Spring Awakening?

March 27, 2009 11:02 PM

Initiating awkward hook-up time! So here's the deal, MeFi. I developed a major crush on a guy after only knowing him for about three weeks, and, in a drunken flirtation session, stupidly told him. The flirtation has since stopped - since he just got out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious, he thought it'd be unfair to me if we hooked up while I liked him (fair enough, I suppose). The thing is, after getting over the harshest part of the crush, I think I'd like to initiate something physical (only) with him.

I have no idea how to do this, being a 21-year-old completely inexperienced hook-upper. In the past I've been pretty obvious with my crush - I was shy, awkward, unable to maintain eye contact, etc. But how do I effectively communicate this change of heart and give him the green light, so to speak? I'm afraid he wouldn't take the chance.
Any thoughts would be appreciated!

posted by themaskedwonder to human relations (27 comments total)

If you're over liking this guy, then why hook up with him? Why not just hook up with any guy? Oh right, because you like this guy. It's a vicious cycle. I wouldn't recommend pursuing a hook-up with this guy. I think if it was going to happen, it would've happened back when you told him you liked him. To go back to a guy that already turned you down once seems like begging for punishment. If you're really just looking for a hook-up, I'd suggest finding someone you don't already have a history with.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:20 PM on March 27 [20 favorites]

What ThePinkSuperhero said.
posted by fructose at 11:25 PM on March 27

Trust me when I say that this is a terrible, terrible idea, for a variety of reasons that I'm too tired to type out. No-strings-attached hookups can be a great thing, but you need to look elsewhere.

Seriously, I wish I a) had a bullhorn and b) was sitting right next to you just so that I could scream "THIS IS A VERY VERY BAD IDEA" directly into your ear.
posted by lalex at 11:26 PM on March 27 [6 favorites]

I'm seconding ThePinkSuperhero and lalex. You may have gotten over the worst of the sting of rejection, but the fact that you're even entertaining this notion shows that you haven't gotten over him at all. You're kidding yourself with the belief that you only want a physical relationship. He'll see right through this, and you may very well destroy any chance of a future relationship with this guy. Just take him at his word, give him time to get over his breakup. Playing games with him now won't do you any favors.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:20 AM on March 28

Those naysayers don't want you to be happy. Go for it. Arrange for another drunken conversation with him and use that as an excuse to make your new intentions plain with plausible deniability of your intent to convey this to him.
posted by floam at 1:13 AM on March 28

If you told him you liked him, and he backed the hell off, then what's the point?

Find someone better. (and yes, we want you to be happy, we've just been there and know the score)
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:19 AM on March 28

If I were him and you told me this, I wouldn't believe you.
posted by aubilenon at 2:50 AM on March 28

I suggest broaching the subject casually. "D'you fancy a fuck?" is always a nice, direct way of going about this sort of thing. Just make sure you're totally cool and calm about it (I mean, that you actually are, not that you appear to be), and that you're prepared for him to say no.

You could end up getting hurt if you go into this expecting something other than what's likely to happen. If you're in the back of your mind hoping it might lead to a relationship, perhaps it's not the best idea to try this.

Something only physical could be a) just one night or b) a regular casual arrangement. You'd expect it to be fun, affectionate and non-monogamous. Have some fun together if he's up for it, just remember to enjoy the fling instead of imagining a future together that's unlikely to happen.
posted by teraspawn at 2:54 AM on March 28

You need to RUN SCREAMING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION FROM THIS GUY.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:50 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

Nthing the others saying "Don't do it!"

How will you really feel when you receive a message from this guy (you supposedly have no more feelings for) thanking you for being his "mindless fun"? TRUST ME ON THIS, it will hit home in a hurry. Run away, please.
posted by ourroute at 5:24 AM on March 28

The fact that he backed off so quickly when you revealed your crush makes me think he's not interested.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 5:26 AM on March 28 [4 favorites]

Sounds like you're not over your crush. Sounds like you're bargaining. Not judging. It's natural.
But don't do it.
posted by brevator at 5:45 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

Watch "He's just not that into you." If he was into you even a little he wouldn't turn you down by using the easiest excuse ever - "I just got out of a relationship and it wouldn't be fair to you." If he wanted to hook up with you he'd continue flirting.

If you do somehow convince him to hook up with you, do you really want to be hooking up with someone you like who's not interested in you? It'll only lead to you getting attached for no reason and getting hurt. Sure, the worst part of the crush is over, but you still like him and will still get hurt. I've been there, too many times. I wish that movie came out about 6 years ago, or I wish that my friends weren't so nice that they were too scared to tell me the truth - "oh, he seems to be scared of liking you too much, that's why he doesn't want to date you and is only hooking up with you and then not talking to you otherwise." WHAT? That makes no sense but before that movie I heard what I wanted to hear and always clung (clinged?) on to any hope, I would think "oh he didn't actually say no he really did just get out of a relationship." NO! If a guy likes you or wants you in any way, he shows it. End of story.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 6:51 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

nthing almost all of the above... Do NOT believe yourself! You are not over the crush. A crush is an attraction and if you are still looking for a way to be with this guy, telling yourself it's only the physical interaction you want is just a way to further that.

As brevator says Not judging. It's natural. But don't do it.

Let me restate - DONT' DO IT! The most likely outcome will be pain in one form or another.
posted by Weaslegirl at 7:05 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

Can I ask if you've been under a lot of stress lately? Humans often focus on sexual cravings or other distractors when they get in a situation which makes them anxious. If so, realize that once you get in there you will start focusing on your new FWB situation to avoid thinking about the stress and that's how you get sucked into these things.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:06 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

He doesn't want to hook up with you. Why would you want to subject yourself to a one night stand with a guy that has explicitly told you he is not interested. Do you think he'll change his mind and realize how swell you are once you sleep with him? It's not going to happen.

