How to not care what people think of me.

March 27, 2009 8:22 PM

How do I not care what strangers think of me, especially on the internet?

In particular, on internet forums (not metafilter). I try to stay within a certain bounds and keep my opinions on the subject at hand. I try to never make it personal.

But sometimes when someone is especially vicious back, attacks, it really affects me. And I hate this because I know it shouldn't; I know they're probably only trying to get a rise out of me. But I sit there trying to type and my hands actually tremble.

I've tried just leaving the conversation, but I find I'm still thinking about hours later at the book store, or at work, or while sleeping. How can I stop this behavior? I feel so dumb asking this question, but but I hate this about myself.

For what it's worth, in face to face / real life situations, I'm actually fine in this regards. Only on the internet do I have this problem.

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 comments total)

Perhaps give these forums a break?
posted by Burhanistan at 8:24 PM on March 27

Seriously, this helps me.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:26 PM on March 27 [10 favorites]

I've found that chuckling "oh, fuck you, too!" helps.
posted by notsnot at 8:29 PM on March 27 [1 favorite]

Every second spent trolling you is a second not spent doing something worthwhile. People that spend time figuring out ways to get on other people's nerves don't leave themselves enough time to become intelligent, interesting people. For most purposes, talking on the internet is nothing: it doesn't become associated with you, nobody knows someone flamed you on some forum, they don't know you so it can't possibly reflect on you. Take solace in being better than the people that have time to bother you.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:31 PM on March 27 [1 favorite]

I remind myself how nice, capable and adored I am IRL, and how I will help strangers whenever I can. Even the ones who secretly troll on the internet. Being harassed online is a manifest test of nice people's resolve. It shows that being kind is sometimes thankless. Push yourself to rise above the frustration at this fact of life.

My mantra when I am frustrated by this is "Well, at least I'm not an asshole."
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:39 PM on March 27 [7 favorites]

When you find yourself in this situation, with trembly hands, an elevated heart rate, and the desire to just jump right in and say whatever is on your mind, try this one thing:

Go ahead and type what you want, spell check it, grammar check it, whatever you normally do; but then tell yourself you won't hit post for 10 minutes. Get up and walk around the house, go to the bathroom, fill up your drink, play with the dog, whatever. When you come back to the computer after 10 minutes, reread your comment. If you still feel it needs said, then by all means, click post.

If not, then you've probably saved yourself even more aggravation and you can simply move on to another thread or conversation.
posted by netbros at 8:57 PM on March 27

That kind of antagonisation irritates me also, but I don't outwardly show it. Rather, I get a "kick" out of remaining as calm and collected as possible, since it tends to further aggravate my adversary.
posted by crn at 9:02 PM on March 27 [3 favorites]

Only fight with people who are wrong. And get the last word. Then you're the winner. Winning is fun. Even if it's just a silly internet fight.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:27 PM on March 27 [3 favorites]

ANONYMOUS YOU ARE SO GODDAMN HUMAN AND HEALTHY YOU SHOULD NOT HATE THIS ABOUT YOURSELF BE GLAD YOU HAVE SENSITIVITY YOU ARE NOT DUMB TO ASK THIS QUESTION!! IT SEEMS LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SO TOUGH AND STRONG BUT THEY ARE REALLY NOT THEY JUST WANT YOU TO THINK THAT!!!!!DON'T EVER HATE YOURSELF BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU HATE YOURSELF FOR IS A LIE BASED ON BULLSHIT!!!AND I LOVE YOU FOR ASKING THIS QUESTION!!!!!
posted by longsleeves at 10:39 PM on March 27 [30 favorites]

I think this is kinda normal, I used to be MUCH more affected by my virtual interactions, but I'm over it now.

I think... you just need to have a talk with yourself when this kind of thing happens. Don't criticize yourself... just tell yourself, yeah, this is really annoying and it's a shame this person needs to react this way. Even though I feel bad right now, I'm not going to let a person I don't even know and never will have to meet mess with my head...

You may also combine that with standing up for yourself. Say what you think, and see what happens. You could also confront your stress over these kinds of things... what's going to happen, what's the worse that could happen in a situation like this?

These things get so out of control, because are so many ways to misunderstand things - people can be sarcastic or dry or just not use exclamation points or smilies, and it's very easy to perceive them as being REALLY ANGRY.

You really have to be realistic - you don't know the person, it's crappy that they use the internet to let out their inner jerk, and maybe they didn't mean it to sound as nasty as your imagination makes it.
posted by Locochona at 11:02 PM on March 27

Remember that they're strangers. They don't know the real you, so who cares what they think?

Think about your friends and family... those who do like or love you.

Know that many of the vicious ones would not likely have the guts to say awful things to you in person. They're hiding behind the (perceived) anonymity of the internet.

