Pregnancy after miscarriage - how do I cope?
April 6, 2009 10:42 AM Subscribe
How do I deal with this pregnancy, after a recent miscarriage?
Almost three months ago, an echo (at 9 weeks) showed I had a 'missed abortion' and a couple of days later, I had a miscarriage. It would have been our first child and my husband and I felt devastated. I know this happens a lot, and somehow it helps, but it still hurts, obviously.
Last week, I found out that I'm pregnant again. We still want children, a lot, and it's very very welcome. But because of my earlier pregnancy, I'm extremely insecure and frightened. Rationally, I know that the chance of having another miscarriage is small. But even that knowledge doesn't make things easier (if anything, it makes me even feel a bit guilty for worrying so much...).
Right now, I have the same symptoms as I had the first time round (until the echo), the basic pregnancy stuff: mild nausea, fatigue, tender breasts. But this little voice in my head keeps whispering "sure, just like last time, remember?". It keeps me awake at night, right when I need all the sleep I can get.
I'd love to enjoy this pregnancy (as I did the first time, until...) but it's so hard. I have an echo coming up in almost three weeks (at 8 weeks this time) and I hope so much that that will change things. Will it? Is there anything I can do or think that will make this any easier?
Anonymous email: pregnancyaftermiscarriage@gmail.com
Almost three months ago, an echo (at 9 weeks) showed I had a 'missed abortion' and a couple of days later, I had a miscarriage. It would have been our first child and my husband and I felt devastated. I know this happens a lot, and somehow it helps, but it still hurts, obviously.
Last week, I found out that I'm pregnant again. We still want children, a lot, and it's very very welcome. But because of my earlier pregnancy, I'm extremely insecure and frightened. Rationally, I know that the chance of having another miscarriage is small. But even that knowledge doesn't make things easier (if anything, it makes me even feel a bit guilty for worrying so much...).
Right now, I have the same symptoms as I had the first time round (until the echo), the basic pregnancy stuff: mild nausea, fatigue, tender breasts. But this little voice in my head keeps whispering "sure, just like last time, remember?". It keeps me awake at night, right when I need all the sleep I can get.
I'd love to enjoy this pregnancy (as I did the first time, until...) but it's so hard. I have an echo coming up in almost three weeks (at 8 weeks this time) and I hope so much that that will change things. Will it? Is there anything I can do or think that will make this any easier?
Anonymous email: pregnancyaftermiscarriage@gmail.com
When this happened to my wife and I (both fairly non-religious people) we found that having some ritual to "honor?/say goodbye?" to our previous baby was very helpful. We ended up taking a small hike and taking the time to say some words to have some closure. I'm really glad we did.
The 2nd pregnancy was still a little worrisome since you just can't forget what happened before, but we were a little more at ease.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 11:04 AM on April 6, 2009
The 2nd pregnancy was still a little worrisome since you just can't forget what happened before, but we were a little more at ease.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 11:04 AM on April 6, 2009
I think the best thing you can do is talk over your worries and fear and know that you're not alone. My broken record recommendation is the forum pages at altdotlife.com. Lots and lots of women going through, or having experience with exactly the same thing as you're going through. During my first trimester I was totally freaked out too - and I'd never had a miscarriage - but since you're not "supposed" to be too public with your pregnancy (and it's debatable whether that's a good thing or not) until the first tri is past, I found those initial weeks to be be very isolating and strange. The only person who knew I was pregnant was my husband and though he was great, he still didn't have the same perspective as I did.
