I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately.

March 19, 2009 1:11 AM

Where does passion reside?

I am 24 years old, still young I know, have never been known to take risks, and over think almost everything, including this. I keep telling myself that something will come along, I wait, and question whether it really matters or not; am I wasting my time? Should I just relax, and be okay with the fact I get to breeze through life without the intense feelings of stress and obsession that come along with a passion for something?

It's a fact though, I have never been passionate about anything. Nothing. Ever. I'm sure many have experienced the same, but for some reason it really bothers me.

I've always been drawn to the idea of being so intoxicated with an activity, sport, work, art, or music that nothing else matters; no thoughts, nor doubts, or insecurities; just your passion. But the truth is I feel numb. The largest emotion I have is fear that someone will find out how emotionless I really am. Is this seemingly cold interior holding me back?

I don't believe in fate or destiny, I'm not spiritual or religious in anyway. I don't even like to subscribe to any particular philosophy really. If I had to label myself, it would be: fallibilist. I guess the truth is, I'm worried how I will spend the rest of my life if nothing grabs me or vice versa. I want to be happy in a job or profession that carries me to the end, I want to do something I love, but the word barely holds weight for me.

Most things that people would call achievements feel empty to me; I am a college graduate, I play music in a band, have designed webpages, have held successful jobs related to what I studied in school, have good friends, family, etc. While I am grateful for all of these accomplishments, and recognize how privileged I am, everything feels like it has always been some sort of weird expectation. I mean no one has forced me to do anything, but I can't really say that I have wanted anything that badly, and think I would still be fine if none of it happened; Though I suppose that is hard to imagine.

Maybe I feel this way because I have been so spoiled. I have always felt safe, have never experienced "tough times," or have never been really depressed. If I'm in between jobs I can always move back with mommy and daddy who live close in the same city. I almost want something terrible to happen, just to see if I can get through it.

Anyone have similar feelings, experiences, existential crises? What did you do to ease your mind? Or simply, what is your passion?

Apologies for the book, but to conclude, I offer a quote from the movie Adaptation (may have been taken from the Orchid Thief, not sure):
"I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately."

Help?

posted by bettershredder to grab bag (21 comments total)

24 is a little early to be worrying about the rest of your life, and if you're second-guessing everything that comes your way by looking at it under a microscope of "can I be passionate about this?", that's going to be detrimental in the long run. "Passion" isn't a prerequisite for being human.

Volunteer at an animal shelter. Study science Backpack around Europe. Go skydiving. Life is about doing things. Passion arrives of its own volition, not because you want it to.
posted by turgid dahlia at 2:26 AM on March 19

See here.

You need to do something different, something you're not entirely comfortable with, something that can't be undone easily.

I moved to Asia.

You don't need to go that far, but you need to do something. Volunteering, skydiving, travelling, whatever--you only get once chance at life. Use it.
posted by smorange at 2:45 AM on March 19 [3 favorites has favorites]

Take off for six months. Get away from your comfort zone.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:51 AM on March 19

I looked up fallibilism, and learned that all claims of knowledge could, in principle, be mistaken. To which I'd say, 'well, duh." Perhaps I'm a born fallibilist? Anyhow, I'm doubtful that a lack of certain knowledge is at the root of your problems.

I've been prone to existential crises for as long as I can remember, though I didn't know what to call them until I read Camus in high school. They're much less upsetting now than they used to be (I'm approaching 40) -- they've become so familiar that they're almost comforting.

I'm also familiar with the feeling of being stifled by a surfeit of safety. I used to have fantasies that my house would burn down, that the slate would be wiped clean, my apathy swept away with my stuff. I've been in some dangerous circumstances and found them exhilarating (crossing a remote and icy mountain pass on a motorcycle comes to mind), but I've brushed up against the edges of real disaster and loss enough times now that the fantasy has lost most of its appeal.

