How do i tell her not to see him anymore?

March 21, 2009 8:47 PM

How do i tell her not to see him anymore? explanation inside.

So here's the deal.
I've been seeing this girl pretty consistently for the past 2 and half months, and we've grown quite close (hanging out a lot, talking daily, a lot of physical stuff), but she isn't ready to actually commit to me yet. I've talked to her about it, and i'm comfortable with where we are (not to say that i don't want more).
Anyways, the problem lies with her ex, whom she dated for nearly 3 years, goes to the same college, shares her same friend group, and is around all the time. Unfortunately, this man was her best friend for the last 3 years, and even though he was a huge d-bag (he cheated on her consistently for a year) she still has a hard time giving him up completely.
This bothered me for a while, but over the last month, since she told him about me, she has been telling him that she doesn't want to see him anymore and for him to leave her alone. But he is quite persistent, tell her he loves her, begging her to come back, etc.
This of course troubles her deeply, cause their relationship ended only 6 months ago, so there is still some emotional attachment, especially since she has only begun actually taking space away from him in the last 2 months or so.
So.. Today, she asks me if it's ok for her to go to his parents house to use their barn for her photography project. I didn't want her to go, and i told her i felt uneasy about it, but we aren't actually dating, and i certainly didn't want her to think that i'm the kind of guy who is going to tell her what she can and can't do. Well, i tried calling her tonight and she stopped my call 2 rings in, and then texted me that she couldn't talk cause it's been a bad night and it continues to be so. this was almost 2 hours ago, and she isn't responding to my calls or texts, which means he's being an ass.

I want to tell her that i don't want her to see him anymore. How?

posted by oviedo to human relations (32 comments total)

You can ask, but honestly, you're not dating her. It's her choice to make - not yours. If you two were dating/committed/exclusive, then maybe MAYBE you could.

It's her life, not yours. If she's going to go back, that's her issue. You can't stop her from making bad decisions - you can just help her when she comes back. If you're tired of this, and she refuses to give it up, it's also your choice to leave. Those are choices you can make - her not seeing him anymore is not a choice you get make.

Sorry.
posted by SNWidget at 8:52 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

but we aren't actually dating

Please don't buy into this semantics game. If you're sleeping together plus talk all the time and spend a lot of time together, and you're sexually/emotionally exclusive, you're dating.

Tomorrow, sit her down and explain that this drama is wearing you out. Explain that it isn't fair for her to jerk you around like this, regardless of whatever his problem is. Either she will to do everything she can to be fair to you - which may or may not mean cutting him off entirely, depending on his behavior and their history - or she isn't worth your time.

This sort of question gets asked fairly often around here, and nobody should ever have to be a doormat. Either she actually cares enough about you to be worth your time or she's playing you, and you'll find out tomorrow. The key thing is that you make the ultimatum about behavior towards you and the relationship between the two of you rather than about her relationship with anyone else, so you don't come off as possessive.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:54 PM on March 21 [12 favorites]

You can't really tell her not to see the guy any more because it upsets you, honestly-- and sure as heck you can't have that discussion while you're already upset because she's not replying to your texts and you're in the heat of an emotional "CHOOSE BETWEEN US!" kind of moment.

On the other hand, you can go call one of your buddies, play a little WoW or whatever you do to get your mind off stuff, and resolve that sometime this week, you and she are going to sit down somewhere neutral to have a talk. You'll reassure yourself that he hasn't physically harmed her or whatever, and then it'll get down to "It makes me uncomfortable to see you in these dramatic situations with your ex, and it seems like he's really pushing you to hang out with him even though it makes you miserable. Is there anything I can do to help you out with this stuff?"

It sounds like this girl's in a kind of manipulative situation with the guy, and the more she hangs out with him, the less either of them are going to get over it-- but you can't dictate her actions to her, or you become as much of a controlling douchebag as the ex is. You can and should express concern, not control, and leave it up to her as to whether or not she's ready to come around and get out of this crap dead relationship with her ex.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:00 PM on March 21

First of all, you are--quite understandably--in some anxiety at the moment, because you don't know what happened tonight. So, right now, try to relax a bit.

You can tell her something like this: that you feel that a real connection is blossoming between you two, and that you are very happy about that, and also happy to let it continue developing at whatever pace. But having a night like this--the one you're having now--is painful for you, because it makes you feel like a rebound guy who happens to be there. So you don't need a serious commitment right now, but you do need to know that she is over him and has moved on (otherwise, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak) and that tonight has left you wondering.
posted by limon at 9:00 PM on March 21

Or, what Inspector.Gadget said.
posted by limon at 9:01 PM on March 21

Well, i tried calling her tonight and she stopped my call 2 rings in, and then texted me that she couldn't talk cause it's been a bad night and it continues to be so. this was almost 2 hours ago, and she isn't responding to my calls or texts, which means he's being an ass.

Uh, this does not mean he is being an ass. If he doesn't have a gun to her head, she is choosing to ignore you. You could give her an ultimatum, I guess, but it won't really make a difference.

