21yo college student seeks same

March 16, 2009 10:39 PM

Is it socially acceptable for a male college student to use online dating? If so, what service should I use?

I'm a mildly attractive college student who is so reclusive that he is practically a shut-in-- already in therapy, thank you. I have a relationship-like arrangement with a woman who has given me permission to look down other avenues because her busy schedule does not give me as much attention as I'd like. I understand that is generally acceptable for women my age to use online dating services to meet older men, but is it okay for male college students to use online dating? Will people (employers, personal enemies, random jackasses on the internet) find my profile and use it against me in some manner? Will I be exposing myself to ridicule? (I know that sounds kind of paranoid but I figured I'd ask)

If it's socially acceptable, which online dating service should I use? Obviously, I would like to use a service that has a wide selection of other local (DC-area) college students.

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

I understand that is generally acceptable for women my age to use online dating services to meet older men, but is it okay for male college students to use online dating?

Why wouldn't it be?

It's perfectly acceptable. Loads of people do it. I recommend OKCupid.
posted by bookwibble at 10:46 PM on March 16

Sure it is. And I would also recommend OKCupid. It's filled with college-age folks and has a fun, casual setup.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:50 PM on March 16

I have never done online dating so take this with a grain of salt, but I'm wary of it. It almost seems like whatever problems you would have in 'regular' dating are exacerbated by online dating in our particular demographic (20-somethings.) I have a friend who kind of sucks at talking to guys, and she started doing the internet thing. Now she is always asking me for advice about all these guys she meets and . . . I don't know, it seems like they are ALL stringing her along, and dating multiple people, obviously just want her for sex, etc. And the poor girl is holding out for a real relationship. I don't know, it seems bleak. And she's a nice girl, just a little naive. The 'young' online dating scene, IMO, just seems like a bunch of people trying to date and sleep with as many other people as possible. It seems like a place where someone who is unsure to begin with might get burned.

But again, I've never done it, that's just my perception based on my friends' experiences. Personally, I'd give something like Meetup.com a shot. I joined a Meetup group that plays an obscure card game I like, and we meet at bars and play tournaments. I have a boyfriend, but I guarantee that if I was looking for a date I could easily find one there. We are a bunch of strangers with something in common, getting drunk and bonding . . . and yet the focus ISN'T on dating. that takes the pressure off. we have a great time and i've met a ton of cool people.

And as long as we're all being honest here, I do think that for the younger crowd, there still may be some stigma with the online dating. Whether warranted or not, there's always a pang of "Why did this person have to resort to doing it this way? are they hard to talk to in person? do they have no arms?"* i'd feel better talking to you if you came up to me at Starbucks than if I met you on the internet. if nothing else, it would show me that you have confidence, which is hot. But then again there are people who probably feel the exact opposite as me on this issue, so you might as well try lots of different approaches. good luck!

(*there actually was a guy i went to school with who had no arms, and i saw his ad on a dating website one day- all photos of his face only. i have nothing against a man with no arms, but i think it's fair to be upfront about this sort of thing! avoid surprises! you never know what you're gonna get on the internet. :-)
posted by lblair at 11:43 PM on March 16

Another OKCupid vote. It seems to be where all the hip kids hang out. And me. I haven't actually met any women on there, but that's me, and not the site (I cant keep up a conversation, I'm incredibly boring, socially broken, whatever).

You should be aware that anything you put out there is up for public ridicule by the not-so-scrupulous types. But honestly, at 21 it shouldn't be a big deal. Its more telling about them if someone gives you a hard time about it. I'm 28 and use it.
posted by SirOmega at 12:19 AM on March 17

There is a lot of spoken stigma against online dating, be it in the form of making fun of someone who's taking part in it or in the form of devaluing someone's online relationship. I wrote a media studies paper on this a couple of years ago now, and the studies I found at the time showed that online dating has the same success-failure rate, in general. It has some different negatives and positives, but that's about it. It is a severely misunderstood way of meeting someone, almost in the same way that it would have been strange a few generations ago to meet someone outside of your local community/church/what have you. However people talk about it, though, many use it as a means of meeting someone for friendship or romantic relationship.

I guess this just really shows how hypocritical many people are. Though many of both exes do online dating these days, there's still a lot of "Oh, he met her online..." and the like that makes it seem like only a few "strange" people do it. I'm not sure why this occurs. Fear of the unknown, perhaps; embarrassment for no reason is another possibility.

