Relationship Filter: How do I maintain a new relationship when we both know that we are going to break up soon? More details inside.

April 1, 2009 7:37 PM

How do I maintain a new relationship when we both know that we are going to break up soon?

Three weeks ago, I started sleeping with a guy I've known for about a year. He's friends with a lot of my friends and we hung out in groups quite frequently before anything happened. There is chemistry, the sex is great, and I really like him.

I told him from the start that I am moving in the end of May and I can't be in a relationship. Despite this, I see him almost everyday and we're turning into a couple except he's not very communicative. He's made it clear that he likes me, he's introduced me to all his friends, he calls/texts me regularly. When we're out, he's attentive and affectionate. But we don't talk about anything significant really, which makes me think of him more as a friend with benefits than as a boyfriend because I don't feel emotionally invested. This in turn, makes me less likely to advertise to all our mutual friends that he and I are having sex because I am very private and our mutual friends include a lot of intrusive people.

So here's what I am asking: Should I just assume that we're not talking because I am not starting the conversation? Or is it not worth getting emotionally involved since the end is so near? How should I interpret all his affection when there is nothing said?

posted by xyla2000 to human relations (17 comments total)

Yeah, I don't see why you'd think the lack of talking is a problem, given that, from what you've said here, you yourself haven't tried to initiate talk?

If I were starting to boogie with someone, and they said, "Hey, I'm moving, so I can't really be in a relationship," I would take that as complete, definite proof about what they wanted and expected from our interactions. I suspect your guy has made the same reasonable assumption.

If you meant it when you said you couldn't have a relationship, then there doesn't seem to be much for you guys to talk about, in regards to your relationship. If you didn't mean it, and wish you were more emotionally invested, then you most certainly should be trying to talk to him about it!
posted by Ms. Saint at 7:44 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

You're leaving at the end of May. That's about 2 months from now. To be honest, if someone put me in that kind of situation I would be out of the "relationship" as fast as possible because I would think that you're in it for the sex.

If the roles were reversed, would you want to get yourself emotionally involved? What is there to talk about? What will happen after you're gone? Who wants to do that?
posted by theichibun at 7:49 PM on April 1

He is a guy. Leaving in May has nothing to do with it. He is just not the talkative type. Actions speak louder than words. He introduced you around, he contacts you regularly.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:07 PM on April 1

I'm confused. Do you want him to be your boyfriend for 2 months? What is the problem with him just being a friends with benefits? You guys hang out regularly, you have great sex, and he's aware you're leaving in 2 months and is ok with it. I'm not sure I understand what the problem with this is? It sounds like a good setup to me.
posted by Arbac at 8:12 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Should I just assume that we're not talking because I am not starting the conversation?

The short answer is "yes." If you want to have a conversation, and the other person isn't starting the conversation, you'll have to start the conversation.

The longer answer is "what conversation?" It sounds like you discussed everything up front. He likes you, he knows you're leaving, there are parameters on the relationship. Is there more you want to talk about? Are you starting to feel things? Are you just curious about how he views things? Do you want there to be some way of continuing? I don't know, but you might. If you think there's a conversation to be had, initiate it. Right now he thinks you aren't interested in talking about your relationship, because that's how you set things up. He might like it that way, he might not, he might be indifferent. Nobody knows. You'll have to ask him if you're curious about how he looks at things. We sure don't know.
posted by Miko at 8:14 PM on April 1

I'll just bring this up from my perspective.

I'm a very affectionate guy. I've done short-term dating. In the situation you described, you're totally going out with each other and seem to be exclusive. I personally absolutely love being affectionate, even if I'm not getting myself too emotionally involved because I know it's not going to last.

I would just say that you're going out, but have no plans on continuing it after you move.
posted by meowN at 8:20 PM on April 1

How should I interpret all his affection when there is nothing said?

As affection from a guy who isn't a talker.

Which is not all that unusual, you know.
posted by ook at 8:23 PM on April 1

Should I just assume that we're not talking because I am not starting the conversation?

I'd advise against assuming anything. Men must be asked directly. You will have to do so despite your fears.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:24 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

I don't understand the problem. It sounds like you guys are talking a lot in general, but you're not talking about anything "significant" because you already made it clear that you can't be in a relationship. You're thinking of him as "friends with benefits" because that's what you guys are.