You might feel less trapped in your own skin if you were to examine some of your statements a little more critically than you have so far. For example, you claim to feel numb, but also fear, emptiness and worry. You suffer doubts and insecurities. Fear, emptiness and worry are not numbness. They may seem like dim, guttering candles in a big, dark room, but they are signs of life. You shouldn't dismiss them. They are not irrelevant.

Also, you suggest that "breezing through life" is an option, but you don't seem to be able to breeze through this. What you can breeze through is not life, it's other people's expectations. Other people's expectations are not enough. I suspect you need to dig into whatever you'd care about if you weren't so busy keeping yourself safe from criticism by doing what other people expect. You may never live with the kind of blind, doubtless passion you've got such a hunger for (and I doubt the reality would be as pleasant as the fantasy), but you've got a set of values that you've trained yourself to ignore. They're buried in some closet somewhere. Dig them out and dust them off.
posted by jon1270 at 3:17 AM on March 19 [5 favorites has favorites]

*Wow* are you the twin I never knew I had? You detailed some of the things that explains my passionless state of mind and my background. I'm 24 as well and I think I take very little risks compared to the peers that I admire take on. The thought first hit me when I visited a highschool teacher 3 years after graduation and he was shocked to hear that I hadn't ventured outside of the city of Vancouver, BC on my own still, not to mention overseas.

I have very protective parents, who want the best from their children so they help out financially whenever possible. I realized though, they have their life to live and I have mine, and I will choose to live mine and on my own means. Since then, I've flown across the country to meet friends I only knew online, brought my mom and myself back to our home country for the first time since we left 16 years prior, and gone to Europe on my own with a friend.

My notes to share with you... do you have an inquisitive mind? That might help you explore things you might not otherwise explore. If not, no worries: Are you so passionless that you're indifferent to what you want to do? I tend to be like that so I would pick random things to do. I just close my eyes, feel the moment, and let my finger point to a direction (don't take these literally). As I do these various activities, I try not to think of them as a waste of time. What I'm doing is experiencing people and places, to hear stories, and to make stories of later on - all in a quest to find that passion.

I spent highschool and university years, and typically my free time as well, in front of computer. But over the summer 2 years ago, I joined a dragonboat team on a whim and was taught under the best coach possible, I think, under my situation. At the time that I joined, she was only 19, and had already chosen dragonboating as her passion for life because it saved her life. It's from meeting her over the first year that I realized I have no passion for anything. Any material possession, good eats, good music, the internet, etc can be stripped from me at any time and I would have no qualms about it. If that happens, what would I have left? How would I go about this world being myself?

Well, I have some rules for myself. As I'm going through this path, I may as well help the world in some capacity while doing it. And have you heard of the Mayan calendar that signify doomsday (some say giant shift) of the world when its clock runs out? It's set to happen on Dec 21, 2012 - about 4 years from now. It's kind of stupid to believe in this stuff, I know, but I've turned it around as a timer for myself to learn "essential life skills" in electronics, wood working, food security, cooking, learn how to drive vehicles on air, land, water - again as a way to help me find passion. Here's the sort of things I've done or am doing:

- I volunteered at a local urban farm last summer to learn about harvesting, weeding, soil chemistry, etc so I can grow my own food. That experience was of course not enough to be a farmer. I'm eyeing the WOOFF program and One Life Japan to learn more.
- From being a paddler, I eyed the steersperson role as well, so whenever the opportunity arose, I took up the task during practice and eventually learned how to steer. This ignited a feeling of wanting to navigate the waters through other means... marine navigation anyone? I studied to get a boat operator card, and will sign up for a sailing class in the summer. I'm even eyeing a career in the marine industry. Who knows, maybe the world will be overtaken by zombies and if that happens, I'm living in my boat!
- I realized from dragonboating that I like to focus on mastering something (technique, form, body strengthening, etc) and then move on to something else. Now I'm in a rugby team, which I found out about from a new paddler who also plays. My parents would freak when they find out. It's the riskiest sport I've played so far, but it's so fun and thrilling.

