My social life is the most awkward it has ever been.

March 25, 2009 2:31 PM

Friends and what to do with them. Long story follows.

I apologize if this question is long and rambly and a little incoherent. I'm a 20-year-old college student, currently taking a year off. This is fucking with my social life pretty badly, and I'm usually an introvert, but I've got more me-time on my hands than is probably good for me.

My entire social life is halfway across the country; I've got nobody that I actually talk to in the city where my folks live. The friend I talk to the most these days lives almost halfway around the world, and the other friends I have (though frankly, the only one who really acts much like a friend is the one that lives halfway around the world) frankly just aren't around enough on the internets to talk much.

I had some fairly nasty depression and anxiety for the last couple of semesters that was only recently resolved, and that has probably tainted my interactions with the people on campus.

Never mind the fact that I am exceedingly slow to make friends, exceedingly slow to trust people and open up, and have sometimes even wondered whether there was actually much of a point to having friends (in a philosophical sense; I know the social use of them, but have rarely felt enticed to have any).

Other relevant information might be the fact that I seem to be the person always taking initiative to contact people; maybe I do it too much, except when I've backed off, the other person's backed off too and the friendship has dissolved. I've wondered pretty frequently whether this is due to just them or to the possibility that I may, in fact, be an annoying person. Also, when I get back on campus, I'll probably tend to hang around grad students a little, being that I'll be 21 and I have a distinct tendency to hang around people older than I am, but there's the question of 'can they relate to me since they're where I'll be in a few years? They're doing their graduate course work and slaving over their labs and I'm still in undergraduate test-taking mode'. I have always, always, always been in awkward positions socially - people my age I have found kind of stultifying and people older than me I have had fun talking to but they've had difficulty relating to me.

I also suck badly at conversation with respect to actually enjoying it; sometimes it all feels kind of forced and artificial to me - a better way to put this might be 'I hate small talk.'

I am also not in the business of short-term friendships or very, very loose social connections that are more about name-dropping than actual friendship.

I'm in therapy, so you need not recommend that.

What do I do in this one year off that I have with regards to my social life since none of it is currently where I am?

posted by anonymous to human relations (9 comments total)

Are you working during this one year off? What are you doing all day? Make some temporary friends. Volunteer, or find link minded folks at your place of employ, and get to know them better. If you tell them straight up that you will be leaving for school again in a set number of months, most people will be happy to form fairly sociable, light hearted friendships with you. This is assuming you aren't a serious downer to be around. But you say that you are in therapy, so if this is an issue you are probably working on it.

The key to this, I have found, is wanting company over meaningful companionship. Even the shallow stuff, the small talk and the mix tapes and the who would win in a fight discussions, has merit, and fills a part of your happiness that, from your post, sounds to me like you may be lacking.

In college I did sort of the same thing, minus the taking a year off. Only formed really close, meaningful friendships, normally with people a little older than myself, and I seemed to be the one making all the first steps, taking all of the initiative. Well the end result of that was, I graduated from college and had ONE friend. ONE. Everyone else biffed off and kept up with people on Facebook or what have you and I felt completely abandoned.

I started to feel a little better about my loneliness once I got over my hatred of shallow friendships. They really DO serve a purpose, and can be quite fun. Sources of gossip and good stories, sources of ideas for things to do, sources of a surprising depth of emotion and companionship that you might be avoiding, just because you have preconceived notions of friendship left over from highschool.

Friends come and go. Once I made my peace with that, my life got a whole lot easier to handle, and friends seemed easier to make.
posted by Mizu at 2:48 PM on March 25, 2009

I think it would really help to know what it is that you like about friendship. You've said a lot of negative things about friendship and social interaction, but there are probably some things that you enjoy about it. If we know what you're looking for (someone to talk to about your thoughts and feelings? a companion who enjoys similar hobbies and pursuits? someone with whom you can have intellectual conversations), we can probably give you better answers.

If small talk makes you uncomfortable, perhaps you can seek out ways to meet and interact with people in your city where everyone is focused on a specific activity or experience (a workshop, an art class, a book club) so the conversation focuses on the shared activity more than on the weather and everyone's city of origin.

In general, though the process of meeting and getting to know people can be difficult and unpleasant, especially for introverts, there's no other path to close friendship.

All I can really think of to say is: get out of the house. Find something to do with other people - maybe a dance class? Cooking classes can be fun. Just be around other people doing something that interests you, and don't have as a goal that you will Make Best Friends. And don't say no to grabbing a drink (or a cup of coffee) after class.
posted by prefpara at 2:49 PM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

You're going to have to relax your standards for what counts as friendship and what sorts of relationships are worth your time to pursue. If you're only there for a year, friends you make are not going to be as close as friends you've known for months and years. Nearly all friendships start off superficial, and with your limited timeframe, you're going to have more short-term friendships than not, because you'll leave before things become deeper.

Recognize that there is no way to form instant deep, long-term bonds. Don't compare the friends you're just meeting with friends you've known for years; they'll always come up lacking. Instead, focus on finding people who like to do the things you like to do (or things that you'd like to try out and see if you like them). Don't discriminate based on age or educational status or any other characteristics that will, in most cases, be irrelevant to the amount of fun you'll have with them. Plan activities and invite acquaintances to come with you (don't worry about whether you're inviting them more than they're inviting you. It doesn't matter).

