No takebacks in online dating?

March 16, 2009 9:08 AM

[OnlineDatingFilter]: What to do when you've sent an intro email that you, after the fact (of course) realize is not some of your best, er, work? Ride it out and hope that maybe the recipient will see through the momentary lapse in reason or cleverness to the sparkling gem inside? Follow up with a mea culpa of sorts, in which you write what you really wanted to write initially but were trying to be too clever or pithy or whatever? Chalk it up to a learning experience and forget about it?

I've read all the posts about how to craft the perfect email, etc., but haven't found anything discussing what (if anything, let's be real) that you can do to address sender's remorse. I'm kinda new to the online dating scene in general, and have up until now not initiated any contact with anyone (I'm a woman, if that matters). This guy, however, is appealing -- and regardless if we actually ended up on a date, we've had some similar life experiences that would be fun/interesting to compare. Have I blown it? I emailed him on Saturday, and it's now Monday. Can I email him again and if so, when? What's your take, online MetaDaters?

posted by hapax_legomenon to human relations (26 comments total)

I think sending more than one intro e-mail might be overkill, and sending a second intro e-mail to apologize for the quality of the first intro e-mail is definitely overkill. You e-mailed him this weekend, and Monday has barely begun- some people don't check their e-mail over the weekend (crazies, all of them). Relax. Breathe. Whatever happens will happen.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:13 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think you're better off sending one imperfect email rather than appearing unhinged by sending multiple emails to a stranger prior to receiving any sort of response. Sure, there is the chance the guy will be flattered at the attention, but an equal possibility he'll be creeped out.
posted by The Gooch at 9:16 AM on March 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

Chalk it up to experience... besides there will be many, many more guys.
posted by kimdog at 9:22 AM on March 16

There are different kinds of people, and they will interpret your action different ways. Your action will mean different things depending on the kind of person you are.
posted by amtho at 9:23 AM on March 16

Not a good idea.

Instead, do this:

Have some faith in yourself and what you've written. Trust that what got you to write will carry the day. Why are you thinking that someone you took the time to trust with your e-mail will be the kind of person to denigrate it? Are you going to then go on a date and rescind everything as it happens? "He'll think my ordering the soup and salad is too mundane, maybe if I explain to him my reasoning I can order something more like me?"

Be kind to yourself and know that whatever you wrote came from a brave place, and that it will be recognized as such. If you can get to that, things will progress just fine.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 9:24 AM on March 16

Follow up with a mea culpa of sorts, in which you write what you really wanted to write initially
posted by watercarrier at 9:25 AM on March 16

It'd be useful if we could see the actual message you sent.

If it's actively offputting in some way (which I sort of doubt), then maybe it's worth doing some damage control by sending a second email. But don't be profusely apologetic -- at most, be very mildly self-effacing, and keep it short: "oh, one other thing I forgot to mention in my previous email because I was trying too hard to be pithy and clever..." (Your adjectives.)

But if your email was OK and you're just thinking you could have done more with it, this might not actually be the problem you're thinking it is. The more experience I got with online dating, the more I tended to send really short emails, just a clever line or two. Why? Because there's no way an out-of-the-blue message to a stranger can really be an authentic communication; what you're really doing is saying, "I'd like you to know that I find you interesting enough to want to talk to, so please look at my profile and write back if you're interested too." The content of the email is secondary.

In general, it's best to not apologize, go with the flow, and hope the person reacts well. Have a bit of faith that things will work out the way they're supposed to -- and even if they don't, there's always someone else. But I don't think it's a horrible violation of etiquette to send a brief follow-up before you're gotten an initial reply.

One more thought: if you're on a website that lets you IM the person, it'd certainly be appropriate to initiate an IM to break the ice. There's less pressure on an IM to be this one brilliant message that perfectly expresses what you're all about.
posted by jejune at 9:26 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Writing again will almost always create a worse impression than whatever it is you think you did the first time.
posted by grouse at 9:28 AM on March 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Have you seen that part in the movie Swingers where Vince Vaughan gets the girl's number at the bar and then leaves multiple rambling messages on her answering machine until she finally picks up and tells him not to call her ever again?

Don't send another message. Also stay away from IMs.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:31 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think you should post the message so we can all point and laugh give you better advice.
posted by delmoi at 9:44 AM on March 16

Jon Favreau.
posted by laumry at 9:44 AM on March 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

I agree with the others who said that sending another mail would be a bad idea. Unless the message you sent him was completely insane, he'll probably give you the benefit of the doubt if he likes your profile and is interested in getting to know you.

Also, it sounds like you're taking online dating in general way too seriously. It's easy to see someone's profile on one of those sites and build them up in your head so much that the thought of them rejecting you is unbearable. Don't do that. Instead, think of it as an interesting way to meet people, and let things progress without too many expectations.

If someone doesn't reply to your message, or seems great in their profile but can't hold a conversation, or reveals some sort of relationship-potential-ruining deal-breaker after you meet for the first time, who cares? These are just random people on the Internet, so if something doesn't work out with one or two or a dozen of them, there will always be more random people on the Internet to try your luck with.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:54 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

The thing about online dating is that you can give off the scent of desperation so easily. Sending another message will do this. So don't do it.
posted by meerkatty at 9:56 AM on March 16

There are no do-overs in online dating. Keep moving.
posted by gnutron at 9:58 AM on March 16

There is no way to tell if the person would have contacted you even if you had written the perfect note. You obviously looked at his profile and saw an exciting potential match. He might have looked at yours and not seen the same thing - not because of you, but because he has different relationship desires, or because you reminded him of someone in his life he didn't like. So if he doesn't answer, then move on. You have no control over who writes you back and why, and not getting an answer says nothing bad about you. They don't even know you, so how could it?
posted by procrastination at 9:58 AM on March 16

In my experience, online dating eventually makes people more jaded by the whole process. In other words, you may well long for the day you cared enough to consider a do-over. For now, realize that people who date online may be entertaining other suitors and a little mistake will likely be overlooked.
posted by cranberrymonger at 10:06 AM on March 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, don't email him again. Odds are if you found one guy who's interesting, you'll find other compatible people while looking online too (chill, babe). You'll get better at the email writing with some practice. I recommend you message a few other guys who don't seem half bad, and just practice that way - be who you want to be, see what works for you.

