hug or snub?

March 18, 2009 11:02 AM

Must I hug a disliked ex-colleague?

So there's a man with whom I used to work that I dislike intensely. The reasons don't matter, though it might be relevant that I believe--and he knows that I believe--that he shafted me professionally. And plus I've just never liked him.

I will probably see this person in a professional context soon. He may well do the huggy-huggy "oh I haven't seen you in ages" thing, which is sort of de-rigeur-polite in certain northeast circles. (I am a woman.) Must I submit? Can I step back and offer him a handshake? Should I step back altogether, while saying something along the lines of, "it's nice to see you" or "you're looking well"?

I don't want to be HUGELY rude, but I wouldn't mind the subtle snub. Me-fites, help me achieve the best balance of professionalism and mild "f-u"!

posted by kestrel251 to work & money (29 comments total)

Pre-emptively offer your hand for a handshake.
posted by jayder at 11:04 AM on March 18 [11 favorites has favorites]

No. You are not required to. If you do not want to hug/be hugged, you decline.
posted by zerokey at 11:10 AM on March 18

Questions that start with Must I hug... are always answered with a resounding No in my book.

Start the handshake, say you're not feeling well (or if you really don't want to lie say you're feeling sick where the sick is being sick of seeing this person), or make sure you've got a plate of food in your hand.

Personally, I would go with the last one and make sure it's something that would leave a mess if I accidentally spilled it on someone. But I also wouldn't be meeting someone in a professional context like you will be so I have some more leeway in that sort of thing.
posted by theichibun at 11:11 AM on March 18

Note: Everyone needs a hug.

Seriously, though, I think jayder's idea of a pre-emptive handshake may be the best way to avoid the hug, although I think anyone should be able to decline any form of physical contact at their discretion, for any reason.
posted by owtytrof at 11:12 AM on March 18

You do not have to hug this person. Offer the handshake if it comes to that kind of contact. Also make sure that you seem happy...if not about seeing this person then just act like you're happy about your life. Living well is the best revenge and all that.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 11:12 AM on March 18 [5 favorites has favorites]

personally, i love the symbolism of an abrupt physicall rejection (a push-off, for example), but i'm not known as a particularly gracious person....
posted by klanawa at 11:12 AM on March 18

Oh, god no, you don't have to. Stick your hand out upon approach, don't falter, and simply hold your handshake-ground.
posted by tristeza at 11:18 AM on March 18

I will bet you are a female? Why is it that it's the women that get hugs, but the men don't have to?

I bring this up in part to say, watch what the men do when approached, and then do that. They automatically assume that this guy won't hug them, so they automatically stick out their hand for a handshake. That's what you should do.

If he should ignore the hand to give a hug (I've had that happen), I'd just noticable stiffen your back, and do not move your arms to hug back. It sends a pretty clear message to the other person that this is unwanted (and unprofessional).
posted by Houstonian at 11:18 AM on March 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

As you make eye contact and extend your hand for a handshake, you can also physically stiffen your posture and lean back a little--use body language to make it clear you're not going to hug him.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:21 AM on March 18

I agree with Jayder. The pre-emptive handshake sounds like the best way to diffuse this situation.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 11:25 AM on March 18

Ah the passive-aggressive fake-kissy greeting at a party. I've dodged so many! Best option is to just try not to come face-to-face with him. If you can't avoid it, aim to be digging in your bag, tying your shoe, getting a snack, or holding your drink & camera or something like that, so you can subtly block your chest and have your arms tangled up when he considers coming in for the hug. If the face-to-face fakery begins despite your best efforts, be polite, and at most snub him only subtly by waiting for him to say hi first, giving him minimal or somewhat hooded eye contact, and not going out of your way to laugh at his jokes. Just be a little cool, but still within the realm of politeness. Don't do anything verbal or physical that anyone else might notice, satisfying though it might be- other people will pick up on it, and it'll just make you look like a douche. Remember, the best revenge is for everyone else at the party to think you're fun and awesome, not bitter.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:27 AM on March 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

I don't want to be HUGELY rude, but I wouldn't mind the subtle snub. Me-fites, help me achieve the best balance of professionalism and mild "f-u"!

How do you want to be know professionally, as "kestrel251 the great" or as "kestrel251 the bitch, who can't ever let anything go"? Do you really want to get into a snub war with this guy? These little wars get noticed by higher ups and co-workers and are either ignored, noted as negative, or subtly encouraged for their own amusement or games.

Let it go. Live your life well. Initiate the hug and be professionally and friendly to him. Because then he'll be lulled into letting his defenses down, giving you the option to destroy him later, if you choose. Which you won't, 'cause you've moved on.


But then you'll pause and toy wiht him a bit and then move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:30 AM on March 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

N'thing the pre-emptive handshake.

