Can you un-give the milk?

April 6, 2009 8:11 AM

Is sleeping together right away a dealbreaker?

Okay, this is sort of WillHeCallFilter, and I know you can't answer that, but...

I met a guy at a party and we hit it off, and when he asked for my number he also asked if he could stay the night. And I said yes. Which is fine--it was definitely enjoyable and I have no ethical or aesthetic objections to sluttin' it up in such a fashion. But I *like* like the guy, and would be interested in dating him. The next morning, I told him he should call me, and he said he would, but a lot of my friends have said that I've taken myself out of his dating pool by fucking right away and the best I could hope for now is a booty call. Of course all you can give me are generalizations, but, uh, generally, is this true? If this kind of thing comes up in the future, should I marshall my sadly lacking impulse control and turn the amorous party down? Is there anything I can do remedy this situation now? Am I a silly ball of neuroses? (Okay, I actually know the answer to that one already.)

(Oh, we're both in our early/mid 20s.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (42 comments total)

If he's interested he'll give you a ring, regardless of whether you slept with him or not.
posted by teraspawn at 8:15 AM on April 6

I slept with a guy last May on our first date.

We live together now, and have been very happy for the past 10 and a half months.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:16 AM on April 6

I slept with this woman on our first date. . .

30+ years later, I am still sleeping with her. It may or may not work out. . . *smile*
posted by Danf at 8:18 AM on April 6 [6 favorites]

You know what? You're past that point. It's definitely not a universal dealbreaker - I have many anecdotal accounts of sex-on-first-date leading to more dates - and while for some guys, yes, it'll take you out of the 'dating' pool, that's not true for all guys. If he's interested, he'll call.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:23 AM on April 6

The thing is, it is a dealbreaker to some people, but none of us on the Internet can tell you whether it's a dealbreaker to this one specific guy. And if he doesn't call you, it might or might not be because this was a dealbreaker--he might not have been interested in dating you regardless of whether you slept with him or not.

Do you have HIS number? If he doesn't call you, you should call him (once) and see what happens.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:23 AM on April 6 [9 favorites]

No, it's not a dealbreaker. For most men, it doesn't make a difference.
posted by Simon Barclay at 8:23 AM on April 6

Some guys think differently about this than others. The three best relationshps I've had, we've had nookie on the first date in two of them (and the third came damn close). In all cases, we both knew that there was something above and beyond the usual "hooking up" thing going on, because the chemistry was just firing on a lot of levels, but we were also comfortable "going there" that quickly. All three of these guys are now exes, but my relationships with each one were all several months long, and the breakups were due to much deeper factors than "we slept together on the first date, u hor!"

I think the thing to consider is the fact that YOU have no ethical objections to having sex on the first date (I'm assuming). And, there are guys who don't mind that either. So consider: someone who is on the same page with you about sex on the first date would probably be on the same page with you about other sexual ethics as well, I'd wager. So -- if indeed he was put off by you having sex on the first date, he may indeed also be in a different place about other sexual things, and it wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

that's one way to consider it, anyway.

In the meantime, I'd think about how you personally feel about having sex on the first date; whether this is enough to make a Personal Ethics Statement about from now on, or no. You're going to find guys with all kinds of opinions about it; some guys are cool with it, some aren't. You won't know yet whether this guy is. If he isn't cool with it, then the fact that he just wanted to bang someone without wanting to date them should also tell you something about his character, frankly.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:24 AM on April 6 [4 favorites]

Is sleeping together right away a dealbreaker?

Only for immature jerks who aren't worth your time.
posted by mkultra at 8:26 AM on April 6 [4 favorites]

Oh -- and those three guys who are exes are also now close friends, one of whom has been a friend for ten years and another of whom is my business partner as well. If you click, you click, and sometimes one of the things you click about is how physical you are (these three guys also had fairly healthy appetites).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:27 AM on April 6

OK,

I'm going to say this: You don't know. I've pretty much done the deed before on a one-night basis and decided that I'd like to go on a date with that person. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

What your issue appears to be is that you are feeling limerance for your new friend and it might hurt because you are afraid that he will mistreat you. It is a possibility. However, you need relief from these feelings now. The answer is that you need to accept the possibility of getting hurt. If you feel bad, allow it to happen. If you try to escape feeling bad, that's where the calling the guy, trying to find him somewhere else again, talking to his friends stuff will get you into a situaition where he doesn't want to see you. Accept the bad feeling that he might not like like you and you are more likely to have it work out for you.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:31 AM on April 6 [1 favorite]

Is sleeping together right away a dealbreaker?

No.
posted by billysumday at 8:32 AM on April 6

You're right: we can't answer that. It depends on the guy.

(For what it's worth, if he wouldn't date you specifically because you slept with him too easily, then he's probably not worth dating anyway.)
posted by ook at 8:32 AM on April 6

It's possibe that's he's nervous too, so I would second what peanut_mcgillicuty said and call him if you don't hear from him. What do you have to lose?
posted by Raichle at 8:33 AM on April 6

I agree with others who say that it depends on the guy. My boyfriend has said that if I had slept with him on the first date that it would have been a red flag and we might not have lasted much longer. On the other hand, my friend had a one night stand turn into a year-plus relationship (that ended for reasons unrelated to the way they met).
posted by Nolechick11 at 8:41 AM on April 6

You know, you can call him.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 8:42 AM on April 6

N'thing "it depends". There is no guidebook for affairs of the heart.
posted by PsuDab93 at 8:47 AM on April 6

Is sleeping together right away a dealbreaker?

