Putting on the brakes

March 14, 2009 8:13 PM

The SO and I are splitting up amicably after four years of living together. I have a friend I've known for about about a year and the sparks are flying. How do I discuss my need for alone time without making him think I'm not interested?

I'm a hetero female, late 30s. I've been in two long-term serious relationships since age 28. There was about a year between them, but I did date several people in that interim. My entire adult life, I've never been able to stay out of a relationship or a crush even when I wanted to. As far as society's ideal of attractiveness goes, I'm considered extremely attractive and look really young, and that's part of the problem because I never have to look for a relationship. There are always interested guys around. I try not to play it up and I don't act seductive; in fact I'm pretty shy when it comes to flirting.

With the relationship that went from age 28-33, when we met I really wanted to work on myself and be single after one relationship/crush after another in my 20s. However, the guy was a friend of mine that I really felt a connection with. I had known him for about three weeks when he said he couldn't be "just friends" with me. Looking back, I can see he was very manipulative. I felt sorry for him because he said he was so lonely. Also, I thought a connection like what we had was very rare and I didn't want to miss out on the chance to explore it, so against my better judgment I began a relationship with him and it got serious really fast. It lasted for five increasingly unpleasant years because I didn't give it time to get to know him well first.

The relationship that went from age 34-38 and is just ending (Guy B) also moved from zero to sixty. Both times, I ended up feeling smothered and that these men were very needy, and I ended both relationships. Luckily, my current STBXSO (Guy A) is emotionally healthy enough to see that he was being too needy, and he wants to become independent and our breakup has become mutual, for that and because of some other fundamental incompatibilities.

Now, this friend of mine seems very independent and self-reliant in a lot of ways, which I really like about him. There's a big attraction and I get the vibe that this could end up being a pretty serious relationship too. But I just can't see doing this again right away. It's not that I'm heartbroken. My STBX and I have felt disconnected for a while, and I've already done a lot of grieving and processing. I'm feeling relieved and excited to be getting out on my own again, and really glad that he's dealing with it so well. I was very afraid of hurting him. I really just need some breathing room to enjoy my own company and process where I'm going in life.

I like this guy a lot, though. My heart again is telling me to go for it because this type of connection is very rare. (And that this time it will be different because I've known him for so long as a friend already, and still feel that our compatibility is really unusual). However, my head is telling me that my heart is involved in an unhealthy pattern and that I really need some space before getting involved again.

I'm not a "dater." I am fairly introverted and find such fake social situations extremely awkward, so I'm really not interested in going out with a bunch of different people just to play the field and make sure I don't get serious with anyone.

I'd like to stay friends with the guy I am interested in for a while, until I feel ready to share my life again (and I have no idea how long that will be). But here's the problem: from what I understand, most people will take "I just got out of a relationship and I'm not ready" as an excuse that the person's not interested...but I am.

My friends are encouraging me to "go for it" with this guy. Everyone I know seems to jump right from one relationship into another. It seems like people think that's normal these days.

I look online, and read things about how if it's the right person, timing shouldn't be an issue. The AskMen site is full of advice for guys saying if a woman wants to wait or be friends first, it means she's not interested. All over the Internet, guys bemoan how horrible it is to be platonic with a woman they're interested in. I think these sites really give men the wrong idea about what goes on in a woman's head when she's trying NOT to be a relationship junkie.

I really want to (eventually) explore what my friend and I could have together as more than friends and I do want him to know I'm interested in him. However, I've got to protect myself from another smothering relationship. I haven't told him about the breakup yet, but I'm sure it will come up next time we hang out, which we do every two or three weeks. I expect this will occur in a day or two.

Another problem is that my friend's level of attractiveness in the eyes of society isn't nearly as high as mine and he has indicated that he thinks I am "out of his league." I don't go by "leagues," though, just compatibility. I haven't told him I think he's hot or anything because I've been in a relationship and I thought it would be inappropriate. I've been a really supportive friend to him but I have kept my romantic feelings to myself, at least verbally. Body language may be a different story. But still, from things he's said, he feels unattractive and thinks that I am very attractive. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that this fact won't make him needy.

He's never acted inappropriately toward me and has always respected the fact that I've been with someone. Yet I can still tell he's interested from his body language and warmth toward me. He does not call or email excessively, yet I read his interest level as high.