Also, I think for the most part, you just have to get used to it, to some extent. The entire pregnancy can be somewhat nerve-wracking and that's all just preparation for actually being a parent! Find something else to focus on for now: hobbies, an engrossing novel, planning a trip. Whatever you do, don't spend time googling possible pregnancy complications. Trust me, that won't help at all. Good luck and I hope it all goes well.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:04 AM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, I think for the most part, you just have to get used to it, to some extent. The entire pregnancy can be somewhat nerve-wracking and that's all just preparation for actually being a parent! Find something else to focus on for now: hobbies, an engrossing novel, planning a trip. Whatever you do, don't spend time googling possible pregnancy complications. Trust me, that won't help at all. Good luck and I hope it all goes well.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:04 AM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
My wife miscarried the first time we tried to have a child. When she became pregnant again, we had a lot of same feelings you're experiencing. What I can tell you is that for us it became a lot easier to enjoy the second pregnancy once we got past the first trimester. Each time the doctor said everything looked normal was cause for a little celebration.
posted by maurice at 11:12 AM on April 6, 2009
posted by maurice at 11:12 AM on April 6, 2009
From a different point of view. Make sure that you really trust your obstetrician, and make sure that they consider you a "high risk" pregnancy, at least to start. Have them monitor your hormone levels, and everything else in your bloodwork, which you should do more frequently.
This may sound like a cold, male-imagined thing to say. But, knowing that your doctors are working hard to keep this pregnancy safe and healthy will help a lot with the natural fear that you have right now.
Good luck!
posted by Citrus at 11:28 AM on April 6, 2009
This may sound like a cold, male-imagined thing to say. But, knowing that your doctors are working hard to keep this pregnancy safe and healthy will help a lot with the natural fear that you have right now.
Good luck!
posted by Citrus at 11:28 AM on April 6, 2009
A lot of people don't talk about it, but miscarriages are incredibly common. 15-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. The pregnancy was not meant to be--the embryo did not implant properly, or there was some chromosomal abnormality. It's nature's way of ending things. I know you're thinking of it as "It would have been our first child," but it wouldn't have. The fetus never would have become a child.
While seeing a fetus with a heartbeat on ultrasound greatly reduces the chance of a future miscarriage, it doesn't eliminate it completely. Take things one day at a time. Nature will do what it's supposed to do.
posted by gramcracker at 11:36 AM on April 6, 2009 [4 favorites]
While seeing a fetus with a heartbeat on ultrasound greatly reduces the chance of a future miscarriage, it doesn't eliminate it completely. Take things one day at a time. Nature will do what it's supposed to do.
posted by gramcracker at 11:36 AM on April 6, 2009 [4 favorites]
Have them monitor your hormone levels, and everything else...knowing that your doctors are working hard to keep this pregnancy safe = silly. There's not much to be done to stop a miscarriage and useless monitoring won't help with anxiety.
I miscarried the first time round, but the next pregnancy was problem-free. Nth that things will feel better after an ultrasound and the end of the first trimester.
posted by kmennie at 11:47 AM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I miscarried the first time round, but the next pregnancy was problem-free. Nth that things will feel better after an ultrasound and the end of the first trimester.
posted by kmennie at 11:47 AM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, please just do everything you can to relax and keep your mind off of the situation. Meditate, start reading a new book (non-pregnancy related, of course), get out more, enjoy yourself. Do the things you won't be able to do anyway later on as you get more pregnant.
posted by hermitosis at 1:02 PM on April 6, 2009
posted by hermitosis at 1:02 PM on April 6, 2009
I don't know if more anecdotes are helpful, but...
I miscarried with my first pregnancy at 12 weeks (right after I figured it was safe to tell people). After I miscarried, I talked to several friends with toddlers, and it turned out almost all of them had had a miscarriage with their first pregnancy, too.
I got pregnant again two months later, and the second pregnancy had no complications, and I've got a healthy 3 1/2 year old (and now, an 8 month old).
But I didn't take the second pregnancy seriously (well, I stopped drinking alcohol & coffee) until about 13 weeks.
posted by leahwrenn at 4:18 PM on April 6, 2009
I miscarried with my first pregnancy at 12 weeks (right after I figured it was safe to tell people). After I miscarried, I talked to several friends with toddlers, and it turned out almost all of them had had a miscarriage with their first pregnancy, too.
I got pregnant again two months later, and the second pregnancy had no complications, and I've got a healthy 3 1/2 year old (and now, an 8 month old).
