How *not* to be a womanizer and settle down?

March 24, 2009 10:53 AM

I'm a nice person. I care about, and try to help, both friends and non-friends alike. I really believe that I have a good heart, and work in a career where helping others, not just earning money, is the reward. The problem is, I like women too much. How can I learn to limit myself to just one girl?

It's not really a sex thing. Actually, compared to most men, I think I like sex less than average. To that end, I really just like the general feeling of intimacy, I think (though, of course, I like having sex). But at any given time, I am interested in a handful of women, and since I *am* a nice guy (in all other respects) and reasonably handsome, I have no trouble seeing multiple girls. Even if I am with someone I really care about, am really attracted to, and generally want to be around a lot, I *still* find myself wanting other girls, too.

What causes this feeling? What can I do help work away from this terrible situation? I'm in my mid-twenties and it's been (what I think) my one personality problem for a long time, and consistently messes up my life.

I meet nasty men that seriously disgust me with the way they talk about women, so I'm quite terrified of digressing into that state.

For those who haven't ever felt feelings like this, or dealt with people me this, it's probably better if you don't comment, since I can already imagine things like, "Just stop it. What you are doing is horrible and you need to just quit." That's not helpful at all for me...

Try to be nice and constructive here-- I am not writing to brag like some chauvinistic guy-- I want to figure out a good method for change.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

Speaking as a woman, and a feminist at that, I don't think there's anything "nasty" about this, necessarily. It's not so much a personality flaw as much as a trait, you know? I think there are very few people in this world who will only be attracted to one person at a time.

Of course, what you have control over is how you deal with those feelings. If you constantly find yourself cheating in monogamous relationships, that's a problem. But if it's just a matter of wanting to be with other people, well, welcome to being human.

It sounds to me like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect. Perfection is not necessary to being good. What's necessary is honesty and empathy. This means: if you're seeing someone casually but you're also seeing other people, you have to be honest about that. It also means that if you do find yourself in a monogamous relationship and have a wandering eye, you keep it just to fantasies or break things off before you go after the other person.

BTW, are you familiar with polyamory? I've personally never seen it work, but then, most monogamous relationships don't work either. Might be something for you to explore.
posted by lunasol at 11:06 AM on March 24

This is not a question of "loving too much." So dispel that notion straight away. This is you being insecure and needing the validation of being with several women.

I speak from experience, and it really just took me realizing that in the end I am hurting these people that I "love" by refusing to devote to them the attention and devotion they deserve. Everybody feels something like this, in that it's absolutely normal to be attracted to several people, even when you're in a committed relationship, it's possible to meet a smart, funny, attractive person and develop a "crush." It's also somewhat normal to wonder "what if I wasn't dating x, I could be dating y!" in these situations. But in the end, it's up to you whether or not to act on these feelings.

You just need to exercise some self-control if this is a cycle you do, in fact, want to break.

As for what you're doing being horrible, well, that's really a matter of whether the girls you are doing it to are aware of each other or not. If you are lying to the women that you "like too much," then you aren't really any better than the "nasty men that seriously disgust me with the way they talk about women," you've just convinced yourself that you are. If you are open and honest about dating several people at once, I see no reason to stop until you're ready.
posted by orville sash at 11:06 AM on March 24 [6 favorites]

Even if I am with someone I really care about, am really attracted to, and generally want to be around a lot, I *still* find myself wanting other girls, too.

Err, welcome to humanity? Seriously, the mark of being ready to couple with just one person for a period of time is not that you cease being attracted to other people, it's that you cease doing anything about it. Sure, some people will tell you "...and I haven't even looked at another man/woman since" but those people are less usual than the rest of us. So just being attracted to other people isn't an issue on its own.

And neither is "seeing" multiple people at the same time, even if you're seeing them naked - as long as everyone knows that's what you're doing and is kosher with it. This is pretty much what "casual dating" means. It doesn't mean you're a nasty guy with no respect for women, it means you're not ready for a serious relationship. And that's absolutely fine, especially in your 20s.

