Let's have sex--Maybe.

March 20, 2009 12:27 PM

Would it be OK to ask a guy to maybe have sex with me?

A short relationship ended recently (4 months), and I'm missing sex. I haven't had it in 3 weeks and it's driving me nuts. I'm very shy and find it hard to flirt and find "new prospects", so I'm considering sending an email to this guy I briefly dated last year, but who I didn't end up sleeping with. There was an obvious physical attraction, but we drifted apart for one reason or another--plus I was more prudish back then. I want us to meet up for a drink, and then if we're both still attracted, go back to my place and have sex. The only reason I'm hesitating is--what if it turns out I'm no longer attracted to him? I don't want to jerk him around. I don't want to vaguely ask him out for drinks because he might think I'm looking to possibly date again--which I'm not sure either of us would want.

So, I'm wondering: would you feel jerked around if a woman told you she was looking for action, wanted to get together to see if there was still an attraction, and it turned out that she wasn't feeling it after all?

posted by oceanview to human relations (25 comments total)

Well, just be honest and up front about your problem. He'll decide on his own.
posted by Electrius at 12:30 PM on March 20

I would say that the best thing to do would be just to ask him out for a drink. Don't tell him that you are "looking for action." Just ask him to go have a drink with you. Say that you just want to "catch up," or something like that.

Then you can decide if there is still a physical attraction... if there is, you could bring up your idea to have sex while you're having a drink with him. Chances are he'll be into it!
posted by bacall423 at 12:30 PM on March 20 [5 favorites]

vaguely ask him out for drinks and then if it's there go and do it. If it doesn't work out that night, no biggie.
posted by stratastar at 12:34 PM on March 20

... wow... 3 weeks... umm... that's rough :)

I don't think most guys would jump to the assumption that you want to date them just b/c you asked them out for a drink. If you mention sex at the outset, however, they will come into the situation with expectations, and then feel quite jerked around. I agree, just say you want to catch up. Don't mention the possibility of sex... unless

On rereading this, exactly what bacall423 said. I just wanted to get in a snarky comment about a 3 week dry spell.
posted by baxter_ilion at 12:37 PM on March 20 [4 favorites]

Ok, ask him out for drinks near HIS place. That way he's not too inconvenienced if it doesn't work.

I would almost never, ever say no to an offer of sex, and if I did, I'd say, "I'm incredibly flattered, but no thank you, because of (honest reason X), please understand."
posted by saysthis at 12:50 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

how many MeMails did you just get about your location?

Anyway, I'd go with email: "Hey it's been a while...what are you up to this weekend?"
Him: Blah blah blah some bar or something on Friday/Saturday
You: Oh cool well I'm going out to Club XYZ for a little while but maybe we could meet up. I'll text you! (get his number)

That night, around 10 you text: Where you at?
Him: etc etc whatever
You: i want to meet up with you, your place?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:50 PM on March 20

If you do decide he's "do-able", make sure you make clear that you're looking for rebound sex, not a relationship, so you don't leave him feeling led on or used. Plenty of guys will be happy to just have a one-nighter -- you could basically go out to any bar and get laid --, but don't let a guy who has reason to think you're looking to date think he's getting one thing (a relationship) only to find he's only getting a one-nighter.

Being clear about what you want and what you're offering will leave everyone happier. Once you've had the drink and if you still want to bang him, lay your cards on the table. And definitely, also be clear about safe sex expectations.
posted by orthogonality at 12:51 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

There's always coffee. Coffee seems to have more of a tentative nature, culturally, then alcohol does. Drinks are nighttime, coffee is daytime; drinks are intimate, coffee is energetic. This doesn't mean you cannot size up your reaction to him during this time.

However, if you do decide to put the moves on, be very upfront and clear about this being about getting an itch scratched. Rewrite this question with the gender roles reversed and ask yourself how well it might be received. Yeah, you'd probably want someone to be clear with you, going into it, that they're looking for a good time and nothing more.
posted by adipocere at 12:52 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

would you feel jerked around if a woman told you she was looking for action, wanted to get together to see if there was still an attraction, and it turned out that she wasn't feeling it after all?

It depends entirely on the guy, where he is maturity wise, and what he is looking for.

