Work difficulties as a vegetarian!
March 20, 2009 4:13 PM Subscribe
How can I properly deal with being a vegetarian in my new job?
Okay, I'm a long time vegetarian (11 years). I also have some social anxiety issues, I'm very shy and I worry a lot about being judged by new people. I recently got a new job as a youth worker, and I will be doing some in-home work. I will be working with Aboriginal clients and there is the possibility of having to eat dinner in their homes. Today at orientation my supervisor was commenting on how people will generally be offended if you don't eat with them or don't eat what you are offered. I just nodded and kept quiet, not mentioning I have significant dietary restrictions. Also I have staff meetings every two weeks (starting Tuesday) and the supervisor cooks or orders food for the meals (Tuesday is pizza day). How can I politely handle these situations and explain my vegetarianism?
Okay, I'm a long time vegetarian (11 years). I also have some social anxiety issues, I'm very shy and I worry a lot about being judged by new people. I recently got a new job as a youth worker, and I will be doing some in-home work. I will be working with Aboriginal clients and there is the possibility of having to eat dinner in their homes. Today at orientation my supervisor was commenting on how people will generally be offended if you don't eat with them or don't eat what you are offered. I just nodded and kept quiet, not mentioning I have significant dietary restrictions. Also I have staff meetings every two weeks (starting Tuesday) and the supervisor cooks or orders food for the meals (Tuesday is pizza day). How can I politely handle these situations and explain my vegetarianism?
I think the meetings in your office are a non-issue. Just mention it to the supervisor, or offer to bring in something of your own for the first few weeks. I don't eat red meat, but I also have severe nut allergies, and at group meals at work I bring something that I know I can eat to share with others, like a quiche or fruit.
The meals at your clients' homes are a different issue. You should take what you are offered.
posted by wingless_angel at 4:42 PM on March 20, 2009
The meals at your clients' homes are a different issue. You should take what you are offered.
posted by wingless_angel at 4:42 PM on March 20, 2009
In regards to the meals in people's homes:
When people offer me food I would not like and I feel a social pressure to accept, I usually say I'm allergic to the food item.
Yes, it's a white lie, but it's quick and usually well received (meaning they aren't offended that I don't eat what was offered) and the matter is dropped.
posted by NoraCharles at 4:49 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
When people offer me food I would not like and I feel a social pressure to accept, I usually say I'm allergic to the food item.
Yes, it's a white lie, but it's quick and usually well received (meaning they aren't offended that I don't eat what was offered) and the matter is dropped.
posted by NoraCharles at 4:49 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Are you working with Aboriginal people out in the bush? Or in a city? If in a city - they know about vegetarians and you can just say "no thanks, I'm vegetarian and oooh that Jatz and cheese looks yummy - thanks!". If it is actually for dinner, make your excuses and leave - it's not rude to have to go home at the end of the working day. If in the bush, just say "no thanks. I just ate a huge meal" and eat the muesli bar you keep in your bag after you leave their home.
Your boss knows about your vegetarianism - every catered event I've attended for work, ever, has had at least 1/3 vege options, but if you're really worried remind your boss beforehand, or bring a plate of something you can eat to share with your colleagues.
posted by goo at 4:54 PM on March 20, 2009
Your boss knows about your vegetarianism - every catered event I've attended for work, ever, has had at least 1/3 vege options, but if you're really worried remind your boss beforehand, or bring a plate of something you can eat to share with your colleagues.
posted by goo at 4:54 PM on March 20, 2009
Response by poster: goo - it's in the city. I know i'm in far too much anxiety over this, it will probably be actually easier for me to deal with the issue in client's homes then at staff meetings. It's a very small staff team, is the only reason why I'm considered about no veggie options. Particularly when it's not catered - the boss usually cooks. Yeah at big work events I've had no problem, but in this instance there are only going to be about 6 people in attendance.
posted by Raynyn at 5:17 PM on March 20, 2009
posted by Raynyn at 5:17 PM on March 20, 2009
If it's in the city, then I imagine as long as you're polite and gracious it would be fine. But I would seriously consider eating what they offer, as the guest they are going out of their way for. I have a friend who has been vegan for many years, and he studied abroad in Nepal. He traveled around and did a few homestays, and many times the families would cook meat for him, since it was a special (read: expensive) thing for them and they were trying to impress the guest. He decided early on to eat whatever he was offered, without pause or comment. Of course, highland Nepal is very different from urban Australia (I'm assuming Australia >.>) but I think the message of his decision is very self-less and admirable.
posted by CTORourke at 5:30 PM on March 20, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by CTORourke at 5:30 PM on March 20, 2009 [3 favorites]
Ask your supervisor. You probably aren't the first vegetarian they've had.
But their answer may still be "Eat what you're offered, unless it will literally kill you." To them, the benefits of a positive relationship between yourself and your clients may outweigh your (non-medical, I presume) dietary restrictions. You'd have to do some thinking on that, and see if you agree. Do you consider not eating a hotdog more important than the benefits of your youth-work there?