Eventually, you'll either mature to a point where finding one person becomes your priority and your attitude evolves accordingly, or you'll meet someone who really knocks your socks off and makes all those other attractive women seem like they're worth less than the good thing you have.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:07 AM on March 24 [10 favorites]

It's fine if you date multiple women, as long as they know that you're not exclusive. If you become exclusive with one of them, or tell one of them you are, you are morally obligated to break it off with the others. Pretty simple.

Even if I am with someone I really care about, am really attracted to, and generally want to be around a lot, I *still* find myself wanting other girls, too.

So start dating women who are okay with open relationships. I don't know what you want me to say - if you're lying to these women, cut it out. If you're not, I guess you can be one of those "poly" people. Problem solved.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:07 AM on March 24 [2 favorites]

What causes this feeling? .... I'm in my mid-twenties

Some people are just like this. Others are like this until they get older. Why not enjoy yourself the way you are today and be honest with your ladyfriends about what you're interested in and what you're like?

This thread is going to be full of suggestions for how to change, and I guess it's fine if you're sure you want to be different, but monogamy is not like a universal human goal. Some people hate it, others suck at it but aspire to it, and we happy few who manage to coincide our desires and our actions float from partner to partner like a cloud-spirit, accepting the melancholy that accompanies every hookup, knowing that it soon will end, enjoying the company of women as friends and lovers interchangeably and with more respect than the relationship junkies who mate and then cheat in an vicious cycle.

Consider: you might not be in a terrible situation at all.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:10 AM on March 24

I'm not seeing the problem.

You want to have multiple relationships and not be an asshole. There are many women who want to have multiple relationships with men who are not assholes, and who want not to be assholes in the relationships themselves.

Meet these women. Date these women. Some of the relationships will work out, and some of them won't. Just like monogamous relationships.

And read Tristan Taormino's Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:14 AM on March 24 [1 favorite]

Keep writing down your thoughts and feelings, put them onto paper (or computer) so you can see them. Write about what you do and do not want to be. Your original post is a great start. Keep exploring honestly to find clarity (which is an ongoing journey). Reading books about polyamory may help you find useful language and ideas.

Don't beat yourself up. Plenty of people feel this way. Do your best to be honest with other people and careful about their feelings.
posted by zeek321 at 11:14 AM on March 24

Eventually, you'll either mature to a point where finding one person becomes your priority and your attitude evolves accordingly, or you'll meet someone who really knocks your socks off and makes all those other attractive women seem like they're worth less than the good thing you have.

Or you'll figure out how to have happy, sustainable, honest and respectful open relationships. People do it all the time. Monogamy is not the only human relationship model.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:15 AM on March 24 [2 favorites]

Good answers here (I especially like DarlingBri's). You're not a monster; you're just a guy in your 20s who "likes women too much" (i.e., a lot). You'll probably come out of it and settle down with one; if not, you'll just be a guy who's into women and hasn't settled down with one. As long as you don't deceive anyone or treat anyone badly, there's not really a problem (although as a guy who finally did settle down, I highly recommend it).
posted by languagehat at 11:19 AM on March 24

As long as you let your partners know you're seeing and sleeping with other women, you aren't an asshole.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:24 AM on March 24

What causes this feeling?

Youth. A big part of it is biological. It is normal for your age. You are just not in the stage of life where wanting to settle with one person is your highest priority. You, biologically, are exploring your world and your possibilities. (and, boy, are there lots of possibilities) As you age, your priorities will change with you. You will get to a stage where 'family' becomes a priority (and even if you don't want a family, it will trigger a 'partnership' feeling) Just allow it to happen.

Be honest, open, clear, with who you date, and you will be right where you should be.
posted by Vaike at 11:55 AM on March 24 [1 favorite]

This thread is going to be full of suggestions for how to change

Well I guess I was wrong. So I'll offer one--the only solution I've ever seen work permanently on people like us you is to find someone you like so much that it alters the way you see yourself and the way you want to behave. The only way to do this is to be comfortable enough with your perennial singlehood to attract someone awesome who understands and loves you. Good luck.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:18 PM on March 24

What causes this feeling?