No. You already know the sex was good. Call it a test drive.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:54 AM on April 6

If it takes you out of his dating pool, then that should be a good thing. You had fun, which is good, but if someone is not going to be bothered to invest any more energy into a potential relationship because of this it's best to know right away.
posted by edgeways at 8:57 AM on April 6 [2 favorites]

Depends on what the guy is after. He likes you he will call. If he just wants to have fun then sorry but you were just # whatever. If this is the case then you are better off.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 9:01 AM on April 6 [1 favorite]

I really loathe those Cosmopolitan Magazine articles where they interview overgrown frat boy idiots who say, "Hurr, if she gave it up on the first date, it just makes me think about, well, how many other guys is she fucking?" It takes two to tango, fellas. He was slutty enough to have sex on the first date as well, and if he holds you to a double standard, then he's a misogynist asshole who doesn't deserve you.

Savage Love has a series about people who met their true loves in the sleaziest of circumstances. It happens all the time. I can chime in and say I wasn't exactly a chaste virgin with my current boyfriend. Don't worry about it, dear; if he doesn't call it isn't because you fucked him.

We Met Drunk

We Met Drugged

We Met Gay & Sleazy
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:14 AM on April 6 [8 favorites]

What do you think about the fact that he slept with you on the first date?
posted by Pax at 9:20 AM on April 6 [2 favorites]

I always thought it was something bad that you shouldn't do. But I met my boyfriend that way and I'm really glad I did because for the first time I'm dating the kind of guy that doesn't have preconceptions of how relationships "should" proceed. Most of that stuff is just cultural conditioning and I'm happy not to deal with it any more.
posted by idle at 9:36 AM on April 6 [2 favorites]

Datapoint: first drive test drive, second date we didn't get out of bed either, third date a weeklong trip to Memphis (our friends had bets whether we would get past the first motel).

I've have kept and loved him for 10+ years of marriage, kids etc.
posted by saucysault at 9:41 AM on April 6

For most guys, no. But you also might want to ask my first wife.
posted by webhund at 9:47 AM on April 6

I've been dating a guy for a year and a half who I met on Craigslist "Casual Encounters" (no joke). Those circumstances actually provided an immediate and helpful level of honesty because it opened the door for all kinds of conversations. I thought about slowing things down during our date because I realized I really liked him but in the end I decided to go ahead because hey, good sex is FUN! :)

It's absolutely not a definitive deal-breaker but in my experience, in terms of potential drama/hurt:

sleeping together on the first date > not sleeping together on the first date

Good luck and don't beat yourself up over it.
posted by cranberrymonger at 9:56 AM on April 6

The fact that you slept with each other doesn't take you out of his dating pool. The real question is whether you were actually in it or not in the first place. Since he asked for your number first, I'd say it's a possibility that he does in fact like you.
posted by JauntyFedora at 10:13 AM on April 6

I know this will not be popular opinion, but here goes: I think that in general if you are interested in forming a serious relationship with a dude, that often it's a good idea to wait til you know each-other well to have sex. In addition I don't think it makes a man deeply flawed if he prefers women who are more circumspect about who they do it with--for whatever reason a lot of decent guys like to have to pursue the women they're interested in for a while before getting them into bed, or going beyond a certain point there. It's a bit of a game, but its not without purpose and can even be fun. In the future, you might want to consider delaying the instant gratification of sheet-soiling until he's taken you out a couple of times (3-6 times exactly) and proven to you that he has some worth and your connection goes higher than the crotch. Acting as if no games should be played during early dating stages is just naive--instead, you should concentrate on playing the game ethically, honestly and with realistic and healthy goals in mind. Think of it as a fetish that most heteroguys have--they get more turned on the more they have to wait, so (as a GGG lady) give them what they want.

That said, if I was this guy it wouldn't change shit--if I like you, I like you. There are plenty of guys like me, but by the same token it doesn't bother me to have to wait if I really want to date someone either. So don't overthink it, don't pretend to be something you ain't, set your boundaries to where you want them to be rather than where you think they should be, and have fun. Oh, and there's no point being coy now, swallow your neuroses and call him!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:13 AM on April 6

Of course all you can give me are generalizations, but, uh, generally, is this true?

Generally yes, but only because both people are mutually turned off the morning after. That's not true in your case, so that alone is grounds to be optimistic.

Call the guy. Call him right now. Say, "Look I had fun the other night, and would really like to see you again - and get to KNOW you better."

He's not going to call you because he probably thinks you feel as weird about him as he feels about you. If you take the initiative and reach out to him he might reciprocate.

