Can opposites find middle ground?

March 24, 2009 8:13 AM

Is this hopeless? He is slow and careful and I am decisive (and possibly impatient).

I have been dating a great guy for just over two years. From day one we have known we are different but enjoy each other’s company. In fact we are exact opposite Kiersey temperaments. He trains for marathons and has a cause that he dedicates a few hours a week to. He has a schedule: gets home from work by 7; is asleep by 10. He fits in dinner, usually out, exercise and the news. Saturday is full of errands, exercise, contact with his young adult children, Sat night we spend time together. Sunday is church together, then he’s occupied with exercise, yardwork/housekeeping. We try to make an extended family dinner on Sunday night. All intimacy is limited to weekends, and bedtime never varies much.

Me, I am a mom of several children and my schedule is flexible. I need to be up by 6:30, but I can stay up until midnight on occasion and be fine. I could do with a whole lot more than kisses on the forehead all week, and feel like there is plenty more in the middle rather than all or nothing. I would like to make family dinner for us most nights. He arrives at my place right in time to sleep, 6 nights out of 7, so I at least get to see him for a minute. (I never thought I would allow such a thing, but I have as of 6 months ago.) He keeps nothing at my house, and he is out my door at dawn every morning, every day. I find myself so disappointed that he is busy on weekends. The kids also have a couple of sporting events on weekends, and though he does make an effort to be at games occasionally, I wish he were more available for that too. I am not into the sports so much as I have to drive there, and the kids want me (us) there.

I have been pretty pouty the last few weeks, which accomplishes nothing. In fact every several months it builds up, then I let it go and decide to try harder. I want more of him not less! Neither of us likes to argue. He is pretty patient with me, but I always feel a certain amount of rejection by him. He feels like I am jealous of his time away from me, which is true. He thinks I need to do more activities on my own. I feel like I am busy enough. I want to share causes, and for that matter a home too. I feel like we spend so much time duplicating efforts in keeping two homes. He has said previously that it is too soon. I agree that slow and careful is good, but how long is enough? I feel like after two years he either wants me or he doesn’t. My kids (who were very resistant at first) adore him. I am doing major guilt. If things don’t work out we will all be crushed. Am I nuts for thinking this can ever work out?

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

Couples can find middle ground, but only if they are both willing to compromise. This man doesn't seem willing to make any changes to his routine whatsoever. And after two years together he's saying it's too soon to live together?

He trains for marathons

This is anecdotal, but I have dated three marathoners, and they were a LOT like your description of this man. They were lone wolves. They lived very regimented, self-absorbed lives, and liked it that way. There was no real room in their lives for a significant other. I had to walk away.

The only suggestion I have to make is to think about what specifically would constitute a liveable and happy arrangement for you (whether it's living together or spending certain nights or weekend days together), and then talk to him about whether he wants that and is willing to commit to that with you. If he isn't... you probably need to leave and find someone else.
posted by orange swan at 8:31 AM on March 24 [1 favorite]

You aren't nuts to be hopeful, but it doesn't look promising from your description. I'll hazard a guess and say he's been divorced/separated/single for some time before you met, which allowed him to become very set in his routines. He has his life just the way he wants and, unfortunately, I think those types of people tend to become more inflexible with age, not less. Of course he could change if he wants to–you can find some middle ground–but it doesn't sound like he wants that and I'd say that's pretty unlikely to happen. If that's so, you need to decide if you're happy having him in your life on those terms or if you really need something more than what you're getting.
posted by 6550 at 8:50 AM on March 24

Let me get this straight. This guy has only arrived in time to go to sleep at your house 6 nights out of 7 for the past 2 years and you are wondering how long is too long to wait for change? 3 or 4 months should have been enough to force a discussion of his intentions and yours out in the open.

I think the two years indicates some emotional bond on his part, even in the hardest of hearts. I think the approach suggested by orange swan is long overdue. Get your needs out on the table and ask him if he could begin to live with them as part of his life. I think you might be surprised at his response to a direct approach of interrupting his routine.
posted by birdwatcher at 9:23 AM on March 24 [1 favorite]

I didn't mean that to sound so judgmental. I'm sorry for so flip an answer. This is important to you; I can hear the concern.

Take heart. Not all marathoning, self-absorbed, inflexible men are incapable of change. I am the reclamation project of a woman who saw something in me 40 years ago that even I didn't see in myself. A partner for life CAN start from the same seeds as your current relationship. I know because I look at such a man every morning in the mirror. Talk to him about the two of you. If he responds and learns how to love someone other than himself, you'll grow old together. And someday maybe he'll be the one writing about you as his reclaimer.

Love comes in many forms, and the Hollywood version is the rarest kind. My wife has taught me 'her love' and after all these years, I know she has accepted mine. Two more different people could not be designed and yet we have made our relationship work through talking things out and compromise. But it starts with talk. That's what I meant by saying you might be surprised at his response. Change can happen.
posted by birdwatcher at 10:16 AM on March 24 [1 favorite]

I feel like after two years he either wants me or he doesn’t.

He might want you as the kind of partner you are right now, not as the kind of partner you would like to be (and want him to be).

Not living together might be a deal-breaker for you, but it obviously isn't for him. To be fair to him, I'm not sure that I would necessarily want to move in with a partner who had "several children" from other relationships--I would probably want my own house, too. Stuff you may interpret as him not loving you or valuing the relationship may seem, on his side, simply like different lifestyle preferences.

Talking about what each of you want and expect from a relationship, and what timetables you have about it, is really the only answer (as everyone else has already said). Couples counselors have lots of experience in facilitating this kind of conversation.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:01 AM on March 24

And you know, if he's already done the "go to the soccer game" thing with his now-adult children, he may not want to do that again with your kids. He may not want to be a stepdad to young kids, whereas "mom's boyfriend and friendly adult" feels like an OK relationship with them to him.

The question is whether that's a deal-breaker for you if that's how he feels.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:03 AM on March 24

You need something more from this relationship. The only way to get it is to ask for it. You need to be specific. "More time with me" is not specific enough. Spontaneity isn't his thing, so plan and negotiate something that works for both of you. Offer to do something for him in return, or try to come up with an activity that he is sure to enjoy. He is obviously not ready to move in, but what is he willing to do? If he isn't willing to give any more, it seems obvious that you will not be happy. It think it would have to be a deal breaker, if he was unwilling to compromise.
posted by Gor-ella at 1:35 PM on March 24

I don't think this is the kind of fellow who wants to "share" his life. It sounds like he's happy having a girlfriend on the level that he has you on right now. If you want deeper/more, I'd date someone else.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:02 PM on March 24 [1 favorite]