Seconding biology. Keep in mind that monogamy is, for the most part, a cultural construct. Bazillions of years of biology is telling you to go forth and mate in order to propagate your species - in the grand scheme of things, it's only fairly recently that society is telling us to do so with only one person.

And I'm not so sure youth has much to do with it - I know a couple of guys in their fifties, who, like you, are nice guys who can't/don't want to settle down.
posted by chez shoes at 12:22 PM on March 24

Second Vaike. Age has a large influence on your needs and thinking. I see in your question a few age-related components. At your age, it's natural to be casual dating. It is also natural at your age to seek validation/approval from the environment. Part of your motivation in maintaining multiple relationships is validation from the women you date. What you are trying to reconcile is this source of validation and another source of validation, from an older, more mature part of the society, which lean toward monogamy and family-formation.

What I advise is don't worry, you will mature in time. The motivation to be monogamous will reveal itself in time (or not); and the thirst for public approval will recede. Established society frequently oppress youth, and youth commonly rebel. This is an age old dynamic. While you are maturing, you can lean on the loop-hole of youth (boy will be boy); and learn about others and yourself within these relationships. Usually, you will settle down eventually. Don't deny yourself of these valuable life lessons; now is a great time to learn them. Those who don't learn now became lecherous old men later (i.e: acting inappropriate for their age).

Honesty and clear communication helps your learning experience, so it should not conflict with your desire (to have multiple relationship) or your method (being nice). You can be a nice honest seeker of knowledge.
posted by curiousZ at 12:27 PM on March 24

Remember, it's cheating only if you're breaking the rules. That is, the rules set within your relationship. It is totally OK to have an open relationship or a poly relationship, if your partner(s) agree. You should not feel shamed by societal expectations or the judgments of those outside the relationship. That said, exclusive relationships are the norm, and monogamy is implied until specified otherwise.

Be open and honest if you wish to go this route. Otherwise, keep looking until you find that person who keeps you interested enough to remain monogamous. A lot of times the urge for another partner has to do with boredom within your relationship, rather than the inability to be monogamous.
posted by explosion at 1:49 PM on March 24

I can give you advice for how to not be a jerk in multiple relationships, and I can tell you that the classic path toward monogamy is achieved by finding someone you like more than you like the thrill of new romance. I can back up the assertion that playing the field is okay as long as you're not lying about it, and I can tell you that polyamory or other alternative relationship structures might be something to explore, at least for some helpful ways to think about relationships and emotional intimacy. But first...

What causes this feeling? What can I do help work away from this terrible situation? I'm in my mid-twenties and it's been (what I think) my one personality problem for a long time, and consistently messes up my life.

Whoa, hang on. What terrible situation? What's messing up your life? What personality problem? From some of your description, I can only ather that you've gotten a heavy dose of "your lifestyle is wrong" from somewhere -- culture, parents, church, friends, personal guilt?

A decent and kind person doesn't just become a foul disrespectful degenerate because his head gets turned by a pretty girl more often than not. If you've been taught that thinking about women will corrupt you, please know that this need not be true.

You're responsible for your own behavior, and you can act decently and honestly and date multiple women. But without knowing how you think that you're messing up, it's hard to give you specific advice on a) what to change and b) if you need to change.

(You can follow up with a moderator if you want to add some info.)
posted by desuetude at 2:09 PM on March 24 [1 favorite]

My husband was like this till he met me and got totally twitterpated. Seriously, I am not joking. But he still loves women as people and has lots of female friends-my friends have made him an honorary woman.

He chooses to focus his sexual and pairbonding attention on me while enjoying his friendships on an appropriate level. Win-win!

Your problem will solve itself when you meet Her. Trust me.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:53 PM on March 24

I have a friend very similar to you. Down to the whole it not being about sex thing. Half the time (hell 90% of the time) he only pushes it to the point where he knows he could have sex with the girl and then bails (more or less). He's a great friend and a great guy and I would never ever, ever date him. Most of my friends have dated or hooked up with (I'm not exaggerating he now has a solid majority). I know for him it's a big ego thing. He really needs to feel like he can have any girl he wants. Not in a really assholish way or notches on the bedpost way, but there is something inside of him that needs to know that whoever he wants should he ever decide to have a relationship, they will be there.