Yes, it's a white lie, but it's quick and usually well received (meaning they aren't offended that I don't eat what was offered) and the matter is dropped.
Those sorts of white lies may work well with the in-laws or occasional neighbourly bbqs, but they're rather antithetical to building trust in (what sounds like) longer term social-work-ish relationships. The cost of being caught out in a lie at the neighbours' bbq is a lot less than that of being caught out by people to whom you're supposed to be rendering some sort of helpful service.
Plus, if dinner at the clients' house is a going to be a repeated thing, they may alter their dinner plans to avoid Raynyn's initially-professed allergy. "Sorry, I'm allergic to, uh... the tomatoes in that beef dish" could be met with "Hey, hope you like this pork, there aren't any tomatoes in it" the next time, which requires "Oh, terribly sorry, I'm allergic to... garlic?... garlic, too", which in turn causes "Try the fish, it's just grilled plain, but it's so good 'cause it's really fresh" the time after that.
posted by CKmtl at 5:33 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
But their answer may still be "Eat what you're offered, unless it will literally kill you." To them, the benefits of a positive relationship between yourself and your clients may outweigh your (non-medical, I presume) dietary restrictions. You'd have to do some thinking on that, and see if you agree. Do you consider not eating a hotdog more important than the benefits of your youth-work there?
Yes, it's a white lie, but it's quick and usually well received (meaning they aren't offended that I don't eat what was offered) and the matter is dropped.
Those sorts of white lies may work well with the in-laws or occasional neighbourly bbqs, but they're rather antithetical to building trust in (what sounds like) longer term social-work-ish relationships. The cost of being caught out in a lie at the neighbours' bbq is a lot less than that of being caught out by people to whom you're supposed to be rendering some sort of helpful service.
Plus, if dinner at the clients' house is a going to be a repeated thing, they may alter their dinner plans to avoid Raynyn's initially-professed allergy. "Sorry, I'm allergic to, uh... the tomatoes in that beef dish" could be met with "Hey, hope you like this pork, there aren't any tomatoes in it" the next time, which requires "Oh, terribly sorry, I'm allergic to... garlic?... garlic, too", which in turn causes "Try the fish, it's just grilled plain, but it's so good 'cause it's really fresh" the time after that.
posted by CKmtl at 5:33 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
The meals at your clients' homes are a different issue. You should take what you are offered.
Not if it is meat you do not. You might need to bring your own food though.
posted by caddis at 5:39 PM on March 20, 2009
Not if it is meat you do not. You might need to bring your own food though.
posted by caddis at 5:39 PM on March 20, 2009
"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I'm on a very specific diet for health reasons."
posted by greekphilosophy at 5:46 PM on March 20, 2009
posted by greekphilosophy at 5:46 PM on March 20, 2009
Best answer: You can convey respect for your host in many ways without eating meat.
Smile and let them know you appreciate their hospitality and company; that's always worked for me in my travels. Let them know about your dietary restrictions as early as possible, and let them know that getting fed isn't a big issue for you, that you just want to share time with them, perhaps have a little tea and toast. Convey the idea that this isn't a big deal, and it needn't become one.
Eating whatever is offered? My second best buddy has exceptional manners; he's polite to a fault. He's also Jewish: there is no way you'd see him eating pork just because it was offered to him in someone else's home. But he'd let the person who made the meal know that he appreciated their effort and hospitality.
He'd also probably white lie about having eaten, but would ask if he could trouble them for a cup of coffee, even if he didn't want one. If you can't accept the food, think of something easy to fix that you can accept.
posted by surenoproblem at 5:54 PM on March 20, 2009 [2 favorites]
Smile and let them know you appreciate their hospitality and company; that's always worked for me in my travels. Let them know about your dietary restrictions as early as possible, and let them know that getting fed isn't a big issue for you, that you just want to share time with them, perhaps have a little tea and toast. Convey the idea that this isn't a big deal, and it needn't become one.
Eating whatever is offered? My second best buddy has exceptional manners; he's polite to a fault. He's also Jewish: there is no way you'd see him eating pork just because it was offered to him in someone else's home. But he'd let the person who made the meal know that he appreciated their effort and hospitality.
He'd also probably white lie about having eaten, but would ask if he could trouble them for a cup of coffee, even if he didn't want one. If you can't accept the food, think of something easy to fix that you can accept.
posted by surenoproblem at 5:54 PM on March 20, 2009 [2 favorites]
Aye, Raynyn, I totally understand your anxiety. I'm a long-term vegetarian working in a different field of social care, and am often at service user's homes in the evening - sometimes I accept the invitation to dinner (specially from the Indian families - passing up a good homemade curry is really hard) but sometimes I won't even accept a cuppa cos it's late and I want to go home. You'll get to know your service users and their families, and get to know those to whom you need to bring the muffins in order to bond over food, and those you will always need to find an excuse to leave because there's too much or you can't eat what they cook - initially it might be awkward but you'll find your groove, and getting to know your clients is key to overcoming it.