And sometimes, when the bad outweighs the good, you just have to walk away from a forum, quietly, and realize that some people are just jerks. Take the high road and don't give in to the urge to flame out.
posted by IndigoRain at 11:44 PM on March 27

For what it's worth, this only bothers me when it's a forum-type-place with my real name. When it's not, I can laugh at my fake self and say "Oh, fudgelover79, it's true. You ARE an idiot like this guy says."

Okay, maybe it's schizophrenia, but is that necessarily bad?
posted by rokusan at 11:45 PM on March 27 [1 favorite]

I tend to class people who post personal attacks on the internet as being "losers" and I just write them off, sorta the way I don't let it bug me when dogs bark at me from behind a fence as I walk past. There's about as much intent and intelligence behind it. Yeah yeah, woof woof, I don't want your stupid, pee-scented yard, dog. Geeze.
posted by The otter lady at 12:08 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

That xkcd cartoon really is helpful to me. I have printed copies by my various desktops, and I call it to mind whenever I feel on the verge.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:25 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

This bothers me, too. I wish it didn't, but it does. I also hate it when people imply there's something wrong w/you if it's possible to get your feelings hurt online -- like, what do you care what a bunch of strangers think?

I think it's lovely that some people float through life on a cloud of perfect emotional security that's the result of thousands of terrifically logical thought processes and that stone throwing from BudLightBoy19702* isn't going to upset them, but unfortunately, that person isn't me and I don't even want to be that armored against the world. Aren't we all distanced enough from each other as it is?

So, I don't really have advice. I do try to keep responses to such things neutral and lacking in any hooks that will propel the argument further, like if they tell me that not only am I terrible llama, but I'm the worst freaking llama ever and all the other llamas laugh at me, I might as well be a horse for all my llama-skills, I might just say 'That's a very unkind thing to say.' which addresses the behavior but doesn't provide any further room for debate about what a sucky llama I am.

*And hey, screw BudLightBoy19702. That guy's a moron.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:38 AM on March 28 [3 favorites]

Wait until you find someone who's about as ignorant as you are. I'm saying that in a good way, cause some people come online not realizing there's an "online mentality" and *ignorantly* acts normal and isn't using the internet to boost their lack of real world personality.

Find those ones. Ignore the rest.
posted by 0217174 at 12:46 AM on March 28

"Well, at least I'm not an asshole."

Yes! Repeat this as long as necessary.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:23 AM on March 28

I realised once that you can only be offended by someone's opinion of you, if you respect their opinion. If you think they're an idiot, or don't actually know you well enough at all to form an opinion of you, then they can't harm you.
posted by Solomon at 1:31 AM on March 28

Nobody on the internet knows you. All they know of you is what you write. You can strive for clarity in any posts that you make, but since you're dealing with a form of communication that's basically limited to text, misunderstandings are inevitable - the physical cues that we are all used to in daily interactions just aren't there.

Be courteous, kind and thoughtful, just as you would be in everyday life, and understand that there are a lot of jerks out there, and many of them have internet access. There's not a lot more that you can do beyond that.

Trolls aren't worth a second of your time. Picture them typing at their little 'puters in their underwear, sporting a Mickey Mouse beany while some insipid ditty plays in the background.

Works for me.
posted by metagnathous at 2:05 AM on March 28

Come play a competitive FPS with a shitty community. You'll get over it pretty quick. People say literally anything and everything so you spend your time typing or raging instead of playing well. Forums are only slightly different, people are trolling you for lulz instead of frags. The game is to get you to rage or post in reflex. If you wanna shut them down, do it calmly and with plenty of thought, but on the whole they're just out there for kicks. Some boards have very low standards, if this were ranked in real life terms of social interaction.
posted by Submiqent at 4:29 AM on March 28

Because you're fucking conceited, that's way. Why the fuck should you think you're better than all of us on the internet? Because you have....... EMOTION? Why don't you take your emo-self and stand in front of a moving bus, you stupid prick. "Oh I'm special because I care what people say...." Believe me, you're not special. NO ONE cares about what you say in teh internets. Stop being so self absorbed and get yourself a real life. If you don't like what I'm saying then FUCK OFF. Because believe me, it doesn't matter what you or anyone else says to fire back to this remark because I'm doing it to prove a point so suck it. In fact, I'm doing this purposefully to fuck with you because you need to be fucked with.

Now you can go on your little walks and I wish you would take a picture of yourself because I would LOVE to see your face as you fume over this comment. That would bring me soooo much pleasure just knowing that you're taking me with you. Yes, I would LOVE being that piece of shit bobbing in and out of the tip of your ass and there's no toilet in sight. HA HA HA your a suxor!!!

