't come to terms with this firmly and quickly, me thinks it raises serious questions about who should be who's ex.
posted by ambient2 at 12:50 AM on April 8