Many guys would be perfectly happy with such an arrangement. Some would want something more in the form of emotional attachment, or at least some sort of guarantee that you're not fucking other guys too (guys are jealous that way...) Of course, many guy's perceptions change over time, so if he did seem needy or possessive in the past, he may be much more pragmatic about relationships now.

How do you go about it? I don't think you should come right out and articulate your plan, rather I think a perfectly reasonable course is to contact the guy, tell him you want to catch up and see how he's been, and then take it from there. If you come right out and say, "You. In me. Right now!" that may scare him away...

I think meeting for drinks sounds perfectly reasonable and it also allows you both to get your beer goggles on.

Don't forget: use protection! You don't know where he's been!

Oh, and I think you've got it a little backwards: guys feel jerked around when they DON'T get laid...
posted by wfrgms at 12:52 PM on March 20

would you feel jerked around if a woman told you she was looking for action, wanted to get together to see if there was still an attraction, and it turned out that she wasn't feeling it after all?

It's definitely great that you care about this, and great to have the intention not to hurt people emotionally, but I want to counter something I see in DatingFilter a lot (and just a little bit in one or two of these replies): it isn't your responsibility to go through life never putting other people in positions where they could get their feelings hurt. If you don't lie to this guy, and he chooses to get involved, and he does gets his feelings hurt... well, a) he'll recover, and b) the hurt feelings were a risk he was taking when he chose to get involved. This sounds cold, but I don't think it is. Do what you want, be honest about what you want, don't force people to do stuff they don't want to do, and you're all set.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 1:00 PM on March 20 [2 favorites]

Sheesh, you don't even want to go for a preliminary round of drinks first?

There is a very specific breed of man who would be thrilled if a woman called him up and said, "Hey dude, I know I never slept with you when we were dating but I'm jonesing for a boning and, congratulations, you are the first person who came to mind. Mind being reduced to my penis of choice for the evening?" They are not as numerous as sexist assumptions would have you think.
posted by zoomorphic at 1:00 PM on March 20 [2 favorites]

I'm going to go with the "ask him out for drinks" without the upfront implication of sex thing. He's a guy, he's already going to be hoping you may want some action, and if you don't, well, you don't and he'll be sad and go watch some porn and get over it.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:03 PM on March 20

First things first: Is he single? If he isn't, would that bother you?


Secondly:
The only reason I'm hesitating is--what if it turns out I'm no longer attracted to him

Why wouldn't you find him attractive now if there was a strong physical connection?

Thirdly:
would you feel jerked around if a woman told you she was looking for action, wanted to get together to see if there was still an attraction, and it turned out that she wasn't feeling it after all?

Eh, if he feels jerked around, he'll get over it.

Fourthly:
don't want to vaguely ask him out for drinks because he might think I'm looking to possibly date again--which I'm not sure either of us would want.

You should figure this out, at least on your end, before you have sex with him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:08 PM on March 20

If he's single then he's likely out looking for some sex already, it wouldn't inconvenience him to "up" his odds by meeting up with you. And if he's a jerk about it "I met with you, you owe me some sex" then he's probably just a jerk.
posted by fenriq at 1:49 PM on March 20

If you don't lie to this guy, and he chooses to get involved, and he does gets his feelings hurt... well, a) he'll recover, and b) the hurt feelings were a risk he was taking when he chose to get involved.

You're the best person to judge if the ex is detached enough to make this decision rationally. I know lots of people who hit up exes for sex, tell them in advance that it's only sex and nothing else, yet know full well that the exes are emotionally invested and will end up getting hurt. And then don't feel remorse because they did the 'right' thing by telling the ex in advance what their intention was, regardless of the actual repercussions. Please don't do this.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:55 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

In addition to thinking about how to gracefully handle the possibility that you are no longer attracted to him, you should also have a plan on how to gracefully handle—and not get mentally screwed up by—the possibility that he may no longer be attracted to you.