However, things have changed in the last 6 months and for the first time ever he has expressed a desire to have a real relationship. He has even attempted to "date" girls with the aim of being in a relationship. It hasn't gone too well I'm not going to lie, but I think he'll get there eventually.

He would probably say there are a lot of reasons why he finally has begun to change, but I think it has boiled down to a couple things. First, he started working a lot more and no longer had a huge social network that allowed him to meet and hook up with a bunch of girls whenever he wanted. There was no longer a free flow of attractive, interesting women to entertain him. Also a lot of his friends, and by extension the girls he knows and could see himself with in that magical time way way down the road when he settles down, have gotten into serious relationships with other people. And I think he's gotten lonely. Second, a girl he quasi dated for a year or two (and who he was very close to but could never really make up his mind if he wanted her as his girlfriend) went and met someone else who would commit to her and just got engaged. I know for a fact he thinks he made a massive mistake that for the first time he can't undo and I think he's trying not to let it happen again.

Really that is what will probably happen to you to. You'll meet someone you could really see yourself with and one of three things will happen: 1) you'll see her for what she is right off the bat and commit; 2) you'll figure it out too late, fail to make a commitment and only after she's rid of you will you realize your mistake which will motivate you to change; or 3) she won't be interested in you from the get go because of your reputation, you'll lose her before you've even gotten her which will motivate you to change.

I would try for #1 personally.
posted by whoaali at 10:19 PM on March 24

It's the age old penis vs brain syndrome. Who will win? The entry into evolution is to master your impulses, the animal instinct and turn lust into a spiritual connection with one significant woman with whom you will build a life together with and walk the same path with. Life is a filled with these contrasts and paradoxes, it's what makes us stronger and what makes life challenging. You need to start getting in touch with your soul more and pay less attention to what the animal inside is wanting and craving - learn to tame - seek out one woman who will be there for you through thick and thin - and make a commitment. Cop outs are what weakens us as a whole. Good luck.
posted by watercarrier at 2:04 AM on March 25

I meet nasty men that seriously disgust me with the way they talk about women, so I'm quite terrified of digressing into that state.

There's a very big difference between sleazy men who see women as nothing more than notches on their bedpost, and men who genuinely love women holistically, for all their beauty and individuality and complexity. The latter are often quite charming.

Whether you grow into monogamy, or decide that open relationships will work better for you, I don't think that you need to fear becomming a grotty old man so long as you recognise (which you seem to) that the difference is basically respect.

But personally, I kind of like DarlingBri's answer.
posted by Emilyisnow at 3:47 AM on March 25

Men who love and enjoy talking to women are very attractive. Not all of them are ready or able to commit to one person. Being honest with yourself and others about it is all that matters. I wonder if it will be less of a problem for you when you accept how much you enjoy their company, or find yourself with someone who stands out among them all.

Monogamy does not mean attraction stops with some invisible line. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to others - as someone who has been in a long term monogamous relationship, we both sometimes find fantasizing about someone else or a different situation helps our sex life - just might enable us to get over the edge if we are a bit tired or stressed, etc. I go to an art gallery and admire the beauty and can think about it later - but I only take them home in my thoughts - doesn't mean I have stolen them. My dear spouse and I notice good looking people and admire their looks/beauty - but it doesn't mean we 'take them home' - and it doesn't mean we are attracted to all of them either. We are honest and open with each other about it - have a good laugh - and enjoy admiring beauty or company when we see it.

Some guys are visual - I can see my husband noticing boobs, etc, he knows I notice other things - doesn't make us unfaithful - but because we don't make it an issue, it isn't a compulsion, or a creepy problem we have to solve or pursue.

It's great that you care enough to self-search - I agree with Emilyisnow - respect is the key - don't do anything you won't respect yourself for and treat others with the same respect.
posted by IdleRepose at 2:13 AM on March 26