That being said, there is a higher success rate among those who begin dating, after "meeting" through non-dating-oriented sites. For instance, if you got to know a girl online through a forum about your favorite TV show, statistically, it's slightly more likely to go well and smoothly than if you had met her through an online dating site. (I am going by what would be old studies now, so maybe this has changed some, but it was the case a while ago.)

Personally, I think this reflects the offline world quite well. Few people meet their "soul mates" at quick dating events. Many people meet their marriage partners at functions that bring their similar interests together. The old chestnut of not looking for love, but finding it when you least expect it.

I can't recommend a dating service, as I haven't used one, but I would just recommend you use a pen name and only share your real identity with those you're truly interested in. You can still upload a photo (profiles with photos do better), so long as it's not tied to your name or other clearly identifiable information. Most employers would not find your having an online dating profile to be odd, however. I seem to remember reading once that people who are steadily employed are actually more likely to be on dating sites, presumably because they have little time to randomly mingle and, therefore, meet people.
posted by metalheart at 1:07 AM on March 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've been using The Onion personals. I can't claim that I've been succesful, but they seem to have plenty of college aged girls, and I've heard from girls on the site that there are plenty of college aged boys.

Stigma? You bet your ass. But it's the same stigma that comes with admiting your lonely at any time ever. The online girls won't think you're weird, and you don't need to tell anyone else.
posted by OrangeDrink at 1:16 AM on March 17

I'm basically of the opposite mindset of lblair. I was an extremely busy, studious college student who went to a very small school in a fairly big city. If you didn't date within the school, you basically didn't meet anyone to date, and that gets old. So I did the online dating thing and so did a lot of my friends, both male and female. (I used The Onion personals.) No one thought it was a big deal. Of course there were some people who just wanted to hook up, but the a lot of people were just looking, you know, to date and the beautiful thing about online dating is, you can say what you want right in the little form- minimal guesswork! You can also be choosy about how much information you reveal and how much your picture shows, so I wouldn't be too worried about people finding you if you don't want to be found. It's not like these things turn up on Google and usually you have to have a profile to see profiles- mutually assured destruction in the unlikely event that someone hassles you about it.

Take my opinion with a grain of salt though because I'm totally biased. I'm a relatively normal gal (who's not totally unfortunate looking), who went on one internet date with a relatively normal guy (who also didn't look too shabby) when I was 19, and 7 years later we got married (not that that was any kind of goal from the start, but it happened).

Although it might be worth mentioning that I was highly skeptical at the start. So much so that I called him a likely rapist and an axe-murder several times during the evening. Fortunately, this came off as a charming, neurotic quirk. YMMV.
posted by Thin Lizzy at 1:36 AM on March 17

Yeah. OKCupid to Nth degree. (Oh OKcupid, I remember when you were just a little set of personality quizzes on theSpark). I've tried quite a few other online dating sites and nothing comes even close. Even the pay ones (I'm looking at you eharmony) don't cut the proverbial mustard.

As for the stigma... yes there is still one attached, but that's other people's problem, not yours. The people who you meet on the site aren't going to think you're weird, since they're presumably on there looking for dates too. Take it from me, I have met my last three serious girlfriends on that one site (a total of five years worth of relationships) and when people ask where me met I say "online". Some people look at me like I just grew a second head and a fourth nipple (don't ask), but that's really their problem. I meet way more funny and intelligent people online in general and on OKCupid specifically than I do at any bar. (Hotter too).

That being said, college was the only time in my life when I was meeting more people in meatspace than on the internet. I think that's a result of just meeting more people during the day. You walk back and forth to your classes, go the cafeteria, read in the library and watch tv in the dorm common rooms. If I were you I'd be pursuing both avenues to meet girls (and new friends too, those are important). If you're not already doing it, you should try striking up a conversation with a cute girl in a boring lecture, it'll make you seem that much more interesting.

(Hmm... is there a DateFilter yet?)
posted by runcibleshaw at 1:49 AM on March 17

That should be "... where WE met..."
posted by runcibleshaw at 1:51 AM on March 17

I'm a 22 year old male college student living in the San Francisco area, and have been using OKCupid for over a year now. I've had the chance to meet up with a pretty decent number of girls. One of my closest friends I have now I met on a date, and one date turned into a pretty great relationship before she transferred schools across the country.