You'll be more attractive to people (and sleep better at night) if you respect yourself more. Don't "hook up" with guys that aren't interested in you as a person. That's just desperate and sad.
posted by Fairchild at 8:21 AM on March 28 [2 favorites]

If you want a no-strings-attached sex buddy, find one.

This guy is not one. A crush is a string. I applaud him for understanding that and backing off.

You will not woo him with the power of your magic vagina. You're 21, and you still think that's possible. It is not, and only sadness and tears (for you) are at the end of that road.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:51 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

Don't "hook up" with guys that aren't interested in you as a person. That's just desperate and sad.

I disagree with this advice--no-strings-attached sex can be fun! And it's not "desperate and sad" for women to want that.

What is sad is hooking up with someone who isn't on the same page with you about what they want from the connection. If you want love and he wants a roll in the hay, you'll be sad and he'll feel awkward. If you want a roll in the hay and he wants love, you'll feel awkward and he'll be sad.

By some miracle, I never experienced the first scenario myself, but I've been in the second scenario and OMG AWKWARD WANT TO TEAR YOUR SKIN OFF IN STRIPS.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:54 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

The poster is 21-years-old and is inexperienced in the world of sex and love. She likes a guy that doesn't like her. Call me a prude, but most people are looking for love when they take their clothes off, whether they'd like to admit it or not.

A 21-year-old woman looking to sleep with a guy that told her he wasn't interested is sad and desperate. I'm not judging anonymous, I've been in her shoes, and it's not a healthy place to be.
posted by Fairchild at 12:17 PM on March 28 [1 favorite]

Call me a prude, but most people are looking for love when they take their clothes off, whether they'd like to admit it or not.

I'm not going to call you a prude, but I don't think this is accurate at all. For men or women. Especially for people in their early 20s.

I totally agree with you that it would be wrong for her to sleep with the guy she has a crush on who isn't interested in her, though.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:47 PM on March 28

I developed a major crush on a guy after only knowing him for about three weeks, and, in a drunken flirtation session, stupidly told him. The flirtation has since stopped...

Either he's not into you, or he's staving off the inevitable rebound with you, which feeds back into the first explanation. Since you're only 21, and by all rights still a baby in the land of sexing, here's a mantra to save you the trouble of your early twenties:

Only have sex with awesome people who think you're equally awesome.

Any other scenario is probably a waste of your time.
posted by zoomorphic at 2:07 PM on March 28 [2 favorites]

Add me to the list of "been there, done that"s. I was in your exact position a few years ago: escalating flirtation, I confessed feelings, he nicely turned me down, I decided to pursue a "casual" hook-up and we spent the next four months in the most excruciatingly awful back and forth.

I would resolve to stop pursuing him, he would miss the attention and start pursuing me, I would reciprocate, we would hook up, one or both of us would feel awful about it, I'd ignore him, he would miss the attention...and on, and on, and on. It only stopped when I moved to another city and had the physical distance to realize how insane the whole thing was. And once I got some distance, I realized how much the whole thing fucked with me emotionally. I got emotionally involved in a way that wouldn't have happened if I'd just took him at his word when he turned me down. As it was, it took me a long time to get over the whole thing, and nothing good came out of it. Even just writing about this is bringing back all those feelings, and it's not pleasant.

This is an extreme example, and there were other things going on that complicated it, but I've seen this happen with other friends, and it really never ends well.
posted by wholebroad at 6:13 PM on March 28 [2 favorites]

If a hook-up was going to happen, it should've happened during the drunken flirtation session, immediately after you told him you liked him.

But to answer your question... I suppose if you could rig another drunken flirtation session - oh wait, he's not flirting with you anymore, right?

Nope, don´t bother.
posted by Locochona at 7:07 PM on March 28

I've done something similar. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend, just good enough for him to use for sex. It was like a terrible burning knife in my gut that I had to settle for what little I could have of him, and that I always wanted so much more. The feelings of worthlessness were tremendous. It took a long time to pry myself out of his bed, and I am still ashamed that it took so long to stop doing something that was so obviously idiotic and painful for me.

Please, learn from the mistakes of those of us who have posted in this thread that we've been there.
posted by marble at 8:44 PM on March 28 [2 favorites]

yes, you have to begin working harder at recognizing the 'he's just not that into you' signs. believe me, when it gets to the point that you're chasing after him and he fails to return your calls/texts/emails, you will be left feeling humiliated and wondering what went wrong. and it's precisely because you managed to convince yourself at the beginning that there was something there that really wasn't. the awful fact of the matter is that many guys have a tendency to flirt -- whether they're dating someone else, married, or simply not interested. so don't let that be your compass; instead rely on whether the guy is pursuing you in an honest and direct manner. if he isn't doing that, then if you can help it don't put yourself in the position to be rejected again (or again and again). and why not? because it turns out it's not all fun and games, happy flings and f*** buddies. it's also about feeling hurt and suffering from a case of dwindling self-respect. so keep that in mind before embarking on this path of hook-upperdom.
posted by afabulousbeing at 9:51 PM on March 28

thanks guys - you're right. you're so so right. i guess sometimes you need the objective voices of strangers to knock some sense into your head...my friends have been giving me bs since this started. and anyway, he's just a great person overall, and i don't want to ruin a potential friendship over some misguided attempt at a FWB situation that's basically doomed to fail anyway...
and this is why i'm glad mefi exists.
posted by themaskedwonder at 11:50 AM on March 29

thanks guys - you're right. you're so so right.

I'm glad we made you realized that! Sorry we were all so harsh and rude and blunt, I felt a bit like a bitch writing what I did, but friends just usually don't give you the truth like that, so someone had to.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 1:06 PM on March 29