She's not ready to commit to you because she's not over her ex. Sorry, dude. I would date someone who is emotionally available instead, if I were you. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:03 PM on March 21 [13 favorites]

I want to tell her that i don't want her to see him anymore. How?

No. You don't ever get to dictate a partner's behaviour. You can only control your own behaviour, and your response to their behaviour. And you never, ever want to be the guy who tells her who she can be friends with, where she can go, and who she can see.

The phrase you're looking for is "I'm sorry, I know this is a difficult transition period for you, but I can't see you until you've made a clean break from Ex. I know it's going to be really hard, but the drama is beyond what I can manage."
posted by DarlingBri at 9:05 PM on March 21 [5 favorites]

I've been seeing this girl pretty consistently for the past 2 and half months, and we've grown quite close (hanging out a lot, talking daily, a lot of physical stuff), but ...

we aren't actually dating ....

what?
posted by JimN2TAW at 9:11 PM on March 21 [2 favorites]

I guess I'm the only skeptic, but if she's in his parents barn and he's there, and not calling you - well you don't have the whole story. If she didn't want anything to do with him, she'd take an F before going to his parents house.
posted by cashman at 9:13 PM on March 21

Or what everyone else has said. She's in some kind of puerile soap opera and she wants you to be the audience. You've got better things to do. Learn that now, or it will happen again.
posted by JimN2TAW at 9:13 PM on March 21 [3 favorites]

Yeah, nevermind, I knew I wasn't the only one.
posted by cashman at 9:14 PM on March 21

Hey, OP and others, read "Singled Out," by Richard Schickel. Invaluable guide to finding your own way through (your love-) life and avoiding this kind of BS.
posted by JimN2TAW at 9:24 PM on March 21

You can say she's not your girlfriend, but I don't really understand how you can say you're not dating. You go out together, talk, do physical stuff. That is even more than some peoples' definitions of dating.

I wouldn't continue a relationship with her if she is unwilling to stop spending alone time in private with her ex. Ultimatums can be lame. What you can tell her is that her spending this time with her ex is very upsetting and hurtful for you. If she's not willing to take that to heart, then you can let her know that it's no longer worth being with her.
posted by fructose at 9:38 PM on March 21

This bothered me for a while, but over the last month, since she told him about me, she has been telling him that she doesn't want to see him anymore and for him to leave her alone. But he is quite persistent, tell her he loves her, begging her to come back, etc.

If she is still entertaining this behavior then she is not ready to let him go...

It sucks because you are already involved and walking away now will be painful but, trust me, not as painful as what's coming at this rate.

I'm sorry, I've been there and it is no fun.... but it is pretty clear to those of us not in the situation what is on the horizon.

Good luck
posted by Weaslegirl at 9:53 PM on March 21

On review perhaps I should not speak for more than myself 'but it is pretty clear to those of us not in the situation what is on the horizon'. Having been in that situation it seemed clear to me.

My apologies if I was presumptuous ...

Oviedo - as I said, good luck
posted by Weaslegirl at 10:40 PM on March 21

This situation sucks. On top of the uncertainty, it sounds like your not-girlfriend enjoys the attention she receives from you and the ex a little too much for her own good. Don't expect her to bring either relationship to an end anytime soon. I suggest you stop playing her game. To be sure, you deserve a fair share of responsibility for this situation, since you convinced yourself that getting involved with a not-quite available attention-seeker was worth the sex, fun, etc. Your best bet is to walk away. If it were me in your shoes, I'd avoid giving her the satisfaction of a big talk or a chance to explain her behavior. With or without an explanation, the reality is she's not willing to give up either of you. Get on with finding someone available and nice to you.
posted by vincele at 11:00 PM on March 21

Don't bother.

Here's what will probably happen. You tell her not to hang out with this guy, and she agrees but then hangs out with him anyway, you get mad and have arguments, ad nausium. Drama ensues.

Wait for her to get over him, you can't accelerate the process. In the mean time look for other girls to date who don't have so much baggage.

If you want to be friends with a girl, even friends with benefits, then you don't get to veto who they hang out with and have feelings for.
posted by delmoi at 11:04 PM on March 21

Ouch, most of us have been in what I think is your situation. It seems you think she cares about you, but actually she doesn't. It's so hard to accept, but it's true. She was very rude to you. Why would you want to have any kind of relations with someone so rude?

I remember this woman about five years ago I might have described similarly - not dating, sort of intimate, etc, but I also remember very clearly one time the following conversation. I said, "I think when you help someone feel good, they will love you." She said, "In my experience, strangely enough, when someone ends up feeling bad, they love me even more."

Perverse enough, but at some point its up to us to just move on and not continue our obsessions with those kinds of rude people. Spend your time and energy on people who are not rude to you, my friend.

Good luck.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 11:48 PM on March 21

Her life, not yours. You can let her know how you feel, but it's her choice to make. Just as it is your choice what to do about what she decides to do.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:00 AM on March 22

If she didn't want anything to do with him, she'd take an F before going to his parents house.

Something tells me she's taking an F right now...

