Sexy Time

April 4, 2009 4:43 PM

How do I get with this girl?

There's a girl who works at a place that I frequent for lunch, and I'm pretty sure she has the hots for me (playful teasing, giving me free stuff, etc.). She's too immature for me to have a relationship with, but I'm definitely open to something casual.

Assuming that she does dig me, what's the next logistical step to getting her to my bedroom?

Thanks!

posted by mpls2 to human relations (32 comments total)

Maybe ask her out?
posted by DieHipsterDie at 5:02 PM on April 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

Ask her if she wants to lay in your bunk and listen to records, duh.

Seriously though, the next logistical step is to get face time with her outside of her work, preferably somewhere where said sexy time can occur. Ask her if she wants to hang out sometime, or however you want to phrase it for whatever makes sense in the context of the situation and play it from there.
posted by GleepGlop at 5:06 PM on April 4

Yeah, seriously. Ask her out on a date. Be yourself--people are extremely good at picking up on fakery. If all you want is a roll in the hay, be honest about it. There are few things as despicable as pretending you want something emotional when all you want is to get your noodle wet.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:07 PM on April 4

: She's too immature for me to have a relationship with, but I'm definitely open to something casual. Assuming that she does dig me, what's the next logistical step to getting her to my bedroom?

A small datapoint: my experience has been that it takes more maturity to have a casual fling than it does to start a relationship. If you're correct in your assessment that she's immature, then you're much less likely to come out of this unscathed than you think.

Of course, there's also the fact that it's not usually worthwhile or beneficial to anybody to sleep with people you don't respect. I'm not going to say that I find your desire to sleep with somebody you normally wouldn't really want to hang out with a bit offensive, but let's just say that I don't know if that's a healthy way to go about it.
posted by koeselitz at 5:07 PM on April 4 [28 favorites has favorites]

A small datapoint: my experience has been that it takes more maturity to have a casual fling than it does to start a relationship.

This, times ten million.

Seriously, if by "immature" you mean "is naive and has poor impulse control," this is a bad idea that is likely to end in a giant dramabomb.

If by "immature" you mean "likes listening to the Jonas Brothers instead of the obscure Estonian art-rock I favor" it might work.

But don't ask her on a date if what you want is friends with benefits. Ask her if she'd like to hang out sometime. If you ask her on a date she will think you're interested in being boyfriend and girlfriend.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:17 PM on April 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

go for broke by being yourself. you will regret it if you do not, and if we are to believe the information provided then you have a really good chance. you have obviously convinced yourself that you have a chance. take this online confidence with you to lunch!

writing of information provided, do you really know her well enough to know that she is immature? if you do, you already know your standing. if not, you are possibly just making assumptions.
posted by the aloha at 5:19 PM on April 4

yeah, i'd ask her for a drink instead of a date . . . since you don't want to DATE her. (unless, of course, by immature you mean she's under 21.)
posted by lblair at 5:36 PM on April 4

If all you want is a roll in the hay, be honest about it.

That's the question--what's a tactful way to do this?
posted by mpls2 at 5:37 PM on April 4

A small datapoint: my experience has been that it takes more maturity to have a casual fling than it does to start a relationship.

I think you have that reversed. Going into something casual is easy, it's relationships that are hard and require more maturity.

Anyway, just ask her to hang out. Get to know each other if you both want to. Who knows, you might be mistaken. She works where you have lunch. She's obligated to be nice to the customers; she might be extra nice if she's someone who gets tips. You likely have no idea how "mature" she is or not though since you don't know her except very superficially.

Take a chance and see if that changes. Keep an open mind.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:41 PM on April 4

That's the question--what's a tactful way to do this?