My crush on him has definitely been one of many things that showed me I was not meant to be with the person I'm breaking up with. However, I processed all this with a counselor for months and I am not leaving Guy A to be with Guy B. I need to leave Guy A regardless.

Anyone experienced anything like this? If so, how did you handle it? If you were Guy B, what would you like to hear that would reassure you that I am interested, but still keep my need for space/solitude intact?

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 comments total)

Guys are pretty simple, just tell him what you wrote here and explain that you want to some single time before hopping into a new relationship. If he can't wait, then he's being like your past boyfriends, and who wants that?
posted by delmoi at 8:19 PM on March 14

Yes, I agree with delmoi. Men are much more simple than you think. This guy respects you and maybe is a little in awe of you. You need to initiate a different type of relationship by telling him what you wrote here (a condensed version :-) but honest and thorough) ---don't let this one get away!
posted by ragtimepiano at 8:38 PM on March 14

Yes, I agree. Tell him exactly that - I really like you and I need some time to be alone, until I can be ready for another relationship. He's your friend, and he's interested in you. I'm sure if you share how you feel about taking some time off, and getting back in touch with yourself, for the purpose of being ready for a much better relationship in the future, he'll be supportive and probably stick around...

I suspect the problem isn't telling him, but convincing yourself how to or what to say, or if you really want to do it.

This isn't a now or never opportunity, this is a great friendship and potential relationship. Things happen in their own time, in the right moment. Take care of yourself, and continue being a good friend to this person, and things will take care of themselves.
posted by Locochona at 8:42 PM on March 14

I'm going to say either go for it now or don't stay too close to your crush/friend. There's a lot he would be very wise to be cautious about regarding a potential relationship with you. First, the odds other guys will be hitting on you/your crush fades naturally with time are high. Your human. What happens if he waits around and suddenly someone else enters your picture. His raised and dashed hopes would be very hard for you.

And think about the seductive aspects to the situation for you that you may be not thinking about--if you declare your love but ask him to wait you've suddenly put yourself in a place of security--loved, but no need to really return love or get into any of the messy stuff called being in a relationship. Finally, you will likely to be able to keep him not focused on potential women who might be able to offer him the whole enchilada now.

In short: the classic rebound.

Remember: his own ability to see these disasters approach will be likely blinded as a you appear to offer something that he wants. Those pesky warning systems seem to break down.

Don't go for the freebie that this plan presents. If you truly are interested, just learn more about this guy and see if he's who you want. Or go for it right now, so as to not set up such an inequitable power structure where he waits around for you.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:02 PM on March 14 [2 favorites has favorites]

First of all, NEVER go to AskMen.com again. EVER. You will not get advice that is good for you there.

Second, you say that the connection you have with this guy is very rare. I'm sure it feels special, but with this current guy, this is already the third time you've had this "rare" connection. And if you've never dated, and you've been in serious relationships for the past ten years, you don't really know what other kinds of connections are out there. I'm not discouraging the connection you feel now with this current guy, but beware of talking yourself into something. Are you sure you aren't just afraid of being alone?

It sounds like you're getting a lot of bad advice. "From what you understand" guys will think this, that, and the other. Guys will pretty much take whatever you say at face value. They are not over-analyzing and stuff like we are (unless they are women-fearing douchebags reading AskMen.com).

Your friends tell you to "go for it." Do you admire the type of relationships these friends have? If your friends have been doing the same serial-monogamy thing that you've been doing, they have a vested interest in getting other people to do the same thing because it validates their lifestyle choices. They might not be looking out for your best interests if their best advice is "go for it."

With this new guy, your breakup will come up in conversation. "Yeah, we broke up." Leave it at that. It is NORMAL to want some time/space after ending a long-term relationship. And even if it weren't, you should do whatever you need to do, and this guy should be more than willing to give you whatever time and space you need. If not, if he at all tries to get you to change your mind about what makes you comfortable or acts like he is entitled to something from you, RUN. He is manipulative, and maybe has been waiting around for your relationship to end to take advantage of you.

