Why did this happen?

April 1, 2009 7:01 PM

Why would a 21 year old guy have ED issues for no apparent reason? [NSFW] [personal drama]

Should I be concerned?

Short version: Erectile dysfunction is not supposed to be an issue for twenty-one year olds.

For three years now I've been going to a college located about six hours from where I grew up and went to high school. I've been exceedingly happy with my life in that time, and I’ve never really had to face any major psychological issues that could carry the blame for what I’m about to talk about.
Last week I started talking to a girl that I had been friends with in high school but had not seen since then. Nothing really exciting, just some facebook messages back and forth amounting to a whole lot of small talk. I did mention, though, that I would be passing through her area within the following day or two and she told me I should pay her a visit. I didn’t really think much of it—she and I had made out once or twice while we were still in school together but it wasn’t anything serious, just run-of-the-mill messing around at a party. I assumed that she and I were just going to visit and catch up.
Well, I was driving back to my school over the weekend and that’s when I decided to drop by. And it didn’t wind up just being dinner and a chat. We were drinking for a little while, we went back to her house...you get it.
I’ve always found her wildly attractive. The kind of beauty that comes from both the body and the brain. That’s what makes this whole thing so painful for me—she’s a lot more significant in my mind than a lot of the other girls I’ve known. And she’s the only girl I’ve ever had sex with who I’ve known for more than a short period of time (I guess that makes me pretty shallow, sorry).

The details of it go like this: we’re in bed together and she’s doing some pretty exciting things. The problem is, I’m having a difficult time giving her the tool she needs for the job. So to speak. And god knows, she made an incredible effort of trying to help me out—which really makes me feel worse. Eventually I manage to get halfway up for a little while before I go limp again. Finally we both decide to take a shot at it later and fall asleep for a little while.
Several hours later we wake up (it was a small bed so waking up was happening pretty often) and we’re both feeling pretty stoked about taking another shot at this. And, thank god, I respond a lot more vigorously this time around. We’re going at it and as far as I can tell it’s great for the both of us (sure as hell was for me). About maybe four or five minutes into the main attraction, however, my penis decides he’s going to take a fucking break on me. Fun while it lasted.
We messed around some other ways for the rest of the night but the whole episode has been bothering me for a while now, and I was really hoping it wouldn’t.

I’ve never had this problem before, though really my experience is limited to a couple of other girls. I’m determined to figure out why this happened and I’m hoping you guys might have some ideas because I’m terrified of this happening again. I do think I might have one or two reasons, though. To start, she dated a friend of mine a few years back. At the time he was actually a really close friend but since then we’ve drifted apart—though we still speak occasionally, and I don’t really think he’d be too upset if he were to hear about this (though I think it goes without saying that he won’t really find out). So maybe some sort of subconscious guilt is at play here—and I say subconscious because, frankly, it doesn’t really bother me in the slightest that I just did this with his former high school girlfriend. Maybe that makes me a tremendous asshole but I feel like at some point we have to let the past be past.
Additionally I was pretty drunk at the time and I know how biochemically that can sometimes be a downer (haha). I haven’t really given that particular possibility too much thought though because alcohol hasn’t stopped me before, and I wouldn’t imagine it would have stopped me when I was in bed with a girl I have stronger feeling for than almost any other that I’ve known.

She’s a beautiful girl with skills that could turn a gay man straight …it just doesn’t add up for me. This isn’t supposed to happen.

And now it’s bothering me senseless.

If anyone would like some clarification about this post or wants to ask me anything at all, you can email me at feelingbummedout /at/ gmail /dot/ com. If you don't mind, please post my reply to your question as a comment so other people answering can take it into consideration. You don't have to, but if it would help then I'd be appreciative. I ask this because, if you don't know, I can't post follow ups myself without disclosing my username.

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 comments total)

I am not an expert, but I would say you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. You are concerned because you really, really want to be with this woman. You said it yourself, she is the only woman you have had sex with that you have known for a long time. You have expectations. It is an easy thing for me to say, you need to relax and enjoy being with her, but that is what has to happen.
posted by Silvertree at 7:08 PM on April 1

You already said it. Alcohol. Between that and pressure to perform when things weren't quite up to par, your willy just decided it wasn't going to put up with you that night.