I have more but I think I divulged enough of myself. Sometimes it feels as if this quest is passion in itself. Feel free to msg me directly to share more notes. Oh, and this AskMefi thread might help: http://ask.metafilter.com/100880/, especially this and this comment.
posted by janek at 3:44 AM on March 19 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm the complete opposite of you. I'm sorry, I don't know how to help you feel passion, but I want to warn you to make sure you're chase the right kind of passion. It can be a blessing or a curse. The healthy kind gives you drive and purpose, and makes your life more colorful and exciting. The dangerous kind is all-consuming, exhausting, destructive, and makes you wish you could just stop. Passion can create great focus, but also tunnel-vision. Passion can inspire dedication, or ignite obsession.

I tend toward the dangerous kind. I've taken some pretty big risks, but they feel like compulsions rather than decisions. These risks made me feel very alive, but you usually do when you're on the brink of catastrophe. If you want this kind, the only way I know how is to do something that scares you. You say you're not passionate about anything. But there are things that terrify you, aren't there?

You've never wanted something so badly that your whole life revolved around it and you'd do anything to get it? Maybe you should look into Buddhism. Maybe the emptiness you feel is really just because you're the only sane person in an asylum. I know you said you're not spiritual, but maybe Buddhist philosophy could help you to find meaning in your "emptiness."
posted by keep it under cover at 4:08 AM on March 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think you need to read Flow. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszent explores the state of mind of those who are caught up in their passion. Wonderful series of explorations.
posted by ptm at 5:51 AM on March 19

Passion requires risk. It doesn't sound like you take any risks. A risk doesn't have to be life threatening but will force you into a different direction and will change your life. Start taking risks and living life. Start now, 24 is young but it's also a time when you can get stuck into being the person you will be for the rest of your life.
posted by JJ86 at 6:33 AM on March 19

Passion is over-rated. But it does seem as if you could use some challenges and/or enthusiasm in your life. Don't aim for one thing being your passion. It is unrealistic. But you should be able to recognize things that make you happy and give you a sense of accomplishment.

I suggest travel. Somewhere that scares you a little bit. Move to a foreign country. Take a weird job. There is no such thing as failure. (Just don't end up dead)
posted by Gor-ella at 7:24 AM on March 19

I've always been drawn to the idea of being so intoxicated with an activity ... that nothing else matters.... The largest emotion I have is fear that someone will find out how emotionless I really am...

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? If so, what does he/she think about this? If not, maybe -- dare I say -- get one?

I'm actually surprised this hasn't been suggested yet. I think I know why: there's a meme (popular on MeFi) that you need to fully develop yourself first, and only then enter a relationship. Well, life isn't always so neat and tidy.

All that said, maybe just forget about this whole topic and live your life. Don't try to conform to how other people seem to feel. They're probably putting on a bit of a show anyway. Maybe you just have a personality that's a bit off the beaten path -- cooler, more content, less likely to get overheated or carried away. You don't need to carve the world up into labels ("PASSION!") and try to slip into them like ill-fitting clothes, to mix metaphors. Accept yourself the way you are.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:39 AM on March 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

Read Walden.
posted by General Tonic at 7:41 AM on March 19

What do you like doing?

Do that to excess.

That's the closest thing I can think of as a formula for passion.
posted by Kattullus at 7:43 AM on March 19

Volunteer for a crisis hotline.
posted by kldickson at 7:50 AM on March 19

I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately.

I was you. I spent the better half of the decade following getting out of college pretty much just kind of floating. I held down decent jobs, volunteered a lot, had a good group of friends, moved to a new city, held down better jobs, volunteered more. I made my promotions and raises and whatnot but I had no particular desire to be doing what I was doing - and I had no ideas for doing anything else that might make me feel any differently.

Then my passion found me.

I started reading about the Lost Boys in Sudan - about the atrocities in Darfur. Somewhere in a first-class seat somewhere above the midwest, reading about this, it just kind of hit me like a big blunt hammer: this is happening right now, on the same planet I'm living and working and partying and saving for my retirement on. It was like all of sudden I looked at my life and just had one big WTF moment.