Hang out with this guy as friends for a while, and let him woo you a little. Just because you've been friends doesn't mean you should hop into something serious. If he brings up a relationship before you feel ready, say "Sorry, I don't feel ready for another relationship yet." He'll take you at your word (keyword: yet) and will wait.
posted by thebazilist at 9:15 PM on March 14

And it's not necessary to go into "Well I do like you a lot and feel this connection...." If he asks whether you like him, just say that you're not sure, you just got out of this other relationship and your feelings are so confused, etc. It would be pretty presumptuous of him to assume that you've been harboring feelings for him while you've been in this other relationship.
posted by thebazilist at 9:19 PM on March 14

Pick a minimum amount of time you're going to stay consciously single. 3 months, 6 months, a year. When you tell your friend about the break up make note of this. If he's really interested he'll likely wait it out. I don't think you can reasonably out front ask him to wait for you unless you're set on a pretty limited amount of time and you're 100% certain you want to pursue it with him when the time is up. Part of making a decision to be single anyway (as opposed to just going with the prevailing currents) is not having anything lined up, anything to fall back on or look definitely forward to. Of course if you keep hanging out with new guy and you're both interested you will probably just end up dating regardless, since there are no real impediments. But it will have been a noble effort!
posted by nanojath at 9:20 PM on March 14

Previously.

Be direct. Tell him you really like him, but you're just getting out of this relationship and need some time to be you again, to just breathe, and to regroup first.
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:38 PM on March 14

Guys?

Simple.

Really, really simple.

You: "Guy B... I think you're hot, and that we're compatible. I need 1 month/2 months/ N months to process. Let's not talk at all about romance for [INSERT TIME], and then revisit the topic at the end of [INSERT TIME]."
posted by darth_tedious at 9:39 PM on March 14 [1 favorite has favorites]

Btw, the [INSERT TIME] variable should be as precise as possible, even if you have to pick the number out of a hat.

Don't say, "I need time." Say, "I need two months." If it turns out you need more than that, then at the end of two months, just say "I need another two months." If it turns out you need less time than the period you initially specified, he'll be overjoyed.
posted by darth_tedious at 9:43 PM on March 14

If you were Guy B, what would you like to hear that would reassure you that I am interested, but still keep my need for space/solitude intact?

It's not important what Guy B thinks or feels. You've decided you need some alone time to sort yourself out. Getting worried over whether he'll be available defeats that point. He may be great, but that's not your focus right now and yes, you have realize that you may not have a relationship with him. That's ok.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:09 PM on March 14

I have to agree with Ironmouth here (and upon preview Brandon)...if you are sure he is interested it is really not fair to even hint that you have feelings other than purely platonic ones until you are ready to do something about them.

The fact is you have absolutely no idea if you will want to date him once you are 2/4/6 months out of your current relationship, and it's actually more likely that you won't want to once you are comfortable being on your own..

It is fine to protect yourself from another smothering relationship but it's unkind to do it at his expense.

It seems like you care about this guy so be friends ..but if you are his friend don't set him up to get hurt.
posted by Weaslegirl at 1:28 AM on March 15

You seem to be bemoaning the fact that you can't be single, then justifying why you can't be single NOW due to this special guy (although you have no trouble attracting men, plenty of fish in the sea, etc.).

Classic rebound, as Ironmouth said. Stringing guy B along further is selfish and emotionally needy, which is what you want to avoid, right?
posted by benzenedream at 2:12 AM on March 15

Were he a good-looking guy in his early twenties, honest talk might be received without translation. This guy, in this stage of his life? Not a chance.

You have pointed out that Guy B has a "level of attractiveness in the eyes of society [which] isn't nearly as high" as you feel. He probably has not heard a woman say to him, "You are not attractive enough for me to date." Chances are, what Guy B has heard was a great deal of talk (excuses) about him being a great guy ... but there just isn't a good fit due to [makes something up.] You're a great guy ... but I'd like a little space for the time being. You're a great guy ... but I'm not in that place right now. These are all well-meaning white lies, but the end result is that he's gotten the hint: these phrases do not mean to him what they might mean to the naive. These phrases mean "I would like to spare your feelings, but I will not be dating you."

Were I Guy B, what would I like to hear? Nothing. If he's near your age, he has probably heard for two decades what a great guy he is, but ... Teenage boys who have had one or two relationships are comparatively simple versus a guy who is twenty years older and is not conventionally handsome, and has been around the block a few times. Whether or not you mean it, if you tell him you need some space right now, he'll perceive that he is getting the same old brushoff because he's heard similar phrases many times before. Words are not reassuring because the words of reassurance have been misused over and over. Such are the personal consequences of societal doublespeak. Welcome to operant conditioning.