If it happens again while you're sober, talk to a doctor. Nothing to be ashamed of, it can be fixed. Worrying about this sort of thing really is the worst thing you can do.
posted by Saydur at 7:11 PM on April 1 [2 favorites]

This is more common than most people realize-- ED among the young, I mean. First, schedule a check-up with your doctor to rule out a physiological reason. Second, try to put this past incident in perspective-- you were drunk and you were very excited to be with this person. Sometimes being overly excited can short-circuit the brain; you put too much pressure on yourself to perform and you end up losing the erection. The best way to get over this is to perform. Are you able to get an erection by yourself? If you are planning on being with this girl again, just take it slowly and wait for the right moment. Tell yourself on the next date that you will go no further than kissing and some caressing. Build from there. Hopefully after a few dates you will be so at ease with her and so horny that everything will click into place.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:14 PM on April 1

Alcohol is the very first trigger that I notice about your problem - and even if it hasn't bothered you before, the body changes regularly. I was fine, for example, with eating tomatoes for years and then one day they stared giving me heartburn.

I worked for a few years in an low-income STD/sexuality clinic (fun times), and I have to say one thing that is going to sound crass, but: as a 21 year old male, I don't care if you just saw kittens just blown up with dynamite, you should still be able to get wood with a lady (or lad, as the case may be). Worded more seriously: men do not have the same instances of emotion-related sexual dysfunction that women do, and it's a purely physiological thing. For better or for worse, an erection for men is a reliable physical event.

Unless ... something is wrong. Physiologically. Now, there can be a zillion reasons for this, reasons that go far outside my areas of experience, but my very first reaction to all of this is: forget the guilt/subconscious thing and focus for the time being on your body. We already established that alcohol is culprit #1. Smoking is a resounding #2. Poor diet would be my 3rd guess - processed foods are horrible for your vascular system, even temporarily.

And of course the usual caveat: you need to strongly consider seeing a doctor if the problem continues. If you recognize that this is probably not about "feelings" and more likely about something happening with your body, it can even be an indicator of something larger and possibly dangerous happening, like blood pressure problems.
posted by Subspace at 7:19 PM on April 1

Erectile dysfunction is not supposed to be an issue for twenty-one year olds.

This isn’t supposed to happen.

Those are incorrect assumptions, and they aren't helping with the pressure you're putting on yourself. This does happen to men your age. I don't think you can rule out alcohol or being tired or maybe some residual guilt about it being your old friend's ex entirely, but I think it's that you were really into her, felt some pressure to perform, and overthought it. So you kept messing around, dozed a bit, tried again (all just like you're supposed to) but then maybe your thoughts got the better of you the second time, too. It can be a vicious cycle.

If you're going to see her again and you two decide to spend the night together, take it slow... slower... slower. Make sure she's having a great time and see how things go. You can be confident and sexy and fun in bed without an erection.

(When this happens in an ongoing relationship, one piece of standard advice is to "ban" sex, and just do a lot of fooling around. Even if the guy gets hard, no sex. It takes the pressure off of that one aspect and allows the couple to just enjoy one another until eventually, and thank heavens, sex! I'm just not sure exactly how to apply that to your scenario with this particular woman.)
posted by juliplease at 7:26 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Just seconding juliplease. Erectile dysfunction happens to LOTS of young guys.

the tool she needs for the job...the main attraction...

This is part of the problem. Sex is not just penis-in-vagina. Especially for women, the majority of whom don't even come from that.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:48 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

See my comment in a previous thread.

Also, I would say to disregard the following, mainly because it's not true.

men do not have the same instances of emotion-related sexual dysfunction that women do, and it's a purely physiological thing. For better or for worse, an erection for men is a reliable physical event.
posted by number9dream at 8:46 PM on April 1

I don't really know what is "normal" in a statistical sense, but my experience was that I had a lot more floppy moments at 21 than I do now in my 30's.

Why? Because at 21 sex was still new and stressful; it was usually with a new partner with whom there was little trust and lots of pressure; and my sexual repertoire was really limited, so a few minutes of limpness was a total game-killer. And either we were using condoms (which both blunt the sensation and add a critical moment of fumbling to the experience), or we should have been but weren't, adding all the stress of "woah, what if I catch an STD?" to an already stressful situation.