For the staff meeting - if your boss usually makes the food gently remind them in conversation a couple of days beforehand, and offer to cook yourself sometime. You could also start something like 'muffin Monday' where you each take turns to bring muffins if the boss's motive for cooking is to encourage team harmony. Good luck, and congratulations on your new job!
posted by goo at 5:57 PM on March 20, 2009
For the staff meeting - if your boss usually makes the food gently remind them in conversation a couple of days beforehand, and offer to cook yourself sometime. You could also start something like 'muffin Monday' where you each take turns to bring muffins if the boss's motive for cooking is to encourage team harmony. Good luck, and congratulations on your new job!
posted by goo at 5:57 PM on March 20, 2009
And I should also say - your response will need to depend on why you're there. If you're there for statutory reasons that could be perceived as threatening by the family your response should be different to that if you're involved with the family in a developmental capacity.
posted by goo at 6:10 PM on March 20, 2009
posted by goo at 6:10 PM on March 20, 2009
Response by poster: "But their answer may still be "Eat what you're offered, unless it will literally kill you." To them, the benefits of a positive relationship between yourself and your clients may outweigh your (non-medical, I presume) dietary restrictions. You'd have to do some thinking on that, and see if you agree. Do you consider not eating a hotdog more important than the benefits of your youth-work there?"
Yes, I do consider not eating a hot dog more important than my job. Eating meat isn't an option that is on the table here, I'm committed to my values, and in any case it would probably make me physically ill to eat it when I haven't done so in so long.
posted by Raynyn at 6:13 PM on March 20, 2009
Yes, I do consider not eating a hot dog more important than my job. Eating meat isn't an option that is on the table here, I'm committed to my values, and in any case it would probably make me physically ill to eat it when I haven't done so in so long.
posted by Raynyn at 6:13 PM on March 20, 2009
I'm not a vegetarian but my mother is, and I'm very sensitive to the vegetarian plight. I do not think you should ever be forced to eat meat. And you're right, it'd probably make you sick.
If you are forced into a food situation, be honest about your dietary restrictions, and I agree with asking for a cup of tea or coffee or something else to show you accept their hospitality.
I live in the Southern US, and people here get offended when you refuse their food too! I have been *trying* to stick to a diet, and I have one coworker who will get quite upset if I don't eat his wife's fresh homemade cookies!
posted by radioamy at 8:12 PM on March 20, 2009
If you are forced into a food situation, be honest about your dietary restrictions, and I agree with asking for a cup of tea or coffee or something else to show you accept their hospitality.
I live in the Southern US, and people here get offended when you refuse their food too! I have been *trying* to stick to a diet, and I have one coworker who will get quite upset if I don't eat his wife's fresh homemade cookies!
posted by radioamy at 8:12 PM on March 20, 2009
Within work situations, I've started saying (as a way of trying to indicate that my food preferences should not be made into a big deal) "I'm not a vegetarian, it's just that I don't eat meat." Well, it makes people laugh -- I'm hoping it will also get them to shut up about the issue of not eating meat, thankyouverymuch.
I also compare the situation to people who don't like to eat broccoli. They just avoid broccoli, man! They aren't asked to do an elaborate defense of their food preferences! So I've practiced a lot of very short, precise, and nonthreatening (!!) statements about my food preferences. Now bear in mind I'm a vegetarian of 16 years, but I usually go along with what other people are eating rather than fuss about getting a special order in a restaurant or whatever -- so it sounds like you're stronger than I am on this matter. Social pressure usually trumps my food habits (I wish I'd be better about this, but I figure social pressure is more important. Sad, hunh?)
Anyway, I've noticed that oftentimes it's not even necessary to have to launch into my polite defense. I can just eat the vegetables, hamburger bun with lettuce only, everything AROUND the meat, whatever the heck -- and if people inquire, I can stare them down. So have your statements prepared, but you might not have to say much of anything about it.
posted by oldtimey at 8:14 PM on March 20, 2009
I also compare the situation to people who don't like to eat broccoli. They just avoid broccoli, man! They aren't asked to do an elaborate defense of their food preferences! So I've practiced a lot of very short, precise, and nonthreatening (!!) statements about my food preferences. Now bear in mind I'm a vegetarian of 16 years, but I usually go along with what other people are eating rather than fuss about getting a special order in a restaurant or whatever -- so it sounds like you're stronger than I am on this matter. Social pressure usually trumps my food habits (I wish I'd be better about this, but I figure social pressure is more important. Sad, hunh?)