Seriously, chatting on the internet is like chatting in person. If a person is making a valid point contrary to yours without being insulting, then defend your position if you so wish, or else leave the conversation having learned something and another point of view. In those cases, I don't mind taking a bit of the conversation with me because I find it enriching. But if some stranger starts cursing and demeaning, you walk away. When there's a fine line between the two, you have to find out where that line lies.
posted by spoons at 7:08 AM on March 28 [2 favorites]

I've thought about this some, too. I still occasionally have trouble with it, but it has helped me a lot to realize that, not only are people online "just trying to get a rise" out of me, they genuinely don't believe any of the insults they're laying on me. Like, not at all. Not one iota. For the vast majority of attackers (you might say trolls), the internet is literally like a text adventure game. I am just the unfortunate object that has stumbled into their sights, and they are pushing buttons to see what response they can get. In this instance, I am not a person, because they can't possibly know anything about me as a person. I am just a bunch of words on a screen.

When people start getting all stupid on me, I refuse to engage in it. I actually type a single "No" as a way of expressing my blanket refusal of everything they're saying, and the entire situation -- and then I remove myself, either just from further contributing to the conversation, or physically from the computer. When I say "No" I actually feel a bit like Bartleby.

Just...no. Everything you're saying is false, and, no, I absolutely will not engage in it and legitimize it for even one second. No.

(I may be crazy, however, so I don't know if this will work for you. But seriously, I know what you're saying and I've been there too. I think we all have. And we all develop idiosyncratic little ways of dealing with it.)

Okay, so for the real advice: if you're still thinking about how someone has belittled you hours after the fact, the one thing I have found that makes this go away is to do a thought record, the kind you learn to do in cognitive behavioural therapy. You write down the situation, then you write down your automatic thoughts about what happened ("Oh my God, this person was so mean to me! It's so unfair! Am I really an idiot like they said?"), and then you come up with a rational response ("Wait a second. This person doesn't know me from Adam. Even if they really meant the insult, it's not like they have some special insight into my character that makes it true. And why do I feel like everyone must be nice to me all the time? The world is full of random assholes, or people having a bad day, and they take it out on whoever is around. I'm bound to run across it at some point, just like everyone else. It really has nothing to do with me.") And somehow, the act of writing this down and going through these logical steps makes it stop. If you do this each time the situation arises, I think after a while the thought process will become second-nature, and will occur within the situation, before you walk away feeling upset.

And, this last suggestion is really unethical, but I admit to doing it once (though I did 'fess up in the end and made nice with everyone.) Perform an experiment where you masquerade as a troll for one day. Go to a forum you have little/no connection to, don't be seriously demeaning or cruel to people, but stir the pot a little bit. Act like an idiot. Get people involved in pointless arguments that you're not actually invested in. See what it's like to be on the other end of the situation. Are you actually thinking that these people are morons, or are you just messing around? Do you actually know anything about them? No, you don't. You're just being an ass for the sake of it.

Anyway, best of luck. I know how much it can suck.
posted by peggynature at 7:14 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

Unless you rely on them for a job or other things you need in meatspace or they're your friend, who gives a fuck?
posted by kldickson at 9:09 AM on March 28 [1 favorite]

Maybe this of it like this: it is very very easy to write something cutting and nasty - it's almost a thoughtless reflex for some people, myself included -- but it's difficult to write something engaging/funny/delightful. People whose internet persona is based on being aggressive and argumentative are simply bad writers.
posted by dydecker at 12:18 PM on March 28 [2 favorites]

"And, this last suggestion is really unethical, but I admit to doing it once (though I did 'fess up in the end and made nice with everyone.) Perform an experiment where you masquerade as a troll for one day. Go to a forum you have little/no connection to, don't be seriously demeaning or cruel to people, but stir the pot a little bit. Act like an idiot. Get people involved in pointless arguments that you're not actually invested in. See what it's like to be on the other end of the situation. Are you actually thinking that these people are morons, or are you just messing around? Do you actually know anything about them? No, you don't. You're just being an ass for the sake of it."

I know just the place: anonymous trolling is de-rigeur at Crazy on Tap.
posted by Muffy at 12:55 PM on March 28

I quoted this in a MeTa thread a while back, and it amuses/helps me:

Internet forums bring out the worst of humanity: stupid irrational egomaniacs telling each other how much they hate everything. Getting bothered by it is like reading "FUCK YOU" on a bathroom wall and saying, "Fuck ME!? H-how DARE they!!"

posted by Metroid Baby at 1:22 PM on March 28 [2 favorites]

Heh. You mean Proof of John Gabriel's Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory
posted by MesoFilter at 6:01 PM on March 28

Because it's easy to be an asshole to words than people.

(also from XKCD)
posted by jstarlee at 7:21 AM on March 29

I've always feared my over-sensitivity. And that fear extended to the Internet. Lately, I've subconsciously taken a different tact. I've decided to pick up the microphone and brave the waters of team chat while playing first person shooters. I've decided to post stupid reaction videos of myself on YouTube and let the comments stream in (these are the worst, some guy said I'm a waste of space, another guy said I'm a petaphile). And I've taken to reading and posting on reddit.com . Maybe this is just a way of creating a high-water mark for me so that normal trolling from people doesn't bother me.
posted by pauldonato at 3:24 AM on March 30