I guess I'm completely confused about what it is you want from him, even. If you want him to have relationship-ish conversations with you, then you shouldn't have started the tryst saying you can't be in a relationship. He's acting completely as I would expect someone to act if they liked you but knew a relationship was out of the picture. It's ineffective enough to expect someone to read your mind and understand you want more from them, but it's another thing altogether to want them to read your mind and conclude the exact opposite of what you've told them.

If you want him to fess up to wanting to be your boyfriend, well. First of all, I would say it's probably best to have low expectations as far as that goes. Not because anyone on the internet can predict what will happen either way, but just because it'll be easier to handle if he's put off by it. When a person thinks they've been getting no-strings sex, it can feel out of line for someone to suddenly want to attach strings to it. Notice I just say it can feel that way, not that it always does; it might be what he wants after all, just don't be surprised if it's not. Second of all, I don't think it would be entirely fair of you to try to get him emotionally involved when you're going to be gone. Do you want to try and sustain a relationship as short as this one has been over long distance? Generally, that's not a great idea and I would advise against it, but crazier things have worked out if you're determined.

And if you don't want to sustain it long distance, then I'm really confused by what you want; you're not going to get anything else in particular out of the relationship than you're already getting by slapping an official label on it, in that case. Intrusive people will talk just as much, except instead of saying, "OMG can you believe anonymous and Guy are fuckbuddies?" they'll say, "OMG can you believe anonymous and Guy are trying to have some sort of relationship when anonymous is gonna leave?" Part of me suspects that what you want is for him to admit having deeper feelings, and that's what you'd get by slapping an official label on it. That's pretty human. But if you guys can't do anything about it if he does, you'd just be jerking him around. As romantic as it might sound to get the confession out of him, decide you can't have a relationship, and secretly pine for each other in separate cities, in reality you can't know that won't make him more miserable and pissed off than anything.

So let's say you want him to be your boyfriend, you want to do it long distance, and it turns out that he feels the same way but you don't know yet. Since you're the one who said you can't have a relationship, the ball is entirely in your court to broach the topic. I don't think many guys would feel right saying, "I know you said you can't have a relationship, and you're going to be leaving, but I want one anyway." Even from a woman's perspective, I'd feel like I was whining and being annoying if I said that. So, assuming he's actually interested, then yeah, I'd say the conversation isn't happening because you're not starting it.

I don't personally think it's a conversation worth having, but that's a lot easier for me to say since I'm not in your shoes.
posted by Nattie at 9:03 PM on April 1

I've had this kind of relationship before, twice actually - entering into things fully aware that one of us is going to leave in a fairly short time, and there's little chance we'll ever see each other again. For one of the relationships, we talked a lot about our feelings for each other and our efforts to remain a couple long-distance... and it fell apart, though we remain great friends.

For the other, we just enjoyed our time together as if there wasn't going to be an end - we both knew it was coming, why waste words on it before its time? We didn't really talk explicitly about our feelings for each-other or promise to try to stay together. We kept the relationship discreet from our friends because there wasn't really a need to go public, and I'm sure it saved him a lot of agony after I left, not being asked about me all the time. When the time came, we parted ways somberly, and now rarely speak... each remaining a sort of surreal memory for the other. We met again briefly just as friends, though it was easy to tell that our time shared was still fresh in both our minds, such fond memories.

In some ways it's the ideal romance: you get the honeymoon phase, and you part on good (but tearful) terms before the relationship begins to decay. Nothing but good memories. There's nothing wrong with getting emotionally involved, but be realistic about the way things will be after the split, though. Don't make promises to each other you might not be able to keep, and then there will be no promises to break and create disappointment, no tarnishing of those memories. Enjoy the time you have left, a good romance doesn't happen every day.
posted by lizbunny at 9:07 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

That's true, but he may just not be thinking about it because he doesn't want to form an opinion on whether or not you're a couple since that would mean pain later when you move on in a month or two.

I was in the same spot last year. Including making plans to covertly move along with her. It didn't work, and she's now with someone who's much more stable and better suited to her (and from the few times I've talked to him, who I really like to.)

If you want to think about yourselves as a couple, then talk to him about it. If you want to move on in May when you move to a new place, that's great, but don't start a conversation NOW that you're going to regret later.