It was all kind of a blur from there - I was reading every book I could get my hands on, and not just about Darfur, but other places too. I started watching movies and documentaries that I previously had little-to-no interest in. Instead of scrolling past the "World" section on Google News to get straight to business and sports, I found myself rarely getting past it.

I knew for a while in my head what it all meant before I blurted it out on a cold street-corner somewhere in Chinatown to the girl who it was clear I wasn't going to be pursuing anymore: I think I'm leaving to work in humanitarian relief and development in Africa. And not too long after that, so I was.

This is what caring about something passionately feels like: every once in a while - not all the time, at least not in my experience - but every now and again, completely unexpectedly, you have a moment of pause where your singular, mind-stopping thought is: "Holy crap, this is really me here doing this right now. I'm doing it. Holy crap."

And then you get on with your day and your job and whatever and its not really all that extraordinary again. Until the next time it happens.

I tried to explain this feeling to a friend once but I'm not sure I can adequately recreate it in words for someone who hasn't experienced it - it would be a bit like describing the color blue to a person blind from birth.

All I can say is that I now have a passion. I'm amazed that I get to actually pursue it, each day when I wake up. I'm even more amazed that people seem to think I'm *good* at it, of all things. It sounds dumb almost to try to explain it. My life is completely different and I couldn't ever imagine it being the way it was before again - going back to not having it.

I suppose I agree that the dangerous qualities of having a passion are the things that get left in your wake, or you never really even stop to think about. I live and work in some pretty insanely dangerous contexts now and I almost never stop to think about it - my poor mother worries a lot. I see my family and friends very little now and its difficult, but you tend to turn back to your passion even more to fill those holes. I knew I needed to give up on the hope of ever seriously dating, and somehow its an area of my life I don't even think about anymore. Hopefully you can begin to see how these are not necessarily always good things.

I'd wish you luck in finding a passion, but I can't say I honestly know that its something that can be found - I'm not entirely sure that it isn't something that finds you. All you can do is be looking around and open to consider new things, which it sounds like you are.
posted by allkindsoftime at 8:51 AM on March 19 [3 favorites has favorites]

That's just one suggestion. Do something that really requires you to challenge yourself to the limits of your abilities. Part of passion is challenge.

I'll tell you a little about my own passions: my main passion in life is neuroscience. I am devoting my life to a three-pound blob of tissue that has built civilizations, invented technology, and engineered the very science that studies it. We know almost nothing about this organ, and my particular question about it is what about it generates our intelligence and our ability to problem-solve and why are some people better at it than others, and what physiological differences cause people such as Einstein to arise out of a population largely composed of, quite honestly, complete morons? (We know it's combined with environmental factors, but there are also physiological components.) I am studying it formally and planning to earn a PhD degree in it, and I read articles for fun and attend conferences when I can. Quite frankly, this is the main thing that drives my life, and if I didn't have it, all else would be for naught in my opinion. My relationships with people pale in comparison to my passion for and involvement with neuroscience.

Find a purpose that has a large impact on the world and that makes you want to push yourself to your limits to achieve it not just satisfactorily, but as close to 100% perfection as possible. Self-actualization produces satisfied people.
posted by kldickson at 9:30 AM on March 19 [1 favorite has favorites]

The best answer to this I've ever read is from Carey Tennis at Salon.
posted by lalochezia at 9:42 AM on March 19

Like you, I'm a little too tightly wound for my own good. I graduated from law school at 24, and had a whole list of "achievements" and "skills" that were nice on paper but from which I derived little or no pleasure. I was medicated for depression, but was still depressed. I was cold inside. (My ex called me his robot.)

It turns out that my drinking had been really impairing my ability to experience emotion. It was an absolute escape for me - from me.