Now, if you do decide to do this, which is stringing him along for N number of months (and maybe a teensy, calculating part of you is aware that he probably will not be snatched up in the interim, so he's a safe bet), you'll have to do more than use words if you want him to fully believe you.

So kiss him. After all of the talking happens, no matter how eloquent or heart-felt it may be, add "... and so you know this isn't some fluffy white lies designed to spare your feelings ..." and plant one on him. Not a polite kiss, or that cheek-kiss he's probably gotten at the end of a few quasi-dates. Hit him with the full-on lusty, passionate bodyleaning kiss that shows you have a deep attraction to him that isn't just "what-a-neat-guy-shame-about-the-face." Ask him to keep that in his hip pocket for a few months, if he can wait.

Whether or not this is personally wise or fair to Guy B is an exercise left up to the reader.
posted by adipocere at 4:47 AM on March 15 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think a lot of the above advice is going way down the wrong track if what you want is to learn how to be single. I'm one of those "usually single" people, and I would never think about it the way you seem to be.

I really just need some breathing room to enjoy my own company and process where I'm going in life.

If this is true, you can't have Guy B waiting in the wings. You can't have a safety net. You're not going to learn to fly unless you actually jump out of the nest.

Set aside a period of time to be single — in your dating life and in your head. I would say at least 6 months. If I were you, I would probably set aside a year to really clear my head.

Don't worry about Guy B. Honestly, skip all that stuff. The question of whether or not you'll date him is irrelevant this year. Be his friend, don't lead him on. Consider limiting your interaction with him, not to avoid giving him the wrong idea, but to avoid distracting yourself. You know you tend to jump right back in, so limit the temptation. You've always had lots of guys lining up to date you, and they'll still be there next year. Lots of fish in the sea, etc., so go explore the desert and come back to the ocean later.

So, what to do with this long date-free year? Expand your friendships. Take a course. Discover new hobbies. Explore new things with your therapist. See what you end up interested in without a boyfriend to influence you. Read. Work out. Travel. Become a tourist in your hometown. Journal. Volunteer. Try a whole bunch of new things.

Be your own safety net. You're stronger than you know.
posted by heatherann at 7:16 AM on March 15 [6 favorites has favorites]

I agree with nanojath, heatherann, and brandon blatcher here. And thebazilist: It is NORMAL to want some time/space after ending a long-term relationship. I agree that you should set a time for yourself to wait and tell him you broke up and that you're really looking forward to being single for a long time because you haven't really been single for over a decade.

And then leave it at that. Putting all this thought into him still feeling interested and him knowing you're interested in him ... it feels like part of the pattern that you're trying to quit. Your concern about his insecurity and body image could be part of how you end up with people you find insecure and clingy. So, set aside all the thoughts about your own feelings for him, and leave his reaction up to fate. If he's the kind of guy who says "oh god, she's out of my league, things'll never work, I'm throwing up my hands!" that's his own business. There are a lot of other thoughts and reactions he could have. ("Oh, wow, what a strong and independent decision, now I really hope we get together in a year.") And then you'll get the no-strings-attached freedom that you're really wanting.
posted by salvia at 10:11 AM on March 15

One thing I have to add to the great answers by heatherann, brandon, et al., is that if you tell him that you want to discover single life for awhile, it's important for his sanity that you do just that. Don't go jumping into dating life right away, really really be single for awhile. It can be refreshing.
posted by Night_owl at 11:14 AM on March 15

You like some important things about the guy, and he's attracted to you. But you don't know him all that well. There's no way to know right now whether you and he should be together.

You need to get used to putting your own needs first, and it's not easy. Any guy worth being with will respect that, but you have to be the one to figure out what's best for you, make it known, and stand firm. Practice it at every opportunity -- there could be a lot of ways that you're putting your own preferences and needs aside for people in your life. When someone suggests something or asks for a favor, how often do you actually say, "It would be better for me if...?"

Make friends with this guy; real friends, not "just friends." Try confiding that you want to make some new habits. An excellent new habit would be to talk about what someone else is feeling and thinking, instead of guessing or assuming. It's the other side of the "put yourself first" coin.
posted by wryly at 1:53 PM on March 15

tell him you are interested, but you need some alone time?
posted by edtut at 2:15 AM on March 16