Anyway, I've noticed that oftentimes it's not even necessary to have to launch into my polite defense. I can just eat the vegetables, hamburger bun with lettuce only, everything AROUND the meat, whatever the heck -- and if people inquire, I can stare them down. So have your statements prepared, but you might not have to say much of anything about it.
posted by oldtimey at 8:14 PM on March 20, 2009
With regards to being a vegetarian at work, as a grad student I have encountered lots of fellow grad students who are veggie for various cultural or health reasons. It really is a non-issue, and I always tried to be accommodating of their dietary needs when I brought food for a potluck, etc. To me it seems like some people are more accepting of cultural/religious veggies than moral/health veggies, but hopefully people are mature enough to respect your choices.
posted by sararah at 8:19 PM on March 20, 2009
posted by sararah at 8:19 PM on March 20, 2009
Best answer: "I'm sorry, I'm allergic to meat because of a type of protein intolerance. I can only digest protein from vegetables and beans."
posted by aquafortis at 9:21 PM on March 20, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by aquafortis at 9:21 PM on March 20, 2009 [4 favorites]
Do you mean Australian Aboriginal people? In a city? I honestly can't imagine this would be a problem. We're talking about people from a different culture, not a different planet here! Although Aboriginal people are, just like all other peoples, a mixed bag, all the Aboriginal folk I've had the good fortune to meet (through work in both urban and non-urban environments) have been incredibly generous and chilled out.
I'm pretty sure if you were going to be at dinner and explained tactfully - as you would to anyone who was cooking for you hospitably but offering meat - that you really appreciate it, but you just can't eat meat and gosh, don't those potatoes look good, could I have some of those? - it would be fine. This is just my feeling. While I am Australian, I'm very definitely not Aboriginal, or any kind of expert. Maybe an actual Aboriginal person would be the best person for you to ask this question of?
I'd just be straight up about it:''I'm going to Mrs So and So's for dinner. I'm a bit worried she might cook for me, but I'm vegetarian. I don't want to offend her by refusing her hospitality - which I really appreciate - but I just can't eat meat. I'm wondering what the best way to explain would be?''
As for work, I'd just say, ''Hey! I should've said. I'm vegetarian. Is it OK if we get one vego pizza? Or even a half-and-half?'' Can't imagine anyone grudging you the vego option.
posted by t0astie at 12:25 AM on March 21, 2009
I'm pretty sure if you were going to be at dinner and explained tactfully - as you would to anyone who was cooking for you hospitably but offering meat - that you really appreciate it, but you just can't eat meat and gosh, don't those potatoes look good, could I have some of those? - it would be fine. This is just my feeling. While I am Australian, I'm very definitely not Aboriginal, or any kind of expert. Maybe an actual Aboriginal person would be the best person for you to ask this question of?
I'd just be straight up about it:''I'm going to Mrs So and So's for dinner. I'm a bit worried she might cook for me, but I'm vegetarian. I don't want to offend her by refusing her hospitality - which I really appreciate - but I just can't eat meat. I'm wondering what the best way to explain would be?''
As for work, I'd just say, ''Hey! I should've said. I'm vegetarian. Is it OK if we get one vego pizza? Or even a half-and-half?'' Can't imagine anyone grudging you the vego option.
posted by t0astie at 12:25 AM on March 21, 2009
Best answer: The work meetings are the easy. Graciously explain that you're a vegetarian but make it clear that you're not the kind of vegetarian who will judge them or moo while they eat a steak. Feign a bit of embarrassment to counteract their past experiences with more self-righteous vegetarian types.
Then bring food to each staff meeting which is vegetarian, tasty and complementary to the food already being served. "Wow, that pizza looks great! Here, I brought some herb bread to go with it, dig in, everyone!" You eat nothing but herb bread, and everybody else is too busy thanking your for your hospitality to worry about your vegetarianism.
The client meetings...well, yes, your vegetarianism ,might be an additional barrier to forming a rapport. There is a certain stereotype of vegetarianism as a white-liberal-middle-class thing - a conceit that you take up when you don't have bigger things to worry about. Self-righteous vegetarianism may mark you out as a particular kind of person, one which your clients have probably learned to be wary of. The kind of person, perhaps, who "loves multiculturalism!!!" but gets deeply offended when confronted with people who don't share their our values.
But if that's not you, then you'll be fine - as long as you're willing to work hard to prove it. Never give lengthy justifications for why you won't eat meat - from your position as an outsider in relative power, it'll come across as preaching or worse. Downplay your vegetarianism. Reveal it as a mildly embarrassing secret and then be good-humoured about it while they poke fun at you. Laugh at yourself.
Get comfortable being around meat, so that there's no trace of disgust on your face when they serve it. Be interested in the food, even if you can't eat it. Ask what makes the sauce smell so nice, or whether it's a family recipe, or whether it's difficult to cook. Tell them your partner/sister/friend loves food like that.
And if you're planning to eat with them again, ask if you can bring some food to share next time. Make it really clear that you're contributing extra vegetables to their meal, not bringing your own meal because theirs is crap. Ask what you can bring that would match well with what they cook. Be humble and gracious and do your job well, and with luck they'll accept your vegetarianism as a simple personal quick.