Maybe take a long hard look to see if you are escaping yourself in any way, and seal off those exits. Having emotions isn't always pretty. It isn't always fun. But when it is, it's amazing. Passion, for me, is much more subtle than I expected it to be. Passion for me is being overwhelmed by everyday beauty, or teaching music lessons and in doing so sharing the gift of music (which I now enjoy), or even just in realizing that - slowly, almost imperceptibly - I have begun to appreciate my true value; I have started to like Me.
posted by greekphilosophy at 3:02 PM on March 19

You say you've never been passionate about anything. That doesn't mean you couldn't one day be passionate about something. Maybe the possibilities you are aware of are limited because of your fear and risk-aversion. Things that could make you happy are a non-option because they seem so unattainable and unrealistic that they don't enter your awareness of what is possible in this world.

Like the girl who thinks hey, I would love to be president, but that's not possible, I'm a girl! And anyway, my parents want me to be a doctor and I'm good at medicine and I'll earn a lot of money and that's good right? And with that, she dismisses the thought and it never enters her mind again as something possible, because it goes against everything her life is.

I'vw gone through exactly what you're going through. It took me a lot of navel-gazing to understand that what I was passionate about, what I wanted, were things that I'd daydreamed about but chucked aside because it just wasn't possible to attain given the way my life is structured right now. I'd have to remove a lot of expectations and things taken for granted. I'd have to work harder than ever before because it was all unfamiliar to me, and there'd be no guarantee of success or financial security - basically, I'd have to take a lot of risk. That terrified me and I came up with a lot of excuses as to why I shouldn't try, why it would be better for me to go along the conventional route and stick with what I know, with what I'm good at, but in the end it boiled down to one thing: when I thought of what I could become if I put in the effort, if I took the risk...I felt truly excited about what my life would be. Compared to the usual feeling of 'Oh, I'm awake again, well here's what I have to do today...'.


So examine yourself, remove all preconceived expectations of the world and ask yourself, if there were no barriers or obstacles, what would I want to do in life? And then measure that against the safety and comfort of your established life and take it from there. Sure you could wait for inspiration to strike you - but what if that never happens? Ten years down the road you could be in the same position, just waiting for life to dazzle you. That's not how life works, I don't think. To get the most out of life you need to know what you want above and beyond the usual comforts, what you'd want if you could have it all, and that comes about with a lot of introspection and honesty.


As for me, if it helps, I haven't fully thrown myself into the challenge. The change I'd have to make would be enormous. Life gets in the way, and I know I'm not one of those people who can give up everything and start from scratch. I'd like to have my cake and eat it too, so to speak. But I'm making an effort and I know it will take me longer to get to where I'd like to be. That's alright by me. I can't expect the usual success and ease of achievement to apply to endeavours that I've never tried before. If I fail, at least I can say that I tried, that I didn't settle.
posted by parjanya at 3:10 PM on March 19

Lots of good suggestions and possibilities here. Just wanted to agree that passions don't drop into people's lives fully formed- they had to grow into them over time. IMO, the best way to find things you are excited about is just to keep yourself open to trying new things and pursue whatever looks interesting as much or as little as you want.

Don't pressure yourself to find something so much that you feel paralyzed; just relax and enjoy things as they are.
posted by tachikoma_robot at 7:34 PM on March 19

The above suggestions are great. I'll also add that passions can change over time - I've gone from music television and fandom, to non-profits, alternative education, and social enterprise, to burlesque performance, circus, and sexuality. Who knows what I'll be in the next few years. But right now I'm loving life.

I agree with allkindsoftime in that sometimes it's the passion that finds you. I got interested in non-profits after an amazing Up with People trip that I joined in not entirely knowing what to expect. I grew a passion in burlesque after taking classes on a whim and enjoying the company. Try something that looks vaguely interesting. Look at the papers, see what's happening in your city, and go take a look. Let it lead you to something fascinating.
posted by divabat at 10:47 PM on March 19

Sounds to me like you're just SANE.
posted by zachawry at 5:34 AM on March 20