I want to turn a FWB into a girlfriend. She doesn't. Should I end it altogether?

April 5, 2009 11:11 AM

Me to my FWB: "How do you feel about a long-term relationship?" Her: "Sometimes I think, 'Not in a million years...'

...and at other times I think 'Maybe'."

I want a long term relationship. She obviously doesn't. Should I end this relationship altogether?

I am concerned about being in a relationship where there is an inequality in desire. I am concerned about becoming resentful of the lack of reciprocity of feelings.

Can anyone share their experiences of being in this type of situation?

Every time I've been in this type of relationship, either if I liked them more or if they liked me more, it has ended badly.

Having said that, we have a ball every time we see each other and she doesn't attempt to hide her excitement when I tell her I'm going to stop by(we live a while away). I will miss her greatly and she will not be happy if/when I tell her this is over.

posted by thelettere to human relations (24 answers total)

FWB=friends with benefits? Just trying to clarify. I've never been in that situation on either side myself.
posted by Airhen at 11:18 AM on April 5, 2009

If you think you are in a relationship, and she thinks that you are in a no-strings sex arrangement, then that will only end in issues for one of you. FWB only ever works if both people are on the same page.

Talk to her openly about it and if she doesn't want to progress, then you do have to cut the 'benefits' aspect at the very least. You're setting yourself up for a fall. Hopefully you can retain the friendship aspect, but that's for you to ascertain.
posted by Brockles at 11:21 AM on April 5, 2009

The thing is, a FWB is not a relationship. It's the antithesis of a relationship.
So...if she's not interested in a relationship, I think you're out of luck with this one.
posted by meerkatty at 11:22 AM on April 5, 2009

I mean relationship in the generic sense - i.e. a friendship is a relationship.

I'm just trying to figure out if I should maintain status quo or end it.
posted by thelettere at 11:26 AM on April 5, 2009

If you're in this because you want it to develop into a full-on relationship, end it after telling her why. If you'll keep enjoying yourself even if it always stays exactly like this, or if she gradually pulls away and starts dating someone else, keep doing what you're doing.
posted by MsMolly at 11:31 AM on April 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

Should I end it altogether?

I'm going to vote "no" at this point.

Probably what you should do though is make sure you've talked to her about how you feel, and find out from her where she really wants your relationship to go. If that isn't the same as what you want, come up with a plan, together, to deal with that.

It might mean you have to spend some time apart until your feelings settle down a bit. It might mean just putting a stop to the "benefits" part of your "friends with benefits" relationship, which will be a lot better if she knows its because you have other feelings and it would hurt you to keep doing that (as opposed to you're just losing interest in sex with her).

It is possible to navigate through these kinds of things and remain friends. Maybe even remain friends with benefits (but that is more difficult). It does require both of you to be honest and communicative while you work through this together. And if it means not getting everything you wanted, it's going to hurt some.

You also have to beware of trying to negotiate your way to what you really want a little at a time--if she doesn't want a romantic relationship, you'll have to take that to heart and not try for one secretly while you work things out. It is really tempting to try to do that if you're feeling head-over-heels in love with somebody.
posted by FishBike at 11:34 AM on April 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

Is this FWB situation eating into the time you are spending looking for a special person to be in a whole, fulfilling relationship with? If so, then you are not heading towards your goal and are wasting your time.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:42 AM on April 5, 2009 [7 favorites]

iamkimiam's point is spot on- that's why I've always avoided FWB situations.

Get thee out there and meet someone who does want to be your girlfriend.
posted by dunkadunc at 11:50 AM on April 5, 2009

she wants to fuck other guys, so yeah you should end it.
posted by BobbyDigital at 11:54 AM on April 5, 2009

Do not end it now. Just start going out and meeting women, maybe go out on a date or two. See where it goes. Do not hide this from your FWB.

Do this until your FWB either realizes that she wants to keep you, or you start having benefits and more with someone else. She might surprise you, or you might get a new girlfriend. It's pretty much win-win for you. Not so hot for her, but that's what a Friends With Benefits scenario is: a complete lack of commitment, a temporary arrangement in which you do not have to care about her romantic/jealous feelings.
posted by adipocere at 11:56 AM on April 5, 2009

"Every time I've been in this type of relationship, either if I liked them more or if they liked me more, it has ended badly."

Listen to you gut instinct.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:15 PM on April 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

FWB is not a relationship. It's the antithesis of a relationship.

I dunno about that. I have had some 20 year FWB relationships... and definitely don't regret them.

That said, I wouldn't bash my head against the wall by trying to turn one of those into some kind of exclusive long-term arrangement with all the commensurate restrictions and notions of security either.

Do you like this person? Do you like the time you spend together? Cherish that, don't muck around with it trying to make it "better" or "different". If you want that long-term thing, find someone else... at the same time.
posted by rokusan at 12:15 PM on April 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

You sound like a sook! She obviously doesn't. What she said was "I have spent time thinking about this on my own (good thing) and I am of two minds about it..." (not what you wanted to hear but hardly a bad sign)

I tell her I'm going to stop by(we live a while away). ...yeah because long term, long distance relationships are anything to get excited over. They're not. It's something you might make the best of if you were invested enough in the relationship. You don't think you're asking just a bit much here maybe?

But then I guess that might all depend. How long have you guys been 'FWB' for??
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 12:39 PM on April 5, 2009

thelettere: I would use the term relationship to mean the qualities of an interaction between two things (possibly an emotional interaction between two or more human beings), but many people seem to think "relationship" is a shorthand for "long term exclusive monogamous sexual relationship". A better choice of words may have preempted some noise.

