When worlds collide

March 14, 2009 7:05 PM

How do I deal with a coworker who hangs out with a close friend of mine that I introduced and cuts me out of their meetings?

So my coworker is new in town. Let's call her X. I've invited X to a bunch of outings with my friends--this includes drinks at local watering holes, dinner parties, and even to yoga classes. When I meet someone who is new in town, I always like to make them feel as welcome as possible, because I remember when I first moved to Washington, DC, and how hard it was to meet people.

A couple of months later, another friend of mine moved into town (let's call her Y), and I did the same thing. We went out for drinks at local watering holes, dinner parties, etc, etc, etc, and I finally introduced her to X. Last week, when I asked Y out, she said that she was unable to make it because she was going to go out with X.

I felt puzzled and hurt that X had made these plans with Y without including me. I thought that by telling Y how I felt about this, I would understand the situation. However, I became more confused when Y said that she wasn't doing anything wrong by accepting X's invitation.

Am I being irrational for feeling rejected? I feel like X is invading my privacy by making plans with Y.

This is my first posting--sorry if it sounds kind of confusing.

posted by eskers to human relations (22 comments total)

No, you would not be irrational for feeling a little bit left out but you are being irrational for feeling "rejected" and like "X is invading my privacy." People have the right to be friends and do things without you. Why else did you introduce them?
posted by footnote at 7:10 PM on March 14 [1 favorite]

she wasn't doing anything wrong by accepting X's invitation

This is entirely true. Adults have friendships with other adults, and friendships start in all different ways. The friendship started between X & Y because you introduced them, and that's the end of the story. You don't get to dictate how this friendship progresses. In fact, isn't this exactly what you were trying to do for both of these people in the first place? Help them make friends? Your attitude makes you seem a bit immature.
posted by kimdog at 7:12 PM on March 14 [1 favorite]

I can understand how you would feel rejected since X and Y seem to have left you out of the equation when you included both of them in the past. However, I think you should step back and find out if it is just this one time that they'd like to go out on their own. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. X and Y are adults and have every right to go out if they want to. The problem is going to be if both decide to cut you out of their lives. Then obviously they aren't great people and it's a shame you've wasted time on them in the past. I think you have overreacted with the feelings that X has invaded your privacy. Basically, it seems like you have a good set of friends you go out with and I think you're going to be fine.
posted by snugglebunny at 7:14 PM on March 14 [1 favorite]

Are you male? If so, could have been a ladies'-night-out type of event.

Y might want to get to know X individually... seems reasonable to me. One could be interested in the other romantically. Maybe Y didn't think you'd enjoy that particular activity.

If you are really bothered, you could say to Y, "Oh, I heard that you and X went out last week." You might or might not get an explanation for why you weren't invited.
posted by ecsh at 7:17 PM on March 14

How do I deal with a coworker who hangs out with a close friend of mine that I introduced and cuts me out of their meetings?

Be a nice person with whom they would want to hang out.

People become friends for all kinds of reasons. Maybe they have a common interest that they know you don't share. Maybe their personalities just click better. If I end up being closer to a friend's friend than the first friend, I try to include the first friend once in a while at casual dinners, but still hang out in other ways with the new friend. If the first friend starts whining about us hanging out with him/her, I'd probably avoid seeing them altogether.
posted by bread-eater at 7:20 PM on March 14 [1 favorite]

I lost a good friend in high school because of this. I was the X in the situation. As already mentioned, you cannot and should not dictate their interactions.
posted by odinsdream at 7:25 PM on March 14

Last week, when I asked Y out, she said that she was unable to make it because she was going to go out with X.

So this has only happened once? That's not a pattern of leaving you out. People can have prior engagements without meaning it as a slight to you at all. And, if Y had dropped her previously made plans with X to hang out with you, she would have been behaving pretty inconsiderately to X, yes? Being friends with one person doesn't mean you never get to spend any one-on-one time with anyone else. Don't worry about it.

I feel like X is invading my privacy by making plans with Y.