"I am absolutely not wanting a relationship right now. All I want is a friend who likes to jump into bed from time to time. Does that fit with what you want?"
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:46 PM on April 4

Be honest - tell her you think she's hot and ask her if she'd like to hook up some time. "Hang out" implies friends, "hook up" implies sex. If she doesn't understand what hook up means, let her know in no uncertain terms that you want to fuck her brains out. Most younger chicks these daze are fairly sexually liberated.
posted by torquemaniac at 5:48 PM on April 4

Here's another vote for remaining casual requiring more maturity than a regular exclusive relationship (that is, if you have any ethical standards about it). This is not a value judgment, things that require more maturity are not necessarily the best choices, but when you have the standard monogamous situation, everybody knows the rules and there is much less need for discretion, and less need to deal with the misguided assumptions of strangers, and much less need to keep a check on one's emotions and emotional boundaries.
posted by idiopath at 5:49 PM on April 4

If you look if you look at pretty much any singles ad people are looking for somone funny. Okay so you're not a comedian, but you were a youngster once and you were probably cracking all kinds of jokes then. The next time you see here, here's the hard part, have an actual conversation with her. You can do this by channeling the playful/teasing lttle kid part of you all the while moving towards the goal of asking her to hang out sometime. If it works out then at some point you will probably have to directly or indirectly set the boundries of the relationship. Especially if you just want something casual. People are a lot more successful by actually having a full discussion about this, but some people don't think you need to or should (I would disagree though). You're going to have to make the plunge and feel this whole thing out yourself, so the best advice is to just go and do it.
posted by P.o.B. at 5:54 PM on April 4

I'd get her age straight before going too far.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:56 PM on April 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

I think you have that reversed. Going into something casual is easy, it's relationships that are hard and require more maturity.

No, I think koeselitz and idiopath are right. Serial monogamous dating is fairly easy; casual no-strings flings require some perspective and self-knowledge from both partners or else dramabombs ensue; serious relationships are, as you say, hard.

"Hang out" implies friends, "hook up" implies sex.

Yes, but I thought he wanted a friends-with-benefits thing. I suppose if he just wants sex, no friendship, going right to the "let's hook up" might be more efficient. My guess is that she's less likely to go for it, just because she's indicating an interest in friendship with the chatting and free food and what-not.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:58 PM on April 4

I thought he also wanted more of a friends with benefits deal. If it's just bed, then head off with something similar to what dirtynumbangelboy said. Clearly mention that you're not looking for a relationship or strings right now. Mention it more than once. If she's someone who'll go for that, then she'll get the picture.

If she's not, prepare for her to be potentially insulted. (That would be my reaction, FWIW. And it would've been the same reaction when I was 18 or however old this girl is)

I still disagree with the notion that casual flings take more maturity. They do require self-knowledge and effort in planning, but that doesn't automatically equal maturity. Anything casual (including serial dating and hooking up) is easy in comparison with the maturity required for building and maintaining serious relationships.
posted by cmgonzalez at 6:26 PM on April 4

...I thought he wanted a friends-with-benefits thing.

I interpreted the "no relationship" verbatim. Being friends is a relationship.
posted by torquemaniac at 6:26 PM on April 4

Have coffee. Determine if she's interested. Flirt while having coffee. Include sexual innuendo while flirting while having coffee.

At some point, make your intentions plain. If she's agreeable, leave coffee shop before initiating sex (this step is critical). Bring condoms. Have fun. Rock her world. Make breakfast. Make plans to do again.

Have a nice day.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:40 PM on April 4

Have coffee. Determine if she's interested. Flirt while having coffee. Include sexual innuendo while flirting while having coffee.

I disagree. Coffee is like a date because it involves talking and getting to know each other.

I don't know how old y'all are, but in my range (mid 20's) going out anywhere that you're not drinking is a date. If all you want is a hookup, then asking her out for a drink (ie lets go out to a bar) should get this message across. Because in a bar, it's loud, so all you can really do is get hammered and make out anyway, and then usually one of you take the other one home. we all know how it works.