Listen, you know that she needs to vote with her dollar, effectively. She needs to either make it perfectly clear to you that she's committed, by being the one to cut off the contact and work towards a future with you, or keep playing her game, and have you respond accordingly--by looking for someone who has the time for her. Tell her that you're really interested but that you don't deserve the emotional roller coaster she's putting you on since you're wanting to try to make things work, and that she needs to show you how she feels or you'll step back and let her sort things out alone.

You *don't* want to dictate who she can or cannot see, but this is pretty standard "fuck up the blossoming relationship because of an attachment with the ex" behavior and since he's acting the way HE is, and they're not "just friends" but "friends where at least one party has a very concerted interest in the other," that's fair game to go fish somewhere else and tell her so, unless she chooses to prove her interest in you otherwise.
posted by disillusioned at 1:18 AM on March 22

Today, she asks me if it's ok for her to go to his parents house [...] and she isn't responding to my calls or texts, which means

she's fucking him. Sorry, but the way you tell her not to see him anymore is to tell her not to see him anymore and walk away if she says anything except "OK".
posted by nicwolff at 1:56 AM on March 22 [1 favorite]

You know those guys that girls befriend just to unload their relationship-drama-du-jour upon?

That's you.

Sorry.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:05 AM on March 22 [4 favorites]

Just ask her if she's serious about this relationship with you. If she says yah - then tell her the ex is out. If she persists then you know who you're dealing with, you end it and thank your lucky stars you never married her.
posted by watercarrier at 6:14 AM on March 22

Having been in a similar situation, this would be a big red flag for me and the end of whatever type of relationship I had with this girl.
posted by sero_venientibus_ossa at 6:27 AM on March 22

Actually, it sounds to me as if maybe she and the ex might have been in the middle of having the post-breakup breakup conversation, maybe with attendant fighting, begging and weeping. But if turns out not to have been, or it's not definitive (ie; she continues to hang out with him and put up with his overtures to get back together, etc.), then what everybody else said.

Perhaps I'm overly optimistic... Still, why on earth would she ask oviedo if it was "all right" to use the ex's parents' barn? If I were in a not-committed not-relationship with somebody, I wouldn't be asking him if it was all right to do anything. Best outlook: she is feeling that there's something serious developing with our poster, she is having the necessary talk with the ex, and things can potentially go forward in a clearer way. *crosses fingers*
posted by taz at 6:46 AM on March 22 [1 favorite]

My advice is that you have nothing to lose by laying out that you care for her, want to be in a relationship, but can't handle the drama and not knowing whether she has really exed her ex. Then, leave her alone. Give her time to decide. Not a couple hours time, but a few days at least. After 48 hours you can check in, but otherwise give it a week. Be courteous if you bump into her, but otherwise go out of your way to stay away. At the end of that week, if she isn't missing you enough to have at least come back to have an honest heart to heart... well then you aren't losing anything you actually had.

It is a rough way to start a meaningful relationship, but I went through something similar seventeen years ago, and we've now been married nine years. On the other hand, if she hadn't made the choice to be with me, I was totally ready to move on and see what else college had to offer. Be completely open to any possibility.
posted by meinvt at 8:54 AM on March 22

You can't "tell her" anything.

You can "ask her" not to do stuff that hurts you.

Which of you decided that she's "not your girlfriend?" If it was you, then she's unlikely to listen to your requests, because you didn't want to commit to even being boyfriend and girlfriend, so why should she change her life? If it was her, she's not that into you, so why should she change her life?
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:39 PM on March 22

First, you are quite obviously dating her. And she is dating you.

Second, whether you are dating each other or not does not give you any magical powers or rights to control her, anyway. All you can do is request, make clear how important your desires are, and react to her decisions.

Maybe leaving someone who won't quit a self-destructive relationship is what's best for you. Maybe it's even best for her - to force her to face what she's doing to herself.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:44 PM on March 22

All you can do is tell her how you feel. If she keeps seeing him, that's fine and you need to move on. You can't harangue her into doing what you want, but I think you know that already.
posted by Nattie at 3:28 PM on March 22

I suggest you talk openly with her and tell her that, while you don't want to be the possessive guy who dictates that she can't see her ex, you feel the relationship has moved into something more than just casually hanging out and enjoying the "benefits." Under those circumstances, her ex-drama is bothering you more than you would like. Be open to hearing what she has to say. If it's obvious by the end of the conversation(s) that she's still wavering between you and your ex, you can walk away or you can hang in there for a while longer and see if things change. But don't hang on too long. You will know when it has been too long.
posted by xenophile at 5:50 PM on March 22

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Or maybe it's a train wreck happening right now. You need to move on with your life. I can't imagine any good coming from this.
posted by chunking express at 7:42 AM on March 23

I've been in the same situation a couple of times. It might be nice to have sex with someone great for a while, but in the end, you will get burned. I realize you are kind of a prisoner to your own drives at this point, but if you have the ability, you should probably run. People are almost always BAD F'IN NEWS after getting out of relationships (especially broken, unhealthy ones). If you feel like you can be her friend, try to do that, but this girl will make you bleed if you try to pursue a relationship with her... good luck.
posted by plungerjoke at 12:09 PM on March 27