Could you explain what you mean by this? It doesn't make much sense to me. Do you feel like you have some prior claims to Y because you knew her first? Because that is irrational.
posted by frobozz at 7:31 PM on March 14

A small moment or twinge of rejection is natural. Sustaining this or making a big deal out of it is not. I have been in this situation as X. I and Y had to spend a long time avoiding original friend and lying about seeing each other because she made a big deal about it. (And neither of us really see her anymore.) It was ridiculous - don't be this person.
posted by meerkatty at 7:31 PM on March 14 [3 favorites]

I can understand that you feel left out in this situation, but there's really no logical reason you should. You don't own their friendship because you introduced them, you just happen to be the reason these people met.
posted by Simon Barclay at 7:34 PM on March 14

Agree with everyone. It's normal to feel a little twinge of left-outness, but this is a wonderful outcome for them - you helped them get to know the city, introduced them to a few people, and yay! They found a friend they're interested in getting to know better. It's a complete success, and you're the connector. Some people excel at this role in life. If you can learn to let people be free to follow their own paths without too much bitterness, you could really become the kind of person who ends up surrounded by a large, warm community that you've influenced to come together. Who knows what things might come about because you've made it possible for so many people to meet - not just friendships, but new business ventures, marriages, organizations, travels...if you're this kind of person, try focusing on the large community network you're building, not just the single friendships that aren't proceeding the way you maybe wished. Take pleasure that they're finding themselves at home and getting to know people.

Enjoy your life. Sounds like you know a lot of people and you're generous and outgoing. Don't focus on the feelings of being left out. Stay in touch with both friends and plan to do something with each of them soon. It's really hard not to want to control everything people do around you, and wish you had different relationships with them than you do, but honestly? That way lies misery. Better to learn to accept that not all the time will we be the one others select for a primary friendship, and still enjoy the great things their friendship has to offer.
posted by Miko at 7:41 PM on March 14 [1 favorite]

This just happened to me this weekend, and I first felt that small twinge--and then I felt really relieved. I introduced these two because I thought they'd hit it off, so therefore the three of us would have fun. Turns out they're hanging out this upcoming week without me. They're going to do something that both of them enjoy but I'm not crazy about, so yay! Now they won't call me to go do this thing I'm not crazy about, but they each have someone new to enjoy it with!

As long as they both don't cut me out of their lives, I don't feel any lingering resentment about it. And if they did do that...well, I have enough friends that I could survive the hurt and disappointment that would result. But a lot of my friends hang out without me, whether or not I introduced them, so why would this bother me more than that?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:51 PM on March 14

I really mostly enjoy hanging out with people one-on-one. This has led to some confusing and hurtful situations like the one you're in, so I greatly sympathize. Can't you just be happy that these two new-in-town people are both enjoying the company of a new friend, and that they have you to thank for it?
posted by hermitosis at 8:04 PM on March 14

It's a little bit odder if it hasn't been that long since Y moved to town or if the three of you haven't been out together very many times, but it's not reasonable to call this being cut out, rejected or invasive of privacy (that one doesn't really make any kind of sense). Feelings are feelings, you can only do so much about them, but this seems to me like the kind of thing that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're friend is right, she didn't do anything wrong. Neither did X. You have to remember their social sphere has been very limited compared to yours, why wouldn't they be eager to develop independent friendships? If your goal truly has been to help your friends to get past "how hard it was to meet people" where you live then you did very well.
posted by nanojath at 8:15 PM on March 14

Is the privacy issue about the fact that X is your coworker and Y is a non-work friend, and you prefer to keep those worlds separate? That's certainly a reasonable desire, but it makes taking new coworkers around to a host of non-work events a dicey proposition.

I do believe you're doing these things out of generosity and genuine concern for others' happiness, but there's also an element of control to playing the knowledgeable expert for a newbie, and you might want to think about whether having control is something you value in a relationship. Hurt feelings about X and Y's spending time without you might be a manifestation of losing some of that control.
posted by donnagirl at 8:41 PM on March 14

This kind of happened to me two weeks ago, a bizzare friendship triangle where I felt left out... I recognized my feelings were pretty wierd, and that I was jealous, and later on I talked with the girl who is my closer friend.

I just told her that her friendship was really important to me, and that I felt weird about what happened, but at the same time I understood and I didn't mean to be overreacting.