But now I'm in a great relationship, with someone with whom I have good communication. So there's simultaneously a lot less pressure to perform RIGHT NOW, and a lot more focus on making things good for both of us. We've learned a lot of ways to make things good for each other, and part of that is learning how to adjust, accommodate, and work with the problems that can come up.

To me, the situation you described sounds like one where I could see myself having those same difficulties. There was alcohol involved (there's a reason for the phrase "whiskey dick," and sometimes it takes very little); you were tired; and there was the added pressure of her being someone you had made out with before and knew from high school. Add condoms to that mix, and things can easily tip the balance towards limpness. My experience was almost invariably that the first night was pretty hit-or-miss, while the next morning was usually pretty good.

Sex is not just penis-in-vagina.

This is really, really true. I think that one of the ways one matures as a lover is in learning how to fluidly handle performance issues. Your erection or lack thereof has nothing to do with the question of whether or not you totally rocked her world that night. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if you can't get it up, then the onus is totally on you to do all kinds of other things to make her feel good. Moping around, and making her do all sorts of acrobatic work to try and turn you, isn't the way to go. Shrug, make a joke about it if you want to (blame it on the beer, or being tired, or stress about your final next week, whatever works), and get to work on making her toes curl, and see if your plumbing works better in the morning or next week.
posted by Forktine at 8:50 PM on April 1 [1 favorite]

Ya, I could totally just be anxiety. You were a little nervous going in maybe, or really excited and looking forward to it. Wondering what she would think. You had a little trouble or were off to a slow start, you got embarrassed and alarmed and distracted and more worried about it and what she is thinking. It is a snowball from there. Losing it is a completely normal reaction to feeling really anxious about losing it.
posted by slopepheasant at 8:50 PM on April 1

I think your 2 ideas make a lot of sense. Seriously, you know yourself a lot better than I do. I think the guilt thing is the likely culprit and I think you should work with it even if it isn't because it is an issue with you.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:26 PM on April 1

Also, I would say to disregard the following, mainly because it's not true.

"men do not have the same instances of emotion-related sexual dysfunction that women do, and it's a purely physiological thing. For better or for worse, an erection for men is a reliable physical event."

Statistically speaking it is true and in this case medically relevant - most instances of erectile dysfunction are physiological in nature and not psychological. All men experience erections as a part of their non-sexual life as well as their sexual, whereas the equivalent in women is rare. The problem is confusing the term "erection" with "sexual arousal".

My opinion outside of these facts is based on several clear points made:

1) he finds the woman to be very sexually attractive

2) he additionally likes her as a friend

3) it was made clear that the guilt aspect was grasping at straws, noting that he didn't really care

Also, it's not a hell of a thing to be guilty over. Feeling vaguely guilty about sleeping with a acquaintance's ex years after the fact isn't a typical boner-killer.
posted by Subspace at 9:47 PM on April 1

Anxiety alone will do that. It happens to lots of guys your age. The fact that you really liked the girl could be all that it was. Alcohol might have contributed, too.

Don't get worked up over this, because that'll probably exacerbate the problem if the opportunity arises again. If you go in thinking, "oh my god ohmygod ohmygod please don't let it happen again, ohgodwhat'swrongwithme that it happened before, ohmygod it's going to happen again I know it, I'm 21 and I should be able to get it up ALL THE TIME," well, you're gonna get the same result. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but you have to try and not feel so freaked out by the possibility of it happening again... because it makes it less likely that it will happen again.

The best thing I can say to make you feel better is that you can please a woman without sticking your dick in her, for one. Plenty of girls even prefer that to vaginal sex. Secondly, I'd like to think most women are understanding about it, and if they aren't, they're being unfair.

The first time my husband and I tried to have sex, he was too nervous to get it up, so we cooled down for a bit. He was 18. I actually didn't understand why he was so apologetic; I had heard that sort of thing happens a lot, so it was nothing to me. I was mostly concerned about keeping him from feeling bad about it. He kept saying, "I'm sorry, you're really beautiful, I just-- I don't know why--" so that was more endearing than anything. He was pretty much a walking erection around me normally so I had no reason to take it personally. Then once the pressure was off he got it up, so we tried again... with the same result. Then we decided okay, we'll try vaginal sex some other day and just used our hands, which was great.