The way things turned out for me ... I was her boytoy for four of the most stressful months of her life to date, she was a brilliant, challenging, amazing fling for me, and we used each other as a point of calm, support, and comfort. In the process, we established a deep but light friendship and that we'll have for the rest of our lives, and we'll always love one another. But good lord, are we glad we didn't keep going with the relationship!
posted by SpecialK at 9:07 PM on April 1

I wish I could answer this question myself. I am with the most amazing person I have ever met, but soon he will be leaving the States and going back to Germany. Unfortunately, I love him. We talk about it from time to time but we are both young and to be quite honest, what does talking about it really help? I think the best thing to do is, assuming this person means something to you, live your life. Go with the flow, as they say, and succumb to fate and feeling. You truly cannot control what will happen with the two of you, and who knows? Maybe it will be beautiful.

As my father has counseled me (old hippy), "it's bigger than the both of you. You can't fight it." I think his advice, in this instance, is sage.
posted by nonmerci at 10:19 PM on April 1

Also, I'd like to say that there is some really terrible advice here.

Humans are humans. We do weird, inexplicable things, and we get involved with one another even though we know that in a short amount of time it will be very difficult if not impossible to be "together" in the same way.

When I started seeing the current man in my life, we both knew that he would soon leave. It was not a question, and it began as a sort of sexually-fueled fling. But then we started seeing each other more, and more, and it swiftly turned into something more. I'm still shocked by it, mostly because my luck in these sort of romantic endeavors is nonexistent, but I try *really fucking hard* not to overthink it.

Live your life. If feelings happen, it's only because they should, because it is right and because you are both there together and this is not something to be afraid of but something to embrace. There is nothing so beautiful as connecting intimately with another human being. Easier said than done, clearly, as I struggle daily with the same sort of questions you are asking yourself, but there is not much you can do. If he will have feelings for you they will manifest regardless of any conversation you start and vice versa.

Enjoy your time with him and see where it takes you.
posted by nonmerci at 10:29 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

nonmerci - what you said about connecting with someone intimately touched me. It has not yet happened in my life, but cannot wait for it to happen with the right person.
posted by weh546 at 3:18 AM on April 2

Uh. What's the problem, again?
posted by _Skull_ at 7:07 AM on April 2

I am in a relationship with someone who will be moving across the country in a few months, something I knew was going to happen before we started seeing each other a month or so ago. Like nonmerci, I have made a conscious choice to live in the moment and enjoy the time I have with him. I realize it's going to be painful down the line, but that's the price I am willing to pay.

It doesn't seem from your post, though, like you actually have strong feelings about this guy. You talk about the sex and the chemistry but you say you don't feel emotionally invested. You say "we're turning into a couple" as though it's just something that's happened that you have nothing to do with. So I'd think twice before comparing nonmerci's or my situation to yours.

At first glance, as others have said, you seem to have a non-issue. You didn't want a relationship, you don't have a relationship, you just have a fling. So what about the fling is bothering you?

Is the issue that his affectionate behavior towards you is stirring up feelings you don't particularly want to deal with? If so, you need to figure out whether you're going to embrace those feelings or get more distance from this guy.

Is the issue that you have decided you *do* want a relationship with him, and you don't know how he'll respond? Nattie and Ms. Saint give good advice in that case, but really, the only option here is to talk to him about it - and yes, it is absolutely up to you to raise the issue.

Or are you still firmly decided against the relationship, still emotionally disengaged, but worried that he is not - that it's becoming a relationship in certain ways, and you don't want him to get hurt? Then take a step or two back, see him a little less frequently, reciprocate his behaviors a little less. Have a conversation with him about it if you must. But remember, he's a big boy - and if you've been honest with him about your emotions and intentions, then it's on him to keep himself from getting hurt.

Kind of a long comment, so here's the takeaway message:
Get in touch with your own feelings first, before you ask him about his.
posted by shaun uh at 8:13 AM on April 2

It really sounds like it's ideal unless you want it to change into something it's not. If you want to talk about it, I'd bring it up with him, because he probably figures, "yeah, this is good for now, why over-think it?"

One thing, if you guys haven't made it explicit, and if it matters to you, discuss whether you guys are monogamous, whatever the relationship is. I could see one of you getting hurt if the other slept with someone else, despite the fact that it isn't serious, and has an end-point.
posted by explosion at 9:55 AM on April 2