Your situation seems fairly straightforward. You would like to be in a sexual relationship that would last longer, she would not. The optimally ethical / pleasurable solution to this is to immediately start exploring other options, while continuing with the current one until she has hit that ambiguous long term / short term boundary and needs to move on. You could err on the side of caution by ending things with her immediately, but I don't think that would necessarily make either of you happier (this is something you need to judge for yourself). If you don't explore other options, be ready to get heartbroken and/or find yourself inadvertently playing the whiny martyr and hating yourself for it.
posted by idiopath at 12:46 PM on April 5, 2009

she wants to fuck other guys, so yeah you should end it

Did you even READ the post? They're "friends with benefits," which doesn't generally imply any sort of commitment to monogamy. And nor should it.

I think that what MsMolly said is spot on:

If you're in this because you want it to develop into a full-on relationship, end it after telling her why. If you'll keep enjoying yourself even if it always stays exactly like this, or if she gradually pulls away and starts dating someone else, keep doing what you're doing.

where I presume that by "full-on relationship" she means "committed romantic partnership, whether monogamous or open/polyamorous."

So I think the thing is, if the relationship is giving you what you want, don't end it. If it isn't giving you what you want, ask for what you want. If she's not up for what you want, end it respectfully, honestly, and as amicably as possible.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:01 PM on April 5, 2009 [2 favorites]

You asked a general question, "How do you feel about a long-term relationship?"

You didn't ask a specific question, such as "What do you think about pursuing a relationship WITH ME?" I'm not sure she answered the question that you think you asked.
posted by 26.2 at 2:06 PM on April 5, 2009

Reply to Muhaha:

We went out for 2 years until I moved to NJ (from FL). We've been FWB for about 6 months now.

There are other complications to the situation as well: she is a single mom with a 4-year-old who is jobless and living with her mom. She just graduated from college but can't find a job and doesn't know what to do with her life.

Meanwhile, I am in NJ heading into my senior year of college, after which I plan on going to graduate school. I stop over and see her during school breaks, which is when the above conversation occurred.

As you can see, this is a complicated situation. My goal is to ensure we are on the same page and there is very clear communication on what the nature of the relationship is and where we both see it going. Whenever I've brought this up in the past, she always brought up the fact that she has no idea what she's doing, so she can't begin to think of where we're going.

This last convo I told her to ignore the situation and tell me how she feels. The above is what I got.

Obviously this is not going to be anything too serious in the near future because of the situation - but my concern is not the situation but rather that our feelings are mutual.

Am I crazy?
posted by thelettere at 2:35 PM on April 5, 2009

The answer to almost every relationship question is: 'Be honest, accept that you can't change people's feelings directly (only their opportunities and circumstances), and for Christ's sake abandon any childish belief that "Love conquers all."'

In your case, which isn't nearly as complicated as you think: you're maybe 21, you're fucking someone semiregularly, you want it to be more, her situation's a little fucked, she doesn't want to commit?

Well, you lost this one. If what you have has value, by all means continue it, but be upfront about what you want and be ready for her to waffle about the future and feed you bullshit like 'Things are complicated now.' Everyone says that. Things are always complicated. So what.

If she's ambivalent then look elsewhere, but there's no need to burn bridges. This isn't forever anyhow - in college, no offense, roughly nothing is forever. Especially sexwise. By all means be there to comfort her, but don't waste energy because you're afraid to hurt her. People get hurt. So what.

There's no such thing as true love and if you're not a roaring dickhead you'll find other people to sleep with (if you are a roaring dickhead you'll find tons of people to sleep with - (un)fortunately you don't seem the type). So let her know what's up, buy a bottle of something named after a midwesterner or a species of bird, drink it with your boys, and realize that the relationship doesn't define you, doesn't even define the time. It just passes it.

If she changes her mind she'll let you know. Meanwhile don't wait around. It's undignified.
posted by waxbanks at 4:24 PM on April 5, 2009 [5 favorites]

Sidebar: there's always an 'inequality in desire.' People differ, desire changes. What you can do is always be honest, be upfront about where you are and where you think you're headed and what you want. Every working relationship is based on honesty and compromise.
posted by waxbanks at 4:26 PM on April 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

After your further details: Not crazy, just trying to make her story fit into your story, which is a losing battle. What do I mean by that? Well, essentially what I said earlier: only stay in this relationship if you're happy with it exactly the way it is. Your story is that you want to have a more permanent relationship with this woman. Her story is that she is fine with things the way they are. You seem to be wondering if you can change that. The answer is that you can't. Maybe her feelings will change, but not because you subsume your own feelings until then. Who she is right now is who she is. So the question is are you happy that your relationship with her moved to a less relationship-like mode after two years of dating, and that one of her responses to a long-term relationship is "not in a million years"?
posted by MsMolly at 6:41 PM on April 5, 2009

The greater the inequity of desire, the greater the chance for heartbreak for the partner with more desire.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:26 PM on April 5, 2009

my concern is not the situation but rather that our feelings are mutual

If you want to know about her feelings (as opposed to her future plans) maybe ask about that directly?
posted by salvia at 1:14 AM on April 6, 2009

So after the clarifications--she's not a FWB, she's an ex who doesn't want to be in a long-distance relationship who you still hook-up with. A FWB is someone who starts out as a friend. You don't have to end it, it's already basically over. I'd start looking for someone new either way.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:04 AM on April 6, 2009

*cough* she's your EX? Ex Sex is not the same as FWB. At all.

That said, FWB situations pretty much always have a time limit wherein one person gets feelings for the other that arent reciprocated. Enjoy while you can, these things are not supposed to be complicated, but dragging them out past their expiration date can make them so.
posted by softlord at 8:10 AM on July 23, 2009