Try to have fun and do things you enjoy, and don't worry about whether you're starting lifelong friendships or just having a good time. Having a good time should be the goal, and if you happen to meet a lifelong friend or two in the process, that's an added bonus.
posted by decathecting at 2:52 PM on March 25, 2009

Move out. Live with people your age.

This is my universal advice for anyone who is living at home after having spent any time away at college. Every single time I was back home for more than three weeks, I began to fall into a near-depression funk. Every time, I only finally pulled out of that funk by leaving. I tried a lot of other things.
posted by salvia at 3:36 PM on March 25, 2009

I agree with the idea of shallow friendships ... or even just interacting with people. I'm introverted too, but I find that sometimes making random small talk in the grocery line or whatever can fulfill the whole social interaction side of things. The key isn't to make forever friends -- it's just to have short conversations. And maybe those conversations will lead somewhere. Or maybe they won't. Think of it as the "single-serving friend" concept from Fight Club -- these people can be your friends temporarily, however temporary it turns out to be (30 seconds, 3 days, 3 weeks, whatever).

Or if that's too much, just leave the house -- go to a bookstore or any other place where there is people and just hang out. Sometimes being out in the world is enough to not feel isolated.

Don't discount the friends you have online, though. Mine got me through long periods of loneliness. Even if they weren't there, knowing someone was paying attention. I wouldn't worry too much about annoying them. I am going to guess they know and understand you're going through a rough period.
posted by darksong at 4:55 PM on March 25, 2009

Just impressions & comments after reading your question, YMMV:

1) Why have you stopped growing for an entire year?
2) Many people between 20 and 30 find life very difficult & lonely, especially if when in college. Life has probably never demanded so much of you to this point.
3) Friendships are hard and have highs and lows. Love all your friends for who they are, not what you'd like them to be. True friends are worth the ride.
4) Depression always has an etiology. Find yours, even if it takes years. The answers will set you free.
5) You are the only person that you have to spend the rest of your life with. Love yourself, happiness will follow.
6) Don't sweat the small stuff.
posted by konig at 11:19 PM on March 25, 2009

You're not the first one who's gone through this. I am also a prone-to-depression introvert who hates small talk and is drawn to older friends. In fact, my closest, most consistent friends are mentor-types who I am slooowly becoming equals with.

Still, I decided (twice) to move out of the country. The best advice I can offer is just to get out of the house. Go sit in a park or local coffee shop, volunteer, join clubs, go to concerts, etc. Is there a college near you? Lots of events are open to the public, and you're bound to meet people your own age there. Learn to tolerate small talk with the people you meet doing these things; sometimes in ordinary conversations you'll realize that you and the person you're talking have things in common. These are probably the people you can be friends with, or at least who will provide your social interaction. Surprisingly, this sometimes suffices. Stay in touch with friends online, but be careful that you don't try to preserve the life you had before. After depression, things are rarely what they were, for better or worse. I found it helpful to think of my time away as a chance to start over. Be open to new experiences and try to look for the best in things.

And remember, once you've made it through this year, there's a good chance you'll feel like you can do anything. (I did, anyway.) All the best!
posted by bibliophibianj at 12:45 AM on March 26, 2009

1. you might just not like them that much or be interested in them in the first place? which is ok too.
2. more positively, sometimes you just have to learn which questions to ask people about themselves to get some common ground. I am an Arts graduate - but i lived around science degree and engineer students. 18 years later I have been able to floor some engineers by asking them what their thesis was about - generally it moves pretty quickly from that to talk about other things - what they've done since, did they use it, etc. I try to work out what words they use in their world - then get them talking about the bit I might be interested in. Someone also told me recently that you can read whether people are interested or not - if they are turned toward you then mirror you when you move they are generally engaged in what you are talking about - if they don't move with you, then most likely not.
3. depending on how busy, depressed or interested you are - you may be giving people signals you are busy or disinterested in them?

Joining clubs etc is a great idea - having common ground and experiences and doing something you enjoy whether you like their company will attract people to you.

Having depression can be a bit like a silum stick (can't glow till the little divider is broken and the liquid inside mixes)- you don't glow and reach your full potential till you've been under some pressure and learn from it.
posted by IdleRepose at 1:51 AM on March 26, 2009

I think there is a lot of great advice here. I'm not an introvert (though I definitely enjoy my alone time) but I do relate to the idea that small talk and those beginning stages of friendships/relationships can be stifled/awkward/superficial. But I would be wary of dismissing people at this stage. I'm not saying pursue a friendship, but I'm saying it's worth it to keep an open mind -- you never know what people might have to offer.

A constructive thing to actually DO? I strongly encourage volunteer work. Even if you don't meet some friends, it can help put life in perspective.

Finally: relax and have some confidence in yourself. Overly simplistic and insanely difficult sometimes? Yes, but you can get there and it's worth it. Taking some time to get to know yourself helps, and it sounds like you're on that path.
posted by ihavepromisestokeep at 9:18 AM on March 26, 2009