How can I make sex less painful and more desirable?
March 26, 2009 3:23 PM Subscribe
Sex is nearly always painful, which is probably why I rarely want it. How can I fix this?
I've been married for 6 years, and my wedding night was the first time I had sex (though it wasn't for my husband). It was fairly painful and there was quite a bit of blood (which was probably normal), although there was definitely pleasure as well. Since then, I have not been able to have sex without bleeding a little, and it is usually painful. I can't tell where the blood comes from. The pain is at the vaginal opening and almost feels like I'm tearing, although I don't think I am. It doesn't feel like a spasm and it does subside after a little bit, but I am usually sore afterwards.
I've talked to my doctor about this and she's examined me a couple of times, and found nothing wrong. I do get the occasional yeast infection but it clears up with treatment. My husband is not exactly small, which may have something to do with it. Lube helps. :-) Foreplay doesn't seem to make much difference unless there's almost none, but that's usually not an issue.
I really do enjoy sex once we get going. However, it's getting going at all that's a problem. I think subconsciously I expect it to hurt and so I avoid it. It doesn't help that I'm on antidepressants and hormonal birth control, both of which help kill any sex drive I do have; the depression itself probably contributes too. As far as oral sex goes...further confirming that I (well, we) are just plain weird - we both really enjoy giving oral sex but feel uncomfortable receiving it.
I guess I need help with two things. One: how can I make sex stop hurting? Two: what can I do to make myself *want* to have sex? Like I said, we both love it once we get going, but initiating it is hard - I just can't work up the desire. My husband and I have a loving, normal relationship otherwise, and we communicate more openly than most couples I know. We've talked about this multiple times and he insists that he feels fulfilled/satisfied, etc. But I still feel like I'm depriving him of a healthy, active sex life. We have sex probably 10-15 times a year. That doesn't really bother either of us, but I feel like it *should*. Hence this question.
Any advice is welcome. Throwaway email is email@example.com