How do I get a second chance with the guy I just snubbed?

March 18, 2009 3:41 PM

Can this (not even a relationship yet) be saved?

I went on a date about two weeks ago with an incredible man: smart, talented, working in a job he's passionate about, well-travelled with just a hint of his Irish accent still in place. We had a great afternoon but unfortunately, for me, there was zero, zero physical attraction.

Nonetheless, here it is two weeks later and I'm still thinking of him. After the date, he sent me a sweet note saying he'd like to see me again and I gave him a polite (but very sincere) "can we be friends" response.

Is there any way I can write to him again and say, "please forgive the idiot woman who wrote that last email and go out on another date with me"? (I am obviously looking for better suggestions here.)

And for the record, I have learned my lesson: Give the guy at least two dates before you give him the brush off (unless he insists on showing you his car and talking about it for about 20 minutes .... which is what my date before this guy did.)

posted by notjustfoxybrown to human relations (19 comments total)

Sure, write him a letter and say please forgive the idiot woman who wrote that last email. No reason you can't go about being friends and see if something more intimate develops.
posted by fenriq at 3:45 PM on March 18

I think you should just call him and ask him out. He'll be a little confused, and might say no because of your "just be friends" thing from before, but maybe he'll come out and you can flirt with him more and make it clear you're interested in seeing where things go. Then it was just an awkward little molehill.

But call him. Don't e-mail.
posted by juliplease at 3:46 PM on March 18

I'm confused: what's changed? Won't you still have zero physical attraction to him? I mean, he sounds like a great guy, but he's probably not the right guy for you.
posted by sharkfu at 3:47 PM on March 18

I used to do this all the time, too. I got skittish around basically any guy and would cite every excuse in the book to not go on a second date unless he was Perfect, and even then, I could fluently talk myself out of a Perfect man. Just tell him you also got skittish for whatever reason--dating makes you nervous, you had a recent break-up, too much job stress, whathaveyou--but make sure you emphasize that you didn't decline the date because of him (unless you already told him so) but because of your stupid inner monologue. If he seemed into you, he'll probably be relieved that you didn't give him the brush off because you found him unattractive.
posted by zoomorphic at 3:48 PM on March 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Sharkfu, it's not uncommon for me to be a little slow on the draw when it comes to attraction.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 4:01 PM on March 18

What happens if he says yes to another date, you go out, and you discover that you're still not physically attracted to him? Chemistry is a weird and unpredictable thing, and seeing him in person again may remind you of all the reasons you wanted to just be friends in the first place, and then you'd be in the uncomfortable position of rejecting him twice in as many dates.

Since you said you did want to be friends, though, why not go ahead and ask him to come along on a platonic outing? Get to know him better, hang out for a while as "just friends." If the spark of physical attraction eventually develops, great; I doubt he'll be disappointed if you want to get romantically involved later. If you're still not at all attracted, it sounds like he'd make a great friend, so you're still ahead.
posted by fermion at 4:03 PM on March 18 [6 favorites has favorites]

there's nothing to lose by trying. tell him you declined for reasons that had nothing to do with him (or another man) and that you regret the decision and are hoping he'll give you another chance.

he might say yes, or he might think, "crazy lady, stay away."

in any case, i wouldn't have high hopes for a solid friendship coming out of a failed date, so this is probably your best bet. (it COULD happen, of course, and there will probably be five people following up to say that it happened to them, but in my experience, it's unlikely.)
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:05 PM on March 18

Just say you changed your mind. I'm sure he'd be thrilled. Tell him he seems to be growing on you.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:07 PM on March 18

Be simple. This is not that bad - and it's not a time to grovel or self-deprecate.

"Hey - on second thought, do you want to get together next week?"
posted by koeselitz at 4:18 PM on March 18

I've had women reject me, then change their mind - sometimes throwing themselves at me - and I still have difficulty reconciling the initial rejection. For me its "once rejected, always rejected."
posted by torquemaniac at 4:21 PM on March 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've always assumed every man who's ever rejected me is crazy, so when they come back, I just figure they've come to their senses. That doesn't hurt my feelings.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:08 PM on March 18 [20 favorites has favorites]

I'd ignore the notion that this is any kind of walk-back, because that just sets things up in too dramatic a way for the next date.

So no apologies, no clarifications. Just follow up on your "let's be friends" message by underscoring that you meant it.

"You know, when I say let's be friends it's not a brush-off. I mean it. Wanna go bowling?"
posted by rokusan at 5:24 PM on March 18 [4 favorites has favorites]

"Please forgive the idiot woman who wrote that last email and go out on another date with me." is good. Cute, self-deprecating, and not too specific.
posted by desuetude at 5:27 PM on March 18

You gave him a "let's be friends" so...why not just hang out as friends, and see if anything sparks?
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:08 PM on March 18

I think I'm going to go along with the answers that tell me to plan a platonic outing and see if any sparks emerge. Thanks, all! Your suggestions were much better than what I got from my little sister: "Did you drink on that first date? No. Really, drink on the next date."
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 6:10 PM on March 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

Don't string this guy along any more than necessary.

I assume he's looking for a relationship, so he doesn't need your vacillating. It'll just hold him back from finding someone that really digs him. As a friend you'll probably hang out with him, but as a friend who thinks she might be keen on a relationship, you'll be a tail gunner, fucking up his opportunities with other women.

So: figure your shit out, and don't let this guy in on the "I don't know if I'm into him or not, I think about him all the time, and blah blah blah" stuff until you know your mind.

(I say this as a bit of a relationship vacillator myself - sue me, I have a giant brain, and my bean-plating skills could earn me a doctorate. So I do understand.)
posted by The Monkey at 7:25 PM on March 18

Your little sister's advice is pretty good, actually.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:32 PM on March 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

TPS, you gave me a nice laugh, thank you! That's my thinking exactly.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:01 PM on March 19

So, I followed through with the self-effacing suggestion, called him up and asked for a second date. He seemed very receptive. "So glad you called." "Yes, there are a few concerts I'd planned to attend. I'd love it if you join me." Alas, he never called again so perhaps torquemaniac had the right answer on this one. I've moved on but I'm always grateful for the green.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 3:47 PM on April 30