Starting all over again is going to be rough

March 25, 2009 2:31 PM

Am I being a damned fool?

I was dating a woman for a little over 3 years, and we recently split up over our inability to agree on moving in with one another: I want to, she says that she's not ready. We've gone back and forth on this for about six months, and I initiated the break-up, but am now wondering whether I've made a very stupid mistake.

In every other respect, we've been very happy - we're both somewhat crabby and retiring, with ridiculously specific tastes. We're in our late 30s, and it's now obvious to both of us how hard it is to find anyone that we feel simpatico with, and are attracted to. She's given the following reasons:

1. She's trying to finish her PhD, and can't deal with the stress of moving right now (this is year 5, with 2+ to go)

2. It was very difficult for her to get over her last, 10+ year live-in relationship, and she's skittish about having to go through that again

She says that she just needs more time, but can't be any more specific than that. I've reached a point where the emotional security and, frankly, "adultness" (for lack of a better word) of a relationship with some formal demonstration of a commitment seems key to my being happy - but I also realize how difficult it will be to start over, and it's proving really, really hard to let go of the good aspects of our relationship.

Am I being too impatient? Holding myself to a schedule that's going end up working against my being happy? I'm really at a loss here - any suggestions from someone who's been here, or thinking more clearly than I am at the moment will be greatly appreciated

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

I haven't been there, but I find reason #2 more plausible than reason #1. The problem is that there's no reason to think that, after 5 years, reason #2 will ever go away by itself. She''s either going to face her fear or she isn't. Time isn't going to take care of it for her.

So, I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I would like to think you could deal with it in some more constructive way than breaking things off entirely. Have you tried couples counseling?
posted by jon1270 at 2:40 PM on March 25

You have no assurance that once she finishes her PHD that she will feel differently, especially when you take her issues with the previous relationship into consideration. This is your call, really - only you know how much of a deal breaker this is for you.

As for the damn fool part - avoiding the work of starting over is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship. Yes, it can seem daunting, but you have no idea whether you will meet another person tomorrow that you absolutely click with and who has the same relationship needs as you.

You really need to figure out just what it is that you want from this relationship and whether or not you think that you are going to get it. It's sounds like you aren't really too clear on the specifics of what you want, and that's going to make it tough to weigh your options. Missing someone and not wanting to start over aren't reasons enough to stay in a relationship that doesn't give you what you need.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:46 PM on March 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

I starting reading and thought, "Well, three years is a long time to be waiting . . . " and then I read this: It was very difficult for her to get over her last, 10+ year live-in relationship, and she's skittish and thought "Oh."

If I had to guess--and I will!--she's probably got it in her mind that she's happy with you now, but moving in together will blow everything up. You say you're otherwise very happy and a good fit, so why force the issue and lose all that? I'd say continue to be patient, and every now and then--say, once a year--drop her a gentle reminder. "Hey, that offer still stands for moving in together, if you feel like talking some more about that."
posted by Skot at 2:46 PM on March 25

...after 5 3 years...
posted by jon1270 at 2:49 PM on March 25

Consider the advantages of living by yourself. You don't have to worry if you forgot to put the toothpaste away, or left the drawer open, or put the towel on the floor instead of in the hamper, or left your shoes beside your bed instead of in the closet. When you have a live-in partner you have to be more conscious of when you fart, burp, pick your nose, scratch your ass, or do any of the generally disgusting everyday things.

Am I being a damned fool? Am I being too impatient?

Yes, in my opinion. It sounds like your friend enjoys your company, just not wall-to-wall. She may like to enjoy some of the advantages of living alone, for now, after her previous relationship. Back off for awhile. Continue to date regularly, but go home to your own freedom at the end of the date. When she is ready, you both will know.
posted by netbros at 2:55 PM on March 25

In every other respect, we've been very happy

Yes, but you're not happy with where the relationship is going (or not going, actually), and this is very important. You're not being a damn fool in the least. If you are acknowledging and expressing what you need in this relationship and your partner can't or won't provide that, you need to decide whether a) that need is not important to you after all and you can live without it being met or b) it's a deal breaker and you need to move on.

It sounds like it is important to you and what is holding you back is the pain of breaking up. Breaking up is painful, yes, and generates ideas about how you will never ever meet anyone else you will click with, but don't let this stop you from making the right choice. You will get over it, and free yourself to meet someone you truly DO click with and who wants the same things as you.

any suggestions from someone who's been here
Yep, been there.
posted by agent99 at 3:01 PM on March 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't think you're being too impatient at all. You've made it clear that this is a deal-breaker for you, and I think that's perfectly reasonable. You've discussed it with her for 1/6 of your relationship, which certainly isn't jumping the gun.