In your future messages and on your profile page, remember less is more - just one or two bits of baiting info is probably all you need as to why you two (you and your recipient) would click. You're trying to capture a guy's interest, not generate a whole relationship vignette from one email ;)
posted by lizbunny at 10:15 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Jon Favreau.

Yeah, that's the ticket.
posted by ludwig_van at 10:39 AM on March 16

I'm with everyone saying that you shouldn't send a follow-up. It's a little try-hard, and you're better off focusing on the other fish, I say.

However, anecdotally, the ultimate reason I am dating my current fella is because he sent a follow-up email... several weeks after a faltered message exchange. I had changed my profile, and he sent me a brief, pithy remark on one of the new details I'd included. This mainly worked because the first round of messages (him-me-him) only dropped off on my end because I got a little disenchanted with OKC in general, not with him in particular -- and because I'm terrible with keeping up correspondence. He didn't apologize for putting me off, or ask what'd happened, so I didn't feel like I had to reassure him -- and in doing so, promise more than I was sure I was interested in committing to.

I think that's the key. The other person doesn't want to have to tell you you're doing it right, they just want it to be right. It'll be right with someone you stumble across one of these days, but perhaps not this guy. Keep at it.
posted by dorothy humbird at 10:52 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

The more experience I got with online dating, the more I tended to send really short emails, just a clever line or two.

This. I have sent out a lot of initial emails, and gotten very, very, very few responses -- I gave up trying to figure out why and I gave up taking it personally, and now I just say "bummer" and move on. I also don't try quite so hard in the emails.

It can be a bit of a bummer if you know that they checked your profile out and then didn't respond, but...feh. If you have that much emotionally invested in this, maybe it's a sign you're not quite as ready for dating as you thought, or that online dating may not be the route that works best for you.

Or you're on a sucky site. (I was on Match.com for a while last year and met almost no one -- but have recently switched to OKCupid and am having much better luck.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:03 AM on March 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Counterpoint:

I was so nervous when replying to a date classified(phone not internet though) that I messed it up and called back to correct only to mess up again and then call back and finally get it right, only to realize that I had forgotten to leave my phone number. Four, count'em, FOUR phonecalls, just to leave a rambling message in which I was completely sure I sounded like a complete fool.

She was that it was cute and charming, as did her female friends who were helping her screen calls, to the point where they all demanded to meet me when we first went out. I've been told was something in the way I did those repeated calls that sounded honest and sincere, though damned I still don't know what it was.

We known each other for 12 years, married for 6. Or is it 7? must check before August...
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:08 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

People pick up, ignore, and leave off contact a lot more readily in my experience of online dating. This is counter-balanced by the great opportunity to meet a lot more people. I think the sooner you get used to letting go and not over-correcting, the better. One introductory email is enough. Good luck! Have fun!
posted by juliplease at 11:28 AM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Thanks everyone. You've confirmed (with a couple of exceptions, notably, Brandon Blatcher - way to go, happy for you!) what I suspected (and would also have said, had someone asked the question of me) -- which is: seems too desperate. And, I'm not desperate.

Not yet, anyway... ;)
posted by hapax_legomenon at 11:48 AM on March 16

(1) You are a woman contacting a man. This is already a point in your favor.

(2) To grossly generalize, a man will choose to reply based on the following thing(s): (a) your picture, and--in some cases--(b) whether your message sounds coherent. A few will care about more specific things, but most people know that an online dating service is at best a screening system and are more interested in making/taking a first impression from face-to-face meetings.

You're probably fine. Don't follow up. My only memorable experience receiving multiple messages was getting one from a guy I didn't find interesting and then getting another message (allegedly, but possibly) from the guy's friend saying he didn't talk himself up well enough and is really a great guy, please give him a chance. I was no more inclined to follow up.
posted by kittyprecious at 11:49 AM on March 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

I've ignored some odd intro messages for no particular reason before-- but if a woman followed it with "Man I was smoking some heavy doobies when I wrote before, sorry it was so weird! I still think we should hang out sometime though..." I might think it was charming and respond.

Everyone is right that you shouldn't stress out about one guy and that the advantage of online dating is to shop around. But the other advantage is that you can do stuff you wouldn't normally do because of the freedom of the relative anonymity. So if you feel like it, go for it. Just do it with a sense of fun rather than out of fear of losing this opportunity. There are a million dudes just like that one on the internet...send some of them messages too.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:07 PM on March 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think you're over thinking the message. I stopped doing online dating, but when I was I realized what worked best was a super short message, something funny or witty pertaining to his/her profile and a question to get the ball rolling. [I had about a 50% response rate give or take]

I found that your profile and your pictures is what's going to sell the other person. The message for me was just a nudge, "hey I think you're cute and would like to flirt some. how do you feel about that?". If a girl had sent me a kind of strange message but seemed really cute and sounded great based on her profile, I'd definitely respond. This is just in my experience though, people seem to have varying positions on things inside the online dating world.
posted by mattsweaters at 12:12 PM on March 16