sexual healing

March 31, 2009 10:52 AM

I'm male and have a touch of anorgasmia (the inability to have an orgasm during sex)

I'm in my mid 30's and during sex, I can't have an orgasm at times. While this is a dream come true for my girlfriend, it's frustrating on my part as I can never get there. I mean sometimes it finally happens (and it's wonderful) but most of the time it doesn't. This even happens during masterbation (not all the time, but some of the times)

This is not a total bad thing, of course. She totally loves that I can go forever, but even she's sad that I can't get to that point.

So my question is, what can I do naturally to get to that point? I'm up for eating certain foods, trying certain things and if needed, I'll go see a urologist but I'd like for that to be the last resort (as my insurance sucks).

I already know that some of this might be mental but I'm up for trying anything to make things work for me.

Also, since I can't respond to this anonymously. I should state that I'm at a healthy weight, I mainly eat leafy greens, I don't exercise that much and I'm managing one or two stressful situations (but it's nothing I can't handle). I'm generally a happy guy, my girlfriend and I get along very well and we're very exploratory.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

One thing you didn't mention that could be affecting your situation is whether or not you're regularly taking any prescription medications. For instance, some antidepressants are notorious for having this effect... I was on Zoloft for a long time and one of the things that spurred me to go through the process of getting off of it (apart from it simply being time to do so, psychologically) was the effect this had on the relationship I was in at the time. If this is the case, I would suggest talking with your doctor or psychiatrist about the effects of any medications you're on and potential alternatives that don't have an anorgasmic effect.
posted by Kosh at 11:00 AM on March 31

The stock advice around AskMe is to stop masturbating. Completely. And take a week or two off using that thing at all. If the issue persists once you're completely blue-balled, go talk to a doctor.
posted by GuyZero at 11:13 AM on March 31

Depending on what you mean by "I mainly eat leafy greens," you might want to consider whether you have some kind of nutritional deficiency. Since we can't go into detail here, just think about it, look at what your diet has, what you need, etc.

I'm mostly vegan, and thought I was getting plenty of everything -- but it turned out I needed more vitamin D (my doctor did a test, and my levels were way low). I feel so much better now.
posted by amtho at 11:22 AM on March 31

I'm on Zoloft, which, as was mentioned earlier, has this effect. One thing I've found useful is Gingko Biloba. It increases the flow of blood to both the brain and the penis, making it easier to orgasm (and helping your memory too!). I usually take it in a tincture, but its available in supplements, teas, or as a loose herb. You might give it a shot. You have to take it daily and it takes awhile to really start having an effect.
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:42 AM on March 31

I have this problem when I'm very stressed out. The stress might be affecting you more than you think. Sometimes a lot more foreplay than usual will help me get in the zone, so to speak.
posted by Derive the Hamiltonian of... at 12:11 PM on March 31

The Medline entry on delayed ejaculation might be helpful.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:36 PM on March 31

Note that the stock Dan Savage/AskMe advice to stop masturbating is ridiculous.

The medline link explains it all:

Most men ejaculate within 2 to 4 minutes after onset of active thrusting in intercourse. Men with delayed ejaculation may be entirely unable to ejaculate in some circumstances (for example, during intercourse), or may only be able to ejaculate with great effort and after prolonged intercourse (for example 30 to 45 minutes).

The most common causes for delayed ejaculation are psychological. Common psychological causes include:

A strict religious background causing the person to view sex as sinful
Lack of attraction for a partner
Conditioning caused by unique or atypical masturbation patterns
Traumatic events (such as being discovered in masturbation or illicit sex, or learning one's partner is having an affair)
Some factors, such as anger toward the partner, may be involved.

Other causes:

Certain drugs (such as prozac, mellaril, and guanethidine)
Neurological disease such as strokes or nerve damage to the spinal cord or back

Note masturbation is nowhere in there. Go see a therapist.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:52 PM on March 31

Um, Ironmouth: Conditioning caused by unique or atypical masturbation patterns .
posted by paulg at 4:14 PM on March 31

It's by no means the only reason or even the most common reason, but ceasing masturbation is the easiest and cheapest thing to try before going to see the doctor. And as far as Internet Advice goes, it's unlikely to cause any harm.
posted by GuyZero at 4:25 PM on March 31

Try clearing your mind a little when you are having sex. The only thing running through your mind should be how awesome this person is, and how good it feels right now. Don't think about how good it will feel when you come, but simply focus on the sensations right at that moment.

(paulg- there is a huge difference between masturbating and unique and atypical masturbation.)
posted by gjc at 5:28 PM on March 31

Nthing stop whacking it for a time, but also adding: L-arginine is your friend.
posted by ostranenie at 8:30 PM on March 31

Lack of attraction for a partner

Do you fantasize that your partner is someone else and then feel guilty about it?

gjc has a good point; live for the moment, don't think about it, just feel it.

/possibly easier said than done
posted by porpoise at 9:51 PM on March 31

I know someone who's had this due to low testosterone levels (starting late 20s), but I'd look into medication side effects, nutrition, and the stressful situations first (stress can affect your body even when you don't feel like it's bothering you).
posted by Cricket at 8:34 PM on April 2