Perhaps you could have set this as an ultimatum rather than a breakup, although I'm not sure that would have worked any better for you. Perhaps she will think that she's being a damned fool and will come back to ask for another chance (would you take her up on it?) but if not, I still think you made the right decision.

Would proposing ease her fears? Is it something you'd be prepared to do?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:02 PM on March 25

Starting all over again is going to be rough.

No, it won't. What will be rough is either A) you force the move-in issue and the relationship dies because she's unhappy, or C) you don't force the move-in issue, the relationship sputters along and eventually dies because you're unhappy.

Option C -- end the relationship now while everyone is still sane and nobody needs to get a lawyer -- seems to be what you went for, and IMO, was the right call.

Starting all over again is going to be rough.

I'll say it again. No, it won't. It will only be rough if you frame it like that and react to it like that. Is camping "rough" because you don't take along your favorite blanket? We call it "roughing it," but we actually enjoy it.

You're free and clear right now. Enjoy the hell out of it. A year from now, you'll kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

People are like trains. Miss one, catch another. They're all operating out of the same station on the same set of tracks.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:08 PM on March 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

Starting over again may well be pretty tough. But I think that's basically irrelevant to your decision about this relationship.

What I think is relevant: people are not trains. If you have something special with someone, you need to do whatever you can to keep it and encourage it and help it grow. If you aren't willing to compromise for love, you are never going to find love that lasts.

I think you are being a damn fool. But then again living together wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me after three years. Maybe after five years. But that's me. You need to take the time to consider what it is about living together that is so important to you. It sounds like you need emotional security but it isn't clear to me why you can't have this and still live apart. You say you need "adultness" but it isn't clear what this means. Ultimately the only person who can really weigh these concerns is you.

But imagine a year or two from now if she decides she is ready to live together. Imagine if you are still together five years after that. Will the delay in living together really matter to you anymore? If you really want to be an adult about this, think about the big picture.

This is totally contrary to the kind of live-in-the-moment love advice I usually give and live by, but, well, it seems like the season of people breaking up for insufficient reasons and I am tired of it.
posted by mai at 3:31 PM on March 25

You have something that's important to you here. You have to defend your bottom line on your priorities sometime. If not now, when?
posted by salvia at 3:32 PM on March 25

Ask yourself this: would you be happy to be with this woman if you knew she never wanted to move in with you? If she told you flat out, "I want to live alone for the rest of my life?"

If you would not be happy living separately for the duration of your relationship, forever if you're planning to be together for the rest of your lives, then you are right to break up. You should not make a relationship contingent on one of the partners having to change.

If you believe you could be happy always living apart, it might be worth exploring reconciliation. If what you need from her is an answer to the question, "under what circumstances would you live with me?" and it's just the not knowing that hurts, that's a good place to start a conversation. But if you need her to say yes, and she doesn't want to say yes, breaking up is the right choice.
posted by decathecting at 3:46 PM on March 25

"some formal demonstration of a commitment" does not necessarily necessitate living together. Then again, I'm engaged and in a long-distance relationship. What do I know?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:09 PM on March 25

She cannot possibly make this decision while she is finishing her dissertation. I don't know if you, Anonymous, have ever written a dissertation, but it is a mind-eating, soul-destroying process during which you really can't make key life decisions.

Now that doesn't mean you have to wait around. This might be a deal-breaker for you, and you need to respect your own boundaries.

But she is not shooting you a line by saying she can't make this decision until she finishes the diss. Of course, the other question is that once she finishes the diss, she may find that the only teaching job available in her field is at Southwest Nebraska State University, and you may not want to move there, and that would be a whole other mess.

So there's a question. If she's planning to pursue a life in academia, do you really feel up to either traipsing around the country/continent/world following jobs?
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:40 PM on March 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

Would proposing ease her fears? Is it something you'd be prepared to do?

yeah . . . this.

i lived with someone, and ultimately realized that i didn't want to be married to him, so we broke up and he moved out. it was rough, and i regret it because i should have known better. now i'm dating someone else who wants to live together and i tell him no. at the moment, i'm not interested in living with anyone again unless we are engaged. and i'm not ready to be engaged to this guy.

it's not designed to be an ultimatum ("i'll only live with you if you propose.") its just that living together and then breaking up, dividing all your stuff, moving on, etc is incredibly difficult. i don't want to do it again unless i feel at least 99% certain that it won't end with a breakup-and-moveout. obviously, you can't predict these things, but i think being engaged is a good indication that you're on the right track.