Not saying it's likely, but you won't know unless you try.
posted by wfrgms at 10:26 AM on April 6

It hasn't mattered at all to me in the past and it wouldn't matter one bit to me now. The idea that there should be a certain amount of time between the time two people meet and the time they have sex is ludicrous. Good luck!
posted by Silvertree at 10:28 AM on April 6

Here's the thing: if you're sleeping with someone you just met, they're sleeping with someone they just met, yes?

And many of the people who are sleeping with someone whom they just met are people who are looking for casual hookups, not for relationships.

So your friends are attributing causation here. "Oh, if you slept with him the first time you met, that means he's not going to be interested in a relationship with you." Although that might be true in some cases with some people, I don't think it's generally a causation thing.

It's more likely, when that happens (quick hookup with no followup) that it's a correlation thing. People often are disappointed that the person they slept with the first time they met isn't interested in a relationship with them. But it may be that that person isn't interested, at that moment in their lives, in a relationship with ANYONE, and that's why they're looking for one-night stands.

So you didn't do anything wrong, strategically. If he was looking for a relationship, this is unlikely to have put him off unless he had certain attitudes about sex that I, for one, wouldn't want to deal with in a partner. If he wasn't looking for a relationship, he wouldn't have changed his mind if you had chosen not to have sex with him.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:37 AM on April 6 [1 favorite]

My fiance and I hooked up on the first date. YMMV.
posted by schyler523 at 10:50 AM on April 6

If he's the kind of guy who thinks less of you for hooking up on the first date (when he did the same thing) then I'd say that should be a dealbreaker for you.

(FWIW, now husband and I didn't even make it to a "first date"...and that was almost 20 years ago...)
posted by JoanArkham at 11:04 AM on April 6 [1 favorite]

I knew my husband for a few years on the interwebs, and slept with him within four hours of us meeting. Maybe even less. Having sex when you choose to, rather than when your friends deem appropriate (wtf?) does not devalue you, and shouldn't affect how non-douchebag men think of you either. Especially when you know he's not sat at home thinking about this, regardless of how much he likes you.

And really: call him. See if he wants to go out. It's 2009! You can do that.
posted by saturnine at 11:06 AM on April 6 [1 favorite]

If he's a love 'em and leave 'em jerk, it wouldn't really matter whether you slept with him on the first date or the fifth--he'd stick around just long enough and then make a quick getaway. And nthing the chorus of "I slept with one of the great loves of my life on the first date and it was the start of a beautiful relationship." Good luck!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:34 AM on April 6 [1 favorite]

Your friends are wrong. More accurately, your friends are only right for some men, and wrong for a bunch of others.
posted by rodgerd at 11:43 AM on April 6

Mr. Allstar and I were sleeping together before we dated. Now we're married. YMMV.
posted by All.star at 2:05 PM on April 6

My ex and I slept together the first night we met and we were together for more than three years. We're still good friends.

My current boyfriend and I started out with NSA messing around. We even explicitly agreed that it was never supposed to be more than that, but we've been together and head-over-heels in love for two and a half years now.

Seriously, print out this thread and show it to your misguided friends. If a guy is into you, he will still be interested regardless of how far you go on the first night... possibly even more so. I know my current boyfriend was definitely wowed by my skillz. And so what about the guys who would think less of you? Who wants a misogynistic creep testing your worth with sexist double-standards anyway?
posted by keep it under cover at 4:43 PM on April 6

Generally yes, but only because both people are mutually turned off the morning after.

wfrgms, WTF???

After having sex with someone, the next morning you are turned off by them? Cuz, I'm here to tell you, based on nearly everyone I've ever slept with, and myself, you're 100% wrong about most of the rest of us*.

Nothing sexier than the newfound lover, just waking up in your arms, who smells like last night's naughtiness.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:25 AM on April 7

I had the opposite dealbreaker (before getting married): no matter how awesome the chemistry otherwise, if I hadn't slept with somebody on one of the first three dates, it was over.

So, at least with me, shagging on our first date would've been a point in your favor. Well, an additional point in your favor would have been added for that sex.
posted by Netzapper at 10:29 PM on April 8

I've already commented, but I happened to read a very positive article this morning about the exact subject you asked about.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:08 AM on April 9

Can definitely be a dealbreaker, even if the guy doesn't want it to be. Sometimes there's just this switch in his head that says, "Now I can never seriously date her." Even if you're great. I don't understand it but have experienced it. It's a real shame. Just in case, in the future, I'd try to keep it lighter on the first date. At least don't give it all the way up. Because maybe that guy will have that subconscious switch and maybe he won't - and maybe you'll wind up liking him and maybe you won't. If you like one another enough to see one another more, you'll have plenty of opportunities.
posted by Askr at 8:32 PM on April 11

Nth-ing those who've said it definitely doesn't have to be a deal breaker. It might be the case that I'd hook up with someone I wasn't interested in dating, but for me at least hooking up with someone wouldn't make me suddenly no longer interested in dating them (if anything it might be a slight change towards more likely to date them).

I can't help but feel that a guy whose feelings for you do change after you hook up with him in a negative way, is a bit sexist and misogynistic. He was willing to hook up with you under exactly the same circumstances that you were willing to hook up with him, any guy that thinks less of you as a result isn't worth your time.
posted by vegetableagony at 11:26 PM on April 15 [1 favorite]