[Speaking as a 10-year vegetarian who's endured years of cross-cultural hilarity over her own eating habits.]
posted by embrangled at 12:41 AM on March 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Then bring food to each staff meeting which is vegetarian, tasty and complementary to the food already being served. "Wow, that pizza looks great! Here, I brought some herb bread to go with it, dig in, everyone!" You eat nothing but herb bread, and everybody else is too busy thanking your for your hospitality to worry about your vegetarianism.
The client meetings...well, yes, your vegetarianism ,might be an additional barrier to forming a rapport. There is a certain stereotype of vegetarianism as a white-liberal-middle-class thing - a conceit that you take up when you don't have bigger things to worry about. Self-righteous vegetarianism may mark you out as a particular kind of person, one which your clients have probably learned to be wary of. The kind of person, perhaps, who "loves multiculturalism!!!" but gets deeply offended when confronted with people who don't share their our values.
But if that's not you, then you'll be fine - as long as you're willing to work hard to prove it. Never give lengthy justifications for why you won't eat meat - from your position as an outsider in relative power, it'll come across as preaching or worse. Downplay your vegetarianism. Reveal it as a mildly embarrassing secret and then be good-humoured about it while they poke fun at you. Laugh at yourself.
Get comfortable being around meat, so that there's no trace of disgust on your face when they serve it. Be interested in the food, even if you can't eat it. Ask what makes the sauce smell so nice, or whether it's a family recipe, or whether it's difficult to cook. Tell them your partner/sister/friend loves food like that.
And if you're planning to eat with them again, ask if you can bring some food to share next time. Make it really clear that you're contributing extra vegetables to their meal, not bringing your own meal because theirs is crap. Ask what you can bring that would match well with what they cook. Be humble and gracious and do your job well, and with luck they'll accept your vegetarianism as a simple personal quick.
[Speaking as a 10-year vegetarian who's endured years of cross-cultural hilarity over her own eating habits.]
posted by embrangled at 12:41 AM on March 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Long ago, I read Tricycle(?) a Buddhist magazine (US) a few times... a few things stuck out. Killing cockroaches and rats in hospitals... do it ("may you be reborn a Buddha", "namu amida butsu") because it's f'n stupid to have rats and cockroaches running around sick people. And same with the eating meat... if you visit a family and they slaughter their prize goat to give you a good meal, eat it... to do otherwise is like flipping them the bird and saying "f*** you i don't eat meat you pricks". Suck it up, be an honorable person, take a few bites, explain that you don't usually eat meat, leave it at that. Work wise, we have a few vegetarians and a few muslims and a few kosher jews that can't eat some stuff. Everybody tries to find something appropriate for parties and such, sometimes we fail.
Think of it this way... some family just went balls out to give you the best meal they know and you're turning your nose up because "you don't eat meat". prick. Unless you're truly allergic or whatnot, accept their sacrifice with grace.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:12 AM on March 21, 2009
Think of it this way... some family just went balls out to give you the best meal they know and you're turning your nose up because "you don't eat meat". prick. Unless you're truly allergic or whatnot, accept their sacrifice with grace.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:12 AM on March 21, 2009
Best answer: Wow zengargoyle, that’s... incredibly rude. The situation you mention is a tricky one, and as a vegetarian myself I don't know what I'd do. I will point out, though, that for many vegetarians, forcing themselves to choke down goat (prize or otherwise) would make them physically sick. I imagine that would also be an insult to the family. Regardless, calling people "pricks" because of their beliefs and values is incredibly judgemental and insensitive.
Raynyn, it would help if we knew how strict a vegetarian you are. Would you be willing to eat around the meat (depending what the food is, of course! Avoiding a slab of meat on a plate is different to attempting to avoid the meat in a stew or soup, and yes I've tried both...) or would you prefer not to eat food that has come into contact with meat?
I think the staff meetings should be fine if you tell your supervisor in advance. I see no reason why there can't be a vegetarian pizza!
I guess my advice would be to contact the family when you're invited to dinner, explain that you're a vegetarian, apologise for causing a hassle and ask if you can bring some vegetarian food to share with everyone to supplement their meal? Or if they're willing to provide you with vegetarian food then be incredibly grateful and bring along a dessert, or wine, or similar, depending what's appropriate. Also, embrangled's advice is excellent.
posted by badmoonrising at 4:12 AM on March 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Raynyn, it would help if we knew how strict a vegetarian you are. Would you be willing to eat around the meat (depending what the food is, of course! Avoiding a slab of meat on a plate is different to attempting to avoid the meat in a stew or soup, and yes I've tried both...) or would you prefer not to eat food that has come into contact with meat?
I think the staff meetings should be fine if you tell your supervisor in advance. I see no reason why there can't be a vegetarian pizza!
I guess my advice would be to contact the family when you're invited to dinner, explain that you're a vegetarian, apologise for causing a hassle and ask if you can bring some vegetarian food to share with everyone to supplement their meal? Or if they're willing to provide you with vegetarian food then be incredibly grateful and bring along a dessert, or wine, or similar, depending what's appropriate. Also, embrangled's advice is excellent.
posted by badmoonrising at 4:12 AM on March 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, jeez zengargoyle, rude indeed. Talk about the pot calling the kettle "prick".