Again, though, if you happen to be under 21 then this doesn't apply . . . though in my personal opinion that is kinda young for NSA (not for the OP probably, but for the girl. i seriously doubt she would handle it well.)
posted by lblair at 7:23 PM on April 4

Thanks everyone. I'm 30, she's 23. This is a fast food restaurant. She's mexican. By "immature", I mean superficial--she does actually seem to be somewhat mature. I don't know if she has Jonas Brothers posters on her wall, but there's no way she's capable of a deep conversation. Not that "deep" conversations are the best or whatever, but I do like to have them from time to time, especially with an SO.
posted by mpls2 at 7:55 PM on April 4

Print this thread out and give it to her.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 8:05 PM on April 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

Ohhh, that's actually kind of a tough one. You kind of have to work fast if you're ordering something at the counter. If she's your waitress you have a lot better chance to work a full conversation out of it. All in all you're going to have to end up saying something like "I'm going to be hanging out tomorrow, you should come." Then meet up at a coffee place (or tea) and follow the directions Brandon Blatcher gave up above. Coffee places are great for a couple of reasons: relaxed atmosphere, no expectations other than chit chat, and minimizes money spent.
posted by P.o.B. at 9:34 PM on April 4

I've known waitresses to chat it up and give free food to returning customers who tip well.

If you're 30, I assume you can tell the difference. Still, it's worth pointing out.
posted by aniola at 9:43 PM on April 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

cmgonzales: I think you have that reversed. Going into something casual is easy, it's relationships that are hard and require more maturity.

That's why I said it's easier to start a relationship. The normal human impulse is to form a bond after sex and to romanticise intimate relationships; to avoid doings so while still treating the other with decency and respect takes maturity. I've known several people in my life who were spiritually capable of having casual relationships cleanly, without attachment, and with minimum drama; one or two of those were capable of genuine polyamory. Most people can have a casual relationship or two or three, but it takes the right circumstances to avoid the attending drama, and maturity is one of them.
posted by koeselitz at 9:57 PM on April 4

there's no way she's capable of a deep conversation.

How can you know that from the 30 seconds of conversation you share when she takes your fast-food order? Is there a "mature" way to ask if you want fries with that, vs. an immature way?
posted by Windigo at 10:21 PM on April 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

... and to flesh out the rest of my comment a little: "She's too immature for me to have a relationship with, but I'm definitely open to something casual" is worrisome because casual relationships almost always have to happen on an equal level. This is for a simple reason: when two people end it, they both have to be able to understand the reasons why without resentment. Good notions going into a casual relationship include things like 'we're really not compatible,' or 'we live in different places, and aren't likely to change that,' or 'there are circumstances beyond our control that really prevent us being together long-term.' That kind of clarity helps make the process easier. Why? Because if either person starts to form attachments that will be difficult to eliminate later on, they do so with a full knowledge that it will have to end.

To be more direct: what will happen when it ends? What will she say if she's formed those attachments? Part of the zen of casual relationships is always having a simple, concise and direct way of answer the question: "but why can't we be together?" If both people already know an answer to this, it makes it easier. But if your answer is: "because you're too immature, and because I'd want to have intelligent conversations with my significant other, and I really don't think you're capable of intelligent conversations," well, can you see why that answer really won't work very well?

If you want this to work, you need to realize three things, I think:

(1) First and foremost, please understand your responsibility in this circumstance. One of the few things that Dan Savage gets spot-on is the notion that, when an older person has any sort of relationship with a younger person, that older person has a responsibility to leave the younger person 'better than they found them.' You can't barge in and ruin her early twenties just because you'd like a fuck; you have a responsibility to make sure that she has a good experience, and you have a responsibility to try to make sure that she doesn't get hurt. Part of the zen of casual sex is having a deep and natural understanding of this concept.

(2) Your incompatibility doesn't have anything to do with 'maturity' or her ability to have intelligent conversations, and as long as you think that, it won't work. It's because you're both in different places in your lives, because she's got her whole 20's to enjoy and you don't want an 'old man' like yourself to waste them. These are things that you can explain to her directly.

