My Own worst enemy
March 24, 2009 8:13 AM Subscribe
How can I stop myself from destroying myself?
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (24 answers total) 38 users marked this as a favorite
I've had enough. For some reason, known only to the deepest darkest recesses of my brain, I seem to be on a self-destructive path that I'm having difficulty stopping. I'm an intelligent and talented guy and I've watched as I've wasted my energy on doing nothing but avoid doing the work I need to do and hurt myself.
Examples of my bad habits. : Eating terrible food, drinking drinks I know cause me stomach pain, smoking pot, wasting time, looking at internet pornography.
All these things cause me stress that has now manifested into physical pain and discomfort. Every faculty of my body hurts from eating food, to my vision, to my legs to my bowels. I am not joking when I say this.
I have, as an old counsellor described, a devious mind. Intellectually I know what I need to do to make myself feel better and all the pieces are in place for me to have a wonderful life but I just don't do it and my brain will just convince me to do it anyway. It seems I'd much prefer to be a sad sack who is sorry for himself than actually help myself and take the steps to make myself happy.
Going to the Doctor is pointless because I know the cause of all my problems. I don't expect any sympathy either. Getting therapy only helps so much as I am able to talk about my problems (which I seem to love to do at length- part of the problem) but when it comes to the crunch I just continue my old ways despite the pain they cause.
I don't dream any more. I used to think I was going to go somewhere but now, even though I know it is stupid and wrong, I've created a future scenario in my head where I'm alone. I won't end up doing what I want. I have this horrible negativity that distances me from people and in turn keeps me isolated.
Despite this I have lots of friends who I love but feel I don't connect with because I feel like I'm being false with them. I have a cheery exterior, but on the inside I'm in pain. It's the clown that cries syndrome...such a cliche.
I have had suicidal thoughts pop in and out of my head. But I know I can't give into that because it would destroy the lives of too many people - so I have to beat this.
I've tried anti-depressants and won't go back to them as I feel myself slipping way on them. Most recently I took to cutting myself out of sheer frustration that I'm STILL like this. Still wasting time. Making zero effort to further myself. My memory is shot to pieces, I don't remember simple things and I don't feel like I am connected to my past in any way. I feel so False. I've lost who I am. These problems are all I think about except for the few minutes I'm sometimes able to catch first thing in the morning when I think I'm going to be ok. Just getting through the day is a major struggle.
It sounds like I'm hard on myself and I am, but at the same time if I'm not I just don't do anything.
This is what consumes my life. I'm 30 this year. God damn it I'd like to start acting like an adult. Time is spinning by and I've got things to do if I want to get anywhere.
Can anyone else relate? Am I doomed? How can I pull myself out of this false hellish tragedy I've created for myself?
Throwaway email: Notquitesure09@gmail.com