So really, the worst thing you could do for yourself is over-think this. You say it hasn't happened to you before, when you've been with girls you didn't like as much as this one, so it seems like you're just a normal human being and not experiencing any medical issues. By all means if you start having problems getting erections in other scenarios then see a doctor, but don't let this stress you for no good reason.
posted by Nattie at 11:01 PM on April 1

Erectile dysfunction is not supposed to be an issue for twenty-one year olds.

This isn’t supposed to happen.

Relax, I had something similar happen in my early 20s. However, I knew what the problem was, and just took the situation as a learning experience.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:22 AM on April 2

most instances of erectile dysfunction are physiological in nature and not psychological.

Cite? The first Google result for "young erectile dysfunction" says:

"In younger males, the most frequent cause is anxiety – particularly nervousness about having sex, about causing a pregnancy, or about using a condom. A lot of men in this age group complain that they ‘can’t get on with a condom’ because as soon as they try to put it on, they lose their ‘stiffy'."

All men experience erections as a part of their non-sexual life as well as their sexual

The poster didn't say they'd lost the ability to get an erection at all -- just that they had one instance of it, when alcohol and at least some stress (new partner, high expectations) were involved. For me, that definitely points to it being a psychological/anxiety issue rather than a physical one.

So, as others have suggested, the solution is to recognise and come to terms with the things that are causing you anxiety, realise that there's no blame, the girl is likely more understanding than you think, and there are plenty of alternative activities to fall back on until you've processed and resolved the hang-up.
posted by teresci at 4:17 AM on April 2

Just want to nth that it is not uncommon for younger or sexually inexperienced guys to have instances where they cannot maintain an erection, despite desperately wanting one. It seems to happen most when they're putting a lot of pressure on themselves to perform or are with a woman who they are extremely attracted to and whose opinion matters to them.

In the past you haven't cared as much about the outcome of the situation or the woman you were with. You were a lot more anxious this time, that's all. Your initial difficulty probably only compounded the situation. Relax; you're fine. Most women will understand, especially if you take the focus off your penis for awhile and pay attention to her body with your other body parts.
posted by Polychrome at 5:28 AM on April 2

So yeah... this question seems to come up a lot... hell I did a metatalk post on how often people post about it. So your not alone.

I'm not a doctor, but if you can get an erection normally (like now), it would seem to me that the issue is alcohol which has long been known to lead to erectile dysfunction, and/or what I'm going to now call Porn Dick. Porn Dick (or PD) is what happens when you masturbate too much... you have a hard time getting it up/orgasming because sex with other people is different, they don't have that perfect feedback system to tell them what makes you feel good, and porn is very stimulating.

There's nothing wrong with masturbation. But you may be experiencing too much of a good thing.

Anyway this wikipedia page on erectile dysfunction may be helpful including some possible treatments.

If you can't get an erection while sober and by yourself, you may have a more serious problem, and possibly the ED may be a symptom of something else, so you should consult a physician.
posted by gryftir at 5:54 AM on April 2

"most instances of erectile dysfunction are physiological in nature and not psychological."

Cite? The first Google result for "young erectile dysfunction" says:

"In younger males, the most frequent cause is anxiety – particularly nervousness about having sex, about causing a pregnancy, or about using a condom. A lot of men in this age group complain that they ‘can’t get on with a condom’ because as soon as they try to put it on, they lose their ‘stiffy'."

Disregard the "young" portion of the Google search and the answer is vascular disease. I'm not saying the poster has vascular disease, but I say it as a part of what I understand about sexual dysfunction from my years as a clinician: in a sexually confident male, physiological is more likely than psychological. This is how we do medical science. We take the most likely cause first and then we go from there. I still stand firmly (zing!) by alcohol consumption being at blame.
posted by Subspace at 11:17 AM on April 2

High cholesterol can cause an inability to maintain an erection. Go get a blood test! High cholesterol is more common in older people, but it can happen in a 20 year old if your diet is bad enough or if you have a genetic predisposition to have high cholesterol.
posted by HappyEngineer at 1:44 AM on April 3