(3) If you're really going to go for this, then one of the first thing you have to establish is your unavailability for something longer-term. You must say, as clearly as possible and preferably several times, 'I'm not really ready for a real relationship right now.' Say this casually and off-hand, and let your body language show that you're not closed to her. This has an added benefit; if you've already said it to her before, then it's very easy to add knowingly: "... but I think I'd be open to something else."

This is a good way to go about it. Be casual, be natural, and don't be crass; it's not necessary. And for god's sake, get rid of this whole "she's too immature to have a conversation with" thing; if you think you'll get tired of her any time soon, this is a bad idea, and even saying it makes no sense, since if she knew you felt that way she'd very likely not want to fuck you at all. Better to re-frame your own conception of the matter and be open to learning some about her and enjoying your brief time together. (And it goes without saying that showing her this thread probably won't help your prospects.)

That's it: spend time with her, get close to her, don't mention 'dates,' and mention as much as is casually and naturally possible that you're not really into the idea of a long-term relationship right now.
posted by koeselitz at 10:24 PM on April 4 [3 favorites has favorites]

when i worked customer-facing positions like this, i flirted with the guys i thought were hot. you don't get to know someone over a 60-second transaction, so all you have to go on is looks. if she's initiating the flirting she's definitely interested in something. i never gave free shit to the unfortunate looking boys.

had this been me, the best way to signal you wanted to fuck me after work would have been something to the effect of "do you want to go to [bar/club] with me after work tonight?" she can say yes or no, or suggest another night. don't suggest a place that is restaurant-y. then, when at the bar, you say, "look, i'm not really looking for any kind of commitment right now, but i thought it would be fun to hang out with you."

then you see what her reaction is. does her face fall? back off and call it a night. find a new place to eat lunch. does she seem to react positively? have another drink or two, then see if she wants to go to your place. if she does, you are getting laid. if not, back off and it a night, and find a new place to eat lunch.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:26 PM on April 4

The traditional method is to ask her out for a drink after work.
posted by desuetude at 12:37 AM on April 5

Thanks everyone. I'm 30, she's 23. This is a fast food restaurant. She's mexican. By "immature", I mean superficial--she does actually seem to be somewhat mature. I don't know if she has Jonas Brothers posters on her wall, but there's no way she's capable of a deep conversation. Not that "deep" conversations are the best or whatever, but I do like to have them from time to time, especially with an SO.

Have you actually discussed the fact that she's from Mexico? Because a Latina from any other country is going to be pretty pissed off by your assumption.

In general, it sounds like you're assuming an awful lot from extremely casual conversation. And in this reply, you come off as the one not particularly capable of deep conversation. You have me feeling pretty sorry for this woman working her ass off at a fast-food place and trying to give good customer service.

If you do proposition her, I expect you will get a very offended response. If you actually go out on a date with her, I expect you will discover she's a much more interesting person that you've given her credit for.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:49 AM on April 5

Make sure you really have her consent for whatever goes down.
posted by footnote at 6:34 AM on April 5

In general, sounds like you're assuming an awful lot from extremely casual conversation.

It sounds like you're assuming a lot from my extremely concise question.
posted by mpls2 at 7:48 AM on April 5 [4 favorites has favorites]

I'm 30, she's 23. This is a fast food restaurant.

Some women flirt when they're bored. Are you sure she won't see you as just another old man who buys fast food a lot? Don't be surprised if you ask her out and she laughs in your face.

I don't know if she has Jonas Brothers posters on her wall, but there's no way she's capable of a deep conversation. Not that "deep" conversations are the best or whatever, but I do like to have them from time to time, especially with an SO.

For somebody who prides himself on being picky about lovers, you certainly don't seem to be on the right track with this one.

Stop being patronizing and go pay for a hooker.
posted by aquafortis at 9:31 AM on April 5 [3 favorites has favorites]