I'd say it's really not a big deal. All my close friends know, my brother knows, and even friends I don't consider 'close' know. After this much time, I'm comfortable bringing it up in normal conversation. I went through the same worries when I started, but if you're honest about it you'll be surprised how socially acceptable it is these days.
posted by meowN at 1:59 AM on March 17

there is a higher success rate among those who begin dating, after "meeting" through non-dating-oriented sites. For instance, if you got to know a girl online through a forum about your favorite TV show, statistically, it's slightly more likely to go well and smoothly than if you had met her through an online dating site.

But by "success rate," you just mean for a given two people who meet, right? That's not really relevant. You need to multiply the success rate by the number of people you'll go on a date with in the first place. If the success rate is 10% for websites and 15% for in-person, but you can go out with a new person each week using a website, which is better?

To get to the basic question: forget whether it's "socially acceptable." What does that even mean? Accepted by whom? Are there some social-norm police who are going to be monitoring you? Do what you want. A 21-year-old guy going on a dating site to get a date is more normal than a 21-year-old guy going on AskMetafilter to get permission to have a social life.

You ask, "Will people ... find my profile and use it against me in some manner?" Aside from the fact that you can anonymize your info, how would this even work? What could someone do -- go around town telling everyone, "Hey, ____ is on an online dating site -- what a dork!"? Even if this happened (and the chances of that are nil), everyone would just respond, "Huh? So what? Why don't you mind your own business?" (Of course, you would have a pretty good retort: this person must have gone on the same dating site.)

But if you really want to know how common it is, it's easy. Go on OKCupid and search for 21-year-old males in your area. The site will show you the number of results this turns up. You can compare this to 21-year-old females or 31-year-old males or whatever. That's the way to find out, if you need to know for some reason.
posted by Jaltcoh at 4:44 AM on March 17

I'll put it this way - as a low/mid-20s guy looking for low/mid-20s girls, I've gone on a lot of dates via OKCupid. Mostly college students and recent grads. Okay, so there's a slight bias for some toward dating 'older' guys, but believe me, they're not all just seeing mid-late-20s guys. For that matter, a bunch of them are my friends, and I can tell you anecdotally that there are plenty of college-age guys on OKC and they're dating college-age girls.
posted by Tomorrowful at 6:10 AM on March 17

If you do try online dating, the big pitfall is knowing too much about the other person after the first date. Try to have a first date where you do something, rather than go out to dinner and upload your life story. Usually when people meet in real life, they are in the middle of something that provides context. Online dating can strip the context and everything becomes kind of awkward. Go to the zoo! Then you can talk about the animals instead of the Big Questions of Life.
posted by musofire at 6:51 AM on March 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yes. Just go for it. What do you have to lose?
posted by lunit at 7:15 AM on March 17

Yes, of course, try it.

I met my SO of 7 years on an online dating site (themakeoutclub.com--I don't think it exists anymore). If you think there's a social stigma around online dating now, you should have seen how things were back then. But it really doesn't matter--it's a great way to meet people you have things in common with. Back then, it was a nerdy rarity. These days, I know few people who haven't tried it. My friends seem to have had the most success with OKCupid and craigslist, though craigslist really varies by city.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:49 AM on March 17

I have a relationship-like arrangement with a woman who has given me permission to look down other avenues

I would encourage you to find a different way of describing this in your dating profile--"I'm in an open relationship" or "I'm not dating exclusively right now" might work?

And, presuming that you want to keep your current relationship and add a new one, or new ones, then OKCupid is definitely the way to go. Or the Nerve.com personals. Many of the other sites are focused on people looking for monogamous relationships, so you would be less likely to find receptive potential partners there.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:04 AM on March 17

Nthing OKCupid. And honestly, it's a lot more fun to date outside your school's student body anyway. It's an break from the bubble of campus life, and if things go badly, you're not spending the rest of the semester avoiding them in the student union.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:33 AM on March 17

I've never used an online dating site, but I don't see a problem with them, either.

Any awkwardness or embarrassment you might feel MUST be offset exactly by the fact that the OTHER person is there too, right?
posted by rokusan at 8:43 AM on March 17

I didn't think there were any people left under the age of 60 who actually think there's a stigma attached to online dating.