I understand the dilemma, and I think there's some excellent advice here. What if you tried bringing a snack (such as cookies) and explain at the beginning that you already ate a full meal?
I would say, however, if the family seems genuinely upset by your decision not to eat the big, meaty meal, explain how it's a cultural difference. I don't advocate simply eating it as I understand your convictions, but just wait until you're actually IN the situation to gauge how important this is and what you can do about it. I think you're probably overthinking this, but I understand why you would. Just try to have faith in your own ability to weather the situation gracefully.
posted by big open mouth at 4:26 AM on March 21, 2009
I understand the dilemma, and I think there's some excellent advice here. What if you tried bringing a snack (such as cookies) and explain at the beginning that you already ate a full meal?
I would say, however, if the family seems genuinely upset by your decision not to eat the big, meaty meal, explain how it's a cultural difference. I don't advocate simply eating it as I understand your convictions, but just wait until you're actually IN the situation to gauge how important this is and what you can do about it. I think you're probably overthinking this, but I understand why you would. Just try to have faith in your own ability to weather the situation gracefully.
posted by big open mouth at 4:26 AM on March 21, 2009
Eating meat isn't an option that is on the table here, I'm committed to my values
Vegetarianism, especially non-negotiable political vegetarianism, is about you. Social work is about others. I'm guessing that you got into social work because you feel that others are important? When you are at work, be all about them.
I won't repeat myself, but every time I hear a vegetarian doing this I remember the anecdote about the Dalai Lama, which I wrote about here.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:55 AM on March 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Vegetarianism, especially non-negotiable political vegetarianism, is about you. Social work is about others. I'm guessing that you got into social work because you feel that others are important? When you are at work, be all about them.
I won't repeat myself, but every time I hear a vegetarian doing this I remember the anecdote about the Dalai Lama, which I wrote about here.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:55 AM on March 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Oh! I just looked at your older AskMe questions, and I see you're in Canada. So... scrap my generalising about how unlikely it is to be a problem. But I would still think about asking someone who is part of the community you will be working with for advice.
posted by t0astie at 5:29 AM on March 21, 2009
posted by t0astie at 5:29 AM on March 21, 2009
Please, please stop this whole "selfish vegetarian" thing. It's not a self-righteous manoeuvre, it's a lifestyle choice. Decisions about the food that we consume and which fuels our bodies are not minor ones, to be overturned at a moment's notice. If someone says they don't eat meat, then they don't eat meat.
Look, Raynyn, it's your responsibility to let others know that you don't eat meat. By far and away, the most polite thing you can do is to put it on the table ahead of time. If they know ahead of time, then they won't spend ages preparing food that's going to be distasteful to you. It'll stop them wasting time and money, and prevent what can be immense embarrassment for you. If you're at someone's house and they ask if you'd stay for dinner, let them know of your dietary restrictions. If they were having baked potatoes, or vegetable moussaka, or a vegetable curry anyway, then you're away! If not, then at least nobody's got any misunderstandings.
posted by Magnakai at 5:43 AM on March 21, 2009
Look, Raynyn, it's your responsibility to let others know that you don't eat meat. By far and away, the most polite thing you can do is to put it on the table ahead of time. If they know ahead of time, then they won't spend ages preparing food that's going to be distasteful to you. It'll stop them wasting time and money, and prevent what can be immense embarrassment for you. If you're at someone's house and they ask if you'd stay for dinner, let them know of your dietary restrictions. If they were having baked potatoes, or vegetable moussaka, or a vegetable curry anyway, then you're away! If not, then at least nobody's got any misunderstandings.
posted by Magnakai at 5:43 AM on March 21, 2009
Response by poster: For those who asked what type of vegetarian I am - I'm a very strict vegetarian, so no eating around the meat or eating something cooked with meat isn't an option.
Also, for those who say "suck it up when you are at work", again not an option. I would leave the job before I would be forced to eat meat, my values are important to me and not worth the sacrifice. What I am asking for is advice on how to deal with the situation without compromising my values, and thank you to those of you who have provided good info!
posted by Raynyn at 7:46 AM on March 21, 2009
Also, for those who say "suck it up when you are at work", again not an option. I would leave the job before I would be forced to eat meat, my values are important to me and not worth the sacrifice. What I am asking for is advice on how to deal with the situation without compromising my values, and thank you to those of you who have provided good info!
posted by Raynyn at 7:46 AM on March 21, 2009
Vegetarianism, especially non-negotiable political vegetarianism, is about you.
Uh, no, it isn't. And what you're calling "political" vegetarianism, I think most vegetarians would call ethical vegetarianism. And the Dalai Lama does not speak for non-Buddhist vegetarians (or all Buddhists, etc).