She seemed cool with it.

Since then I feel normal again.

I don't think your feelings are irrational, but yes, you have to just deal with the weird feeling and carry on, and keep being a good friend you have been to both.
posted by Locochona at 9:39 PM on March 14

This happened to me with my cousin - he's my cousin but his girlfriend and I are best friends. Not that I don't like him but I get on exeptionally well with her. He teases me about liking her more but I think he's generally cool with it.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:23 AM on March 15

Yes, you're being irrational. That's okay. Most human emotions are irrational. Just don't let it get out of hand.

If they're doing amateur bird-watching and you loathe the feathery, brainless disease-reservoirs flapping overhead and randomly coating the earth with their ... *shakes head* I'm back. They might be engaged in an activity that both of them know you won't like. Alternatively, they could be having an affair. You never know.

Whatever it is they are doing, so long as they don't start cutting you out of their lives, you can feel happy that you've brought them together. If they do start cutting you out of their lives, you do have other friends, and they probably would have drifted out of your circle anyway.
posted by adipocere at 5:18 AM on March 15 [1 favorite]

Don't let your jealousy get in the way of friendships. Every friendship will change so you should just learn to move on and adapt to the changes. Your friends attitude isn't "wrong" but it is wrong for you make them feel guilty about it.

Also don't put your values on other people. Don't expect your friends to behave a certain way. Everyone has their own personalities and it isn't fair to expect others to follow your example.
posted by JJ86 at 6:33 AM on March 15

Feeling a bit rejected is a normal reaction, I think. You made all this effort to include them in your plans, they know that they both know you, and it would sting a bit to be left out.

But things like that happen. The best chance you have to be included in their activities is not to take it out on them, because it's likely nothing personal. And if it turns out to be something personal, well, don't bother to include them in your activities anymore, and definitely don't get snarky with them then since it'll just make you look petty.
posted by Nattie at 7:44 AM on March 15

I'm coming down on a diferent side than most commenters. I don't think you're being irrational at all, I think your feelings are perfectly valid and you shouldn't feel "weird" for having them. What is weird to me--and what I think is maybe most disconcerting to you--is that neither X or Y mentioned the meeting to you, which adds to the "behind my back" feeling you're experiencing. And for that I'm going to say they were being insensitive, not that they're bad people or anything, but just not very thoughtful of your feelings. This leads me to think you misjudged the depth of your friendship with both. Apparenlty, to them, you are a casual acquantance who helped them get acclimated into a new city, and that's about it. I'm inclined to think (hope) that if they viewed you as more a "good friend," it would have dawned on them to at least mention that they would be journeying along together. "Oh yeah, X and I are going to that concert, we found out we both like that singer. It's cool to be meeting people I have things in common with." Something like that I would think would have been in order. But oh well. All that said, I'm not sure what you should do about it, or even if there is anything to do, except just step back a little and lower your expectations of your new friendships. I don't think it's a stretch to say you all are not equally invested emotionally in this new relationship, so just recognizing that and adjusting your expectations accordingly could alleviate pain or rejection in the future.
posted by GeniPalm at 3:19 PM on March 15 [1 favorite]

I've had mixed results when introducing people from different circles.

As many have said above, new friends can sometimes absorb parts of each others' personalities you find distasteful (e.g. they both love to gossip and they can fulfill each other's needs so you don't have to); other times, their newfound friend enthusiasm can be overwhelming and you may feel left out.

It's okay to feel somewhat rejected, but I wouldn't take it to heart. The important thing is to continue to pursue friendships with them as wholeheartedly as possible until they give you good reason not to.

You could say something to them that's low-pressure but lets them know you're available. "Hey, I heard you and Y went to see Thatmovie last week. I love sci-fi! The three of us should go and see Thatothermovie; what do you think?"
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:15 PM on March 16

Thanks for all the responses! In the end, I am still friends with the two of them, I think. I still see X at work, and while it's been a little hard on my end, I think I can still talk to X and not feel upset about what happened in the past month. I don't see Y as much; she's moving again because of her work situation, so I want to make sure whatever free time I have left with her, with or without X, will be spent well.
posted by eskers at 6:37 AM on April 7