OKCupid gives me a headache, though. I find their question-answer filtering system to be ridiculous and unhelpful. YMMV.
posted by bingo at 9:36 AM on March 17

Another vote for what lblair said.

i'd feel better talking to you if you came up to me at Starbucks than if I met you on the internet. if nothing else, it would show me that you have confidence, which is hot. But then again there are people who probably feel the exact opposite as me on this issue,

Because you are asking this question on Metafilter, you are going to get more answers to your question that have that opposing sentiment.
posted by Zambrano at 10:08 AM on March 17

Because you are asking this question on Metafilter, you are going to get more answers to your question that have that opposing sentiment.

It's more because everyone who is college age uses and is comfortable with the internet by now.

Personally, either way is fine with me. The only guy I've ever met online and dated is my current boyfriend, but every other relationship was through more typical in-person avenues like school.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:25 AM on March 17

OKCupid and plentyoffish (to a lesser degree) seem to have the most young people; match.com and Yahoo will be less effective and skew older.

Also, this should be obvious, but: don't use your real name on dating sites. Sure, if you have a picture, someone who comes across it will know you, but so what? Staying out of the stalker google search is the most important thing for privacy.
posted by dagnyscott at 11:11 AM on March 17

Online dating is like kids and cellphones. It's getting to the point where people voicing objections are likely to be old fuddy-duddies out of touch with a cultural sea-change that has already passed the tipping point, and is becoming the new mainstream.

Online dating is just a part of the dating scene, not the be-all and end-all of dating, just like a cellphone is not the be-all and end-all of ways that people keep in touch with their friends. But removing the cellphone from a modern social life is potentially crippling. Same with online. A lot of people lead busy lives and don't get much chance to meet people otherwise.

If you have a professional reason to keep your marital (single) status private, then don't do it. But it doesn't sound like that is the case. An example of "professional reason" might be building yourself as a brand/image, where cultivating an air of exclusivity could be undermined by revealing that you want to meet people. Or where you need to keep your personal life out of view of immature or unstable clients, etc.
For regular people, it's not an issue if you're sensible.
posted by -harlequin- at 11:42 AM on March 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

But by "success rate," you just mean for a given two people who meet, right? That's not really relevant. You need to multiply the success rate by the number of people you'll go on a date with in the first place. If the success rate is 10% for websites and 15% for in-person, but you can go out with a new person each week using a website, which is better?

Actually, no. By "success rate," I'm referring to relationships that ended up being long-term. As I recall, the study defined that as a relationship lasting six months or longer, but it might have been a year or longer. I should have defined that. Anyway, it basically showed that, for those who were looking for some sort of lasting commitment, the results were about the same online as they were offline. I don't recall finding any study for short-term relationships or hook-ups, but then that'd be a very difficult study for researchers to do reliably, I think.

Something to add to my post is the importance of communication. If anything does come of online dating, it's important to be communicative before and after you meet, and to remember that meeting online means you need to communicate certain things about yourself that you wouldn't normally have to in the offline realm. I think it's important to meet in person with someone soon after you know you like them, if possible.

I agree with harlequin. This is just another way of meeting, another extension of dating. To use my analogy again, those who don't understand that are, today, (in my opinion) not much different from those who didn't understand meeting outside of certain places and with certain rules in other generations. To each his own.

From this post, though, it seems like this guy would benefit from online dating, as he could more narrowly pick out someone who could help him or would understand his reclusiveness and his working to change it. (And please no one bring up the old myth that people you meet online are all antisocial introverts offline--not true.) Also, being in university may be a great way to meet people (I'd just say it's a way to make many acquaintances, more oft than not.), but there's no filter for dickheads in either that realm or the online one. You can, however, move through them quicker, when communicating online...
posted by metalheart at 1:26 PM on March 17

Actually, no. By "success rate," I'm referring to relationships that ended up being long-term. As I recall, the study defined that as a relationship lasting six months or longer, but it might have been a year or longer.

But does that mean the likelihood of a relationship lasting six months or longer for a given two people who meet each other in the first place? If so, then my critique still stands: this leaves out the crucial variable of how many people you're going to meet in the first place.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:32 PM on March 17

Just a data point: I'm a grad student, and I met the woman I'm in a relationship via OKCupid about 6 months ago. We're still together and going strong -- she's sitting next to me reading a book as I type.
posted by Alterscape at 10:04 PM on March 17