His being single is no iron-clad guarantee that he's bound to want to fall into bed with you; going into the meeting while considering it a foregone conclusion would be a mistake. Him being the dissenting party may be less likely, but people can be more complex than "Me Man. Vagina Good. Me Want Vagina."
posted by CKmtl at 2:12 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

Invite him over for breakfast on Saturday morning and then screw his brains out. He'll be so confused that he won't know what to think and you'll have satisfied your itch. If you aren't interested once he arrives then it was just a quirky breakfast invite. But you'll probably be interested.
posted by pandabearjohnson at 2:34 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

This is pretty simple and you're overthinking. Ex-who-bailed-suddenly-and-without-notice on me called me up to apologize--ten months later. We weren't THAT serious, and she was supposed to have been moving in the near future, but now she was actually moving at the end of the month and just wanted to apologize. We talked things out, determined we'd like to catch up again and set tentative plans for that Friday.

Texting a bit later during the week, she asked what we were going to do, I mentioned we had not previously met in person without having had sex, and she mentioned she was horny, she texted back "let's pick up where we left off, then" and away we went.

Then she bailed again at the end of the month. Classy, this girl.

Either way, if we hadn't been that straightforward, I imagine we would've gone and grabbed drinks, very quickly determined there was still some attraction, and then I would've asked her back to my place.

Go grab a drink, "catch up" and if he doesn't take the lead, start mentioning that you've been going a bit crazy since it's "been awhile" since you've gotten any, and casually hint that you'd like some NSA sex. He'll either be very happy, or he'll demur with a decent excuse and you'll find someone else.

Sadly, as the girl, you have most of the power here, and if you're NOT interested in him anymore, just end the evening with the straight up "this has been fun; we should keep in touch!"
posted by disillusioned at 2:35 PM on March 20

Slimepuppy: This isn't her ex, she went on a few dates with the dude.

I think Saturday brunch is genius actually. He's likely to be free and think of it as non-threatening then, pounce...Oh nice, eggs, and look mimosas haha delicious my goodness i'm tipsy well thanks for a WOW YOURE NAKED.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:38 PM on March 20 [7 favorites]

To be perfectly honest, if I were in that situation I may think you were slutty and be concerned about STDs. Or feeling particularly frisky and say "ahh fuck it" (literally). Either way (boning or not) I would probably have regrets later.
posted by nickerbocker at 3:43 PM on March 20

Whatever you do, be confident in yourself, and changing your mind is always ok. You can change your mind after meeting him for a drink. Hell you can even change your mind after you go to his place / he to yours. Do not force yourself to go through with something just because its what you thought you wanted earlier in the day.
posted by CTORourke at 5:18 PM on March 20 [1 favorite]

Ok, why would you be attracted to him last year and not now?
posted by Maias at 5:45 PM on March 20

So, I'm wondering: would you feel jerked around if a woman told you she was looking for action, wanted to get together to see if there was still an attraction, and it turned out that she wasn't feeling it after all?

Yeah, I totally agree with game warden. This is about YOU!!! You taking care of YOUR needs, that's all. That's your only responsibility, to take care of yourself.

He has his own responsibilities, such as taking care of himself, and risking getting rejected for the sake of sex is HIS decision.

And, if you had a strong attraction, it should still be there, unless something has made you really dislike the person or think less of them.

I say, just send him an email, saying something about how you were just thinking about him the other day, and that it would be fun to go out for drinks with him this friday... thats the tough part, but if he says yes, then you're in.

On the date, bring up any topic that has to do with sex. Drink more. Let nature take it's course.
posted by Locochona at 6:42 PM on March 20

This is about YOU!!! You taking care of YOUR needs, that's all. That's your only responsibility, to take care of yourself.

Last time I checked, there's a person attached to the penis she'd like to use. If meeting her sexual needs is the only concern, then there are hands conveniently attached to the ends of her arms and a world full of vibrators, massaging shower-heads, and unbalanced washing machines out there. Also, there are manwhores escorts perfectly willing to cater to her needs in a very business-only manner.

If the genders were reversed, such an attitude ("Don't worry about the girl. Just worry about your needs.") would be rightfully met with a white-hot rage rivaling the brilliance of a thousand suns and probably inspire a very popular Jezebel post.
posted by CKmtl at 7:22 PM on March 20 [11 favorites]

Yeah, I totally agree with game warden. This is about YOU!!! You taking care of YOUR needs, that's all. That's your only responsibility, to take care of yourself.

Obviously not quite what I was saying. But the appropriate amount of consideration to have for the other person is "am I being basically honest and upfront?", rather than "am I creating a situation where he could potentially have his feelings hurt?" Because, guess what, the latter is called "being alive".
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 9:40 AM on March 21