not everyone feels this way. but i do, and maybe she does too. you have to think about why her other relationship lasted ten years, and then ended. i bet there's a good chance they realized it was heading south long before the 10-year mark. but when you've invested so much time and work in building a home together, it makes it that much harder to admit and accept that's it's over. so you just get stuck trying to salvage something that's beyond hope. it's hard. maybe she is afraid of falling into that trap again.

i also agree with what everyone is saying about dissertation hell. i'm just a masters student (thank god) but i see the misery and stress my classmates are dealing with. i wouldn't want to deal with a major life change either. again, what if you moved in, then broke up next year? then she would REALLY be screwed when trying to focus on finishing. she'd have a nervous breakdown.

on the other hand, maybe her reluctance to move in could be indicative of her overall reluctance to commit to you. how did she react to the breakup? if it was mutual, or she seems to be handling it okay, then maybe it's what she wanted. if she really still wants to be with you though, then yeah, i would reconsider, and try to respect her on this issue a bit more. but if living together is truly your key to being happy, then maybe you should both spend some time seeing what else is out there before you just get back together because it's easy.
posted by lblair at 5:35 PM on March 25

yeah, seems to me that proposing and living apart might satisfy your need for commitment and "moving forward" and her need to live alone while she finishes her work.
posted by Maias at 5:56 PM on March 25

I am there right now, so maybe I can help with your girlfriend's point of view. I've been dating someone for about 2 years and we're both around 40. We currently have separate homes. I'm perfectly happy with this living arrangement but my partner is not, for many of the same reasons you have.

First, don't underestimate how hard it may be for her to move in with someone after a failed 10-year relationship. That's a very real pain that I'm also trying to avoid, having come from a disastrous live-in relationship myself. I believe in my heart that I will get to a place where I'll want to live with someone again, but right now the idea fills me with terror. I'm traveling along the spectrum of "Never again!" to "Right now, please!" and I'm somewhere in the middle at the moment, but trending more toward wanting to live together as time goes on.

I absolutely don't think you're being impatient. You have every right to pursue the happiness that's right for you. If she thinks she'll never be at a point where she feels comfortable living with you, then that's one thing. If she needs more time, well, only you can decide when enough is enough. But, no, you're not being selfish.

One thing I'm curious about is whether you've ever lived with a person you were involved with? People who've never lived with someone tend to romanticize it when, in reality, it's damn hard work. It's worth it when you find the right person but as netbros rightly says, living alone has its charms.

My partner has never been able to articulate to me what it is that appeals to him so much about living together other than "he just wants to." I'm of the opinion that if things are working now, we'd be nuts to rock the boat. (Of course, the argument can be made that things aren't working out the way he wants, but I'm speaking of the larger picture.)

He and I are very happy together, but also very different. I'm a morning person, he's a night owl. I like schedules and lists, he is more free-spirited. I'm a neatnik, he's not. He's impulsive, I'm not. Because our jobs can be quite hectic, we both value our time alone. I'm sure you can see why I worry that moving in together will blow up in my face.

Another important thing to look at is what a "formal demonstration of a commitment" looks like to you. Shared bank account? Wedding? Monogrammed towels? Will living together be enough if that's all it ever is, or will you want a deeper form of commitment down the road?

What are your reasons for wanting to live together? Economic? Logistical? Is it because you think it means she'll never leave you? Is it because you worry what people think about you being so obviously single? Don't get me wrong, those are very legitimate reasons for wanting to move in together, but they are your reasons. Don't make them hers.

I can't say for sure of course, but if she loves you she probably feels lousy on some level for not being able to go along with what you obviously want so much (wow, am I projecting here or what?). I know I feel downright miserable sometimes that I'm so reluctant to take that next step, but, like your girlfriend, I have my reasons. I suspect some of mine are rooted in fear; perhaps hers are too? That might be something worth exploring -- ask her what it would take to ease some of her fears?

Believe me when I tell you that I know this is a very difficult and complex situation. I'm typically not one to put my relationship issues on public display, but this is something that weighs on my mind daily and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through it. I'm eager to hear what others have to say and, by all means, feel free to MeMail me anytime.
posted by _Mona_ at 6:14 PM on March 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

As a general rule of thumb, my experience & observation is that couples who don't move in together within about the first two years are doomed, especially when one partner wants it to happen.

There might be exceptions for plausible reasons (can't think of any off the top of my head, but let's say compelling work or financial ones that would make living together logistically or practically impossible) but personally I don't think "finishing a PhD" would count - what does that excuse mean, exactly? That she thinks of you as more of a potential hindrance than a benefit or support in a domestic sense.

That really doesn't sound favourable, considering that living together is meant to be mutually beneficial & mutually supportive. It seems that she doesn't see it that way.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:30 PM on March 25