But I didn't take the second pregnancy seriously (well, I stopped drinking alcohol & coffee) until about 13 weeks.
posted by leahwrenn at 4:18 PM on April 6, 2009
Yeah, unless your doctor tells you otherwise, don't think of it as a high-risk pregnancy. It's not. Your first pregnancy ended in a statistic. An incredibly painful, gut-wrenching statistic. And it sucks. But it's certainly not a sentence to a lifetime of lost babies and pain.
I had two miscarriages and by the time I was pregnant the third time, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be anymore. I held my breath until I was in the "safe zone" where I could tell people. And I started bleeding the next day. A whole stinking lot. My heart dropped. I *knew* that was going to happen. I went to the hospital, knowing what to expect. And they found a healthy baby. They sent me home and the bleeding stopped.
A couple of days later, I started bleeding again. At this point, it seemed like a cruel joke. Back to the hospital I went, sure that this time I would be told I had lost my baby. Nope, it was fine. I spent a week in the hospital that was filled with ultrasounds and doctors running into my room to look for a heartbeat. I just kept waiting to hear those words again. And I never did.
Home for bedrest until the bleeding stopped. Every time I went to the OB I expected that he would find something bad on the sonogram. Two months of waiting. Finally I was given the all-clear and was told my pregnancy should be fine from there on out. And still I waited for something to go wrong.
And it never did. He's in the other room, fast asleep. Almost fourteen months old now.
You may never be able to shake the feeling. What you can do is do your best to keep your feelings from consuming you, knowing that emotional stress like that isn't good for your baby, and surround yourself with people that will help you celebrate your pregnancy.
Congrats!
posted by wallaby at 5:24 PM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
I had two miscarriages and by the time I was pregnant the third time, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be anymore. I held my breath until I was in the "safe zone" where I could tell people. And I started bleeding the next day. A whole stinking lot. My heart dropped. I *knew* that was going to happen. I went to the hospital, knowing what to expect. And they found a healthy baby. They sent me home and the bleeding stopped.
A couple of days later, I started bleeding again. At this point, it seemed like a cruel joke. Back to the hospital I went, sure that this time I would be told I had lost my baby. Nope, it was fine. I spent a week in the hospital that was filled with ultrasounds and doctors running into my room to look for a heartbeat. I just kept waiting to hear those words again. And I never did.
Home for bedrest until the bleeding stopped. Every time I went to the OB I expected that he would find something bad on the sonogram. Two months of waiting. Finally I was given the all-clear and was told my pregnancy should be fine from there on out. And still I waited for something to go wrong.
And it never did. He's in the other room, fast asleep. Almost fourteen months old now.
You may never be able to shake the feeling. What you can do is do your best to keep your feelings from consuming you, knowing that emotional stress like that isn't good for your baby, and surround yourself with people that will help you celebrate your pregnancy.
Congrats!
posted by wallaby at 5:24 PM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
From the original poster:
Thank you so much for all the responses, both here and via email. It was very helpful to hear how others dealt with it and how it changed over time. All the other advice was very welcome too. It means a lot to me. I've still got two weeks to go until the first echo but I'm now a bit more hopeful that I'll be able to cope. Thanks.posted by mathowie at 1:02 PM on April 7, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
I felt much better after our first ultrasound (at 8.5 weeks), and then felt immensely better after I was through the first trimester. It got better. Much better.
There are only three things that made me feel better: time passing in the second pregnancy (just wait until you can feel the baby move! amazing and comforting); really, truly understanding that there was nothing I did to cause the miscarriage (this was hard for me -- if I didn't cause it, how could I stop it from happening again??); realizing that, as much as the miscarriage was a horrible, awful, faith-robbing experience, it reinforced just how precious this baby is, and how much we really wanted children. When I was pregnant the first time, we were pretty sure we wanted kids; now we're certain.
I'm sorry you had to go through the miscarriage. I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you this time around. Feel free to memail me if you want some more support.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:59 AM on April 6, 2009