The Office 90210

April 5, 2009 7:54 PM

High School 2.0 (or, as it's also known, my workplace). Help!

On the surface, they seem like a regular bunch of people trying to get their work done, but in reality it's high school all over again. Some of them have been there over 10 years and have been behaving like this since then, so it's fairly well ingrained. I've only been there a year so I'm very much the outsider still.

It's very Gossip Girl. This manager is secretly dating that supervisor, and that other supervisor reads other people's email, blabs about it and posts it on his blog. And, the conversation you thought was confidential wasn't as soon as your boss went to lunch with the person you'd been complaining about.
Meanwhile your project's being sabotaged by the co-worker who's best friend is the person in the other department who requested the project, doesn't like you, and wants you off the project. And everyone knows about it but you.

They all socialize away from the office, hang out, go to movies, parties etc. too. Everyone knows everything about everyone else and "outsiders" (like me) get the cold shoulder, "accidentally" get left off meeting invitations, never get asked to lunch and all the other petty passive-agressive stuff that you thought went away 20 years ago.

The department I came from had its moments, but nothing like this. I don't trust my own boss as I have already experienced two separate occasions where he threw me under the bus in the face of those old "hidden loyalties" (he does not know I know about these incidents). So I no longer consider him any sort of ally or supporter, despite his assertions that he in "on my side." I feel very much on my own.

I am just trying to focus on doing good work. It's very hard to endure the cliquishness sometimes though. At first I thought I was imagining things but I'm not. I love my work or I'd seriously look elsewhere. How can I keep my sanity?

posted by I_Love_Bananas to work & money (8 comments total)

Headphones.

Headphones are seriously so great. You get to the office, you put them on, you do your work while listening to your favourite music, then you go home. Rinse, repeat.

Don't tell them anything about yourself. Don't have conversations about anybody, with anyone. Don't do any favours and don't let anybody do any favours for you. Don't rely on anybody but yourself (hey, just like life!)

Also, adjust your schedule. Turn up to work earlier than any of them, go to lunch earlier, leave earlier. Don't be doing the same things as them at the same time. Go to lunch for however long you get and come back just as they are leaving. Little stuff like this helps a lot. The key thing is, always be doing stuff at different times to them. It will make it more bearable.

Also?

"They all socialize away from the office..."

ROFLCOPTER
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:19 PM on April 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

Quit. It's either find another job or become as crazy as they are.
posted by fshgrl at 8:19 PM on April 5

I would say roll with it if you are willing to stop pretending everyone has to get to know you better. You need to pick one person who you are willing to relate to at all and then work valiantly to be indiscreet and interesting to this person. I don't care if you are already trying to do this with the rest of the group. If you are: they do not care because if you scream out all of your answers you lose your exclusivity.
posted by parmanparman at 8:26 PM on April 5

Quitting your job won't help. These sorts of situations are normal and are to be expected, and you need to learn some coping skills.

Just focus on meeting specific deliverables each quarter, and make sure these tasks actually matter to the person who can give you a raise or fire you. When developing consensus or support, document conversations and document promises and commitments made by others, preferably by email. If someone pledges support verbally, send them an email directly afterward that documents the conversation.

In meetings, try sticking up for the underdog (as long as the idea isn't totally stupid); hopefully this will be remembered and reciprocated later.

Do not become involved in gossip, but try to connect with other team members if you can, and remember information about children, pets, interests, etc.

Say positive things about people you are working with occassionally, especially if they are feeling down.

Basically, cover your butt, get your ducks in a row, remain impartial, remain friendly, and try to act like a leader.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:28 PM on April 5

You're above them - you're there to do your job and do it well.

When/if you're being included in socialization, be cool. Otherwise, try to just let it slide.

Do you care what esteem these juveniles hold you in? Are they deliberately excluding you?

I'm not exactly in a 'professional' environment and it's pretty happy-go-lucky (rather than junior-high-ish; we're science geeks, after all). The 'professional' elements (lab managers, associates, post-docs, hell - even delivery- and sales- people) are fully included and are encouraged to join in on the social melee. The few people who are shunned/excluded are those who are either a) a danger to the people around them due to their sloppiness around dangerous materials, b) boring self-centered braggarts, c) better-than-thou snobs, and d) useless aggrandizing fuckalls.
posted by porpoise at 8:52 PM on April 5

Dunno that I have much to offer by way of advise, but wanted to offer my sympathies - have been there, and done that. I guess the good news is that you might be surprised that your higher ups are more hip to the situation than you'd suspect. (In my case, it took a few years before upper management acted, but when it did, it had an amazingly transformative effect.)

Sounds like you sort of are on your own - but in the dysfunctional environment you've described, that isn't necessarily a bad place to be, is it. Simplest solution: Is there a way you can go back to your old department? Second simplest solution: can you really not get a similar job elsewhere?

If both are out of the question, I'd suggest:

a. reading through your department's/business' official workplace policies (seriously - folks posting work-related emails to their personal blogs? Are they trying to get fired?) Document incidents like this.

b. DO NOT talk to anybody else at work about your workplace frustrations, even if they seem quite sympathetic. Mates, SO's, therapists, etc. - these people can help you. Just because gossip is common in your environment doesn't mean you should follow suit, however unfair that may feel.

c. Continue to focus on doing good work. Float your resume elsewhere. Cultivate your outside interests and remember this job is what you do to pay the bills, and that's all.

Best of luck to you. Sucks to be in such a toxic workplace, but it's all too common, I'm afraid.
posted by arachnid at 9:04 PM on April 5

Oh, golly, I worked somewhere like this years ago. The trouble with very social workplaces, especially dysfunctional ones, is that simply keeping your head down and staying out of the drama is not a neutral choice. Keeping to yourself doesn't keep you out of the game - it just makes every extrovert in the office think you're mean, rude or plotting against them. You can choose not to play, but you'll lose by default. I know, it sucks.

The good news is that workplace dramas often have their roots in very superficial things. Suzy hates Sally for not complimenting her report, Sally doesn't like the way Sandra scowls in meetings, Sandra thinks Suzy's a bitch for not holding the door when she was carrying coffee. Works gets stressful and suddenly the petty hatred escalates into something big, messy and very much work-related. If can get the superficial stuff right, you'll have less enemies and more allies when the serious drama hits.

The best thing you can do is to engage with the positive and withdraw from the negative. By that, I mean be a relentlessly friendly, muffin-bringing, how-is-your-day-asking super-friend to everyone, but never, ever respond to one workmate's criticism of another. Change the subject, call a coffee break, anything - just don't agree or disagree with the person doing the bitching.

This has two advantages - being nice to people makes them less likely to want screw you over. And being non-committal makes it very hard for people to tell which 'side' you are on, which makes them reluctant to come bitching to you in case you're actually a mole. Of course, all of this takes nerves of steel to pull off in practice. You might want to start updating your resume, just in case.
posted by [ixia] at 3:30 AM on April 6

I had something similar. Just don't play the game. I regard those people as annoying twits and have my own friends. When Suzzie comes gossiping a few "yeah, sure. Do you have those TPS reports? I need those today." and "no, I don't know how to fix anything in Windows, try the IT department." got that kind of person to understand that I wan't interested. If someone tells a story with office bravado in it, "did you run that by Legal? Sounds questionable".
posted by a robot made out of meat at 6:22 AM on April 6