I travel a lot, and spend a lot of time eating meals with strangers or new acquaintances, and my vegetarianism has never been a problem for them, even in places where meat is a staple and a meal without meat is a rare thing. As long as you're not confrontational about it, I doubt you'll run into any problems at all.
posted by me & my monkey at 8:46 AM on March 21, 2009
Uh, no, it isn't. And what you're calling "political" vegetarianism, I think most vegetarians would call ethical vegetarianism. And the Dalai Lama does not speak for non-Buddhist vegetarians (or all Buddhists, etc).
I travel a lot, and spend a lot of time eating meals with strangers or new acquaintances, and my vegetarianism has never been a problem for them, even in places where meat is a staple and a meal without meat is a rare thing. As long as you're not confrontational about it, I doubt you'll run into any problems at all.
posted by me & my monkey at 8:46 AM on March 21, 2009
And the Dalai Lama does not speak for non-Buddhist vegetarians (or all Buddhists, etc).
Exactly. Besides: the Dalai Lama is not a vegetarian (anymore). He eats meat because his doctor says he needs it. He also (like many Buddhist monks) does not eat dinner. His opinion seems totally irrelevant to me. Or would it be considered acceptable to bring up the Dalai Lama's opinion on sexuality (according to him people should only have sex that could lead to pregnancy. So no oral sex, no homosexual sex) in a question about oral sex?
To the OP: I would discuss this with your supervisor. Chances are they have dealt with this before. At the very least they have more experience with your clients to know how best to handle this. For the staff meetings it really depends on the kind of food. I would offer to help with the cooking or bring something yourself if you expect that they do not like the idea of eating vegetarian themselves.
posted by davar at 9:53 AM on March 21, 2009
Exactly. Besides: the Dalai Lama is not a vegetarian (anymore). He eats meat because his doctor says he needs it. He also (like many Buddhist monks) does not eat dinner. His opinion seems totally irrelevant to me. Or would it be considered acceptable to bring up the Dalai Lama's opinion on sexuality (according to him people should only have sex that could lead to pregnancy. So no oral sex, no homosexual sex) in a question about oral sex?
To the OP: I would discuss this with your supervisor. Chances are they have dealt with this before. At the very least they have more experience with your clients to know how best to handle this. For the staff meetings it really depends on the kind of food. I would offer to help with the cooking or bring something yourself if you expect that they do not like the idea of eating vegetarian themselves.
posted by davar at 9:53 AM on March 21, 2009
Best answer: As others have said, being vegetarian or vegan can bring up weird class issues- like the veg person thinks they're better, cleaner, or more ethical than the omnivores. You probably don't think these things, but some veg people can be sanctimonious or judgey, so they may have left some unfair associations in people's minds that may transfer to you. It's not fair, but if you like your clients & generally want to help, you may want to be extra-careful to put out "non-snobby" vibes. Some things I'd try to do in your shoes:
Always bring some snacks to share. Nothing too fancy, but maybe something your clients may not have frequent access to for whatever reason: nice fresh fruit, or some kind of cookies or granola bars that the kids might like, etc.
Be very friendly, smiley, & huggy (well, huggy as appropriate), so everyone sees you as down-to-earth and affectionate.
Compliment people's house, stuff, clothing, etc- anything you think they made an effort to fix up, especially if you think they made the effort for your benefit. Showing admiration/respect like this will help banish any worries that you're turning up your nose at them. If you're working with people in really under-served or deprived areas, I'd dress down a bit so you don't make them feel poor or scruffy by comparison.
As others have said, I think it's better in this case to explain vegetarianism as an allergy to meat protein or as a religious requirement, rather than an ethical or health-conscious preference. Because the subtext with the latter two reasons is (whether you personally feel that way or not) is "my ethics and health-consciousness are better than yours". People you meet on equal footing in social situations shouldn't care about that subtext, so say you're a preferential veg at dinner parties all you want.
Agree that you should get really comfortable with the look and smell of cooked meat, and raw too, if you can handle it, because you never want to look grossed out by their food while they eat or cook. Being able to act like you wish you could taste it, but you can't because of your allergy, but man they must be a fantastic cook, that smells just divine- that will go a loooong way towards making them feel accepted and admired by you.
But when you're in a position of authority with people who have less money, fewer options, and who need your intervention (or are sometimes mandated to accept it), it's probably better to avoid mention of any personal beliefs that may make your clients wonder if you think they're "bad" or "uncaring" or "gross" or "unhealthy" because of what they eat. Not at all saying that this is what you, personally, think- but I know some omnivores have been made to feel that way by some vegetarians in the past.
Finally, in a perfect world, you should be able to tell your boss you're veg straight out, but because of his concern about the client dinners, I'd make sure to do so in a very friendly, nonconfrontational way that shows him that you'll handle it sensitively around actual clients. Maybe you could volunteer to be the one who takes pizza orders, for instance, and nudge towards one veggie, one meat, in a gently, positive way?