Also, just out of curiousity, why would this guy "hug" you, given your dislike for him? Is he unaware of this dislike (i.e.--blissfully emotionally unintelligent)? How do you know that he likes you enough to hug you? Or is he just sort of fake and hugs everyone?
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:33 AM on March 18

Tell him you have a cold and don't want to pass it to him. Or tell him you have avian bone syndrome.
posted by anniecat at 11:37 AM on March 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

N'thing the handshake. As for the sickness excuse, just think of it as leaving out the pertinent part of "I'm sick (of you)." Another option is to break into a line of conversation ASAP. "Hi Bob. Yeah, it's been awhile. How's the (thing you know about him: family, car, etc.)?"
posted by rhizome at 12:09 PM on March 18

I had a coworker once who was fond of the slap on the back greeting, especially if walking up from behind. He was very tall, I am not, and the slap always felt a little rougher than it needed to be and it always felt to me like he was trying to establish some kind of alpha-male position.

My father suggested the solution. The next time he did it, I threw my elbows out like I was jumping after being startled and jabbed him hard in the ribs. "Shit dude, sorry, you startled me! I didn't see you there at all."

He was much more careful the next time.

What I'm saying is, hit him.
posted by The Man from Lardfork at 12:18 PM on March 18 [5 favorites has favorites]

Initiate the hug and be professionally and friendly to him.

Please do not. There's really no reason to hug anyone that you're not actually on genuinely affectionate terms with. Since when is it professional to hug people?
posted by Burhanistan at 12:20 PM on March 18 [8 favorites has favorites]

jayder has it - initiate the handshake and make it your vanguard. Position your shoulders perpendicular to his own to make any hug attempt doubly awkward. Grip, shake, withdraw and avoid. Nothing to it.

Good luck!
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:27 PM on March 18

I recommend the "kill em with kindness" approach. Be super-duper nice, on the verge of fake. Big hug. Lots of drama. Will confuse the crap out of him.
posted by radioamy at 12:30 PM on March 18

I am not a big fan of profession hugging, particularly socially enforced professional hugging.

In this situation, I wouldn't bother with the social lie about being sick. (For one thing, it sets up the expectation that you will hug when you're not sick.) I just present my hand and, as suggested above, allow my body language to indicate "handshake, not hug." It's perfectly simple to do this in a neutral or even positive way, incidentally.

As he approaches or as you approach him, stand still and lean back ever so slightly, as if you're surprised/delighted to be seeing him. (I know you're not surprised, but no noe will overthink this --- it's just a moment, after all.) Thrust out your hand and greet him energetically. Any fool should sense that this greeting is moving toward a handshake, not a hug.

If he moves in for the hug despite your body language, you can try the shoulder maneuver. To break it down in detail: as he moves in, put your left hand firmly on his right shoulder, the heel of your hand at the front of his shoulder. If he's shaking your hand as he moves in for the hug, you continue to clasp his hand, keeping your clasped hands between the two of you. If he's brushed your right hand aside, place it on his left shoulder, heel firmly in front.

This ridiculously detailed breakdown makes it sound a little awkward, but it happens in a moment, really, and it's pretty easy and surprisingly effective. All you're doing, really, is defining the limits of an unwanted embrace. Why should you have to hug someone you dislike, especially a professional acquaintance? He ain't Great-Uncle Bertie.
posted by Elsa at 12:36 PM on March 18 [2 favorites has favorites]

You do not EVER need to submit to an unwanted hug. I agree that it's common in certain northeast circles, but you do not need to let someone into your physical space if you are not comfortable with it.

Pre-emptive handshake with a professional "Nice to see you" or "You're looking well", as you suggest. (Don't worry about getting in a snub. Be above it.) If he comes on strong with the hug, step back and/or put a hand up to stop him. I don't like to be touched by people I don't know well, and I particularly don't like to be touched by people I don't like. That's my prerogative. A simple handshake is perfectly professional in every circle I can think of, even those huggy northeastern ones.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 12:37 PM on March 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Handshake.
posted by rokusan at 12:51 PM on March 18

Another vote for Elsa's suggested technique. The exact same maneuver was described to me by a priest I know, who has found herself a frequent target of unwanted hugs (she's a very friendly and caring person both personally and in her work, she just doesn't need/want to hug every single person in a receiving line after services).

And having experienced the shoulder-block (she was using me as her 'body-double' in a conversation with a few other people), it has the advantage that it feels friendly (comparable to a pat on the shoulder) but also firmly communicates that no hug is forthcoming.
posted by heyforfour at 12:57 PM on March 18

Your body your rules.
posted by lowlife at 12:59 PM on March 18 [3 favorites has favorites]

Thanks, guys! I'll go for the preemptive handshake, possibly backed up by Elsa's Move. Which may require some practice....
posted by kestrel251 at 2:01 PM on March 18

A certain Northeast circle, here. I never hug colleagues, ever, like, UGH. For people I like a lot, and with whom I've established a side relationship a handshake with a cheek-peck or air-kiss.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:02 PM on March 18

As someone who has received the shoulder block, I can say that it does not feel like a snub, so you don't have to worry about it being rude. A squeeze on the shoulder feels friendly, and it merely conveys a firm sense of what the blocker is comfortable with.
posted by surenoproblem at 2:13 PM on March 18

Apply thick layer of foundation to hands. Hug him hard, transferring hand-prints to his back.
posted by orthogonality at 2:27 PM on March 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

As you hold out your hand, also take a step back, so he can't use forward momentum to pull you towards him.

If you totally want to own the moment, you could always do this ...
posted by essexjan at 3:36 PM on March 18