In lieu of flowers...

March 24, 2009 3:45 PM

In the past few months, both parents of my Japanese-American (by way of Hawaii) coworker have passed away. What gift/donation might be appropriate and have special significance to her?

My coworker is a professional female in her mid-60s. She's incredibly down-to-down, and still very much connected to her Hawaiian ancestry, despite the fact that she was a traveler for much of her youth and has since come to settle in NYC.

Her parents both battled with dementia, and their health declined rapidly over the course of the last year, after they relocated to the city. She will be returning to Hawaii sometime this spring to scatter their ashes, but I'd like to be able to make a thoughtful donation in their names (to a charity out there? Or something here in NYC?), and perhaps offer some sort of small token to my coworker, who's been largely on her own with the day-to-day of their demise.

Any suggestions? If it helps, my coworker is also an Obama-loving, slightly spiritual/hippie-dippie sort, though at the same time, pretty focused on her work and a borderline Type A personality (with a bit of a Know It All personality to match). Other quirks to help you get a sense of her: She brought in some salts once to "cleanse" the office of a grumpy old man who left our firm; whenever I so much as sneeze, she'll offer me a gigantic bag of ginger and/or vat of herbal elixir; and she's got a framed poster of the Beatles' "Hard Day's Night" and a signed print from Peter May hanging in her office.

posted by acorn1515 to society & culture (7 comments total)

Take her out to lunch and talk with her about casual, everyday stuff. One of the things that I found most difficult after my mother died was that people treated me as though I were fragile or ill. The best thing that any of my friends ever did for me was inviting me out socially and treating me completely normally.
posted by decathecting at 3:57 PM on March 24 [1 favorite]

A gift certificate to a music store and a baked dish for her and perhaps a small donation to a charity for her folks.
posted by kldickson at 3:57 PM on March 24

I would advise that you treat her like an American. Any Hawaiian/Japanese stuff you get her will probably be a weird cliche- imagine you were living Japan, and you had a death in the family, and your Japanese coworker tried to get you an "American gift"- what would that be? A Big Mac wrapped in a flag? Whatever you get is likely to seem kitschy, you know?

I think your sentiment is really kind- and the best way to make her feel better is whatever you'd do for any other co-worker, maybe a donation to the Alzheimer's fund, a nice lunch, card, or flowers.

On the other hand, finding a gift to match her personality (rather than her ethnicity) is totally awesome. Maybe one of the new-released Beatles' albums, or a DVD of a Beatles movie? Or given that she's hippy-dippy, maybe a salt crystal lamp to "cleanse the air with ions" or whatever? Or some kind of smudging herbs? (I know that's appropriating other cultures too, but at least from a more neutral, "we're all yuppies together" kind of stance).
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:03 PM on March 24

It's not something to do immediately but one suggestion I would have would be to send her a "thinking of you" email on the upcoming "firsts" she'll experience (e.g., mother's day, father's day). I wouldn't say much beyond that - just a simple message that let's her know you're aware that the day might be hard without invading her privacy.

As decathecting says, you don't want to treat her as if she is a fragile blossom that will wilt at the smallest touch. One thing I've hated when I'm sad is people asking, "How are you?" in this way that is both cloying and condescending - certainly not people's intention, but how it can feel. At the same time, though, some people pull away and act as if nothing happened. I would strive to be somewhere in the middle.

As for I gift, I might get something like this. It says, "Everything Will Be OK In the End, And If It's Not OK, It's Not the End."
posted by orsonet at 5:17 PM on March 24

While it's a nice sentiment, why do you need to do anything for her at all?
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:20 PM on March 24

By which I mean, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss, please let me know if there's anything I can do" ought to more than suffice.
posted by turgid dahlia at 6:21 PM on March 24

On death (insert all other events too) in Japan, you give money. Usually 1man, or 3man if they are close. (Seems to be always odd numbers). But that would be kinda weird outside of Japan.
posted by lundman at 7:33 PM on March 24