This is a potentially awkward subject and I think it says a lot that you're making an effort to pre-empt any problems. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:18 PM on March 21, 2009
Always bring some snacks to share. Nothing too fancy, but maybe something your clients may not have frequent access to for whatever reason: nice fresh fruit, or some kind of cookies or granola bars that the kids might like, etc.
Be very friendly, smiley, & huggy (well, huggy as appropriate), so everyone sees you as down-to-earth and affectionate.
Compliment people's house, stuff, clothing, etc- anything you think they made an effort to fix up, especially if you think they made the effort for your benefit. Showing admiration/respect like this will help banish any worries that you're turning up your nose at them. If you're working with people in really under-served or deprived areas, I'd dress down a bit so you don't make them feel poor or scruffy by comparison.
As others have said, I think it's better in this case to explain vegetarianism as an allergy to meat protein or as a religious requirement, rather than an ethical or health-conscious preference. Because the subtext with the latter two reasons is (whether you personally feel that way or not) is "my ethics and health-consciousness are better than yours". People you meet on equal footing in social situations shouldn't care about that subtext, so say you're a preferential veg at dinner parties all you want.
Agree that you should get really comfortable with the look and smell of cooked meat, and raw too, if you can handle it, because you never want to look grossed out by their food while they eat or cook. Being able to act like you wish you could taste it, but you can't because of your allergy, but man they must be a fantastic cook, that smells just divine- that will go a loooong way towards making them feel accepted and admired by you.
But when you're in a position of authority with people who have less money, fewer options, and who need your intervention (or are sometimes mandated to accept it), it's probably better to avoid mention of any personal beliefs that may make your clients wonder if you think they're "bad" or "uncaring" or "gross" or "unhealthy" because of what they eat. Not at all saying that this is what you, personally, think- but I know some omnivores have been made to feel that way by some vegetarians in the past.
Finally, in a perfect world, you should be able to tell your boss you're veg straight out, but because of his concern about the client dinners, I'd make sure to do so in a very friendly, nonconfrontational way that shows him that you'll handle it sensitively around actual clients. Maybe you could volunteer to be the one who takes pizza orders, for instance, and nudge towards one veggie, one meat, in a gently, positive way?
This is a potentially awkward subject and I think it says a lot that you're making an effort to pre-empt any problems. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:18 PM on March 21, 2009
But I would seriously consider eating what they offer, as the guest they are going out of their way for.
I can only assume you're not a vegetarian then. I am, and I most certainly would not. But I'd eat anything available that I was sure had no meat in it.
Never give lengthy justifications for why you won't eat meat - from your position as an outsider in relative power, it'll come across as preaching or worse.
This is right, some people are really bizarrely defensive about this.
Reveal it as a mildly embarrassing secret and then be good-humoured about it while they poke fun at you. Laugh at yourself.
Vegetarianism isn't an embarrassing secret. It's a simple fact that people can either respect or not.
Personally I'm completely shocked by the lengths my friends go to to accommodate me. People actually cook entirely vegetarian meals - no meat for anyone - or certainly vegetarian versions of the main dish.
You have nothing to apologise for. Don't eat meat if you don't want to eat eat, there's no need for expounding on this point. There's no need to make up stories about protein allergies or anything else like that. Just eat the veges (and probably be malnourished and hungry, so maybe have an OSM bar - or your local equivalent - to fill the gap, later on when you're no longer with your hosts).
Nice people, and most people are nice - if sometimes a little thoughtless - and nice people will make allowances. More meat for them, after all.
posted by The Monkey at 5:42 PM on March 22, 2009
I can only assume you're not a vegetarian then. I am, and I most certainly would not. But I'd eat anything available that I was sure had no meat in it.
Never give lengthy justifications for why you won't eat meat - from your position as an outsider in relative power, it'll come across as preaching or worse.
This is right, some people are really bizarrely defensive about this.
Reveal it as a mildly embarrassing secret and then be good-humoured about it while they poke fun at you. Laugh at yourself.
Vegetarianism isn't an embarrassing secret. It's a simple fact that people can either respect or not.
Personally I'm completely shocked by the lengths my friends go to to accommodate me. People actually cook entirely vegetarian meals - no meat for anyone - or certainly vegetarian versions of the main dish.
You have nothing to apologise for. Don't eat meat if you don't want to eat eat, there's no need for expounding on this point. There's no need to make up stories about protein allergies or anything else like that. Just eat the veges (and probably be malnourished and hungry, so maybe have an OSM bar - or your local equivalent - to fill the gap, later on when you're no longer with your hosts).
Nice people, and most people are nice - if sometimes a little thoughtless - and nice people will make allowances. More meat for them, after all.
posted by The Monkey at 5:42 PM on March 22, 2009
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Ever since I started my first full time job 13 years ago there were vegetarian options available at all meetings/functions. Vegetarians are expected in all workplaces and it should completely be a non issue for internal meetings and they will have guidance on how to approach it elsewhere.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:26 PM on March 20, 2009 [4 favorites]